Vol 44 - Wanna Sell a Book?

Bob Dole

I'm sorry.
The mention of his name provokes laughter.

Bill Clinton is in double-trouble.

1. The GOP says he's "afraid of the people."
    The GOP says he's "isolating America's House."
    The GOP says "Strangers should be able to park
    Ryder trucks next to the White House."

AND they say...

2. He failed to personally oversee the construction of
    a wall that might've protected our soldiers from
    Ryder trucks in every base in the middle-east.

Which is it?
Either the GOP is a bunch of hate-obsessed bastards
or Clinton is a bad man.

James Carville

On Meet the Press, 7/14, he promised to raise $2,000,000
to pay for a Newt Gingrich prime-time speech.
He said Gingrich could talk on any topic, and he'd be happy to pay for it.

He's doing this to guarantee Clinton's re-election.
It's called confidence.

Poor Bob Dole

I'm as Democrat as an eskimo can be,
but I feel sorry for the poor bastard.
Monday night, he's on Larry King for a full hour.
He's just had the worst week of his political career
and he's going on live TV to answer questions.

Pray for Bob Dole

December, 1995


Receptionist: Doubleday. May I help you?

Caller: I have an idea for a great book.
            Let me speak to an editor.

Receptionist: Hold on. You can speak to Mr. Grey.

Grey: Grey, here.

Caller: This is Agent Aldrich. I've been working at the
            White House for three years, and I have a book for you.
            I've seen awful, terrible behavior by the Clinton's.

Grey: Good God, man.
          Can you come right over?

Aldrich: I can be there in 30 minutes.

Grey: Don't let yourself be followed.

Aldrich: I'm FBI, goddammit.
              Nobody tails me.

Grey: Aldrich, if you're murdered in the next half hour,
           I'll see to it Hillary is brought to justice!

Thirty minutes later....

Grey: Good to meet you, Agent Aldrich.
          Hillary wasn't able to assassinate you, thank God.
          Let's use this room. It's a secure area.
          OK, tell me what you have.

Aldrich: Not so fast. Let's talk cash.
              How much can I make if the book is a big success?

Grey: I'd say mid-six figures, from $400,000 to $750,000.
          That's ...if your stuff is hot!

Aldrich: Wow! It is, Sir.
              I'm ready to talk.

Grey: So, what kinds of stuff did you see?

Aldrich: It's terrible over there. I couldn't believe it.
              Those teenagers don't know what they're doing.
              Some of them wear their hair long!
              I thought I saw an earring on one guy. Imagine that!
             They put their feet on the desk, and everything.
             They dress like they're going to a movie.

Grey: What about the Clinton's personally?

Aldrich: Well, Clinton eats like a horse.
              And Hillary!
              Whooo boy, does SHE have a temper.
              A few months ago, the chef served pork chops to the
              Isreali ambassador and Hillary threw a fit!

              She said the chef needed to "pay attention."
              These Clintons, they'll walk over anybody!

Grey: That's it?
          These are your startling revelations?

Aldrich: Well...there's MORE!
              They listen to the Rock and Roll.
              Plus, the endless charades.
              Bill and Hillary sometimes hold hands and hug
              when they're alone - just in case somebody
              suddenly walks in the room. They're so fake!

Grey: Aldrich, we need something HOT to make money.

Aldrich: What do you mean "hot?"

Grey: For instance, did Clinton ever screw around?

Aldrich: No, not even once.

Grey: You'd know if he did? For sure?

Aldrich: Of course.
              That's my job.
              I'm Secret Cervix.
              I was INSIDE the White House.

Grey: I like the ring of that - INSIDE the White House.
          Did you ever see him enter a room with a woman?

Aldrich: No, not unless others were there, too.

Grey: Aldrich, that half a million dollars is starting
          to get up and walk away from you. Don't you want it?
          We can't sell books without dirt.
          Let's try it this way:
          Do you have kids?

Aldrich: Yes, two boys, 8 and 10 years old. Why?

Grey: Would you be willing to guarantee, on the lives
           of your two boys, that Clinton has never cheated
           since he's been in the White House?

Aldrich: Well...no, I can't be 1,000% certain of that.
               Jesus, I'd never risk my children's lives on...

Grey: Good!! Now we're onto something!

Aldrich: We are?

Grey: Have you ever heard any rumors that Clinton
          slept around as President?

Aldrich: Sure. David Brock says it all the time.

Grey: Good. This is going to work out wonderfully.

Aldrich: But Mr. Grey, none of that stuff is true.

Grey: Doesn't matter.
          With the Clinton's, we have a new way of reporting. You see,
          until 1992, we had a very strict policy: "Always get two sources."
          In 1993, we went to a "one source" policy.
          In 1994, we went to a completely new policy.

          It's called, "Fuck it. We hear it, we print it."
          Hell, how do you think Paula Jones made her money?

Aldrich: You mean Paula Jones is lying?

Grey: Oh, Christ! And you work for the FBI?

          Of COURSE Paula Jones is lying. What are you, stupid?
          She made out like Jesse James, but ...back to you.
          What else do you have?
          What's the last thing you worked on at the White House?

Aldrich: It was early December. I guarded the foyer
              when Hillary decorated the Christmas tree.

Grey: Christmas tree.. Christmas tree...
          .....not much to work with there.
          Wait! I know!!
          Did you see Hillary with any X-Rated Christmas tree ornaments?

Aldrich: What?
               X-rated what?
               Ha ha.
               Oh, please.
               Get Real.

Grey: I AM real Aldrich. I'm real ready to write you
          an advance check for $100,000 right now.

Aldrich: Fine, but X-Rated Christmas ornaments?
               In the goddamn White House?
              Who'd buy it?

Grey: The red-meat crowd on the far-right, that's who.
          The Limba-Liddy crowd.
          They'll buy fucking ANYTHING that's anti-Clinton.
          They'll buy it if YOU say it's true.
          Jesus, you're FBI!

Aldrich: But it's NOT true.

Grey: Remember your kids.
          If you're willing to bet their lives that she has no
          X-Rated ornaments, well.... you're not much of a father.

Aldrich: I.... I... guess I'm in.
             When do we start?

Grey: "We're" already done. Just sign these papers and
           our writers will start on your book.
           Congratulations. You're a published author.

Aldrich: You don't want me to help write my own book?

Grey: Not necessary. All you have to do is go on Meet the Press and
          Brinkley and swear everything in the book is true.
          That....and go to the bank. Ha Ha.

Aldrich: And you're sure this is legal and ethical?

Grey: I guarantee it's legal, son.
          I'm an attorney.
          This is what I do for a living.

          As far as ethical, grow up.
          We're the press.

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