Bob Dole, you gotta love him.
Check this exchange from last Sunday:
Reporter: Senator, what about this illegal
campaign money they found in your account?
Dole: "In politics, you never know where
your campaign money came from."
Excuse me? Isn't that what Whitewater is about?
The 1996 election is looking more and more like
a Tyson fight. Can you say "Chernobyl?"
Open letter from Colin Powell to Bob Dole:
Bob Dole, what part of "NO" don't you understand?
The General Accounting Office, which doesn't take sides,
has cleared the ATF of charges of excessive force.
They said the ATF had seven valid complaints lodged against
them out of 47,000 arrests from 1990 to 1995.
Considering the violent, right-wing-extremist gun-wackos
they're watching, that's a VERY good record.
Of course Rush, the NRA and Liddy won't let the facts
stop them for calling for "headshots for the bastards."
Why does the GOP tear down law enforcement?
How about a quiz?
There is a group, guilty of the following:
1. They create a problem that doesn't exist.
Then they sell you a solution for it.
2. They scare you into empowering them.
3. They say "You can't make it without us."
4. They hold onto power by keeping their constituents
dependant on them.
5. They are ALWAYS asking for money.
No matter how much you give, it's never enough.
6. They've misused the money given them, lived lavish
lifestyles and purchased fine art, real estate and
gold-plated faucets.
7. If you reject them, you burn in hell for eternity.
That last one gave it away:
It's Organized Religion.
This just in:
Dan Quayle called police to his home in Indianapolis
and told them his wife Marilyn slapped him in the face.
When police officers arrived, Marilyn Quayle told them
"He refused to clean his room," so she slapped him.
No arrests were made. Police said it was a matter
better handled by juvenile court.
MATALIN REPLACED
The Dole campaign found a replacement for Mary Matalin,
fired earlier this month for being a strong woman.
Dole made the announcement on the Capitol steps.
"Today we have hired Margot Kidder to give our campaign
the focus and balance it needs. She's been tested and tested.
Besides being a tireless worker, I understand her boyfriend
can fly. That will be a big help when my contributions
dry up later in the summer."
When a reporter told Dole that Kidder's "boyfriend" was an
imaginary cartoon figure, Dole seemed shaken. He flashed an
angry look at top staffers and shot back "I knew that,"
then muttered "son-of-a-bitch" and walked away.
Another setback for Bob Dole.
This just in:
Recent polls shocked politicos when they showed Clinton
leading Dole in Arizona and Oklahoma, long-time Republican
strongholds. Clinton leads in Arizona by 9 points.
Arizona hasn't voted democrat since LBJ. Clinton's
Oklahoma lead is 12 points. Oklahoma hasn't voted
democrat since the Old Testament.
Gingrich Orders Iran-Bosnia Probe.
Speaker Newt Gingrich ordered yet another probe of
the Clinton Administration, this time over White House
inaction concerning Iran's attempts to arm Bosnians.
Surprisingly, Gingrich called for the probe with a
ring-tailed lemur on his shoulder.
"I just love animals," said the formerly-sane Gingrich.
When asked why he was making the announcement with an
animal on his shoulder, Gingrich said "I prefer the company
of animals. I don't do very well with people."
The lemur then urinated on the Speaker.
Recent Quotes
Bill Bennett: "Dole's campaign has no fire."
William Krystol: "Dole may lose in November, perhaps badly."
Newt Gingrich: "We're in a Republican funk."
Rush Limba: "Get me out of this party."
Bob Dole, will we have a Balanced Budget Agreement this year?
Dole: "We're looking at that, should know soon."
Let's do some math:
The Center for Disease Control has estimated cigarette
smoking and second-hand smoke causes 140,000 fetuses to
spontaneously abort every year in America.
No precise estimates are available on the number of
partial-birth abortions in America, but one estimate
was put at less than 100 each year.
Now let's do a little math:
The GOP wants to spend 1996 campaigning on the subject
of partial-birth abortions, hoping to save those hundred
fetuses, the majority of which have no chance to live.
Meanwhile, 140,000 "healthy" fetuses won't become babies
due to the harmful effects of nicotine.
Pressed for an answer to why the GOP chose BIG tobacco
over the 139,900 lost lives, Haley Barbour told CNN's
Frank Sesno the primary reason Republicans ended up
on the wrong side of this issue was because
"the fetuses have no money."
POP QUIZ
Besides George Bush, name a prominent
Republican that is still with his first wife.
For extra credit, name a '96 GOP presidential
candidate besides Dole that saw combat.
People magazine named freshman GOP Representative and
football Hall of Famer Steve Largent as one of the
50 "Most Beautiful People in America."
If you've ever seen a picture of the Congressman,
you'll understand why I mention it.
RL - LNW is a humor-based newsletter.
The Figures Are In:
President Bill Clinton has appointed 285 judges.
Bob Dole voted to approve 283 of them, but he
continues to rail against "harmful, liberal judges."
As Sulu would say, "Oh, my."
FREEMEN
Former Green Beret Bo Gritz is negotiating with the
Republicans nutcases hiding from the evil Americans
in Waco, Montana. As of our publishing deadline,
the Freemen have yet to surrender. If they don't
come out soon, GOP icon Randy Weaver is expected
to try to negotiate the surrender. Randy says he won't
go in without his new wife and 10-month old daughter.
"That's how I operate," he told reporters.
If Weaver fails, the Republicans want George Custer next.
House Republican John Beynor (sp?) says "I'll commit
suicide before I vote on a clean minimum wage bill."
JESUS, I like this guy.
Does anyone know if it will be televised?
Little Known Fact:
The Clinton Budget would have a SURPLUS if not for the
interest on the debt run up during the Reagan Error.
SOFT ON CRIME
We have to pity Bob Dole and the Republicans.
If you're 20 points ahead, as Clinton is,
you can afford to be Presidential and go about
the business of leading the country.
When you're 20 points behind, you're only alternative
is to bombard your opponent with boneheaded charges.
Bob Dole says Clinton is soft on crime.
Let's look at the record:
Violent crime is down BIG time, partially due to the
Clinton Crime Bill. Remember what Republicans said?
"More prisons, fewer guns and 100,000 cops
WILL NOT PREVENT A SINGLE CRIME." How absurd.
Democrats stand behind American law enforcement officials,
while McVeigh Republicans call them "jack-booted thugs."
Whitman Blows Career
NJ Governor Christine Todd Whitman threw her political
career away Saturday when she told CNN Clinton was
correct to veto the ban on partial-birth abortions.
She said "The federal government doesn't need to get
into decisions that belong to a woman and her doctor."
The Coathanger Coalition burst into flames.
Republicans love to say they have a "Big Tent,"
but let's watch what happens to Whitman now that
she's strayed from the official party line.
Maybe she could ask Mary Matalin for advice.
From James Carville:
"I hope they continue the Whitewater hearings.
When they started the hearings, Clinton was 5 points
behind Dole. Now he's 20 points ahead of him.
It's a circus run by Dole's crooked campaign manager,
a lawyer for BIG tobacco, and other weasels and strumpets.
The voters know a witchhunt when they see one."
Bottom Line?
We'll know Clinton's guilty when he uses a pardon.
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