It was close, and it was scary.
The House passed the "Defense of Marriage Act."
Remember what Rush always says?
"The more outlandish the name,
the more harmful a bill will be."
Thank God, the Republican Freshman saved my marriage.
Without this bill, I'd have to leave my wife.
Without this bill, if partners were allowed to
share insurance policies, or have probate rights or
hospital visitation privileges, my marriage would be
a sham and I'd have to shoot myself!
You saved my goddamn life!
If a state allowed "alternative marriages,"
America would crumble as an entity.
Goodbye, Dallas Cowboys!
Goodbye, Seinfeld and General Motors!
Goodbye, Coca-Cola and IBM!
No more TV,
no more movies,
The GOP saved us.
They should win re-election on that point, alone.
Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why the GOP
says liberals "teach" homosexuality in our schools?
Have any students ever witnessed a demonstration?
Does the Coathanger Coalition want teachers to
teach hatred for the children that God made gay?
Did God make a mistake?
Did He screw up?
Did God create gay people so we could hate them?
What is the recommended proceedure?
Hate their "sin," deny them rights,
and hope God makes it right in the afterlife?
Jesus loved prostitutes and lepers.
But gays need to be beaten and dismissed?
Now, let's talk about Bill Clinton.
Clinton isn't against civil rights for anybody.
Clinton WANTS to veto this hate-bill, but if he did,
Bob Dole's incredibly-inept bunglers might run
a thousand TV ads of two burly, bearded, overweight
Grizzly Adams look-a-likes in wedding dresses saying
"Welcome to Bill Clinton's America."
Clinton would look like Dukakis in a tank.
Shit, I'd vote for Dole if I saw THAT ad.
You're not going to see that ad.
You know why you're not going to see that ad?
Because Clinton's not that fucking stupid, that's why!!
(Homage to Quintin Tarantino)
No way they can trap Bill Clinton!
He's too sharp for the GOP "intelligencia."
This just in:
Saddam says he considers American cruise missle attacks
and American fighter plane attacks "acts of war."
He's going to accuse us of using live ammunition?
I wonder if Saddam can spell potato...
I never got an answer to this riddle
from way back in Issue Number 20.
-Rush, Newt and Clarence Thomas were looking for a cheap
motel room with a single bed in Slidell, Louisiana.
Newt said it was Rush's turn to pay, so Limba waddled up
to the front desk. The manager trainee said the room
was $30. Rush gave the clerk a twenty and a ten.
When the manager returned, and found out his idol was in
the hotel, he decided to give him a discount. He saw Rush
at the snack machine and said "Mr. Limbaugh ..big dittoes..
You can have the corporate rate, so here's $5 back."
Rush saw a chance to make a profit on his ...friends.
When Rush got back to the room, he told Newt and "Slappy"
about the billing mistake, and that the room was only $27,
and gave them back a dollar each.
This left Rush with a two dollar profit.
But, if Rush, Newt and Clarence only "invested" $9 each,
for a total of twenty seven dollars, and Rush stole
two dollars, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER DOLLAR?
Does anybody know?
How do you clear an Iraqi Bingo Hall?
Poor Bob Dole....he says the stupidest damn things.
Check these quotes from Wednesday, September 11th.
He was addressing Republicans in Congress who panic at the
thought of Dole dragging them to defeat in the '96 landslide.
All these gems in a 5 minute span:
"Jack and I are looking voters in the eye and saying:
'I'm Bob Dole.'"
--I think Kemp is too smart to say that.
"When I get to the White House, I'll be twisting arms."
--Is that really your best metaphor, Bob?
"There are a lot of 'me, too' candidates
getting in this presidential race."
--Really Bob? A lot of new candidates?
Can you name six or eight?
"In California, we're ahead by eight points with people
who know our program."
Can you name six or eight?
"I promise another $7,000 in taxes for every American
family because they deserve it."
--Maybe he meant "tax cut," but he said "taxes."
"If you're optomistic, you don't let a 20-point deficit
get you down."
--But Bob, what if you're realistic?
They say Al Gore is so dull,
his Secret Cervix name is "Bob Dole."
Tupak was shot again.
He almost became Nopak.
Multi-millionaire rapper Tupak Shakur was shot
several times while cruising the Las Vegas Strip
after the Tyson boxing match Saturday night.
Police say he was hit with four rounds, which means
he survived three more rounds than Bruce Seldon.
I can't believe Ross Perot's pick for VP.
I like him, but Joe Walsh?
Great Rush Quotes:
"Bill Clinton doesn't have any political values."
This is all true:
Under Dole's new tax plan,
a family of five making $60,000
pays $3644 to the federal government.
Under the Clinton plan, the same family,
if one kid AND Mom are attending college,
they deduct the tuition and pay $2125.
Now do you see why Clinton is the best?
Clinton's way, you get a college degree
AND pay $1400 less in taxes every year!!!!
Dole's way, Rush gets a $4,000,000 tax cut
and your un-educated ass saves $1.16 a day.
While watching CNN yesterday,
I saw Dole tell a crowd in Fayetteville, Georgia
"Nobody's going to touch your benefits!
We're not going to cut Medicare, Social Security,
Medicade, military spending or tobacco subsidies."
"We're going to cut your taxes AND balace the budget."
Just then, Rocky and Dole-winkle appeared on the screen.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
I assume it was liberals - hacking onto CNN.
Dole-winkle: "Watch me, Rocky, I'm going to pull
a supply-side rabbit outa this hat."
Rocky frowns and says "Again? That trick NEVER works."
Dole-winkle reaches in the hat and pulls out
a DEFICIT LION that ROARS at him.
Dole-winkle: "....Must be the wrong hat."
Outrage of the week
In his USA Today column, Larry King said there are at
least a dozen Country Clubs in America that won't
allow a black man, such as Tiger Woods, to play golf.
I don't know Dole about Tiger Woods or the game of golf.
But that racism shit has to go, and it has to go now.
The cornerstone of the foundation of RL-LNW magazine
is the right of every minority to get a piece.
Jesus H. Christ!
Lincoln freed the slaves 130 years ago.
Why can't Tiger Woods get in some Country Clubs?
And do we think these clubs are owned by liberals?
No, we don't.
At a rally in Florida, reporters noticed Bob Dole's
knees were unsteady..... a blank stare on his face
and his speech was slurred and unsteady.
Referee Richard Steele stopped the contest.
Mrs. Dole and Mrs. Kemp did a photo-op for
Good Morning America a week ago Friday.
They were riding bicycles in downtown Boston when Liddy
followed Mrs. Kemp onto an unfamiliar cobblestone street.
"I've never come this way before," said Liddy Dole.
"It's the cobblestones," said Mrs. Kemp.
To me, the premise is so simple:
Democrats aren't asking Republicans to accept
bank robbers, child molesters and thieves.
We're asking Republicans to accept those
BORN with darker skin,
BORN with a gay gene,
BORN in poverty,
BORN in another country or
BORN with a disability.
If you have a problem with that, blame God.
WHEN did we ask you to accept bad intentions?
WHEN did we ask you to accept anything more than
equality for someone before they entered the room?
Which rights have we demanded that aren't
deserving of fellow human beings?
Wait a minute ...back the truck up.
If Arkansas recognizes a marriage if the girl is 13,
and Kansas recognizes a marriage if the girl is 15,
should Arkansas be forced to accept a marriage
that's illegal in their state?
If a 19-year old impregnates a 17-year old girl
in South Dakota, he's liable for child support.
If a 19-year old impregnates a 17-year old girl
in North Dakota, he's eligible for life in prison.
Should North Dakota be forced to accept "rapists"
from their neighbor to the south?
FUCK state's rights!
This is America.
You ever watch a "Big Valley" episode?
What if the Sheriff didn't allow red shirts?
You ever watch "Bonanza?"
What if the Sheriff didn't like Negroes?
You ever watch "Gunsmoke?"
What if Marshall Dillion didn't like "Slants?"
Did you see "Blazing Saddles?"
What if we don't "do" Irish people in our town?
In America, do states have those rights?
FUCK state's rights.
This is America!
You ever hear of the Mann Act?
The Mann Act, passed no doubt, by religio-wackos,
makes it a felony to screw her in EAST St. Louis,
but it's only a misdemeanor to screw her in St. Louis.
Can we STOP governing with our bibles?
Wouldn't a FEDERAL STANDARD make some sense here?
I think it's time we fight another Civil War!
The gay-bashers aren't content to lose by 20 points.
They're determined to lose by 35 or bust!
And Clinton is here to help tham.
Other Issues: [Index]
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!