The Case of the Purloined Pepper
Issue #82

Rush Limba - Lying Nazi Whore

If you threw a full-grown sewer rat and Ralph Reed
off the top floor of the World Trade Center,
who would hit the ground first?

Ralph Reed would.

God would extend His hand and save the sewer rat.

Who remembers 1984?

I do.

Ronald Reagan won re-election.
Remember his motto? "You ain't seen nothin' yet!"

Was he speaking Ebonics?

Why would a partially-educated ex-actor use a language
that the GOP now says is for "idiots and losers?"

Was Reagan ahead of his time?

And,,, doesn't this prove that Bill Clinton has America in
such great shape that the ONLY thing people can whine about
is the "danger" of Ebonics?

I wanted to send Rush a personalized Christmas card, but I
couldn't think of anything that rhymed with "rotten bastard."

Great Rush Quotes

"I'm a little disappointed in this White House....."

Limba, you're not a "little" anything.

The Most Admired of 1996 list is out.

As you'd expect, Bill Clinton is the most admired man
in the greatest country in the world. Again.

He won for the 4th time in a row, and the Pope was second.
Maybe if the Pope cleaned up his act, he'd do better?

Third was Colin Powell, then Billy Graham and,
as a sympathy gesture, old Bob Dole.

On the women's list, Hillary lost out to Mother Teresa,
which might be understandable since she's been so sick.
Barbara Butch, pro-choicer, was third, followed by
pro-choicer Oprah Winfrey and fifth was Bob Dole's
pro-choice Bag-o-Hairspray Elizabitch.

But wait! Isn't somebody missing?
I've got it! Where's our Lying, Nazi Whore!

Why didn't he make the most admired list?

The shortest joke in the BartCop archives:

Masochist: Beat me.

Sadist: No!

Clarence Thomas - Master Magician

"So, I'm riding down Canal Street with this hooker,
and she puts her hand in my thigh
and I turned into a motel."

Have you seen my Snickers commercial on TV?
They're playing it during the football playoffs.

The coach tells his football team that since they insist
on a prayer, they have to be fair and say ALL prayers.
Then they show a whole line of snake-handlers, Catholics
and chicken-stranglers waiting to lead their prayers.

"Not going anywhere for a while?" the announcer asks.

Either the Snickers people read RL-LNW,
or they heard Liddy's show the day I kicked his ass.

Great GOP Quotes

"Just because we're against the Clean Air Act,
don't assume we're against clean air."

--Snoot's sheep

New Year's Resolutions

"I promise to count to ten
before I beat my two-year old."

--Ralph Reed

Excuse me, you need to stop whatever you're doing and
feel sorry for Rep. Steve Largeant (R-Bonehead, Oklahoma)

You see, he has a problem with the upcoming Snoot vote.
He feels trapped.

"I really don't have a decision. There's no choice.
The alternatives are to abstain or vote for Gephardt.
It's a lose-lose situation."
(AP, 1/5/97)

Isn't that sad?

You know, when you're a Pro-Bowl receiver in the NFL,
the pattern you hate to run is "crossing over the middle,"
because of the jarring hits and the resulting dain bramage.

Largeant was a very brave receiver.

On a serious note, I'm involved in a fund-raiser to help
my church get a new roof. If you enjoy RL-LNW, and would
like to contribute money towards this worthy cause,
please e-mail me with your Visa, Mastercard or Discover
account numbers. Of course, this is tax deductible,
so even you rich Republican sheep should contribute.

Please send the information quickly, as the widows and
orphans are cold and getting wet from the leaky roof.
It's hard to worship when your ass is colder than
Snoot's heart at an orphanage.

God Bless you.

Paul Harvey announced he's become a member of
the Horse Breeders Club of America.

Best Wishes to Paul,
Our condolences to the horses.

RL-LNW has a friend who works at a DC video store.
Clarence Thomas was a busy little beaver over the holidays.

He rented 14 movies, but due to the racy titles, we can't
mention four of them. So, here are the Top Ten Movies
Clarence Thomas rented that we can print:

10. Hot Buttered Elves

9. Santa's Magic Lap

8. Babes in Boyland

7. Crisco Kringle

6. Yes... Yes... Oh God YES, Virginia...

5. Santa Gets Sleighed!

4. Not-So-Tiny Tim

3. Round the World with Mrs. Clause

2. The Nutcracker Swede

..and his number one Christmas movie rental...

1. I'm Not Rudolph, and That's Not Eggnog!

(Why do you think they call him "Slappy?"

Bobby Bowden's Florida Seminoles just lost the college
football championship to Steve Spurrier's Gators.

Did he blame the referees?

Did he accuse Spurrier of cheating?

Did he blame the weather?

Did he whine about the bias of the sports writers?

Did he accuse "outside influences" for defeating him?

Did he accuse the Gators of accepting illegal Asian money?

Did he blame the media?

No, he didn't.

He took defeat like a man, and congratulated his
opponent and vowed to do better next year.

You know why he didn't throw a childish tantrum?

Because he's not Bob Dornan.

Great Republican Quotes

"Now that the election is over, maybe we should go a little
easier on Bill Clinton. It's not easy being the president
of the United States and Canada."

--Dan Quayle

Is it possible to demonize Snoot Gingrich?



From: "David P. Kachel" 

Subject: RL-LNW

I was just wondering if you really listen to him, or if
you intentionaly distort and lie. I greatly enjoy diverse
opinion, but lies and name calling don't do anything
to disuade opinion.

Almost dissuaded,

David Kachel

Great Rush Quotes

"I don't bash Bill Clinton."

--Dash, Dec 18, 1996

I, for one, feel that the last week or ten days have been
very peaceful, celebrative and joyous. There's a feeling
of harmony in the air we haven't felt in YEARS!

You see, Snoot has a big steel muzzle over his mouth.
The Ethics Committee put it there.


Who says the federal government never did any good?

One Who Got Away..

I ran into this guy on a #politics chat line while
trying to find a sheep to debate:

Being in the undisputed party of wimps, it is unbelievable
that you haven't had your head handed to you in a debate
more than a few times.

Presumably, you do a better job of making the case for
Liberalism than your compatriots here do, but then, these
guys get toasted by 15 year old conservatives regularly.

Pick an issue and I'm confident that if we disagree,
I can make the better argument.

(Ed. Damn, I thought I'd found a conservative willing to debate,
but he "lost" his connection. I shall continue "trolling"
for a conservative who can defend themselves.)

In another very confusing moment, Bob Dole announce he
was appointing Eric Williams as his new Campaign Manager.

Can't somebody help him?

Senator Don Nichols (R-Bonehead, Oklahoma) is one of the
Senate's most anti-gay members.



Yet Don Nichols has a gay Chief of Staff.
He's not only gay, he has two kids.

Is this a family-values issue?
If he doesn't love his kid's mother,
what kind of environment do the kids have?

Dr. Laura would NOT approve.

I punched in "BartCop" on Alta-Vista's search engine,
and found a few links to the RL-LNW homepage.

Most links were positive. We have some friends at the
Department of Biological Science at Bowling Green and
Drake University is a veritable hotbed of BartCop-ism,
but one link had a less-than-positive critique.

the review was as follows:

BartCop - A collection of badly-written liberal "news"
articles (or whatever) aimed at anyone of a different opinion.
There are lots of references to Nazis and Rush Limbaugh,
which is standard fare on a liberal webpage.

Very predictable.

The reading level of this site is around the 4th grade
(much like USA Today), so you 3rd-graders who can't read
are just out of luck on this one.

Ed. That's it?
No mention of the humor?

I invited this "critic" to a duel.
Let's hope he has the balls to accept,
and let's pray he's sharper than G. Gordon Liddy.

Has anyone seen anything about Clarence suing the RNC?
I saw something in a legal magazine about it.

If Slappy's suing the RNC, I want to know why!
If you see something, contact RL-LNW immediately!

We'll stay on this.

BartCop vs. G. Gordon Liddy will continue next issue.



To the nigger-loving faggit,

I saw your hate page on the web and you are fucked.
Rush is God and Mr. Newt is Americas saviur.
Your probably a queer sucker just like our
queer-in-cheef Billyfag Klinton whose ruining America.

Your getting a surprise from me in the mail as soon as I
get done connecting this last wire to the detonating ca..


A woman named Linda Dill wrote to the local newspaper.
She said "President Clinton claims he prays, but yet he
believes in abortion. And our nation needs prayer,
we don't need homosexuality shoved down our throats."

Why is it, that EVERY TIME a Republican brings up
the subject of gay rights, they always use
"shoved down our throats" as their metaphor?

This happens again and again.
If you've heard this debate, it ALWAYS comes up.
Dr. Freud, call your office.

You never hear "gun laws shoved down out throats."

You never hear "school prayer shoved down our throats."

You never hear "Liberalism shoved down our throats."

Yet, with gays, it's always a throat-shoving metaphor.

Is this a coincidence?

Or is Ralph Reed using subliminal messages?

December 27, 1996

"God Will Hold You To Account, Mr. President."

On Christmas Eve, the religi-nut signed below invited
friends to a service at Washington's National Cathedral,
which was also attended by the President and his family.

(So far, no lies or distortions.)

Several people offered the President Christmas greetings,
concerned for his spiritual well-being,

(Objection! - Self-serving, irrelevant, and not
pertaining to the facts in evidence.)

Reverend Schenck, a rogue religio-terrorist, had a gift
that was eight well-chosen words.
In a scriptural admonition referring to...

(How do you know this?)

..the President's veto of the partial-birth abortion ban,

(OBJECTION!! There's NO SUCH THING as partial-birth abortion!
The Coathanger Coalition made that shit UP!!!
Why do they continue to repeat this lie?

..he said quietly and respectfully:

(Oh, Please! Was there a smile with a cherry on top, too?)

"God will hold you to account, Mr. President," he said.

(So, we have ANOTHER wacko speaking for Jesus?
Clinton is lucky this wasn't Jon Salvi.)

The President appeared shocked at hearing this truth...

Have you ever heard such a biased, slanted story in your life?
Well.... if you've ever heard Limba you have.)

...and activated his "eager" Secret Service.

(Excuse me, how did he do this?
Did he press the button on his signal-watch like Jimmy Olsen?
The Secret Service doesn't wait for the President to request
action. If they did, Butch would've started his crime-spree
back in 1981, if you get my drift. The SS moves when they see
a POTENTIAL threat. Next to a stalwart McVeigh-Republican,
a religi-nutcase is every president's biggest threat.

The Reverend was accosted..

(Define "accosted."
Was he questioned? Was he led to an adjoining area
where the SS could control the situation?)

..and prevented from leaving the Cathedral.

(Well, at least the SS did their jobs.
You'd prefer the men who escorted Lee Harvey Oswald to
his death be in charge of choreography?

One Secret Service agent reached inside his jacket,
pulled out his wallet and started rifling through it

("Rifled?" As opposed to "looked into?")

..which left the religi-nut wondering if he was in Bejing.

(Have you always had this much trouble with Geography?)

The SS observes no boundaries when guarding the President.

(So, you prefer the Abe Lincoln "hands-off" approach?)

After services, the Reverend's Drivers License had not yet been
returned, and eight SS guys blocked the sidewalk in a tactic
your editor had not seen since a 1981 visit to Moscow.

(The SS blocked the sidewalk for the President?
And you think that's unusual?
Have you ever seen a president before?)

This was neither Beijing nor Moscow but Washington.

(Congratulations. You're in the right hemisphere, dillhole!)

These actions were those of a paranoid regime...

(Protecting the president demonstrates paranoia?) an advanced stage of terminal decay,

OBJECTION!! Too goddamn stupid to be funny.

..reminiscent of the final days of the Soviet Union.

(Horseshit! Reagan and Butch had LOADS of security.
Add to that, Tim McVeigh and the Coathanger Coalition
are ALLIES of the Republicans, thus no threat!!)

If the President feels threatened by God's word...

(OBJECTION!! Can't you write ONE sentence grounded in fact?
What if I said "Dole wore his blue shirt, because he felt
threatened by Mother Theresa's agressiveness?"
See how stupid you sound?) is not because his life is under threat...

(Oh, YOU decided the religi-nutcases aren't a threat?)

..but because his Eternal Life is under threat,

(Here we go, more speaking for God??????
Hey, ask God what the Super Bowl score will be.
I'll split the cash with my church.)

..and that is beyond the jurisdiction of the Secret Service.

(How stupid - no reply necessary.)

The White House refused to acknowledge these events,

(More crap! If Clinton said a word, sheep would say
"Driven by guilt, Clinton tried to save his soul by
scrambling to call an impromptu press conference
where he looked nervous and guilty.
Whoever wrote this shit owes Rush a royalty.)

Would they say planting three rows of black people
immediately behind the President was a coincidence?

(What?? Black folks in DC?
Are you kidding me?
You may be onto something here!
Where'd they find them?
I'll bet they were bussed in from Virginia!)

President Clinton is a showman who lacks substance.

(Your "mountain of evidence" would fit in Molinari's bra.)

These events witnessed with our own eyes support that
theory and also illustrate "his ruthlessness."

(Ruthless? Allowing blacks near him?)

If this was his reaction to a scripture...

(Another leap! How'd you do in Atlanta this year?)

Can one imagine what he does to someone who threatens his
political or physical life?

(Let me guess!
He lets Hillary murder them?)

The Reverend was right: God will hold Bill Clinton to account.

(Assuming that's true, (cough) what business is it of yours?
If God has a mean streak,
and is bent on vengeance,
and wants Clinton punished,
He can do it without the help of self-righteous, pious,
piddley-ass sidewinder-loser who can't realize that
the election is fucking OVER!)


Steve Lyers,

A funny thing happened at the Supreme Court.
Sandra Day O'Conner was the first to notice.
She saw Clarence Thomas sneeze violently,
then reach under his robe with a paper towel.

This happened again and again.
Another sneeze, then under his robe with a paper towel.

Finally, curiosity got the best of Judge O'Conner.

"Stymie, what the hell are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm not sure why, but everytime I sneeze,
I have a whopper of an orgasm," he told her.

"Are you taking anything for it?" she asked.

Slappy replied, "You mean, besides pepper?"

Other Issues: [Index] - [Prev] - [Next] - [First] - [Last] - [Discussion Area]

Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!

Rush Limbaugh Sucks Web Ring
Prev5 * Prev * Next * Next5 * Random * List

Discussion AreaFeedBackSystem MapHome Page

People before Lawyers


Privacy Policy
. .