Great GOP Quotes
"We have an absolute moral obligation to work with
a Democratic president to make this system work."
You've discovered morals?
Why are your morals just now showing up?
Why didn't you do your damn job the last two years?
Did your 11% approval ratings change your mind?
The Clever Wit of Bob Dornan:
"The wimpy voters of Orange County don't
have the sense to pour piss out of a boot."
Senator for Sale:
Powerful NY Senator (MWM) seeking wealthy friends with cash
for purposes of playing a game of poker.
Banking Influence available, first come first serve.
Must have $80,000 cash, minimum.
Send picture of cash to:
Great Rush Quotes
"I want to be taken seriously."
Now, I gotta ask THIS question:
If homosexuality is NOT genetic,
if it's "learned," please someone explain:
1. Why does Snoot Gingrich have a gay sister?
If she "learned" homosexuality, did Snoot?
2. Why does Sonny Bono have a gay daughter?
Sonny taught her to be gay?
3. Why does Phyllis Schaffly have a gay son?
Did Phyllis the Shaft "teach" him to be gay?
4. Why do Ron and Nancy have a gay son?
(Or is he a straight ballerina?)
Why do they claim homosexuality is "learned,"
if most Republican families have gay children?
I'm pissed off, again.
Reading some Pearl Harbor stories, I see it was illegal
for a negro to defend his country back in 1941!!
Dorie Miller, a black man, became the first black sailor to
be awarded the Navy Cross for DISOBEYING orders at Pearl Harbor.
Because he was black, he was forbidden to fire a weapon!
A hard-working, tax-paying American citizen,
because he was a minority, was FORBIDDEN
to take up arms and defend his native country!
Can you think of ANYTHING more assinine that forbidding
a minority to defend your country?
yet isn't that EXACTLY what the GOP wants to prevent today?
A hard-working, tax-paying gay American citizen, because he is
a minority, should be FORBIDDEN to take up arms defending America?
Assuming the defense of America is a noble cause...
Why would we ask fellow-Americans to "step aside" while we
waited for "real" Americans to arrive and save the republic?
I know what you're thinking:
"There he goes again,"
But... but... when Pearl Harbor was attacked, aren't you
glad the black soldier defied orders and defended his country?
As far as WE know, the black guy might've downed 3 planes,
causing the Japanese commander to deduce he was 3 planes short,
causing him call off the attack, saving the goddamn west coast!!
There'a a chance in a thousand that America wouldn't BE HERE if
that "minority" hadn't illegally fought his ass off for America!
Yeah, sure Rush.
Let's ALL hate minorities, for a better Merica.
The Top Ten Celebrity Endorsers
10. Cybil Shepherd
9. Jonathan Pryce
8. Rosie O'Donnell
7. Kate Jackson
6. Elizabeth Taylor
5. Cindy Crawford
4. Jerry Seinfeld
3. Bill Cosby
2. Whoopi Goldberg
1. Candice Bergen
I have a question:
You see any lying, nazi whores on that list?
Do you know why?
Because Pizza Hut, Florida Orange Juice, Snapple
and all the others found out you LOSE MONEY
when a lying, nazi whore is your spokeman.
Proof: How many VW's did Hitler sell America during WW II?
Great GOP Quotes
"I know you didn't have any choice being black,
but what made you turn Jew?"
--Archie Bunker to Sammy Davis Jr.
Snoot Gingrich is the most hated politician in America.
He's also the most powerful Republican in Washington.
This is bad news for the McVeigh revolution.
You watch: Gerbil Boy will say this is causing "abject panic"
in the Democratic Party, like he always does,
and his sheep will buy it in Valdez quantities.
Yeah, I'll bet Al Gore can hardly stand the "panic."
OOH, OOH, Dick Armey is "threatening" to run.
Dick "Cut Education" Armey thinks he's presidential?
What, did Pee Wee Herman get caught again?
Armey is Snoot without the class and brains.
BartCop vs. Liddy IV
(Scheduled for this issue,
this feature will be in an upcoming issue.)
If you haven't had your hate today..
Go to www.attoday.com and read about the "black helicopters
Boutrous sent" to murder innocent militias. Read how the Jews
destroyed America, and, best of all, see pictures of
Bill Clinton's "mongrel kids."
Learn the truth about the "fake" Holocaust, and find out
why "Jew-owned Disney World" is evil's "home page."
Geez, even Limba could learn something from these people...
The AP reports Van Buren, Arkansas police shot and killed
a driver of a pickup truck who attempted to run over them.
Dennis Clark, of Booneville, Arkansas was pronounced dead at
St Edwards Mercy Hospital in Ft. Smith, Arkansas last Monday.
Clark was killed 90 miles from Mena, Arkansas, so, naturally,
Kenneth Starr assumed this was another Clinton-ordered murder.
As usual, the Van Buren police tried to give reporters the
impression there was no connection and no murder.
They even denied hearing from the White House!
The NERVE of this arrogant bunch!
I guess Falwell needs to update his tape...
Andrea Mitchell and Cockie Roberts spent Sunday whining,
"Does Clinton even HAVE a foreign policy?"
Yes, he does.
It's called "No Wars & No American Dead."
Why does EVERYONE have a problem with that?
Would America prefer the "crystal-clear" policies of
Reagan and Butch that cost over 1,000 American lives?
Oh, I forgot.
America just voted.
They LIKE Clinton.
Caller: Rush, I really got to hand it to you.
I've been listening to you for years, and I'm
impressed at how you always take the high road.
All the times I've listened to you, I've never heard
you take a cheap shot or insult anyone.
Rush: That's how I became the best in America.
Gag me with a swastica!
The high road? Limba?
This caller pissed me off so much, I had
an artist paint Rush's face inside the toilet.
Now, I relieve my anger about 6 times a day.
Andrew Sullivan, wacko-dork and sole subject of Volume 74,
was on Face the Nation with Bill Bennett, (better than you)
arguing the pro-gay marriage point of view.
This is bad news for people who support gay rights.
Andrew Sullivan is a bonehead on the Quayle/Slappy yardstick.
(The Quayle/Slappy yardstick is the traditional measure for
how stoopid a person is. Using Quayle/Slappy as a "12,"
Sullivan scores just slightly higher with a 14.
As Col. Potter might say, "there's not enough o's in stoopid"
to describe people like Andrew Sullivan, the walking spelling
mistake/senior editor for the New Republic.)
Perhaps you saw the interview?
Sullivan said "Why deny our happiness?"
Bennett replied "As long as you're redefining marriage,
why shouldn't I go out and marry my brother?"
Bill Bennett (better than you) wants to marry his brother?
And CLINTON is a counter-culture McGovernick?
Great Rush Quotes
"My Momma always told me, if you can't say something nice
about somebody, slur the living shit out of 'em."
Bob Dole's Daily Planner
5 AM Have nurses turn me
8 AM Wake up, curse Clinton, shower
8:15 Dial *69, see if anyone called...
8:30 "Bob Dole wants breakfast!
Bob Dole wants scrambled eggs.
Bob Dole doesn't like his eggs runny..."
9 AM Start treadmill, whine
9:05 Stop treadmill, complain
9:30 Dial *69, see if anyone called
10 AM Watch C-Span, cry
11 AM Look for mailman's truck, change address from:
Big Shot Government Somebody
Biggest Office in the Senate Building
Washington, DC 90210
just a man
Taxpayer-paid Luxury Condo
Loserville, FL 30475
NOON Set tanning alarm
3 PM Apply salve, order new goddamn tanning alarm
3:30 Dial *69, see if anyone called
4 PM Watch CNN, cry
5 PM Organize tommorow's calendar
6 PM Watch for Bag o' Hairspray's limo
7 PM Make decision on Sesame Street offer
9 PM Prepare race car single bed, curse Clinton,
Sleepy Time go bye-bye
How fat is Rush?
If you made him haul ass, he'd need 2 trips.
Speaker of House seeking huge advance on book deal.
$4M minimum, legislation to follow.
Send picture of $4M to
I can't stand them!
We've heard a lot of whining about "only 24% of the people,"
voted for Clinton, like that means something.
Obviously, LESS THAN 24% voted for the old, grouchy guy,
so what the hell is their point?
Another one is Linda Chavez!
She says "ignorant people shouldn't vote."
You didn't mind those mindless dorks voting in 1994.
The GOP said "The reason we won, is because the voters
are MORE informed due to talk radio, the Internet, etc."
But... but... but now that their boy lost in droves,
the American public suddenly got stoopid again?
Maybe we should have an quiz at the polls, questions like:
Name a Republican, besides Butch, who's still on wife one.
Most Republicans would fail...
Here are the people who got Clinton elected:
D'Amato, Snoot, Rush Limba and Kenneth Starr.
They were so blinded by their vindictiveness towards Clinton,
they failed to see the oncoming backlash that put the fox
back in control of the henhouse.
--some dude named Larry in Time Magazine
What do you call a Republican locked in the basement?
A whine seller
This just in...
News reports say the FIRST thing George Butch did when he took
office was order the restructuring of the succession process,
in case he lost his mind while in office.
Gee, I wonder why that was soooo important to him?
Could it be he saw what happened to Reagan?
The stories are ENDLESS about Reagan not recognizing his
own cabinet members and forgetting he was president.
Reagan's doctor, in USA Today, said "We new something was wrong,
we just thought it was the natural aging process."
It's OK if Reagan launches missles due to senility,
but it's unacceptable if he launches due to alzheimer's?
Anyway, a half-hearted "ditto" to Butch for fixing it...
Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Bonehead) is the only person to ever
score LESS than 12 on the Quayle/Slappy measuring stick.
In April 1995, he registered a 9.
A milestone for RL-LNW!
I must tell you that I saw your postings on the newsgroups and I
think you're one very, very funny comedy genius.
I rarely agree with your positions, but I always laugh out-loud
when I read each new issue. Some people think Supreme Court Justices
should be dour and morose all the time, but I'm not like that. After
all, all work and no play might make me dull.
I thought your "Top Ten" porno films was excellent, but I haven't seen
two of the films listed. I'm somewhat confused by the nickname you've
given me. How did you arrive at the name "Slappy?" My first year on the
court, Tony Scalia called me "Stymie," because he says I'm the judge
who always votes to block the will of the people. As a matter of fact,
you remind me a lot of Scalia. He's funny, too.
Thanks for the laughs, and keep them coming.
And put me on your subscription list!
Sincerely, and Merry Christmas,
Justice Clarence "Stymie" Thomas :)
PS. That "Cucumber Caper?"
It was zucchini.
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