Great GOP Quotes
"If you don't have a boiled egg in 3 minutes,
you can't make an omelet."
-- Snoot Gingrich - trying to prove Dan Quayle doesn't
have a strangehold on the title "Biggest Dork."
If it's the day they crucified and murdered Jesus Christ,
why is it called it "Good Friday?"
not making fun,
..just asking
Remember this guy?
I sent him a "Thank You" for his flame mail.
MAILBAG
From: arich@rex.imperium.net
Subject: Re: Thanks for contributing to RL-LNW
Obviously you did not read my contribution if you think I
would appreciate this e-mail.
Do you really understand anything that you pontificate upon?
(Pontificate?
I was raised Catholic,
...so maybe)
Can Tim McVeigh get a fair trial with a liberal on the jury?
This just in - from Dan Quayle's Think Tanke.
Trying to appear normal, Dan Quayle's office has been
releasing funny, real anecdotes from the former VP's past.
Four months into their marriage, back in the early seventies,
Dan and his new bride went on the Newlywed Game Show.
It was a very exciting show, and the Dan Quayle's were in
second place with a chance to win the washer-dryer if Danny
got the correct answer to the super-bonus question.
The last question asked, when Danny was off-stage with the
other men in the sound-proof cone of silence was:
Where is the strangest place you've made love to your wife?
Marilyn had already written "the Guest House" on her card.
It was a famous episode in Quayle family history, because
Danny started a big fire with the candles he lit for their
very special love-making session the night of their wedding.
Isn't he sweet?
Marilyn KNEW he'd get this one right.
Even an idiot would remember a big 3-Alarm fire!
So, Bob Eubanks had the men rejoin their wives onstage for the
final bonus question that would surely win them the washer-dryer.
"Here we go," Bob Eubanks said, "For the washer-dryer, Danny,
where is the strangest place you've made love to your wife?"
Danny scratched his head, thought for a second and said,
"I guess ...in the butt."
Riiiiinnnnngggg!!!
Mad Max: Mad Max's Porno Palace. Can I help you?
Slappy: I have a question.
Mad Max: .....
Mad Max: .....and....????
Slappy: Oh, you want me to ask my question now?
Mad Max: When would be a better time?
Slappy: How about three weeks from Friday?
Mad Max: Slappy, is that you?
Slappy: How did you know it was me?
Mad Max: Duh!!
You're my biggest customer, Slappy.
You're also my only black, transexual Supreme Court Judge.
Slappy: That's tranvestite!
Mad Max: Whatever.
What's your damn question?
Slappy: Umm... sometimes on the movies you rent to me, there's
a sign just before the beginning of the movie that says
"This movie has been formatted to fit your television screen."
Mad Max: Yeah, ...so?
Slappy: How do they know what size TV I got?
From: PAPAXSEVEN@OIS.LEMURIA.COM
Subject: PAPA REPLIES TO #91
Sit down and grab a doobie, I've got a shocker for you.
I agree, SOMEWHAT, with your assessment of organized religion,
(BartCop logic is INESCAPABLE.)
.as stated in RRTGAHEOGAG, or whatever you call that satirical
thing you mail out that can be found in your Bartcop LIE-brary,
read by up to 55,500,000 people worldwide.
(It's called Rush Limba - Lying, Nazi Whore)
We've got pro-life terrorists killing baby killing doctors.
Catholics and Prostestants shooting each other.
We have Moslems and Jews killing each other.
All in the name of God.
(Does Ralph Reed know you're saying this?)
These people are not true Christians, or Jews.
(You mean people who strap bombs to themselves
don't take their religion seriously enough?)
The Cometeers who CASTRATED themselves weren't serious?
How much more serious can a son-of-a-bitch GIT?)
Jesus said that not everyone who calls him Lord will enter
the kingdom of Heaven. [Luke 6:46 and Matt 7:21]
If you need a Bible, I will mail you one.
(Do you have any bibles that don't contain nudity?
Every bible I've ever seen has pictures of naked women
and naked angels and stuff. If you send me something like that,
I'll have the Clavens bust you for sending porno thru the mail.)
And just as God used Nebucaneezer
(Gazundheit!)
to bring judgement to Judah, I believe that God is using you and
others like you to bring judgement down on those self-professing
righteous folk. God said that He would judge His 'church' first.
(So, it's God and BartCop against Jerry Falwell?
That's better than having Micheal Jordan on my team!)
The true church is not some fancy building in California or Rome.
It's not a particular denomination.
(Tell that to a Catholic.
Remember the first George Carlin album?
"This is a story of two little boys.
Billy was a Catholic, ....and Buddy .......was NOT!)
It is those who profess Jesus as Lord and Savior in their lives
and who are doing the Will of God.
(What about the snake-handlers?
Are they screwed?
What was their crime?
Being born into a snake-handling family?
If YOU were born to snake-handling parents,
you'd be "Rattleboy" right now.
Can't you see that?
The "mainstream religions" would refuse to recognize you,
even though your religion was just as legitimate as theirs.
THEN, you'd be pissed off that your government stood behind
THEM and not ewe!
Is that not true ...I ask you, Papax7?)
God Bless You,
Papax7
(Wait! You haven't answered my questions!!!)
Republican Mail Bag
(Starting this issue, I will add punctuation to hate mail to make
it easier for educated people to understand their grunting.)
From: orudjei@alleg.edu
Subject: You fucking suck
You fucking suck, you dipshit.
You fucking liberal, tree-hugging, woman-following piece of shit.
Rush Limbaugh kicks ass.
Ismail
(Ha, ha.
Take a Pamprin, bitch)
I wonder if Jesus Christ is OK with the death penalty?
After all, he was a victim of it....
Great Quotes
"Give to Bill Clinton what is Clinton's
and give to Almighty God what is God's."
--Jesus Christ, endorsing Bill Clinton's 1993 tax bill
(This was written by a Republican!)
Gingrich Must Go
His value as a political leader is over. Gingrich, as Moses,
brought his party to the promised land after 40 years' wandering
in the wilderness. For that he deserves deep appreciation, but in
power he's been a disaster.
(Here, here!)
He was outfoxed by President Clinton, forced to back down on
spending, health care and the minimum wage.
(He was beaten by the champ. That's not a crime.)
First, he cuddled up to Jesse Jackson at the State of the
Union address. Then, he huddled with Alec Baldwin to save the
National Endowment for the Arts. Then, he shelved the tax cuts
once called the "crown jewel" of the Contract With America.
(Cuddling and huddling? These are crimes?)
Newt's responses to the demons that beset him are logical on a
personal level, but damaging to his party on a political level.
(Why did you elect a Speaker haunted by demons, Sparky?)
Without a strong leader,
Republicans will forget what they stand for.
(Becaaaaaaauuuuse they have no soul?)
What is to be done?
Gingrich must go.
---
The new poll is in:
OJ Simpson Approval - 26 percent
Snoot Gingrich Approval - 14 percent
The Ebola Virus Approval - 11 percent
Go, Snoot!
---
(Open Letter to the GOP.
Please, please let Snoot stay. Please?
I'm trying my very best to write a funny newsletter.
As you can tell from the constantly-slipping quality of the
writing, I'm quickly running out of ideas. I only have one
or two ideas left, so we're in big trouble at RL-LNW.
I've lost Richard Nixon, I've lost Ronald Reagan.
I've lost George Herbert Traitor Butch, and Dan Quayle.
I've lost old Bob Dole (God Rest His Soul) and if I
lose Snooty, there won't be very much more to write about.
...eh? What..?
I'm reminded by a RL-LNW staff member that I still have
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas, who has a LIFETIME appointment,
(thank you, George Butch) and I'm hoping I'll always have
El Grande Poobah Puerca Cystmeister, but is that enough?
The golden days of RL-LNW are behind us, but I'll try to
hang on until another Reagan or Quayle or Dole comes along.
Could you guys consider Jim Inhofe or one of Oklahoma's
Jesus Twins, Steve Largent or Tom Coburn for the speakership?
I'll contribute!
The Baseball Riddle
Six hits in one half-inning, yet no runs are scored.
The first two batters are out trying to stretch singles
into doubles. The hits count, but nobody's on base.
The next three batters bunt their way on.
That's five hits and the bases are loaded.
How does the next batter get a hit without scoring a run?
Hint: Louis Freeh is not involved.
The winner gets a "I Got a BJ From PJ Sweatshirt."
Great GOP Quotes
"Special Education? For most of those kids,
all they need is a disciplinarian to smack 'em
a few times when they get out of line.
-- The Dirty Whore, Radio Show March 31, 1997
God, I wish Rush was MY father.
RL-LNW Mail Bag
From: freehold@visi.net
Bartcop,
I saw Rush's Biography on A&E. They said he dodge the Vietnam draft
due to "certain health and medical reasons".
Do you know what kind of "health problems" Rush had?
I'd really like to know.
Thanks,
Watson Aname
---
Dear Watson,
The answer might sound like a BartCop gag, but it's not.
Get out a dictionary, a FAT one, fat as Limba.
Look up the word "pilar," from the Latin "pilus" meaning hair.
Rush had a giant, infected-hair cyst on his ass.
It was so big, he couldn't pull his pants over it.
They estimated it weighed 22 pounds.
It's called a "pilodinal cyst."
Rush's butt hair got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too infected.
How gross can a fat bastard get?
Soldiers call it "jeep rot" because men at war don't have
the luxury of using toilet paper in a firefight.
Bottom line? (pun intended)
Rush Limba, role-model for conserva-sheep everywhere,
didn't wash "back there" after he went number two.
How fucking gross can a fat bastard get?
Rush's ass was too goddamn dirty to fight for America.
But he really, really, really wanted to go..
..that's a true story, Kate.
From: The Staff of Penny
Subject: Re: RL-LNW Vol 91
Dear Defender of Truth:
You missed the Big One, the gosh-fuck irony of Heaven's Gate.
When everyone is eating chocolate bunnies and matzo balls,
39 believers in a cult religion go to their deaths with faith
that they are going to a Higher Level, which they believe is
at hand aboard a space ship trailing the Hale-Bopp comet.
America freaks.
Crazy beliefs, extreme measures, senseless deaths.
They went out on Thursday, right?
On Friday, Christians observe Good Friday.
Three days later, they celebrate Easter -- the day Jesus
re-animated his decomposing corpse, pushing aside a huge rock
with super-human strength to leave his tomb, appearing to a
number of people before departing for a Higher Level.
(Whoa!)
But wait -- it's also Passover.
Jews celebrate by putting lamb's blood on their doors, telling
God's Angel of Death with the OJ Knife to murder the children of
that poor, dumb, son-of-a-bitch next door because his family
uses a different "book" than we do.
Fuck 'em.
A true Christian and a true Jew believe these things.
Without belief in the Resurrection, what is Christianity all about?
We've got death, extreme belief, miracles and wonder.
But all that's ok.
Believing that you have purified your soul and are ready to progress
on your spiritual journey, and that superior beings on a higher level
have come to welcome you aboard -- that's wacky?
I suppose the difference is that if you believe in wacky crap
that's THOUSANDS of years old, you're sane.
No, wait, that can't be right.
All the Old Testament stuff is ok, but the Egyptians were wrong
when the Pharaohs died and took their household staff with them
when they ascended to the next level.
Go figure.
Maybe if we commercialized the 39 deaths with games and candy
and gifts, it would be more legitimate?
Delicate sugar space ships, candy comets and such.
Sheesh,
Penny
(I have a question: Do you think the Cometeers were crazy enough
to "drink the blood" of their leader?
What kind of crazy cult would do that?)
Guest Editorial
Newt Gingrich is running our party into the ground.
Newt Gingrich is shit and he has to go.
Fuck Newt Gingrich.
He's killing us, the rotten bastard.
Sincerely,
Bill Kristol
BartCop: Snoot, any comment?
Snoot: Bill Kristol is systematically trying to destroy me.
Everybody is.. the press, the democrats...
They're ALL trying to destroy me.
Demons -
Demons EVERYWHERE!!
We've received a lot of mail about the PBA-rant from Issue 90.
It was about the language the GOP has, for some reason (Ka-CHING!!)
INTENTIONALLY installed in the bill they CLAIM (Ka-CHING!!)
they need to stop what they like to call "partial birth abortions."
Most of the dumbshit, brain-dead, donkey-blow responses say that the
reason they (Ka-CHING!!) INTENTIONALLY include this "baby-killing"
language is because "it probably (Ka-CHING!!) wouldn't do any good"
in the fight against PBA's, because - get this - WHAT IF Clinton
and the doctors then claim ALL the surgeries are done to preserve
the fertility of the mother?
Can you imagine a more stupid excuse?
Let me offer an example:
A father of four teen-age girls hears scratching at his door at
3 AM and gets out of bed with his gun. He peeks through the blinds
and sees three masked men with knives and a crowbar working on the
lock to his back door. He tells his wife and daughters to call 911
and hide in the back of the house. He positions himself behind the
kitchen counter and aims at the front door, hoping the police
arrive before the men succeed in getting the door open.
Just then, the attackers break through and charge in.
Say the father is a Republican, and he favors INTENTIONALLY
leaving the "baby-killing" language in the PBA bill,
why should he bother to pull the trigger?
After all, it probably wouldn't do any good.
He might miss, right?
But no.
The Republican will fire EVERY TIME.
You know why?
Because when you're protecting your family,
there's no Ka-CHING!! to turn you whore.
The Republican Party should be ashamed.
Correction
In Issue 90, RL-LNW said Rush Limba was "wailing" about the
unfairness of Clinton supporters spending the night in the
Lincoln Bedroom, even though the friends of Ronald Reagan and
the friends of George Butch did the very same thing.
We meant to say Limba was "whaling."
RL-LNW regrets the error.
From: RASHARP324@aol.com
Subject: BRAINWASHED
You can't be so wrong and believe you're so right.
You must be doing this for attention. I hope you can
live with the corupt Clinton adminstruation.
P.S. you really are an ignorant loser
Sincerely,
Ray
The Sharp Guy
(a corupt adminstruation?
Is the White House Minstruating?
Yes, I think I can live with a booming economy and no war.
With Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Von Reagan and Butch, it was
recession, followed by war, recession, more war, more dead.
I, and the American voter, it seems, can do without that.
And yes, frankly, I'm doing this for attention.
I have personality disorders.
I have these tendencies that require me to draw attention
to my wrong ideas, because I'm an ignorant loser.)
America is The Greatest Country In The World
Dear Subscriber:
When we launched RL-LNW Humor Magazine in February of 1996,
we had no intention of making a profit. After all, if I charged
for my opinions, I might be called a "whore" by jealous sheep.
But, a profit has occurred.
The Democratic National Committe is giving us some grant money in
the $2600 range to conduct serious government research out West.
I assume the grant is payback for my support.
Is that legal?
When MY President calls, I answer that call!
I've been given a four-prong mission.
(You know how dangerous those four-prongers can be.)
My mission, along with the lovely Mrs. BartCop, is to:
Prong 1:
Determine the effects of alcohol and desert air while
gambling with TAX-PAYER money in the casinos of Las Vegas.
We're leaving April 19th, because I enjoy flying a commercial
jet on the anniversary of Waco and the OKC bombing.
Yep.
There's nothing like being 30,000 feet up when the religio-nuts
and white-supremists start picking at the Scabs of Waco.
We'll conduct Prong 1 at the fabulous Mirage Hotel and Casino.
Don't try to contact me, I'll be using my alias - B. Pollen.
Prong 2:
Determine the difficulty of navigating Utah's Lake Powell in a
40-foot house boat under the influence of and alcohol.
This will not be an easy task, believe you, me.
However, I am willing to help my country when called upon.
Because I was unable to serve in Vietnam because of my bad knee,
(cough)
I'm extra-willing now, whenever the President axes* me.
(*Royalty to Clarence "Slappy" Thomas.)
Pessnit Clinton has helped America a lot, so I give back.
Remember what JFK said: "Ask not..."
Prong 3:
Determine the effect of alcohol and desert air on music
while watching the opening night of U2's 1997 tour.
If you don't think a godless-liberal can have fun in Gomorrah
with YOUR tax money, well.. you don't know BartCop very well.
Remember that sheep last issue who whined about not wanting to
hear me complain about how my life "sucks?"
He was right.
Pray for me.
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!
