Don't get me started on religion...
Don't get me started.
Republican Mail Bag
Our First Death Threat-
Subject: let me tell you something
your better of dead,
(This gentleman is trying to say: "You're better off dead."
but knuckle-draggers can't handle English very well!
There's hope: he capitalized "punk.")
No place for you and your punk-ass point of view
you fucking white trash,
you belong in the last century you fucker....
Our Second Death Threat-
(classy addy, eh?)
Subject: YOUR GONNA' DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!
(You know, believe it or not, your Ediotr has a dark side.
My dark side wants to verbally dismember these dorks, but I'm
in line to be President Gore's Secretary of State, so I can't be
beating up troglodytes on the Internet, (like they would
understand a verbal rebuttal to their cacophony of grunts.)
In a battle of words, they are unarmed.
I might use my keyboard to injure a knuckledragger, someday.
It won't be pretty, but it'll be highly-goddamn entertaining.
(Our third death threat
Is April "Kill a Liberal Month?")
Subject: kill the klan
you come to our country
and we'll surely have you for breakfast
- you sick white monkeys.
(I give up.
Is this guy pro-KKK or anti-KKK?
The "sick, white monkeys" that come to "his country?"
Perhaps he's Native American?
And, if we're white, he's going to eat me?
If anyone has a clue, contact RL-LNW.)
Let's hear it for George Butch.
George Butch is a man of honor and integrity.
He told CBS News that he was reluctant to criticize Clinton.
Isn't that big-hearted of former President Butch?
He's a class act, that Butch.
But I got to thinking...
What COULD Butch criticize about the Clinton record?
- The enemic economy Clinton inherited from Butch has been pumping
so hot that Greenspan has increased interest rates AGAIN because
things are going TOO well.
So, I don't think Butch could whine about Clintonomics.
Could Butch criticize Clinton's foreign policy?
- Fewer American soldiers have died under Clinton than Butch,
fewer than Reagan, fewer than Carter,
tens of thousands fewer than Nixon or Johnson,
fewer than Kennedy, 48,000 fewer than Eisenhower..
So, I don't think Butch should whine about foreign policy.
Could Butch criticize Clinton for selling arms to terrorists?
No, only a traitorous bastard would do that,
then lie about it, LIVE on American television,
then order his staff to refuse to testify before Congress,
then order his staff to stonewall and perjure themselves,
then pardon the guilty people just before the trial,
hiding the truth from America forever...
So, I don't think Butch should whine about Clinton's integrity.
Could Butch criticize Clinton for bungling a diplomatic/military
situation soooo badly, that he was forced to have 550,000 Americans
march towards Saddam's chemical weapons in the desert?
Only a Quayle-choosing, Slappy-choosing super-bungler like
George Herbert Traitor Butch would do that.
Then, Butch swore he NEVER sold access to the White House,
even after RL-LNW printed a letter by Sen. Don Nickles (R-Bonehead)
offering access to President Butch if the mark had $10,000.
In a way, it's kind of funny...
Butch is a lying, bungling, pardoning, hostage-delaying coward
and terrorist-enabler, and YET, with all that, Butch was the
conscience of the Reagan Administration.
AS you know,
We don't do a lot of music reviews here at RL-LNW, because shining
the light on truth takes precedent over pleasures of the flesh.
But the BIG boys in the music biz were looking for the new U2 CD to
bring people into record stores, jump-starting a stagnant industry,
as Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and others have done in the past.
Reviews of U2's "Pop" have been generally bad, including Internet
"fan mail" that says "It's good, but it takes a lot of listens."
I'm no expert, but I'm really old and have heard allll the bands
for allll these years, and I've seen U2 a gaggle of times,
and I must say this new U2 record just blows me away.
I heard lots of anti-hype about it's "commercialism," and it's
"Wal-Mart" lyrics, so I expected the worst.
This CD has 3 monster songs, 3 great ones and 3 really good ones,
and some slow tunes that are probably good if you're not hooked up
to a sugar IV. I really, really liked it from the first listen,
(which is maybe why they call it "Pop.")
But then again, I listened to this CD while receiving dittohead
from a Republican crack-whore, so who knows?
If the song "MoFo" doesn't excite you, see a doctor.
Don'y buy this CD because I said it was good.
Buy it if you think U2 was ever a great band.
They're better than they were.
Midnight POP Quiz on BartCop
Interviewer: BARTCOP! BARTCOP! Wake up!!
BartCop: Eh? What the fuck...
Interviewer: BartCop, name two Senators from Texas.
BartCop: If you were real - you'd be dead.
I shoot motherfuckers who wake me up.
Interviewer: This is for your newsletter.
A PoP Quiz!
Your producer at ctyme.com sent me here.
C'mon, it's ctyme-showtime!
BartCop: Marc did this to me?
...I'll visit him later.
Interviewer: So, name two Texas Senators and I'll leave.
BartCop: Well, there's Kay Bailey Hutchifelon...
Interviewer: Yes... and...???
BartCop: ...and there's... Uhmmm, ..who IS he...?
Interviewer: I need an answer.
BartCop: No, you need a bullet or two in your sorry ass.
...but I'm thinking...
I think you're being a little unfair.
I drank a little Jose Gold last night,
and this IS a pretty tough question.
Interviewer: Just tell me the name of the other Texas Senator.
BartCop: ...damn.. I can't remember who it is!
I'll apply logic to the problem and solve it.
It's Texas... so he's gotta be a Republican.
Interviewer: So what's the Senator's name?
BartCop: I USED to know, I swear to Koresh!
I'm pretty good with names, but that other Texas
Senator hasn't been heard from in a while.
Wasn't his nickname "Mr. Two-Percent?"
How are people supposed to remember his name if he
disappears after America rejects his sorry ass?
Interviewer: So what's his name?
BartCop: Koresh help me, I can't remember!
He's a short, squinty-eyed fatboy who never spent
a single day NOT sucking on the government teat.
Plus, I remember he's really, really stupid.
He's so goddamn stupid, he was forced to admit
his stupidity at EVERY CAMPAIGN STOP!!!!
He said something like:
"A'hmm so goddamn stoopid, I flunked the first, second,
third, fourth and fifth garaaaayyds."
Interviewer: So, what's his name?
BartCop: It's eating at my BRAIN!
A little, porky, bald bastard who always wanted to
know what Dickey Flatt thought about Bosnia.
Who the fuck is Dickie Flatt?
Is he from Bosnia?
Interviewer: Last chance...
BartCop: You win. I give up.
He's probably a cracker anyway.
It was NOT Bill Clinton's finest moment:
"We must do our best to figure out what motivated those
Hale-Bopp cultists to commit suicide."
Bill... Bill... my old friend.
I have a thunderbolt for you:
It was RELIGION that made those people go crazy!
Oh, sure, we can laugh at them and say OUR religion is good,
and they just had a "bad" religion.
We could do that.
But the truth is, if you were ANY kind of dedicated follower,
and YOUR leader said it was time to commit suicide, you'd do it
or you'd have to admit you weren't serious about your religion.
Are YOU serious about YOUR religion?
Remember the Bible?
God told Abraham to slay his only son on the altar with his OJ knife.
Abraham, obeying like a ditto-sheep, said "Sure thing, God,"
and prepared to murder his only son in the name of religion.
In a rare moment of compassion, God let him off the hook.
He grabbed Abe's arm just in time.
Whoever said God doen't have a sense of humor must be crazy!
The ONLY reason this wacky story is included in YOUR bible is
if someday YOUR religious leader asks you to murder your kids,
there will be Biblical precedent to compel you to obey.
What ELSE could be the moral of that wild story?
Would you murder your kids for your religion?
BartCop's position on child murder is a consistent "NO."
If some deity told me to murder my kids, I'd say "Bite me."
But why face facts?
Facts are for the non-religious.
We'll all feel better if we just laugh at the Cometeers
and proclaim their religion a "bogus" religion.
I feel better already.
"Oh, how STUPID those Comet-people were," the established religions
say, even though they died HEROES in the eyes of the Catholic Church.
Catholicism says that IF you follow your faith, diligently, you'll be
welcomed in Heaven, regardless! Even if your religion is a "gutter"
religion, you're IN because you played by your religion's rules.
Most religions aren't as progressive as the Catholics.
(Huh? Did I say That?)
If life after death is as blissful as religious leaders claim,
why should we ridicule the "Sooners."
Why not go there as soon as possible?
Besides, how do you define a "cult?"
Is Catholicism a cult?
I know you Easterners wonder why I equate snake-handling to major
big-city religions. Here in Oklahoma, the land of Tim McVeigh,
Jim Inhofe, the Jesus Twins (Steve Largent and Tom Coburn)
plus Big-government-dictates-your-religion Rep Ernest Istook,
we have a cornucopia of reasons why goat-throat-slitters
should NOT be allowed to write public policy.
Is a cult merely a religion with less than 50 members?
If so, David Koresh had a legitimate religion, right?
Vern had 87 followers. Sounds legit to me.
My religio-wacko buddies say "Oh, knock it off," when I ask
these questions, but that's because they CANNOT answer
very simple questions such as:
"What's the difference between a religion and a cult?"
You know why?
Because any answer will trap them.
One definition of a religion is a group that YOUR government
agrees to recognize. But if your government is Ayatollah Rafsanjani,
Catholics and Baptists and Methodists are "the wacko-cultists!"
Show me where I'm wrong.
Show me now.
Don't misunderstand my position.
I don't hate religion.
But all versions of insanity should be kept away from schools
and courthouses. The people who DEMAND that America follow
a certain religion, like the GOP and the dolts at the
Coathanger Coalition, should be watched closely.
I would fight for, (but not die for) your right to worship the
number 7 or a four-leaf clover or Hale-Bopp or a white buffalo
or whatever. I think weak people NEED a rabbit's foot
when they're faced with a situation they can't handle.
This is important!
NOBODY wants to take your rabbit's foot from you!
I need no such rabbit's foot, but I realize everyone doesn't have
my grasp on things. If you need to step OVER the sidewalk crack
to avoid "breaking your mother's back," I might ridicule your
insanity in an issue of RL-LNW, but I wouldn't call for legislation
that said all superstitious simpletons should be jailed.
See how religio-friendly I am?
...I'm thinking about starting my own religious cult.
Rule Number 1: We have more arms than a Chernobyl octopus,
to cover us with the NRA when the shit hits the fan.
Rule Number 2: All wives and daughters are sex-slaves to BartCop.
Don't even THINK about joining if you don't like Rule #2.
Rule Number 3: All males except your leader will be castrated.
Where's your faith?
If you're sometimes-religious, we can't USE you.
Rule Number 4: You must turn over all your worldly possessions,
real estate, jewelry, stocks, bonds, cash, furs,
gold, rental property, etc. etc.
Oh, I'm sorry, those aren't MY rules.
Those are Oral Robert's rules.
..I'm not sure about all the other rules, but as long as the men
castrate themselves and give me their wives and daughters,
we'll find a way PAST the stocks and bonds.
I swear, I should run for office.
Back to religious insanity:
In Oklahoma, the Baptists say it's a fucking SIN to dance.
Are you reading this, America?
Are you reading this, World?
In Oklahoma, the Baptists say it's a sin to play cards!!!
In Granny plays Canasta, she might have to do hard time.
Do we want these people writing laws?
Oklahoma is the snake-handling capitol of the world.
(Sorry, Tennessee! You're number two.)
If you want YOUR child to handle rattlesnakes, AS A MATTER OF LAW,
then by all means, vote for the Republican Party!!
Let's let ALL local office-holders choose a "true" religion,
and then use the government to ENFORCE that "true" religion.
Welcome to Ralph Reed's America!
Back to the Cometeers...
I'm watching Politically Incorrect, and they're saying those
people fell for that "Comet crap" because they were WEAK!
Weak is looking for an invisible being to guide you?
Weak is saying "I can't MAKE it on my own?"
Weak is letting Ralph Reed define your values?
Sounds like half of America.
Weak is being unable to explain to BartCop why he's wrong.
If you can't defend yourself, maybe I should drive.
Those Comet-wackos are like ALL religions.
Those people thought they were taking the next step to Heaven.
If YOUR preacher/priest/minister said riding Hale-Bopp was
THE way to get to Heaven, would you join in?
Where's your faith?
You claim to know more than your Falwell/Reed/Swaggert?
Please, somebody challenge me on this!
If Ralph Reed asked you to die for him, would you?
How is your religion different than the Comet-wackos?
The very definition of faith is the belief in something that
nobody in their right mind would believe in, so who are YOU
to decide the Cometeers had a "bad" religion?
This is what religion DOES for you!
Look at Ireland, Iran, the Middle East,
look at Bosnia, Sri Lanka, look any fucking-where,
look around the world and TELL me religion isn't the problem.
You can pretend that the Cometeers were just "cultists."
Watching Nightline 3/27, the Comet Kids, on videotape, explained
that they were in training, like on Star Trek's Holodeck, for the
next level, which makes sense if you're religious.
You CAN'T fault their logic.
Will the virgin-birth crowd say the Cometeers weren't logical?
We all know the real truth:
They were intensely committed to the principles of their faith.
They were ready to die to reach the next level of their faith,
which is what ANY Christian wants to do, right?
Don't YOU want to go to Heaven?
I think these Hale-Bopp kids are going to cause a LOT of people
to ask themselves "What price bullshit?"
It's time for each of you to ask yourself the BIG question:
Would you die/murder for YOUR religion?
I couldn't, could you?
I think those Comet people are MORE religious than most.
If YOU are a religious person, you MUST salute the Comet Kids.
They gave their lives to touch God.
Do YOU have the faith to do that?
Abraham was a friend of mine - and you're no Abraham.
Hale-Bopp was their taxi.
When the taxi honks, you get in the son-of-a-bitch.
That's how it works, if your faith has meaning.
Wouldn't it be ironic if BartCop understands the REAL meaning
of religion, and religious ditto-sheep don't have a clue?
RL-LNW has about 300 subscibers.
I wonder if 5% of those subscribers have that much faith.
I wonder if 15 of the 300 would have the religious courage
to follow their leader onto the Comet to go meet God.
When we're all in Heaven, I'll tease you about it.
I know I won't get any dittoes on this, because many people
who CLAIM to be religious, aren't.
They're afraid to stand up and say "The Cometeers were right!"
It's the same principle as prayer-in-school.
Either the chicken-strangler AND the snake-handler get a chance
at directing today's prayer, or NOBODY gets a prayer.
The Cometeers were right.
More Republican Mail
Subject: Your hate page
BartCop, I am in high school in Tupelo "fucking" Mississippi.
Please stick to facts that people might find useful instead of
feeding me a line of bullshit about how your life sucks.
Reading this was a complete waste of time
and your title is very misleading.
(Dear Fuck you,
Do you get beat up a lot?
I don't remember saying my life sucks.
Nobody has more fun than BartCop.
Tell me, how were you forced to read my newsletter?
Truth is, I wouldn't trade my life for anybody's.
Well...maybe that drummer boy for Motley Crue.
He was married to Heather Locklear and traded UP!)
Subject: I read your trash
(This is the first correctly-spelled Republican mail
we've received after 14 months and 90 Issues.
The right is making progress!
One day, they may be our equals...
Subject: (No Subject)
Communist Pinko Queer Racist Socialistic
Ignorant Liar Immoral Democratic DooFus
(Put it all together, and it spells CPQRSILIDD!)
Great GOP Quotes
"I would like to have some evidence - one smoking gun
before we proceed with impeachment."
-- Henry Hyde, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee.
Yes, Henry, evidence lends credibility when filing charges.
That's why you haven't filed any charges yet, you fuck,
because there's never been any evidence.
Why do you think everyone's laughing at you?
Subject: Your site...
It's idots like you that (he means "who")
make normal people like me feel pretty smart.
I pitty your children.
"Not living a pipe dream" in CA.
(So, we have an idot who has "pitty" for my non-existent kids.
How sweet - a couple sitting down to share an evening reading
RL-LNW Humor Magazine, then collaborating on some flame mail.
Thanks for making RL-LNW a priority in your life.
Who said romance was dead?)
Poker at Mushy's
Rush: Any change?
Buchanan: No change - he just sits there and drools.
Helms: He drools more than I do...
Rush: Is he responsive at all?
Buchanan: Well, he just says "Indian," but we don't know if
"Indian" means "yes" or "no." We have to learn more.
Rush: That's all he can say?
Helms: The doctor said his brain was damaged.
The doctor says he's got the brain of Tori Spelling.
Rush: How badly was he hurt?
Buchanan: Well, his brain was without blood for ten minutes.
Quayle: I've had that.
Helms: They drilled holes in his brain to let it swell.
Quayle: I've had that.
Rush: So, what's the bottom line?
Helms: People with those injuries often lose their mind.
Rush: So, what do we do about Ralph Reed?
Should we report this to the police?
Quayle: Nooooo! I'm a-scared.
What if Mister Reed finds out?
Rush: But it's bound to come out. The doctors say D'Amato has
the brain of Senator Jim Inhofe. (R-Bonehead)
People will notice.
Buchanan: I'm serious. When D'Amato draws a blank on the floor
of the Senate, nobody notices a thing.
Rush: Screw him, then.
Blood under the bridge.
Let's play poker.
Quayle: He talked!
Slappy: Danny, you're smarter than D'Amato right now.
Helms: Hey, Stymie, how about a song?
Slappy: Excuse me?
Helms: How 'bout you singing "Mammy" for us?
Slappy: Hey, Fuck You, Helms, you racist prick!
Helms: Ooooooh... Look at Quota-boy, getting his back up!
Slappy: Who you calling Quota-boy?
Helms: I'm calling YOU that, shit-for-brains.
You mean you think you got that appointment because
you were qualified for the job?
Slappy: This is a hi-tech lynching.
Helms: Hi-tech lynching? I said you had shit-for-brains.
How is that hi-tech?
Rush: We need to relieve the tension in this room.
Quayle: I got a joke! I got a joke!!
Rush: Danny, your jokes always blow donkey.
Quayle: I'll have you know I toured the comedy circuit.
Rush: And you bombed out because your jokes aren't funny.
Quayle: This one is! This one is!
Buchanan: Let's give him another chance.
Quayle: OK, OK, ready?
Are you ready for my funny joke?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Rush: TELL us the goddamn joke.
Quayle: What joke?
Rush: You moron, the joke you claim is funny!
Quayle: Oh, THAT one, OK.
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?
Slappy: We give up.
Your jokes are always terrible.
Slappy: I ain't cleaning this up.
Rush: Someone's at the door.
D'Amato: Indian!!!! .....Indian!!!!
Rush: Calm down, Fonz.
He's afraid it's the Jesus Twins and Ralph Reed,
back to beat his fucking brains in again.
It's OK, it's just B-1 Bob.
C'Mon in, B-1.
Dornan: Goddammit, I'm so fucking mad I could shit.
Buchanan: I heard that about you.
What's with the parrot on your shoulder?
Dornan: That's why I'm so PISSED!
Slappy: You're pissed about a parrot on your shoulder?
Dornan: It's crazy - You won't believe it...
Go ahead - ask the parrot a question about politics.
Dornan: Ask the goddamn parrot a question about politics.
Rush: A question about politics?
Dornan: Yes, anything about politics.
Helms: I have a question for the parrot.
Will Dan Quayle run for President in the year 2000?
Parrot: AwwwwwkkK! Quayle's a fucking moron - AwwwwwkkK!
Rush: B-1, your parrot hates Spudboy? ..I..I mean Quayle?
Why does he say that?
Dornan: I'll be go-to-fucking-hell if I know.
Slappy: Prettyboy, Prettyboy - I have a question:
Will a black man ever be president of America?
Parrot: AwwwwwkkK! Stupid nigger, dumb nigger. AwwwwwkK!
Rush: Bob - you've got a problem, here. It's one thing
to say that Dan Quayle's a fucking moron...
Rush: But you can't have a parrot that uses the "N" word.
Dornan: It's not my fault. I just bought this parrot.
The former owner said the parrot was a non-stop party!
He said the parrot was the "perfect companion."
Buchanan: You just bought it, B-1?
Who sold you that parrot?
Dornan: Why, I got it from Rep. Armey.
Rush: Dick, the Foul-Mouthed Texan?
He's farther to the right than Senator Helms, here.
Helms: I'll have to agree. Helms is so far right,
at the IHOP he eats nothing but Luftwaffles.
Rush: B-1, I think I should be frank with you...
Parrot: AwwwwwkkK! Barney Frank, stupid fag, Barney fag.
Buchanan: B-1, ....you may want to have that parrot for dinner.
Dornan: Eat the parrot? That's not fair.
It's not the parrot's fault.
He....he came from a bad home!
Dornan: The parrot only did what came naturally to him,
because of the factors of his environment.
It's not his fault!
Slappy: How is the parrot with your wife and other women?
Parrot: AwwkkK! Women bitch, stupid bitch... AawwwwkK!
Dornan: ...not very well... You have a point, Rush.
Parrot: AwwwkkK! Lying, Nazi Whore! Nazi Whore! AwwwkkK!
Rush: That's one dead bird.
Helms: That racist parrot has to be executed.
Slappy: That sounds funny, coming from YOU, Caveman.
Helms: Huh? You want some of me, boy?
Slappy: Who you calling "Boy," Grandpa?
Helms: Who YOU calling "Grandpa," boy?
Dornan: Can we get back to the parrot?
What should I do?
He's a cute and colorful son-of-a-bitch.
..and it's not his fault!
Rush: Bob, look at your situation:
You bought a parrot from Dick, the Foul-Mouthed Texan.
If a reporter hears that bird talk, the Republican Party
could undergo great harm.
Rush: Shut up, Quayle. We don't need to hear from a moron.
Parrot: AwwwwkkK! Quayle's a fucking moron! Quayle's a moron.
Quayle: I oughta kill that damn parrot.
Slappy: You up for a big fight like that?
Quayle: Oh, listen to Quotaboy... the "qualfied negro.."
Slappy: I'm smart enough to spell potato, white bread...
Quayle: I may be dumber than spoiled meat, but you never saw me
in a bright red dress and a yellow sombrero with
dingleballs hanging from it, Clarence!
Parrot: AwwkkK! Dumb nigger, dumb nigger. AwwwwkkK!
Slappy: I agree with the moron.
That bird must die!
Dornan: It's not the bird's fault!
Dick the Foul-Mouthed Texan is to blame!
Rush: B-1, you sound like a liberal.
Parrot: AwwwkkK! Liberal devils, destroy, destroy. AwwwwkkK!
Dornan: The parrot's crime is learning what he was taught?
How can it be the parrot's fault?
Buchanan: As arguments go, that's VERY poor.
Parrot: AwwwkkK! Fuck the poor! Fuck the poor! AwwkkK!
Rush: That's it. The bird's gotta go.
We're in enough trouble with women and minorities...
Dornan: I'm the only military man in this goddamn room!!!
All you other faggots were too yellow to fight!!!
...and you call yourselves Republicans?
Parrot: AwwwkkK! Cowardly Yellow Republicans, AaaaakkK!
. . .
Odd, Echo-Voice: "~~~stop fighting~~" "~~stop fighting~~"
. . .
Slappy: Danny, you're...
Quayle: What the....
D'Amato: Indian!! Indian!!
Odd, Echo-Voice: "~~~stop fighting~~" "~~stop fighting~~"
Buchanan: What the hell is that?
Helms: Why.. It sounds like...
What the -- .......
Praise to God and Jefferson Davis.
Odd, Echo-Voice: "~~~stop fighting~~" "~~stop fighting~~"
Rush: Is that what...
Is that WHO I think it is?
Helms: It's him.
Buchanan: Is it...
Is it.... ... you, Sir?
Nixon: "~~~Yes~~It's me~~~"
Rush: Raise my taxes!
Raise 'em as fucking high as you want.
Buchanan: But...but... I..
Quayle: First time I ever saw Buchanan speechless.
Slappy: Spudboy, do you even know who that is?
Quayle: Sure, it's Richard Nixon.
Parrot: AwwwkkK! Trickey Dick, crooked Dick AwwwkkkK!
Slappy: Nixon's dead, moron.
OH! OH! OH!
Buchanan: Sir, how.. wha.. why are you here?
Nixon: We've got work to do for 2000.
Next issue: Rush hyp-MO-tizes the Parrot!
Other Issues: [Index]
- [Discussion Area]
Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!