"It's Only the Beginning, Stupid"
It was history.
In 1963, I saw Willie Mays hit a home run in St. Louis.
In 1977, I saw Jimmy Page hit one.
In 1996, I saw Bill Clinton hit a big one.
It's so poetic
watching the ball clear the fence.
"Stop telling the truth about my record!"
-Bob Dole August 28, 1996
Great Democratic Quotes:
"It's not a competition between them. Mrs. Dole and
Mrs. Clinton are both great, super ladies."
When was the last time a Republican said
something nice about a Democrat?
Time Magazine reminds us that back in 1980 and 1984,
the Democrats used the phrase "that Reagan Magic."
Bill Clinton has a similar telegenic connection.
Do the Republicans call it "Clinton Magic?"
Republicans call America's President Bill Clinton
a "serial-killing, drug-smuggling, child-raping,
Stalinist/Leninist, mattress-tag-removing criminal."
Geez, where to next?
Bob Dole has had sex with more women than Howard Stern.
Top 10 Ways the Democratic Convention
is more fun than the Republican Convention
10. The Democrats brought killer weed, dude.
9. TV crews found minority delegates this time.
8. Less chance nominee will assume room temperature
before taking the oath.
6. Hookers know Democratics are BIG business!
5. Tipper + Al + tequila = white people dancing.
4. Secret "you know what" party in Jocelyn Elders' room.
3. "I'm with the Unindicted Co-Conspirator" shirts for sale.
2. Nothing spices up a speech like a stolen FBI file.
...and the number one way the Democratic Convention
will be more fun than the Republican Convention...
1. Ted Kennedy's in charge of entertainment
Marion Barry is in charge of refreshments.
News reports say the Republicans have hired
Bela Karoli to train with Bob Dole.
When Dole falls 25 points behind,
Bela will tell him "You can DO it!"
I understand why Bob Dole holds a pen in his bad hand.
It's so people don't try to shake it, right?
I imagine his arm hurts from time to time, and he
doesn't need a hundred bozos grabbing his hand.
That makes sense.
It's a good idea.
But what does it mean when he puts the pen in his mouth?
Don't ask him any questions?
Wait a minute.
STOP THE TAPE!
Let's use logic on the situation:
The GOP says Bill Clinton is a super-leftist-liberal.
The American people know Bill Clinton very well.
If Bill Clinton is a super-leftist-liberal,
and he leads conservative Bob Dole by 20 points,
doesn't that mean America is a liberal country?
Do you have a conservative friend?
Tell him/her I said Hillary was as pretty as a
Playmate when she gave her speech Tuesday night.
(Careful when you tell them. Your conservative friends
might be a little testy this week.)
She's lost weight, she has a tan,
her hair was the best ever - she's a babe!
I'd like to break the 6th and 9th Commandments with her.
She looked so fine, Bill hit on her.
Great Rush Quotes:
"Hillary spoke very slowly the other night.
You know why?
It's because she think's she's smarter than you."
(Rush complains more than Norman Bates's mother.)
"She thinks you're so stupid, you can't understand
what she says unless she speaks real slow.
That's how liberals are, you know.
With their uppitty attitude."
(This is my favorite.)
"Remember back in 1992, Bill and Hillary came riding
into Washington on their big white horse..."
I taped the whole thing.
They did NOT ride into Washington on a big, white horse.
How much dole could a Bob Dole dole
if a Bob Dole could dole dole?
Wednesday, the 28th, Rush spent the first hour
playing funeral dirges and a tape of a crying baby.
How that helps Bob Dole, I'm not sure.
If MY candidate was 15-20 points behind the
best campaigner of the 20th Century,
I'd be worried as hell.
Tears are called for, even expected.
Of course, Rush needs Clinton.
If Dole won, and the GOP kept both houses,
Rush would become the government's apologist.
Rush may be a talented rabble-rouser, but could you stand
him explaining how your government was working FOR you,
doing it's best to deliver cost-effective programs
that brought real results, in a timely manner?
$25M x 4 = $100M
Rush has a hundred million riding on a Clinton victory.
Clinton's 20-point lead has the GOP so worried,
Dole is shaking like a Mexican carburetor.
The Democrats are even getting political points for
dancing the Macarena, so confident in their lead.
Frustrated that their side doesn't have a theme song,
Dole ordered his handlers to find him one.
Someone suggested a Rolling Stones song,
so Dole picked "Time Is On My Side."
Great Rush Quotes:
"Hillary says she's the victim of personal attacks.
I've never heard a Republican attack her.
Not even once."
"Besides, she invited those attacks
when she jumped into the fray."
GOD, please protect me from your followers.
Dole is talking like if the Repubs win, drug use would drop
50% the first year, without any erosion of civil rights.
You believe that?
Wanna buy a gram of supply-side?
Haley Barbour said:
"Clinton is the perfect candidate for Dick Morris
because Dick Morris isn't tethered to any principles."
To prove the GOP has principles,
Governor William Weld, Governor Pete Wilson,
Trent Lott and Jesse Helms have all resigned.
You've heard about the gorilla in Chicago that took the
injured boy to the cage door? Well, it's a good thing
the gorilla saved him and not, say, Hillary Clinton.
If Hillary had done that, the Prtince of Whales would
claim she pushed the kid over the rail, herself.
And Bob Dole would accuse her of trying to start a
socialized, big-government, federally-funded
child transport system.
"That Kenny G. musical tribute to Ron brown sickened me."
Rush, you're a whore-ible excuse for a human being.
Bob Dole: Bill Clinton is stealing all my ideas.
If that's the case, why shouldn't I be president?
RL-LNW: Well, Bob, let me count the reasons.
1. You're too old.
2. You're too stupid.
3. You're addicted to tobacco money.
4. The Coathanger Coalition has a mortgage on you.
5. You can't even control your own party.
6. Your bungling flip-flops make Bill Clinton
look like the Rock of Gibralter by comparison.
Rush got 100 calls Wednesday, 20 are women.
He has Snerdly put the women through so he can say
"I can't believe how angry American women are with Hillary."
To say that Bob Dole has problems articulating his vision
is like saying the Antarctica Tourist Board is slack
in its attempt to attract surfing conventions.
Barnes & Noble Bookstore says Rush's new book,
"It Takes a Reich" will go on sale in early October.
Jack Kemp in East LA, August 29
"We covet your vote. (Dumbass way to start, don't you think?)
It's not the same old Republican Party.
Why, we Republicans have changed so much,
many of us don't hate ni...
...don't hate blacks anymore."
Scott Reed, Dole campaign chairman was on
Evans and Novak August 31
Evans: Mr. Reed, you're twenty points behind Clinton.
What can you do to turn the race around?
Reed: The voters know that Bill Clinton
is on the wrong track for America.
(Did anyone see an answer there?)
Evans: Snoot Gingrich is the skunk at the picnic.
He's the most unpopular man in America.
Have you asked him to step down as Speaker?
Reed: No, we never even thought of that.
In a startling move - Paula Jones, the Dick Morris girl,
Gennifer Flowers and Rush Limba have asked a federal
court to decide which of them is "America's Whore."
Clinton and Lincoln have so much in common.
1. Lincoln freed slaves,
Clinton tried to free gays, but the GOP said "no."
2. Both have seven letters in their first name.
3. Both have seven letters in their last name.
4. Both accused of "getting too much tail."
No, wait.....that's "being too tall."
5. Both had newsworthy wives.
6. Both were the most hated man of their time.
.....I think it's time to stop this comparison.
Caller: Gee, Rush. It's such an honor to speak to you.
Caller: Rush, you won't believe what happened.
I owned a daycare center for several years.
My son got a dog. We named him RUSH!
(She didn't say if it was a pit bull,
a German shepherd or a rotweiller.)
The bureaucrat at the licensing board heard what
we named him and refused to renew my license.
Rush: That's how those liberals are.
Always trying to destroy!
(If you heard Rush Wed, you know this is true.)
RL-LNW did some undercover work.
We were very startled when we found the facts.
Rush runs around naked, all the time.
This is a fact.
Rush wears a studded, leather collar, you know,
like the ones they sell at the porno book stores.
Rush eats out of a bowl on the floor.
I am NOT making this up!
The STAR tabloid has pictures of Rush licking himself!!
OK, OK, you caught me.
I wasn't talking about popular choco-radio-talk show host
Rush Limba, ha ha. I was talking about Rush the dog.
One bright spot.
Rush the dog passed the Army Admissions
test for personal hygeine.
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!