Volume 39 - The Cucumber Caper

Editor's Note: We still haven't lost a single subscriber
That makes me think I'm being too bland, too colorless.
Maybe that will change this issue.

Did you know every issue of RL-LNW goes directly
to the President of the United States?
Your President reads RL-LNW.

I can see him on the White House roof, hiding from Hillary
as he smokes his Cuban cigars reading his fan mail.
(any man that made $100,000,000 a month smuggling cocaine
surely had the boys stop by Havana for stogies.)

Linda Chavez, what a clumsy liar...

Reporter: Linda, why are Hillary's negatives so high?

Linda:      Because the public is smart enough to see
               through her lies and her self-serving crimes.

Reporter: Linda, why are Newt's negatives so high?

Linda:      Because the press always lies about him.

Dole searching for a veep

Bob Dole needs someone to replace him when he dies in office.
His search team has 8 names they're looking at closely. Let's help 'em:

Carroll Campbell
Ex-Governor of South Carolina

America isn't ready for a female President.
Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Good news: Saved Dole's ass in primaries
                    with a must-win victory in SC.
Bad news:   She's an insurance lobbyist, unknown, dull

Dick Cheney
Former Sec of Defense

Old Dick is in bad health after 3 heart attacks and quadruple heart bypass surgery.
Between him & Dole, they can't play a game of Rack-O without a doctor.
Good news: Kicked Saddam's ass, seems presidential,
                    known as decent guy, rare in the GOP
Bad news:   Home state Wyoming has no electoral votes.

John McCain
Respected GOP Senator from Arizona

I have nothing bad to say about McCain.
War hero of the highest order. The VC offered to let him go since his Dad was an Admiral,
McCain said "No, I'll stay as long as you have the others."

Also, refused to adhere to GOP hate machine when Clinton normalized relations with Vietnam.
McCain was called "Traitor" by his own party for backing Clinton on Vietnam.
Don't it figure?

One other thing:
During his very first Republican primary, his opponent asked in a debate
"Who are you to come into Arizona and run for office.
 You're not from around here.
 Where are you from, anyway?"

McCain was very cool when he replied.
"I'm an American. Since my father was in the military, we moved a lot.
I've lived in a lot of places, Sir, but the longest I've ever spent in one place was Hanoi."


Christ, he's almost got MY vote.
Let's hope McCain is NOT Dole's pick.

Colin Powell
Ex-Chairman of Joint Chiefs

GOP's top man until he said he was pro-choice.
Then, the GOP hate-squad started the Mi-Lai cover-up rumors,
the slurs, the innuendo, and the KKK mentality.
Good news: Makes Dole's team a possible winner
Bad news: Doesn't want the job. Besides, a black VP guarantees a presidential assassination.

Tom Ridge
Governor of Pennsylvania

Good news: Still looking for some good news.
Bad news: Catholic, PRO-CHOICE,(cancels Catholic vote)
                  Nobody ever heard of him.
                  Duller than Dole.

James Baker
Former Sec of State

Impressive resume, Reagan chief-of-staff, Sec. Treasury
Good news: Foreign policy experience, (flawed)
                   Not an idiot, rare in GOP
Bad news:   Ran Butch's horribly-inept 92 campaign.
                    Strong personality, has ego, could clash.
                    I hope Dole picks someone else.

Donald Rumsfeld
Watergate-era dude
Good news: Lots of experience, Dole buddy
Bad news:   Sounds like a crook, and his best years were the 70's

Christie Whitman
Popular NJ Governor

Again, too early for female president for GOP.
Good news: Could cut Dole gender gap to 20 points.
Bad news:   Has a uterus, is Pro-Choice, promised to fight Dole on plank,
                    says she doesn't want the job.

Besides, Rush says "Women think with their vagina."
                                Since Christie has one, she's out.

So, we've got Dole's "early eight."
How do they stack up?

Baker or McCain could make it a race.
The girls aren't really being considered.
(Dole's just playing a joke on women voters.)
Cheney reminds voters of Dole's impending death.
Ridge and Rumsfield who?

...and Powell guarantees a riderless horse to Arlington.

We GOT him!

Well, maybe we missed him on the Falwell murders,
but we've got him on Mena Airport-gate.

Well, maybe we missed on the Mena Airport,
but we've got him on the bags-of-Tyson-cash thing.

Well, maybe we missed on the Tyson cash,
but we've got him on the "I didn't inhale" thing.

Well, maybe we missed on "didn't inhale,"
but we've got him on the Gennifer Flowers thing.

Well, maybe we missed on Gennifer Flowers,
but we've got him on the draft-dodging thing.

Well, maybe we missed on the draft-dodging,
but we've got him on the war-protester thing.

Well, maybe we missed on war-protesting,
but we've got him on the Paula Jones thing.

Well, maybe we missed on Paula Jones,
but we've got her on the Cattlegate thing.

Well, maybe we missed on Cattlegate,
but we got him on the Whitewater thing.

Well, maybe we missed on Whitewater,
we've got them on the Travelgate thing.

Well, maybe we missed on Travelgate,
but we've got her for Vince Foster's murder.

Well, maybe we missed on Vince Foster,
but we've got them on the Filegate thing.

Well, maybe we missed on Filegate,

....and the beat goes on...

This just in.....

Ladies and Gentlemen this is amazing!
I just received an e-mail message from a "Mr. X."
He read our Rush Limba interview on the Internet and said he knows for a fact, it's true!!
This is amazing!
He insists we address him as "Mr. X,"
so the GOP can't track him down and murder him.

Mr. X is a first-class caterer.
He caters the most exclusive parties in New York.
Mr. X catered a party one night at a fancy Manhattan apartment.
He had no idea what was about to happen.
Mr. X says in his e-mail:

Everything was normal until we got a block away from our destination.
I was to get $600 for the gig, which is big money for this business.
At the last minute, I was offered $1,000 bonus if I could keep my mouth shut!!

To sweeten the deal, I was promised $1600 PER WEEK
to cater this one-hour gig every Monday.
One stipulation:
I could never tell anyone what I saw.

I went for the deal.
I needed the money.
I didn't care what the dude was about as long as it didn't involve me.
To each his own, I say.

So I get to this fancy, high-rise penthouse.
It must've cost a fortune, yet it had a cheap appearance.
It was millionaire-tacky.
Pictures of dogs-playing-poker lined the walls and cigar-stench was everywhere.

I set up as usual.
The kitchen was huge, and stocked with modern equipment.
Yet it seemed as though no meals had ever been prepared there.
It felt new - new and never used.

I was checking the oven when something in the hall caught my eye.
It was a large, black woman.
She might've been drinking. She was confused, she seemed
to be babbling about some wrong that had been done to her.

I looked a little closer and got the shock of my life.
That was no lady!!!

It was Clarence f-ing Thomas!!!

I looked at him/her for several minutes.
Yep, no doubt about it.
It was him/her, allright!

Clarence Thomas, the Supreme Court Justice, stood there in a bright red dress,
red high-heels, yellow purse, and a white-straw Mexican sombrer with dingleballs hanging off it.

He was wearing purple lipstick and makeup, but he needed a shave.
My eyes were frozen.
What the hell was I looking at?
On top of everything else, he/she is pitching a bitch to the security guy.
He/she is mad about something fierce.

Then, just when I think I can trust my senses again,  Rush Limba walked in.
I feel like I'm seeing a goddamn UFO.
Three words pop into my mind.

First, I see Clarence Thomas in a red dress and lipstick,
then Rush Limba walks into the room.
What the...
Before Rush could speak, Clarence lit into him.

"Why I wearing the dress again?
 Huh? Tell me THAT!
 Lately, I always wear the dress.
 Why I wearing the dress again?" he demanded.

"Keep your voice down, Clarence" Rush whispered.

Rush looked around the room and yelled "SNERDLY!!!!"
Bo Snerdly suddenly appeared, as if by magic.

"Snerdly, has he been paid?" he asked, pointing my way.
"Affirmative, Sir," was Snerdly's reply.
Rush seemed relieved.

"Bonus, too?" Rush asked.
"Affirmative, Sir," was Snerdly's reply.
Rush seemed very relieved.

"OK, Clarence. What is it this time?" Rush asked.

"Why I wearing the dress again?" he said.
"I wore the dress last Monday.
I wore the dress two Mondays back.
Why I wearing the dress again?
I'm a Supreme Court Judge.
I shouldn't have to wear the dress every time.
It's not fair.
It cain't be my turn every time.
Cain't be!" he fumed.

"This is hardly the time and place, Clarence" Rush said, sliding his arm
around his/her shoulder, leading him/her towards the back of the apartment.

Just then, Rush spun around and walked up to me.

"Do you have cucumbers?" Rush asked.

I was confused.

"Do I have cucumbers?" I repeated back as a question.

"Do you understand English?" he barked.
"Do you have cucumbers?"

"I...I... yes, I have some for the salads."

"Let me have two," Rush commanded.

"I don't understand. You..."

"You, Sir, don't need to understand.
You just need to hand me the cucumbers," Rush barked.

"What the hell," I thought.
"For $1600 he can have all the goddamm cucumbers in New York for all I care."

I reached in the vegetable tray and handed him two cucumbers, just like he asked.

"No, not those two. ...those two,"
Rush pointed his finger at two really plump ones.
I put back the cucumbers I picked and gave him the two he wanted.

See the cucumber Rush declined.

Then, Rush threw his arm around him/her and they walked toward the back of the apartment.

The evening was over, but I got my $1600 and Monday night is still on schedule.

I'll let you know what happens.

Mister X

RL-LNW: Now, granted this story is unsubstantiated,
but our subscribers are generally pretty honest people...

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