Is this a convention or a goodbye roast?
Tuesday was a bust for Snoot's "revolution."
For years, the GOP has been whining about the evil press.
They said the GOP would be America's favorite if only
the "conspiratorial, dominant media-culture elitist press"
would stop lying about them.
Tuesday, the GOP assembled a few "focus groups,"
like the ones Rush claims Clinton uses...
They got an unfiltered look at modern Conservativism.
The GOP got a big 2x4 between the eyes.
Their own focus groups asked "Why the hate?"
Their own focus groups gave Clinton a 5-point BOOST
after they witnessed Tuesday's hatefest.
Their own focus groups asked why the GOP used their
time to slur Bill Clinton, instead of telling us
what the GOP might do for America.
Is that right?
Every Republican is saying "Diversity makes us stronger!"
They're talking about pro-choice Republicans.
They were TOLD to say that, because it sounds good.
But they're talking about people they call "baby killers."
How can any group get stronger by allowing baby-killers to join?
The GOP is hiding all the old, white men who run
the party. Instead, they're rounding up every black
and every woman they can find to slur Bill Clinton.
It looks like "Tarzan Vs. The Amazons" up there.
Did anyone else get the feeling that
"The Shining City on the Hill" is really Palm Springs?
How many blacks do you think there are in Reagan's "Shining City?"
How many Hispanics do you think live in Reagan's
"Shining City on the Hill?"
Tuesday the 13th, Dan Quayle told Bernard Shaw that
Republicans were taking bets on when Kemp would
"jump ship and try to upstage Dole."
Quayle's exact words:
"Will it be three days?
Will it be three weeks?
Will it be before the debates?"
Looks like somebody's not being a team player.
Wouldn't it be nice if the GOP and Bob Dole sent $100
to charity every time they mentioned his bad arm?
I'm reminded of the time Jack Kemp and Jim Baker had
to be physically separated. Jack Kemp offered some
unsolicited foreign policy advice to Jim Baker,
Secretary of State at the time.
Baker told Kemp he had "the brains of a bag of rocks,"
and his foreign policy "expertise" wasn't needed.
Kemp took that as fightin words and raised his fists to challenge Baker.
John Sununu, of all people, got between them and
prevented an ass-kicking by Kemp.
It's too bad Sununu didn't take a shot or two...
I'm watching Robin Dole address the Convention.
I wonder where Robin's Mom is?
Snoot said: "A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball
was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it
and that's what freedom is all about."
Does it get any more lame than that?
Yes, it does.
I'm so impressed with the concern the Republicans are
showing for disabled Americans, black Americans,
Native Americans, women and the elderly.
Is my partisanship showing?
Liddy Dole, to me, is the most phoney,
unnatural and wooden speaker I've ever seen.
Next to her husband, that is.
I guess when she speaks after Bob, she comes off as Miss Natural.
As natural as some 62 year-old Miss America applicant.
We used to say Nancy Reagan was phoney,
but she looks like Mrs. Santa Claus next to Liddy.
That plastic smile, that masculine/helium voice...
Take away the shrapnel wounds, for a moment.
What does Bob Dole offer America?
Jean Kirkpatrick addressed the crowd in San Diego.
How can anyone take her seriously?
After all, she has a vagina.
Rush says "Women think with their vaginas."
Rush also said battered women like Bill Clinton
because "they know they don't deserve better."
Rush Limba is such a knuckle-dragger.
That gender gap mystery gets deeper all the time.
Butch said "President Clinton demeans the White House."
Can you believe that?
Old Butch, the fourth GOP president in a row to
give or get a pardon, thinks Clinton is demeaning?
Mommie needs help drying dishes.
Get in the kitchen!
SNOOTY had his kids onstage Tuesday night.
Are those the same kids he abandoned?
I guess they've forgiven him.
SNOOT's preacher said he had to ask their church
to contribute money for their support, because SNOOT
didn't send support money to his former wife, as promised.
Is it SNOOT'S fault his new honey liked nice restaurants?
Looks like Hillary was right.
It takes a small town in Georgia.
I wonder how many hours Bob Dole has spent
in Russell, Kansas the last ten years.
Isn't Russell, Kansas like a village?
So, it took a village to raise Snoot's kids,
and it took a village to raise Bob Dole,
but Hillary's a socialist.
Tom Cruise couldn't save this for Dole.
Pete Wilson was allowed to speak in his HOME TOWN!!
This a victory for Bob Dole.
Ralph Reed is PISSED!
Ralph doesn't like it when his puppy disobeys.
Great GOP Quotes
"As I watched Dole deliver his speech last night,
I told Marta that Dole would never have a Paula Jones
problem or a Gennifer Flowers problem."
You're right again, Rush.
I can't imagine a woman in America claiming
she's had sex with that sour old man.
There they go again.
Elizabitch Dole is telling us AGAIN how poor Bob Dole
was as a child. That contrasts mightily with Clinton's
guilded billionaire upbringing, doesn't it?
But STILL, no mention of Bob Dole's dog!
Maybe you haven't heard this story,
but it's as true as Quayle is stupid.
They say, swear to Koresh, during the depression,
Bob Dole's family was so broke, young Bob Dole
shaved the goddamn family dog "to sell the fir."
Now, maybe the dog-fir business was hotcakes in
Russell, Kansas, but somehow it sounds too stupid.
Clinton says he didn't inhale,
and Dole shaved the family dog.
I'm not sure we need either guy's finger on the button.
The guy from Alaska's almost started a saloon brawl.
"The Great State of Alaska, which is bigger than Texas,
California and Colorado put to together, cast their
votes for Bob Dole, and people from Texans can eat me!"
That's not unity.
They say Liddy helps to define the real Bob Dole.
You mean after knowing Bob Dole for 35 years,
he's not the cranky bastard we all think he is?
Why do the Republicans have a black woman call the roll...
Dole has a gender gap?
Are you kidding me?
Great GOP Quotes
My father's feet were swollen from standing on a
train for that long ride from Kansas to Michigan.
--Bob "Weepy" Dole
"Pops" Dole wasn't too bright, was he?
A smarter man might've sat down.
Who was that nutty lady from Nevada?
She said "Nevada is America's number one producer
of gold, silver and alien autopsies."
Was that in the script?
Republicans can be such vicious bastards.
Seriously, have you ever heard a democrat attack another
democrat with the hate the GOP saves for their own?
I bring this up because of John McCain.
I kind of like him, especially for backing Clinton
when America reopened relations with Vietnam.
McCain was the PERFECT trump card for Clinton.
He could've said "No," and towed the GOP party line,
but he backed Clinton because he said it was
"the right thing to do."
So, then, a few weeks ago when McCain's name came up
as a possible VP, the calls lit up on Limba's switchboard.
"John McCain got preferrential treatment as a POW
because of who his daddy was," the slur went.
It's my understanding they offered to let McCain go,
and he said "Not as long as you have the others."
If the Editor of RL-LNW buys the McCain story,
why can't the McVeigh radicals buy it?
Now that the convention is over,
be sure to reset your clocks back to 1996.
Great Dole Quotes
"The root cause of crime is ...... CRIMINALS!!!"
Who wrote that, Quayle?
Make him stop!
The root cause of burns is heat?
"All things don't flow from wealth or poverty."
"I was bred to defend a standard."
"I'm for a cooler summer, and a warmer winter!"
Ha ha ha, make him STOP, please!
I can't stand it!
My sides are killing me!
Bob, is this one of those "I know the way" deals?
"I'm going to abolish the IRS."
...and replace it with what?
The Honor System?
"I don't need the presidency to retain my soul."
Good thing, Bob.
"I will betray nothing!!"
How about the English Language, Bob?
You've been pretty disloyal there.
"The last time I was in Chicago, I saw a ten year old boy.
I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up.
You know what he said?"
"He said 'a supply-side whore,' the little bastard."
Bob Dole says people who served in the military
are "more American" than those who didn't.
Is this a Stoopidity Convention?
When will the Republicans learn?
Let's look at the record:
Newt Gingrich - no military service
Dick Army - no military service
Trent Lott - no military service
Tom Delay - no military service
Richard Gephardt - Air National Guard 1967-1971.
David Bonior - Air Force 1968-72.
Tom Daschle - Air Force 1969-72.
my favorite... - George McGovern flew 55
bombing missions over Germany in World War II.
So, according To Bob Dole, Gephardt, Bonoir, Daschle and McGovern
are better Americans than Snoot, Army and Lott.
But hell, we knew that.
D'Amato was CLEARLY drunk.
If you saw him during the state's roll call,
you know I'm telling the truth.
The Republicans say Liddy Dole was very effective
showing the "human side" of Bob Dole.
Why does Bob Dole need help proving he's human?
I can't believe Jeane Kirkpatrick!
I'm trying to publish a little humor magazine,
but when I see shit like this, what do I do?
She's whining about the 18 Rangers that died in Somalia
and the 19 Marines that died in Saudi Arabia.
She blames Clinton for this.
So far, about 40 men, too many for sure,
but 40 men died under Clinton's command.
She failed to mention the TWO HUNDRED Marines
who died in Lebanon during Reagan's watch.
Remember what he said?
When asked why those Marines weren't better protected,
Reagan said "Well, you know how it is..you order the
kitchen cabinets and they arrive too late."
Lockerbie was another 230.
Butch lost a dozen in Panama,
and another 160 or so from Desert Storm.
Why are those lives worth less than Somalia's 18?
Why are those lives worth less than Arabia's 19?
If YOU had a son or husband in the military,
would you rather they die under a "good" Ronald Reagan?
Or would you rather they came home under "bad" Clinton?
Idaho just cast their 19 votes for Randy Weaver!
More fun quotes
"We might not get every vote."
Jack, you're a nut.
You might not get every THIRD vote.
"To balance the budget AND cut taxes,
all you need is Presidential Will!"
Jack, explain why Reagan and Butch had no will.
Fred Thompson, (R-Bonehead) says this:
1. "We're paying waaaaaaaaaaay too much taxes."
Then he says...
2. "Bill Clinton won't support the trillion dollar
Stars Wars anti-missle system."
You guys are always SQUEEEEEEEEEEELING about how
"It's NOT your money, Uncle Sam!"
Is it our money if we need to throw away 30 trillion
on an anti-missle system that doesn't work?
Is it still our money if Phil Gramm's (R-Bonehead)
district wants to build another 40 unrequested F-16'S?
Is it our money then?
Buchanan won the Louisiana caucus or whatever.
Yet, no Buchanan posters were seen in the....
The Louisiana delegation just cast their votes!
Louisiana says "White is Right."
Six votes for Buchanan, Six for Bob Dole,
and fourteen for David Duke!
Illinois tried again and again to cast their 69 votes,
but their spokesman couldn't stop giggling.
Susan Moliari denied any responsibility.
One other thing about Robin Dole:
Her sexual orientation is NONE of our business!!
I'm so embarrassed.
All this time, I've been so wrong.
I thought the Republican Party was exclusive.
But when Wendy Gramm, Phil Gramm's Korean wife,
was allowed to address the convention,
I realized, at that point, they WERE sincere!!
Why was Bob Dole leaving syllables out of words?
Rush says "because he was nervous."
Is that what it was?
When Dole says "the federal guvent," should we worry?
Remember, Dole said he'd "be Reagan" if we wanted him to.
In closing, let me make a confession:
You've come to expect honesty from your Editor,
and I will continue being honest with you now.
While watching the Reagan video Monday night,
I had tears in my eyes. I tried to blink them away,
but eventually I had to dab them with a paper towel.
How could anybody watch that and not get teary-eyed?
Who among us is so hardened that they don't cry when
they think about what Ronald Reagan did to America?
Who can remain dry-eyed when you think of the trillions
he spent while promising everyone he was going to
"reduce the size of our government."
Reagan spent more money than EVERY President from
George Washington through Jimmy Carter COMBINED!
That makes me cry.
Jesus, in the year 2375, when Jim Kirk launches the
Starship Enterprize, our descendants will still be
paying for the Reagan Error.
That makes my cry, too.
When I think that Clinton's 1996 budget would have a
goddamn SURPLUS if not for the Reagan/Butch debt,
I bawl like Bob Dole at Nixon's funeral.
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