I have some bad news.
I've known this was coming for some time,
and I tried to ignore it.
I hope you'll understand, but there are costs
involved with producing RL-LNW. I always envisioned
this newsletter as a free, non-profit, kind of thing,
but the bad news has hit the fan.
Some of you have been with me from the beginning,
some of you are just now subscribing to RL-LNW,
and I hope this doesn't cause a lot of problems,
but things have to be different from now on.
I've been ordered to raise $20,000,000 by May 31
or God will call me home.
Please, don't let Him kill me.
Send me the damn money. Don't wait.
I didn't mean any of that "religion is crap" stuff.
When I said "religion is the problem," I was kidding.
I need $20 VERY large by Memorial Day.
You might ask: How did this happen?
Well, I was doing margaritas with Cuervo 1800 chasers,
when a 900-foot Jesus appeared and demanded the cash.
This guy's NOT kidding around.
He turned a city full of people to salt for not
worshipping Him. He had some Dude load animals in a
big boat and flooded the PLANET to drown His enemies.
Rumor is, He condemned an entire RACE of human beings
to pain and suffering for eternity because He was angry
at something our ancient, ancient, ancient ancestors
were alledged to have done. Is He vengeful or what?
I do NOT want to cross this guy.
Please, all kidding aside.
Send me money!
I've only got 22 days left...
I get mail saying "What if Rush sues you for slander?"
Don't forget: The truth is the best defense against slander.
It would be great fun if the Lying, Nazi Whore dragged me
into court. I could make 12 Conservatives admit Rush is
a Lying, Nazi Whore if I had their attention for a few days.
COME AND GET ME!!
Dick Armey NOW says "I wasn't serious" about cutting
education to make up for the $30,000,000,000 Senator
Straddle threw away to make a faux political point.
I don't believe Dick!
Why would he go on Meet The Press and propose
cuts in education if he wasn't serious?
Dick Armey lied.
ABC says it will give an hour to President Clinton
and Bob Can-I-babysit-your-kids Dole to debate.
The best part?
ABC promises "no reporters, no moderator."
Senator Straddle is in BIG trouble.
Clinton will chop him into little Kansas meatballs.
Wednesday, Rush demonstrated why women hate Republicans.
The Giver of Shade said the ONLY reason women vote for
Clinton was because he's not a dried up prune like Dole.
"They vote with their vaginas" the Fat One declared.
Women all over America must've vomitted.
After all the gains women have made in the last 30 years,
El Grande Puerca decides they vote for cute guys?
Could this be why Rush's first two wives left him?
Because he's an egocentric, lazy, fat bastard who thinks
women are inherently stupid?
No WONDER Dole and the GOP have a gender gap.
Then, to make things worse, Rush said
"Abused women especially like Bill Clinton,
because they have such a low opinion of themselves,
they think they don't DESERVE anything better."
Rush Limba gives lying, nazi whores a bad name.
You'd think he'd be smart enough to hide
his contempt for women during an election year.
Paul Harvey is another lying bastard.
He's Limba with table manners.
When Reagan beat Carter in 1980, swear to God,
Paul Harvey said "It'll be nice to have a good
Christian back in the White House."
The Republicans love to beat up on Jimmy Carter,
but even the Lying, Nazi Whore acknowledges that
Carter is a decent man. At least Carter didn't meet
HIS wife when Warner Brothers sent her over to give
knobbers to the movie stars that couldn't get laid.
Recently, one of the Arkansas State trooper's ex-wives
committed suicide in Little Rock, and that lying whore
Paul Harvey said "Rev. Falwell says Clinton murdered
40 people in Little Rock. It looks like Rev, Falwell
needs to update his list."
As Der Fat Fuhrer says, "When they have NOTHING,
they go for the personal attacks."
Then, just to confound me, yesterday Paul Harvey said
"Bill Clinton will be the first President since Kennedy
to go his entire administration without a recession."
Remember what the Exorcist told Father Damien?
"Be careful in that room. The Devil will mix lies
with the truth to confuse you."
We better watch old Paul Harvey.
The price of gas.
I haven't heard this anywhere yet, so let me ask:
The vast, vast majority of supertankers are
registered as Liberian vessels.
There's a nutty, bloody civil war going on in Liberia.
I say "nutty" because ....have you heard this?
One of the factions fights IN THE NUDE.
One faction, swear to God, this was in several papers,
one faction sometimes wears WEDDING DRESSES to fight!!
But anyway, the civil war in the country where most oil
supertankers are registered can't be a stabilizing
influence on a commodity sold worldwide.
There he goes again:
Bob Woodward wrote "All the President's Men."
Rush said it was "full of lies and distortions."
Later, Woodward wrote a book on Reagan's crimes and
Rush said it was "full of lies and distortions."
Later still, Woodward wrote a book on Clinton.
Rush said "It's the most goddamn accurate book EVER!"
Rush, why are you such a lying whore?
Is Ralph Reed bi-sexual or just gay?
They say May 7, was Tax Freedom Day, meaning
theoretically, we start keeping our pay that day,
having worked alllllll this time to pay taxes.
The RL-LNW staff did some research and we figured
Tax Freedom Day would actually be Feb 16th if not
for the $4,000,000,000,000 Reagan and Butch threw away.
Think about that.
This just in:
Newt Gingrich is so crooked,
he has to screw his shoes on.
Nutty Wes Cooley, the Oregon GOP freshman is great!
He, alone, could keep this newsletter alive.
His story keeps changing.
He told the voters he was a Phi beta Kappa.
Reporters checked it out. He was lying.
When asked about it, Wes Cooley said
"Actually, I was a Sigma Alpha Epsilon,
I'm just not very good at Greek!"
I love this guy!
Then, he said he was in "special forces." He said
his unit was "so secret," there was no record of it!
(Hey, I was in that unit, too!)
He said he almost died from his war wounds.
Reported checked it out. He was lying.
Army records show he was a warehouseboy
who never left North Carolina.
When the war ended, he WAS in the hospital for,
swear to God, athlete's FOOT!
GO '94 Freshmen!
They say since the GOP took power in Washington,
the new maps show the beltway listed as
"the District of Corruption."
The new Harris Poll shows Clinton ahead by,
get this, 31 points among "likely voters,"
which is considered a better gauge than a
"regular poll" because so many people don't vote.
The staff of RL-LNW is accepting donations.
We're going to buy a mirror and send it to Newt
so he can better identify America's problems.
I don't know any gay people.
I'm not sure I even like gay people, but they're
Americans, right? Can't we even grant then that?
The GOP has introduced legislation to forbid same-sex
marriages. Is that the most important thing they have
to do in Washington? Why can't the GOP work on that
stupid "Contract With America" instead of fucking with
What business is it of Georgia Rep. Bob Barr's if two
men or two women want to share an insurance policy?
The GOP says they're doing this "to save traditional
marriages." Is traditional marriage under attack?
Are people going to stop getting married if the GOP
allows consenting adults to share a piece of paper
at City Hall? Why fucking bother? Who gets hurt?
As always, religion is the problem.
So what's the bottom line on sexuality?
"My orgasm is the most important thing in the world.
To ME!! My orgasm should be the very LAST thing
of importance to YOU." - Dennis Miller
Speaking of crooks.....
A couple in Minnesota filed bankruptcy.
In the years prior to filing, they gave their church
$13,000 in tithes, the idiots. Their bankruptcy judge
ruled that they could get their money back
"SINCE THEY GOT NOTHING OF VALUE FOR THEIR DONATIONS."
Open Letter to the GOP...
"Thank you, Newt and Co. for cutting federal firefighting
appropriations 20% this year. We lost our fucking town."
The Citizens of La Lama,
The Citizens of Taos,
The Citizens of Questa and
The Citizens of Red River, New Mexico.
The staff of RL-LNW made a mistake in a recent issue.
Like our idol, the Lyin' King, we try to correct
mistakes as soon as we realize we've made them.
We recently said old Bob can-I-babysit-your-kids Dole
voted for EVERY one of Clinton's "liberal elitist"
judges except two, but we were wrong.
Old Bob Dole voted for 282 of the 285 judges,
not 283 as we reported, so maybe Dole has a point.
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!