This just in....
CNN reports Bill Clinton used a Presidential Pardon
to free the White House Thanksgiving turkey!
The Republicans were, predictably, outraged!
Washington is buzzing with rumors that the turkey
once did contract work for the Rose Law Firm!!
OH, JESUS!
And, just when you thought the black cloud hovering over
President Clinton couldn't GET any worse, nobody remembers
hiring the goddamn turkey in the first place!
OH, JESUS!
As always, Ringo Starr has asked Janet Reno for permission
to form ANOTHER Grand Jury team to investigate.
With 6 or 8 million dollars of YOUR money, Ringo will be
able to deduce that Hillary MAY HAVE had the opportunity to
recommend the hiring of the turkey only if someone comes
forward to admit when the actual hiring took place.
OH, JESUS!
Plus, the turkey is only three years old,
so they can't claim Vince Foster hired him.
Since I'm so good with 800 numbers....
I have another one for you.
Clarence Thomas has an 800 number.
But there's one thing.... DO NOT, repeat DO NOT
give him your credit card number when you call.
You'll have a thousand dollars worth of sex toys
and X-rated movies on your next Mastercard bill.
It's a recording - just listen.
Call 1-800-713-4865, and try not to giggle.
Slappy should be ashamed of his/herself.
There's something new and cool at the RL-LNW web site.
Go to http://www.ctyme.com/bartcop and at the bottom
of every issue, there's a "conference link."
That's where you talk back!
If you dare.
If you want to write to me, fine.
I'd enjoy hearing from you.
But if you want to argue politics or whatever,
let's do it there so I can beat you like a rented mule!
You conservative types, especially, need to sign in.
Does reality have a liberal bias?
MAILBAG
From: Timmy Hollingworth
Subject: Anger
A little angry, huh?
Reagan was right. America's best days
I feel sorry for you.
Sincerly,
Timmy
ED. My hate mail is waaaay to polite.
WHINERS
Y'know who I'm getting tired of? Terry Anderson.
"Oh, it was so terrible."
"Oh, they kidnapped me."
"Oh, they made me read old magazines."
"Oh, they served me fish with red wine."
Get OVER it, Dumbass!
Why don't you stop whining for a second and say "Thank You"
She worked her ASS off for you. She made a CONSTANT PEST
Nooooooooooo.
Instead of enjoying your freedom and thanking her,
And, Einstein, I've got a thunderbolt for you!
You got kidnapped because you ASKED to work in a city
Me?
I've never been kidnapped by anyone but the Catholics.
The FDA has declared the EIB Network a "hate delivery system."
They call it "Kesler's Revenge."
Hey, have you EVER seen the Republicans happier?
Republicans were popping champagne corks nationwide.
Under the new disclosure rules, high US officials such as
The Justice Department found out Clarence "Slappy" Thomas
Why does he buy such BIG bottles?
RL-LNW has subscribers in five countries.
OJ is trying to worm his way out of the civil suit.
The police doctor is prepared to testify that when he treated
The jailer is going to testify that when AC Cowlings first
OJ denied that, while playing a game of "horse" with Magic,
This Week's TOP TEN Porno Rentals
Here we go:
10. "Boy Soldier"
9. "Angels With Sticky Faces"
8. "I'll Do Anything Butt..."
7. "New Skid on the Block"
6. "Splendor in the Ass"
5. "Manwich"
4. "The Fabulous Plowboys"
3. "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Bang"
2. "Return of the Butt Flute"
and the number one Clarence Thomas rental THIS week...
1. "Bathroom Buddy" starring Redd Ruffensoar!
DAN QUAYLE - Stand Up Comedian
When I was younger, I was once on Wheel of Fortune.
Take my puzzle, for example.
D _ N N _ S
T H _
M _ N _ _ _
So, naturally, I guessed "Dennis The Monkey!
"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET! YOU SHOULD PRAY THE ROSARY!"
You know who said that?
Ruth Nichols lost her daughter in Saldi's murder spree.
During his trial, Salvi said he was driven by "insane urges."
No fair.
Well, old Johnny has done us all a favor.
The cowardly bastard!
I wonder if the NRA has retired his jersey?
I bet he thought he was going to heaven when he put
I can just see the son-of-a-bitch banging on the Pearly Gates,
When, Oh when will the pro-lifers stop killing?
BartCop vs. Liddy
Before we get into this series, let me remind you that
He speaks five languages, he's a pilot, a former prosecutor,
Or is he?
From the tape:
OK, let's see what the fax has brought in..
BIG question - If you can't answer these questions,
QUESTION ONE: IF SCIENCE PROVES HOMOSEXUALITY IS GENETIC,
Well, first of all, there's an assumption in there,
I do not hate homosexuals, and therefore since the assertion
IF SCIENCE PROVES HOMOSEXUALITY IS GENETIC, WILL YOU ACCEPT THEM?
I mean.... I accept FRANCE!
They don't have to prove it's genetic, which by the way,
So, that's the answer to THAT!
--
Have you EVER seen a 66 year old man dance so fast?
Liddy says he "accepts" gays like he "accepts" France.
But.. but... but when was the last time the Republicans
It doesn't HAPPEN!
You know why?
Because the GOP ACCEPTS France, and they DO NOT accept gays.
The truth is, he was CAUGHT in the Wicked BartCop Snare!
The only way he could get out was to LIE!
(A) Yes, I will stop hating them IF science proves they
(B) No, I'll continue to hate them for no goddamn reason.
Since A and B are politically incorrect, he had to LIE!
Then, he tells ANOTHER lie when he says science WILL NEVER
So, Mr. Big-Time White House attorney had to lie to get out
Hey! If "smart" Republicans are outwitted THIS easily,
Next issue, Liddy vs. BartCop on abortion.
Don't miss this one.
This fight is FIXED!
Bet on BartCop.
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Bartcop He's laughing at you!
Why? Can't take it?
are still ahead, despite people like you.
You need to see a therapist.
I will pray for you.
What a whiner this guy is.
to your sister. She spent those five years going from
press conference to talk show to lobbying group,
back to another press conference, another talk show,
to the White House to scream at Reagan and Butch etc etc.
out of herself, trying to get you free.
And now that you ARE free,
do you have any time for your sister?
you're whining about what a bad president Clinton is!
Clinton didn't get your sorry ass stolen from you.
Clinton didn't make any secret deals with terrorists.
Clinton didn't endanger others by REWARDING the criminals.
You know why you got kidnapped?
run by Ollie North's trading partners.
I didn't ASK to work in Beruit, so I don't have a CNN special
to whine and whine and whine about my dumbass decisions.
From now on, Rush must have FDA approval for scripts and callers.
Since Kessler resigned, tobacco stocks shot up.
The GOP is hoping they can raise tobacco deaths from
the present 450,000 level to over 600,000 by 1998.
Haley Barbour says with any luck, they'll reach
1,000,000 tobacco deaths by the year 2000.
Supreme Court Judges must disclose their financial dealings.
has bought heavily into Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup.
And why does he do with them when they're empty?
His attorneys are going to claim that a bloody
Buffalo Bills Super Bowl ring was found near the bodies.
OJ says that PROVES he was framed.
(Buffalo never won a Super Bowl.)
OJ for the cut on his finger, he pulled out a small knife to
cut the stitches and OJ reportedly said "You call THAT a knife?"
saw OJ in jail, he said "OJ, they said you was hung."
OJ smiled and said "They was right!"
he called a shot that went
"Over the fence, past the dog, up the hallway,
over Nicole... nothing but neck."
by Clarence "Slappy" Thomas
Damn, that's a tricky show.
Where do they get those genius people?
The subject was "50's TV Stars." It read:
John Salvi, the most prolific mass-murderer in "pro-life"
history as he pumped hot lead into a teenage girl.
"I've always wondered what my daughter's last thoughts were.
Salvi shot her TEN TIMES as she begged for mercy."
ALL the pro-life murderers can claim that.
He murdered another person - himself.
Must be more of that "pro-life" logic, eh?
He didn't have the balls to do his time.
It must've been so much "fun" to shoot those 7 people.
the plastic trash bag around his head and tied the knot.
claiming entry under the "Grenade Hurlers for Christ" clause.
I hope St. Peter kicks his murdering ass off the cloud.
G. Gordon Liddy is no dumbass/dillhole like Quayle or Inhofe.
Liddy is a very intelligent, well-read man.
former FBI agent, and his qualifications as an attorney were
good-enough to get him a job as White House attorney.
Plus, he spends 3 hours per-day debating Republican positions,
so he's no pushover.
This one is signed only 'BartCop,'
doesn't say where BartCop is from... and it says:
don't you owe your listeners an apology?
WILL YOU ACCEPT THEM, OR JUST CHANGE THE REASON YOU HATE THEM?
it's called a 'negative pregnant,' that I hate homosexuals.
is gratuitous, it can just as easily be gratuitously denied.
Well, of COURSE I accept them, as such.
It's there!
they're NOT going to do since there's absolutely no evidence
that it's genetic. It is a preference!
Let's dismantle his fraudulent response.
and the Coathanger Coalition got together and raised
a million dollars by denouncing FRANCE?!!!
This is a bald-faced lie by a man who knows better.
Liddy used a cheap, lawyer loophole to escape the question.
At least he TRIED to escape.
The HONEST way for a right-wing homophobe to answer is either:
had nothing to do with their choice of lifestyle, or
Old BartCop made Nixon's lawyer do the HOKEY-POKEY!!
(He put his left ass in, he put his left ass out...)
prove homosexuality is caused by genetics.
I'm no expert, but there've been studies where twins were
separated at birth, and both were gay when they met as adults.
of the box in which he was put by tricky old BartCop?
why isn't BartCop your President?
It's fun watching a "smart" conservative squirm, isn't it?
Trust me.
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