"If you want to lower the teenage pregnancy rate,
stop all sex education."
Limba The Hutt
June 29, 1996
When is a vow not a vow?
When it's taken by Tobacco Dole.
"Let's be realistic" the nominee now says.
In March of 1995, Dole wrote to Tanya Metaska lobbyist for the NRA and
"President Clinton wants to keep the assault-weapons ban, one of our many differences."
Turns out there's no difference between their positions.
However, ex-Senator Straddle was so ambiguous in his flip-flop,
Metaska said she couldn't detect a change.
Smokin' Bob Dole is running to the left,
hoping people will talk about ANYTHING besides his tobacco dependency.
Maybe you could repeat that nutty story about how you were so broke as a kid,
you shaved the family dog to sell the fur. They LOVE that back in Russell.
Did you hear that lady jump on Rush Wednesday?
She let him have it with both barrels.
After several minutes of abuse,
Rush tried to comeback by offering to stand and spank himself.
The lady said she doubted Rush could reach that far.
That really threw him for a loop.
He sputtered and spit and lost his cool.
I can't believe they're trying to hang Defense Secretary Perry for the Saudi bombings.
Do they really think the Sec of Defense should personally inspect the
of every soldier and sailor in every foreign country around the world for safety?
And, if Clinton is responsible,
should we blame Reagan for Lockerbie and the 241 dead Marines in Beruit?
You know, that Lynn Cheney bitch on Crossfire really gets on my nerves.
God, she's a non-stop bag of whine!
No wonder her husband Dick had 3 heart attacks.
He's trying to get out of hearing range.
Sununu is another one. He's genuinely a mean-spirited prick.
He's never once allowed a guest to answer a question.
Plus, he asks the most gaudily-loaded questions.
Yesterday, he asked the democrat if he was upset about Clinton turning
into a Republican.
If Chopper-boy tried that shit with me, he'd learn a lesson that would help him in the future.
And just to demonstrate I'm being honest, and not partisan,
Bob Novak is pretty fair when he's on.
He's not a stinking whiner and he's usually good.
Same goes for ...(God, please don't strike me dead...) Pat Buchanan.
His politics are almost as extreme as the lying, nazi whore's,
but when he's debating, he allows the other side to speak and he's fair.
On the left, Geraldine Ferrarro is a dud.
That Bill Press guy isn't much of a winner, either.
Their politics are right, but they can't debate.
Mike Kinsley was a jerk, too.
They need Carville, Paul Begala, Stephie or myself on the left side.
Who's that Kennedy that's so good?
Is it Bobby Junior?
He's very, very good.
Of course, it goes without saying that the Clintons wrote the book on
but they're too busy saving/running Planet Earth to bother with some dinky TV cable show.
Have you tried www.slate.com?
It seems pretty good, on the first try.
A former Bush staffer wrote a good article about the goings-on in the Butch White House.
Of course, there was no allegation that sex took place.
As you know, I send every issue to President Clinton.
The White House computer wrote this automatic reply.
Date: Sat, 29 Jun 1996
Subject: Re: RUSH LIMBA-LYING NAZI WHORE Vol 38
To: firstname.lastname@example.org (BartCop)
Thank you for writing to Pres. Clinton via electronic mail.
So, the White House used the phrase Lying, Nazi Whore!
Watching Ross Perot on Larry King...
He might be the only man in America that can
make Tobacco Dole seem sane by comparison.
Larry King: Should abortion be outlawed?
Ross Perot: Larry, we are not rabbits.
Divided teams lose.
This is America.
Seriously, check this out:
A recent caller to C-Span said President Clinton is
"the most evil thing God has ever created."
(Really? Worse than Hitler, Pol Pot and Limba?)
Arianna Huffington says
"Clinton is not a decent human being."
The American Spectator says President Clinton is
guilty of more high crimes than Richard Nixon.
Harper's magazine called Clinton "a Republican."
(That's going too far.)
Bob Woodward says Hillary dips kittens in hot tar.
Let's assume for a moment that they're right.
How bad does that make Bob Dole?
If Clinton is the most evil thing God ever created,
and America prefers him by 20 points,
what does that say?
Either Dole is 20 points worse than the most evil thing
God ever created, or... they're just lying and the voters see that.
Can there be any other possible explanation?
This is Paul Harvey.
You know the news, in a moment,
you're going to hear The Rest of The Story!!
"If you want bad speakers, buy from Bose.
I learned my lesson from the pros.
You'll get no highs, you'll get no lows.
Bose is endorsed by stupid ho's."
And now, The Rest of The Story!
Little Rusty grew up in a small town in Missouri.
He had a terrible childhood.
You see, his mother was a vicious lie, and his father was a racial slur.
Little Rusty tried to please his Dad, but his father was a sick, evil man.
Rusty's troubles started early in life.
His domineering father insisted on personally teaching Little Rusty his toilet training.
He told Rusty a clean ass was very important.
His Dad was very domineering.
Rusty hated his Dad.
At age 5, Rusty began to wet the bed.
His Dad's cure was .....
Well, this is AM radio.
I choose not to go into detail.
I choose not to go into detail.
The specifics aren't important, but the result is.
As Little Rusty grew older, things didn't get any better.
When he was eleven, he was arrested for poking a
neighborhood dog in the genitals with a fork.
To punish him, his dad made him wear a pink dress.
He didn't get along with the other kids, either.
All the girls thought he was "icky."
Rusty never had a date.
The boys kicked his ass regularly.
They even took turns.
He was voted "Most Likely To Fuck Up" in high school.
Rusty vowed revenge on all of them.
"I vow, if I ever get the chance,
I'll get even with those.....those.....elites."
After high school, Rusty tried to get a job, but nobody would hire him.
The only job he ever got was at his Dad's radio station.
His Dad verbally abused him every day.
His father's torments ate at Rusty's gut.
His father's torments ate at Rusty's gut
Pretty soon, Rusty lost interest in personal hygeine.
He blamed his Dad.
One day, he noticed his pants were getting tighter.
Now, Rusty was a big guy, but how could his pants get so tight so fast?
Something wasn't right.
Rusty ignored nature's warning.
He continued his job at his Dad's radio station
until May of 1971, when he got a letter from Uncle Sam.
Uncle Sam was busy kicking Charlie out of South Vietnam
and needed some help from young, unmarried patriots.
Rusty wanted to help - honest he did!
So Rusty reported to the draft board.
The military doctors discovered Rusty's problem.
He had a 40-pound cyst on his ass.
They called it a pilonidal cyst.
"Pilon" is Latin for "hair."
Rusty asked the doctor how he got the cyst and learned
it was the result of poor personal hygeine.
Dirty Rusty wasn't wiping himself very well.
He wasn't washing "back there."
In the Army, they call it "jeep rot," because soldiers
at war don't have access to toilet paper and they often
walk or ride for weeks without proper hygeine.
This is all true.
However, this 40-pound cyst kept Dirty Rusty
from joining the armed services.
I wonder who went in his place?
Rusty went back to his job at his Dad's station.
Eventually, his Dad fired him, too.
Rusty moved on to two failed marriages and a series
of radio jobs where, he admits, he was fired 9 times.
Rusty's teenage medical problems were forgotten until he became famous.
He became so famous in show business, his enemies decided to look into his past.
Rusty was a gung-ho hawk on America's fighting forces.
Eventually, people wondered what Rusty did in the war.
What were his heroic adventures like?
How many times did he prove his courage under fire?
Did he get the Silver Cross?
How many Purple Hearts did Rusty have?
Did he save an entire division?
With half his brain tied behind his back, just to make it fair?
You may know Rusty by another name.
His radio show is carried by 600 stations.
Dirty Rusty is actually.... Rush Limba.
My sources tell me nobody has ever avoided the draft
by being "too dirty" before.
..and now you know ...The Rest of The Story.
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