"I'm not comfortable attacking Hillary,
but I'll do it."
Choco-Nazi, July 5, 1996
We've been asked why we still have the
"Bad Arm" quote at the beginning of every issue.
Smokin' Bob Dole is using his bad arm to beg for votes.
I find that demeaning.
Recently, there was a flap in Georgia about a
democrat running for Congress in a wheelchair.
His GOP opponent said "He's using that wheelchair as an
election gimmick," or words to that effect.
The man in question lost both legs and an arm fighting in Vietnam.
He can't possibly be in a room or on a stage and hide
the fact that he lost 3 limbs fighting for his country.
Bob Dole, on the other hand, can look normal if he chooses to.
But he doesn't want to hide his handicap during this campaign.
I find that demeaning.
Last week, Smokin' Bob Dole went on a book-signing
tour to try to re-sell his old book from back in 1988.
He made a big deal about asking the people to forgive
the long wait to get their copies signed.
You see... Bob Dole has a bad arm.
It takes him longer to sign.
His arm hurts him a lot.
You should vote for Bob Dole.
Smoking Bob Dole is running on cigarettes,
assault weapons, "voodoo" economics and a bad arm.
Good luck, Bob.
Supreme Court Justices Renquist, Scalia and Clarence were
walking home from the High Court softball game when they
spotted a ewe caught in midleap, entangled in a fence.
Renquist said "I wish that was Kay Bailey Hutchison caught in that fence."
Scalia said: "I wish it was Susan Molinari caught in that fence."
Clarence said "Christ, I wish it was dark."
I find it necessary to repeat something.
If you write a book, and say Clinton is a church-going, wife-loving
hard-working intelligent man, doing his very best to help his country,
you won't sell 300 books.
But, if you write a book, and say High Priestess Hillary heads the Coven
Darkness, and Bill is a child-raping, cocaine addict who murdered 42
people in Little Rock, you'll be on your fourth printing in 3 days,
as the Aldrich book publisher bragged on Larry King.
George Bush is walking the beach at Kennebunkport,
wondering about his place in American history,
now that he's kicked Saddam's ass.
He spots something washing ashore.
It's a corked flask, weathered from riding the sea.
It may have been afloat for decades, or centuries.
He picked it up and, just for fun, and rubbed it.
A 12-foot tall Genie popped out!!
"Thank you, Master, for freeing me.
I haven't been out of my prison in 5000 years.
I will grant you many wishes for releasing me from
my eternity in the tiny bottle," the Genie said.
What can I give you, Master?
George Bush was amazed.
This went waaaaaay beyond his military training.
He quickly deduced that he was dreaming, so, for kicks,
he gave the Genie "commands" to carry out.
"Genie, this is an election year.
My approval rating is 91%,
but I don't want to take any chances on this election.
I want the Democratic nominee to be a Governor.
I want him to be a governor from a small, backward,
economically-deprived southern state," he said.
"Please, Genie, I want him to be a draft-dodger.
I want him to be a draft-dodger AND a skirt-chaser.
Make him a war-protester. That's even better.
A skirt-chasing war-protester!
Make him an admitted dope-smoker, too."
"I want this election to be about character, Genie.
I want the best man to win.
And...Mr, Genie...if you don't mind.....
Can you make this election a landslide?"
The Genie looked at Butch and said...
"It is done, Master."
USA Today asked five people about Hillary's "seances."
The first four were normal human beings.
They said "We don't have a problem with it."
Then.... there was the fifth guy.
A religious man...
It's a disgrace.
It's OF THE DEVIL! (My favorite.)
It's witchcraft at it's lowest state!
It's DISGUSTING to think that our First Lady,
since she attends church,
would STOOP to such low sorcery!!!!
This is why we can't let these religio-dorks near
the Constitution of the United States.
And why would Hillary use low sorcery?
She can get the high stuff...
"Kick the cigarette habit, Senator Dole.
It's not worth stinking up your reputation."
-VP Al Gore
Now that those right-wing extremist religio-wackos
have murdered our soldiers in Saudi Arabia,
will Clinton reward them with Stinger missles?
That's how Reagan and Butch handled Lebanon, right?
Will Clinton do that?
Will Bill Clinton look America in the eye
on live television and swear "I did NOT do it?"
Will Clinton admit to selling weapons to terrorists
and claim his crimes were "a work of art?"
That's what Reagan and Butch did, right?
Will Clinton then pardon his cabinet to prevent
them from testify against him?
That's what Butch did, right?
No, Clinton won't do that.
Bill Clinton isn't a traitor, like Reagan and Butch.
You can call Rush a racist, dishonest bastard,
but you can't call him a quitter.
It was tough, but he stuck with it, and finally whipped anorexia.
Maid: Governor Ridge's residence, may I help you?
Caller: Bob Dole's office calling.
Is Governor Ridge in?
Maid: Yes, I'll get him.
Dole: Governor? Bob Dole here.
How's the weather in Pennsylvania?
Ridge: It's fine, Senator. It's cloudy and....
Dole: Cut the bullshit.
I need a vice-president. You want the job?
Ridge: I ....I can't do it, Senator.
Dole: Goddammit, I'm not a Senator.
Ridge: I can't do it, Mr. Dole.
Dole: Why the hell not?
Ridge: The way the Republicans went after the Clintons...
Well..... we're about to lose control of both houses,
and I can't survive four years of payback.
It's really going to be a bitch, this payback.
We set a precedent with these witchhunts.
Revenge is a cold, dark, son-of-a-bitch.
The Democrats will serve it to us on ice, Senator.
Dole: Stop lying about my record!
I'm not a Senator!
Ridge: I'm sorry, Mr. Dole.
I just can't do it.
Dole: You've GOT to do it.
I've called every Senator, every Representative and
every Governor in the GOP and they're all giving me
the same bullshit. They're afraid of a few skeletons.
You're all acting crazy.
You called me dead last?
Dole: The important thing is your place in history.
Ridge: Are you kidding?
My place in prison, you mean.
Who could survive the anal-probe vivisection of every
campaign contribution accepted in the last 30 years?
Who's entire history of tax returns could survive an
assault by a majority-appointed special prosecutor with
unlimited power, unlimited scope, unlimited money
and unlimited ambition, not to mention free publicity?
You know they're going to look at every deal you've
ever made, every partner you've ever had, every single
transaction made by every partner you've ever had,
every tax return of every partner you've ever had.
Then they'll look at all the people your partner has
ever done business with and link them back to you.
Then, they'll look at the tax returns of everyone that
ever did business with your partners, and THEIR friends.
Christ, Senator, do you have 1099's for every worker
you've ever hired to mow the lawn or skim the pool
or wash your car dating back to the goddamn sixties?
You don't, do you?
You have copies of green cards for every maid, butler
and driver who ever worked for you, even part-time?
You don't, do you?
How in the hell do you think you're going to survive
questions about ADM?
What if the press finds out about the boathouse in Kansas?
What if they look at Florida?
If they find out who paid for your condo,
you'll die in prison.
You're in big trouble, Senator.
You can't possibly survive an ethics probe.
Why would you subject yourself to this?
Dole: I'm 73 years old, you idiot.
And don't call me Senator, goddammit.
Ridge: Sorry, Senator...I...I..mean Mr. Dole,
but do you know anyone that can survive that?
No, I see your point.
Ridge: Sir, could I ask one favor?
Dole: Sure, what?
Ridge: If you win, can you forget you know me?
Dole: I understand.
You know something?
This is all Newt's fault.
Newt and those goddamm freshmen screwed me again.
Jesus, I'm getting a sore ass.
What do I do now?
You have any great ideas?
How to I get passed this?
Ridge: You need someone who's already been under fire.
Someone who's already run the gauntlet.
Dole: Thanks for the advice.
- - -
Dole aide: What now, Mr. Dole?
Dole: Well, I can't stand the idea of this,
but I guess Governor Ridge is right.
Bob Dole's not getting any younger.
Bob Dole can't wait any longer.
Bob Dole only has one choice left, only one option.
Smokin' Bob Dole picks up the phone and dials a number,
dialing slower than any call he's ever made in his life.
Bob Dole, here.
Can we talk?
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!