Whitewater reports are in!
Issue #35

Rush Limba - Lying Nazi Whore


First, some sad news.

Tommy Wagner, the 9 year old Texas boy that vowed to
hold his breath until Bob Dole revealed his tax plan,
died today at St. Jude's Hospital in Corpus Christi.

A family spokesman said little Tommy would be buried
Monday. Most of Texas's political cognoscente is
expected to attend the funeral.

"Bob Dole did nothing wrong.
Bob Dole never told the little bastard to do anything.
Not Bob Dole's fault," was the candidate's reaction.

Dole was not expected to attend.


Can't we get past this File-gate thing?
It's so boring.
We've got another 5 or 6 scandals to go before November,
shouldn't we move on?


Slut-gate

ABC news reported Wednesday that Paula Corbin Jones,
accuser of the President and former nude magazine model
and darling of the religious right, surprised Clinton's
lawyers with an offer to settle the case!

Details are to be worked out, but she wants three things.
She wants her attorney's fees, a hold-harmless statement
from the President and one last ride on "Air Force One."

More on slut-gate as it comes in...


Quote of the week:

"I am not a schnook."
Bob Dole


Limba's show
June 18

"The number of black church fires is falling sharply.
The numbers are plummeting, PLUMMETING I tell you!!
You want to know something else we discovered here
at E.I.B. Headquarters? Ministers are burning
down their own churches for the insurance money."

More accuracy from the Turnpike of Truth!!!
I guess the GOP race deficit is a mystery, too?

Isn't it interesting to see a caveman in real life?

Just yesterday, Ralph Reed admitted on two Sunday talk
shows that evangelical Christians have been on the
"wrong side of" the civil rights issue.
(Reed speaks for conservatives, right?)
Swear to Koresh, Reed said "the blame is ours, and it's time
we repented," yet Limba continues the personal slurs.
Did Limba miss the memo?

Kinda like like Battle of New Orleans....

So, all you black people that lost your church,
Rush says "Knock it off."


The Republicans have cried "wolf" about Bill Clinton
200 times since January 20, 1993.
They've cried wolf so many times,
if a real wolf ever shows up,
how will we know?


Porno King Clarence Thomas lost even more credibility
this week when he explained the reason why, 27 years ago,
he tossed his heart-felt religious beliefs overboard.
Born a Baptist, young Clarence converted to Catholicism,
as a second grader in rural Georgia.
In 1968 Clarence was studying to be a Catholic priest!
(This story broken nationwide by RL-LNW.)
When MLK was shot, a fellow Catholic priest-to-be said
"I hope the SOB dies." (Gotta love them Catholics.)

So....because Clarence overheard a fellow religio-wacko
hurl a slur at the recently-murdered Martin Luther King,
he abandoned his faith and excommunicated himself
from his church ....his religion ....his God.

Hell, that's character, right?
That beats Clinton's 30 year-anti-war thing.

In 1990, in an effort to confuse himself, Clarence
joined a "charasmatic" Episcopal church in Virginia.
(Don't you hate the un-charasmatic ones?)
Now, he's come a full 270 degrees.
He said in a speech at Holy Cross last week that he
has "reclaimed that special gift" of Catholicism.
(Watch your wallet, Clarence.)

Gee, RL-LNW wonders what might've triggered the change....
Hmm....... What could it be?

Did Jesus appeared to him as a burning bush
and grant him a look into the future?

Did an angel appear to him as he was on the floor of
the Senate bathroom "weeping like a woman?"

No, It was the priest who supported him during the "pube"
hearings where Clarence fought for his political life.
A deal's a deal.


Puke-gate

"I'd like to ask the members of the American armed forces
to forgive me for calling them 'pukes.' No offense was
intended. I didn't mean "pukes" in a perjorative way."

Sure, Rush.
Wait...Let me guess...

You meant "pukes" in the flattering sense?


Great GOP Quotes

"I was once backwards, sexist and anal about women."
Rush Limba June 18, 1996


The Whitewater
Reports are IN!

Report 1

"We, the GOP, would like to say that after interviewing
over 260 witnesses over 14 months, plus a Ryder-Truck
full of documents, and $40,000,000.00 of your money,
we feel it's likely that the potential was there for the
possibility that the First Lady had or may have had the
opportunity to perhaps, through some action or inaction
vis-a-vis the missing documents related to, but not
limited to, the suggestion that, as it pertains to the
questions we have pertaining to the missing billing
records from the Rose Law Firm files, up to and
including the alleged moving of or possibly even the
destruction of, potential evidence that could have shone
light on the obvious appearance of plausibility as it
pertains to the feasibility of the First Lady having the
theoretical belief that, in the best interests of her
and her husband, perhaps induced others or induced
others to induce others, to take certain action or
inaction that may have opened the White House to
charges that the appearance of the possibility of their
liability, vis-a-vis the pattern of arrogance and
deception, that this commitee has attempted to discern
the pattern and potential threat that is neither the
beginning or the ending of the report of the testimony
that raises serious questions which lead to the logical
assumption that the arrogance of power may or may not
be an indicator which could point to the appearance of
impropriety that seems to be a possible diversion from
the truth that further hides and clouds from this
committee the issues concerning the possible touching,
handling or reading of the documents in question that
may have disappeared from the office of Vince Foster
or appeared in the private quarters of the White House.
With this much evidence, we feel we have no choice but
to strongly recommend that the investigation continue.
We hope, in all seriousness, that the picture we're
attempting to paint for you in typical DC-double-speak
will somehow substitute for proof of guilt."

----

Report 2

"The GOP ain't got jack-shit.
They are pissed."


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