Volume 94 - Outside, It's America

Memo to Katie Couric:

Katie, get a haircut.
You're starting to look like a woman.

Sorry this issue is so late - I've been in jail.

What did I miss?

I was out of town last week.... doing government research.
I didn't get to hear any Rush shows.
At whom did he hurl his personal slurs?

Did any wives of former Democrats die?
Rush loves cadaver jokes.

More than food.

Repeat - Rush loves cadaver jokes more than food.

Did he call Chelsea the White House dog again?
While we're on that subject of slurring the innocent,
let me shine the BartCop Light of Truth on a Fatboy Big Lie.

He's been asked a dozen times why he called Chelsea a dog.
He denies all responsibility.

"It's not my fault," he claims.
What else can we expect from a puta-whore?

He SWEARS it was an accident... a trick, if you will.
Well, I won't.

A trick pulled on him by a un-named, "quickly-fired" staffer
from the now-defunct "Rush Limba - Ho TV."

Here's what happened:

Rush said "Everybody knows about Socks, the White House cat.
But did you know there's also a White House dog?"

...then, a picture of 12 year-old Chelsea Clinton appeared.

Is the Fat Bastard a class act or what?

As expected, his all-white crowd guffawed like giddy sheep
at Rush's mean-spirited, personal attack on an innocent child.

When he's asked about it now, he blames "that staffer."
Well, I have a question for you, Methaneboy.

If it was all a big mistake,
if you're Oh-so-innocent,

...why did you set-up the joke?

The alledged un-named staffer didn't start a story about
the dog nobody knew lived at the White House.

That was YOUR bullying, cheap-shot ass.
You set-up the joke that you now claim was a complete accident.

Why set up a joke that doesn't exist, Rush?

Slurboy, are your pants on fire?

How about a "blome" for old time's sake?

If I had a nickle for every personal slur Rush hurled
at an innocent person, I could.... I could....
pay his food bill for a couple of days.

Wired Magazine says the "Meow Mix Bar" in New York
was trying to reach Susie "Creamcheese" Moliari.

They found the wallet and chain she claims she lost...

Everybody take a breath...

If you want to be a Catholic priest or nun,
you must agree,
in writing,
to remain celibate for the rest of your life.

Do you know what celibate means?

Catholics do.

It means you're not allowed to have sex.
Never, ever.
NO sex, of any kind.


You cannot have sex with a woman, ever.
You cannot have sex with a man, ever.
You cannot have sex with yourself, ever.

Not even New Year's Eve.

Whatever sexual urges were programmed into you by God or Nature,
however overwhelming and overpowering, can never be fulfilled.

Not even on your birthday.

And if you should have an occasional wet dream,
well, you... damn well.... better feel quilty about it!!!

(Rest Period.)

(Rest period over.)

The Cometeers had a similar rule, but their rule had teeth.

Seems to me the smart move is castration. (smart if you're a loon)
Isn't it insane to struggle with 60 or 70 years of sexual urges,
which can never, EVER be fulfilled under any circumstances?
Never and ever?

If you read the newspapers, you know what often happens to that pent-up sexual tension.
It's guaranteed that tension will eventually explode, hopefully not inside a 10 year-old altar boy.

Isn't the Cometeer way the better way?
(Assuming, of course, you want to lose/deny your sexuality
because of a certain "book" your parents seemed to favor.)

.somebody give me a $1,000 grant and I'll design a newer, better,
more logical set of superstitions that doesn't require castration.

Wait, don't tell me...

Not enough risk?

Rush, let me get this straight:

1,000 Points of Light = Great Idea

Clinton's Volunteers = Crime of the Century

Did I get it right, Pachy?

So, Colin Powell, Nancy Reagan and Gerald Ford and George
Herbert Traitor Butch are in on Clinton's conspiracy, too?

I wasn't surprised to hear Rush slur his fellow-Republicans.
That's very in-character for Rush Limba.
I'm sure he'd pee on Ronald Reagan himself if there was a
remote chance it might get him a foot closer to a tax cut.

This just in....

Nevada State Police report an increase in calls from people
hearing unexplained explosions in the desert east of Las Vegas.

They regularly have unexplained desert explosions?
And now there's an increase?

..more on this story as it developes.

GOP Mail Bag

From: larrym@telepath.com

(Are you really a telepath? Are you a Thelosian?)

Subject: you hatepage

You are slandering the gratest person on earth, RUSH LIMBUGH!

(Ha! I love that - "Limbugh.")

Do you ever wonder why Rush has such a overwhelming following?

(Overwhelming following? Rush has 4 million listeners per day,
 out of a possible audience of 270,000,000 people.
 That's an approval rating of 1.45 percent.
 Snoot has higher numbers than that.
 RL-LNW has up to 51,366,000 documented readers.
 Do the math.)

Could be becuse you are in the minority in disaggreeing with Rush?

(Do the math, Einstein.)


Larry Minson

There's a famous trumpet player named Arturo Sandoval.
He's from communist Cuba.

He defected years ago, and has played for two American presidents.
Now, the INS is giving him some trouble about his alien status.
Sandoval said he's confused about the INS action.

On CNN, he explained his frustration.
"It's not fair. I have played at the White House twice.
Once for President Clinton, and once for President Butch."

..I love a Cuban accent.

Great Republican Quotes

"It's not my fault."

-- Cancerboy's Radio Show, over and over, always, constantly

(This Section Not Family Friendly)

Laff Fucking Riot

Did you see Ronald Reagan's Biography on A&E?
It was produced by the Republican Party.
That's OK.

We'll give Ronnie his pretend Bio,
But that hour was more slanted than Pythagoras's erection!

They made the air-traffic controllers sound like the mob.
"The law-breakers that President Reagan shut down..."

But there's one moment that's laugh-out-loud hysterical!


Go WAKE the kids.

This part IS family-friendly, in that, I think it's a good idea
for our children to know what kind of man Ronald Reagan is/was.

This is word-for-word.... from the videotape of Reagan's speech.
Trying to explain why he betrayed the United States of America,
trying to explain why he lied like a dirty, Persian rug,
trying to explain away his Iran-Contra crimes, Reagan said:

"Months ago, I told you I did NOT trade arms-for-hostages.
My heart... and my best intentions... tell me that's still true.



What a SCREAM!!!

If you saw it on A&E, you KNOW Reagan said that!

Hey, Ronnie!
When have you EVER been on the same side as facts and evidence?


Somebody NAME a time when Reagan was on the same side as the facts.
Go ahead, I'll wait.

Go on,

....You CAN'T, can you?

ha ha


Why did Rabid Right Ralph Reed resign from the Coathanger Coalition?

A. Newsday says he's going to be indicted for the nearly-fatal
beating of Senator Al D'Amato. (R-Bonehead)

B. CNN says, as a confessed baby-beater, (videotapes available FREE)
he must be considered a suspect in the Boulder murder.

C. His "Boy-Troy" is on the cover of next week's STAR Magazine.

D. The Coathanger Coalition fired his intolerant ass for driving
the American electorate into the arms of - gasp - Bill Clinton!

E. USA Today says it was to get AWAY from Pat Robertson, the insane.
Check out the big brain on Ralph Reed!

They said he would move HIS Christians to the center,
forcing Buchanan or Robertson to create an ultra-right wing,
forcing a Republican Civil War before the next election.

If this happens, we'll be there for you.
...and RL-LNW issues will be daily and expensive.

Great GOP Quotes

Arainna Huffington must be taking smart pills.
In her latest column, referring to right-wingers who see
Big Brother taking over the volunteer summit, she wrote:

"Even more bizarre are Rush Limbaugh's daily tirades against
the summit on his radio program. Limbaugh is furious about the
event (he's furious about everything.) Wednesday, he read quotes
from Hitler and Thomas Jefferson that were meant to show that
Hitler would support the summit, and Jefferson wouldn't.

"Now, I don't agree with my good friend Al Franken that Rush Limbaugh
is a big, fat idiot. He is merely a morally impoverished ignoramus."

(Hey, this lady is pretty good.)

"A little learning is a dangerous thing. Limbaugh is increasingly
becoming a warning to kids of the perils of dropping out of school."

"Limbaugh also said flatly that 'I don't agree there is a crisis.'
Has he revealed this to some of his conservative heroes, including
Robert Bork and Bill Bennett (Better Than You) who have been
going on for years about the country's moral and cultural crisis?"

(Arianna, if you'd like a part-time job, contact us.)

Old Business

Caller: Rush! Remember the $1,000,000 bet Rush?
Remember the bet, Rush? You said Clinton would hit
at least 3 out of 5 economic lows.
Turns out he's 5 for 5!

What about the bet, Rush?

Rush: Well, I didn't know the Republican Congress was coming.
They saved Clinton's rear end with their spending cuts.

(Excuse me, El Grande Puerca, let me count the ways:
How many times have you whaled: THEY'RE NOT CUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everytime "starving children" comes up, you explain how HUGE the
Republican increase was, and how the demos are lying about CUTS!

Now, when it's convenient, you claim they're CUTS??????

Besides, Snoot's little "revolution" started January 20th, 1995.
By then, interest rates had fallen,
the Stock Market was WAY up,
inflation was non-existent
and Greenspan had to raise interest rates to SLOW the economy.

Six times, Porky.
Six times BEFORE Snoot's horde of zealots showed up.

But ewe knew that...

Great European Quotes

"I hate to see those American TV evangelists stealing money
 from the sick and the old. Well, let me tell you something:
...MY God isn't short of cash, MISTER!!"

-- Some Irish guy



Chairman: The Committee will now come to order!
Ok, who's next?

Senator Lott - Please stand and raise your right hand...

"I hereby swear, that I do NOT consider being addicted to
Cancer Money bad for the health of the Republican Party."

Next up, Squeaker Gingrich

"I hereby swear, that I do NOT consider being addicted to
Cancer Money bad for the health of the Republican Party."

Next up, Senator Helms

"I hereby swear, that I do NOT consider being addicted to
Cancer Money bad for the health of the Republican Party."

Next up, Senator Inhofe

"I hereby swear, that I do NOT consider being addicted to
Cancer Money bad for the health of the Republican Party."

Next up, Senator D'Amato


Next up, ...what is this... who is Tennesse Tuxedo?

"I hereby swear, that I do NOT consider being addicted to
Cancer Money bad for the health of the Republican Party."

-- Senator Fred Thompson (R - Bonehead)

True Quotes

"Only Rush Limbaugh could find a conspiracy in
  President Clinton's bi-partisan volunteer summit."
         -- Larry King in USA Today

Did Rush Contribute to McVeigh's Crimes?

This, from Wide Load's radio show...

"If you own property in America, and it rains on it, on your land,
and if a puddle forms, I can almost guarantee you that some
liberal, federal bureaucrat will declare it a "wetland" and
take your property from you without compensation."

-- The Prince of Pricks, 4/16/97

Now, you and I would hear him say that and think,
"Boy, that Rush is a funny bastard."
He's been saying crazy shit like that for years.

Harmless fun, right?

But what do the McVeigh Republicans think?
How does the right-wing see a puddle of water?

Rush, the most honest man that ever lived, GUARANTEES them
(do sheep even hear Rush's "maybe" qualifier?)
that King KKKlinton is coming to steal your land.

YOUR land.

Land your great-grandfather fought and died for.

YOUR land.

Land your father worked until he was 85 years old.

YOUR land.

Land you had hoped to pass on to your kids someday.

YOUR land.

But nooooooooooooooo.
King Klinton and Janet Reno are coming to fuck you to death!

Look at the TV!

Look at the TV!

The forecast calls for RAIN!!!

The forecast calls for RAIN!!!

Stockpile the automatic weapons and ammonium nitrate!!

So, a fellow-with-problems like Tim McVeigh agrees that
"government is the problem." He decides he's the perfect patriot
to attack the "big-government traitors" and save America.
He's a soldier. He's been to war.

He's got a job to do.

"It's not my fault."
-- Cancerboy's Radio Show, over and over, always, constantly

This just in....

Nevada State Police report receiving over twenty calls from
panicked people saying they saw unusual lights moving in the
desert sky eleven miles east of Las Vegas.

..more on this breaking story as details become available.

By the way, I have donated many thousands of dollars to charity,
and thousands of hours of my time to different charities.

The reason you haven't heard anything about this is because
I absolutely refuse to brag about myself.

I'm not that kind of a guy.

Great Methane Quotes

"Tiger Woods is proof that Affirmative Action and quotas
  aren't needed in today's America."

Hey, Your Lardship!

Tiger Woods might be the best golfer that ever lived.
Maybe HE doesn't need help breaking down barriers, but what about
the 70 million blacks that AREN'T the best golfers in history?

If you heard Rush the week after Tiger Woods won the Master's,
he kept saying that people don't NEED a break.
He said people don't NEED a helping hand to get started.
Rush said all they need is "rugged individualism."
He said people these days are "consumed with negativism."

Hey, Jabba!
How did you get YOUR start?

You started in YOUR DADDY'S radio station!
How much more of a hippo-crit can a fat bastard be?

I wish the local AM radio station would let me have a microphone the hour after Rush.
Conserva-sheep would self-immolate.

It would be ratings CITY!

A rabbi praying to God:

Rabbi: God Allmighty, in Heaven above, please.
I need your help. Please guide me.
My son, he... he's turned Christian on me.

God: I know how you feel.

I've never felt so let-down in my life.
I got this e-mail:

From: (withheld)


I just wanted you to know that I am have instructed my lawyer
to file a civil suit against you and your newsletter on the
grounds I cannot eat or drink while reading it.
On some occasions, I've had milk come out of my nose.
I have had other symptoms as well, including side aches.

My lawyer will be contacting you.



..my heart was broken.
I thought, for a moment, Cyst-boy was coming for me.

Hey, Rush, COME AND GET ME!!

I'd enjoy convincing a jury you're a lying, nazi whore.

Two 5 year old boys are waiting in the doctor's office.

One says to the other, "What are you in for?"

"Circumcision," says the other.

"Watch out, I had that done when I was first born,
   ...and I couldn't walk for a year!"

Goof Mail

From: engeldc@cmgate.com

Subject: get a grip

are we bias or what?
have the dems been so great
talk about objective
your daady must half gave you everything
if the democrat policies are so great
why do they sound so much like republicans.



(Doogie, if brains were black powder,
would you be able to blow your nose?)

I must take a moment to tell you about the best political
TV show in America. It's a local Oklahoma show called
"You're On With Sam Jones."

Sam Jones - sounds like a pretty radical guy, right?
Nope, he's a middle-roader.

Sam's show is knocking 'em dead.
He looks kinda like Sam Walton did thirty years ago.
He's got great chemistry between the left and the right,
and a nice balance of monolog, stories and phone calls.

Sam Jones doesn't even have any competition.

Brinkley's gone.
Koppel puts me to sleep.

Meet the Press is usually about the budget or taxes.
McLaughlin, on a scale of ten being a total and inexcusably
partisan wannabe-Snoot's-cabanaboy, and zero being metaphysical
certitude that wannabe-Snoot's-cabanaboy-ism doesn't exist,
is a 9.

Plus, "You're On With Sam Jones" is produced like a big-network show.
Whoever the Executive Producer is, he's a genius.

Can I be a mean-spirited Republican for a moment?

Ellen DeGeneres is NOT funny.
Never was.

I support her right to be gay and all her civil rights.
That goes without saying - I'm a liberal.
But when it comes to funny, she can't hold a candle to Dan Quayle or Clarence Thomas.
Besides, I'm real tired of her milking this to death, no pun intended.

Mom: No pun received, Johnny.


Barbara Streisand
Yes, she can sing, maybe even sing great, but who cares?
What does she sing? Shit Liza Minelli threw out?


Murphy Brown is not funny.
Never was.
Candice Bergen needs to retire yesterday.

I like their politics, but I wouldn't pay Dole
to see them in person if they were across the street.


On the other hand, PJ O'Rourke is a riot!
He's what I call a REAL writer.

I haven't read him since "Parliament of Whores"
but when PJ gets out the scalpel, it's Party Time.

Dennis Miller is even better.
He's tops right now, for political humor.
Nobody can touch Dennis Miller, but Chris Rock is a close second.

Al Franken is another one.

His "Chicken-Hawk" VietNam story broke the bank.
George Will can be brutally funny, same for Tony Snow.
Both have contributed several pieces to RL-LNW.
Bill Mahar is OK, but his monolog stinks, every night.
It's extremely hard to write consistently-funny material.

You're reading proof of that right now.

Who is Bob Dole kidding?

He won't be around when Snoot's loan comes due.
Either Snoot's going to be paying that money to the Republican
Red Cross or it'll go directly to Dole's Bag O' Hairspray.


If YOU had do-or-die legislation that HAD to get passed,
such as the Cancer Lobby or the Rifle Lobby, and you knew
The Squeaker of the House was in-debt to Bob Dole BIG-TIME...

..why would you go to ANY firm other than Dole's?

Snoot is more beholdin' to Dole than Fatboy is to Clinton.

Are you still getting unsolicited e-mail?

Starting a month ago, if I got some annoying, unsolicited,
e-mail spam, I'd reply with an issue of RL-LNW.

That'll teach'em.

The result?

So far, seven new subscribers.

Giving RL-LNW is a friendly, you-can-do-it-too gesture.
They'll either drop you from their list or thank you.

Tip o' the hat to "Virt."

(See? You can write to BartCop and remain "cloaked.")

Organized Religion....

Don't get me started.

I read in the paper where one of them rich Kennedy boys is
getting a marriage annulment from the Catholic Church.
Teddy did the same thing a few years ago.
The Catholics say Ted was not married EVER to his first wife "in the eyes of God."

Why are God's eyes not working?
I've seen Ted's first wife - why hasn't God?

I wonder how much the Catholics charged him for it?
...and you think politics is a money-cesspool?

You see, Catholics don't allow divorce.....but!

If you have the cash, and can hire a high-priced lobbyist,
the arch-bishop miiiiiiiiiiiight be able to find a loophole
that can "annul" your marriage after, ...say, ...20 years.

Now, isn't that special?

It's the equivilent of test-driving a car for 400,000 miles
and taking it back to the showroom for an annulment of the sale.

Christ, they have kids!
Are they illegitimate now?

What is this, example #359 of religio-insanity?

Tell you what:
Give me that thousand dollar grant and I'll devise a religion that
can withstand scrutiny from any attack you can muster, Mister.

(Memo to self:
 Delete this story from Senator Kennedy's copy.)

My Government Research Report
Filed May 3, 1997

The research trip went smoothly, until I got arrested.

It started out nice enough.
Our plane landed in Las Vegas earlier than expected.

We tried to rent a Sable -a nice red one, Gordo.
But, they were out of Sables.

They had Town Cars, tho.

They gave us a black Town Car with 4,500 miles on it for the price of a Sable.
(Saving YOU, the taxpayer, money.)
This is the quality to which BartCop wishes to become accustomed.

We arrive at The Mirage, 3 PM.
Our room wasn't ready yet.
They give us the only thing available.

A suite.

Then, a cocktail waitress asks if I'm "The" Bartcop.
Knowing how few BartCop's there are, I said "Yes."
She tells the cage-lady, who makes a phone call, and I'll be
goddamned if Steve Wynn doesn't show up to shake my hand.

Steve reads RL-LNW, and he gets the jokes.
Steve comped the rooms, the food, the drinks and we're rockin'.
Then, I look down, I see a dime under my foot.

Fuck me.

....Candice Bergen - I take it all back.

Things kept getting better and better.
I should've known that danger was stalking me.

Phase one of the research began:

I quickly determined that alcohol can interfere with the ability to determine the odds while gambling.
I lost $2,100 the first two days, so I had to call Don Fowler and ask for another envelope of laundered
campaign money.  When the money showed up, it smelled like chickens.

I asked for $5,000, but the cheap bastard sent $3,500.
Never trust a Democrat.

Next day, we drove over Hoover Dam into the Great American Desert,
right into the heart of Limba Country - Kingman, Arizona.

In Kingman, thay have cactai at every 7-11.  We stopped for tourist stuff - glad we did.
Bought a "Backroads" book. We took the backroads to the Grand Canyon.

Now, I know I'm supposed to say bad things about Rush Limba,
since I publish the RL-LNW Newsletter, but I cannot tell a lie.
Rush Limba's fat ass is SMALLER than the Grand Canyon.

Repeat - Rush Limba's fat ass is SMALLER than the Grand Canyon.

That's a fact.
It's not even close enough to measure.

OK, back to the report.
Sunset at the Grand Canyon is real nice. Mrs. BartCop and I shared
some wine and watched the sun turn the Grand Canyon into gold.
If you ever get a chance to do that, do that.
Y'know, the Canyon looked deeper this time.

Then, like always, I hear some white lady say:
"Hey, Harry. We should've brought our camera."
It happens every time.

Funny, of all places, a guy comes up to me and asks if I'd like to buy some cocaine!

NOT at a casino,
NOT at a rock concert, but at the Grand Canyon!

Of course, I told him "No," because now that I'm a role model for young BartCop fans wordwide,
I wanted to set an example!  Besides, my Popiel Coke-Fer-Sure tester was back at the hotel.

I have one question, tho.

How much did Fred Harvey pay for the Grand Canyon?
TRY to buy something in northern Arizona without his name on it.

Just try.

WHEN did it become "Fred Harvey's Grand Canyon?"
And what was Snoot's cut?

A free "I Got a BJ from PJ" sweatshirt for the first correct answer.

So we toured northern Arizona and southern Utah, landing in Blanding.
Jesus, that's pretty country.
The Escalante Region that Clinton declared a "No Mining Zone?"
It's some of the most beautiful America there is.

Clinton's a genius!
He SAVED the area while convincing Indonesia they had to donate
$200 mill or he'd mine Escalante like a Gingrich!

Phase Two, at Lake Powell produced more good luck:

They rented out all the 40 ft. houseboats, the only ones they had
left were the 52-ft "Admiral-class" warships, I mean houseboats.
These bad-boys had everything!
We got an Admiral for the price of a Gilligan.
(Once again, saving your tax dollars.)

After a 72-hour mental massage, we're back in Las Vegas.

They said there was a rock concert in town. Some Irish band was
practicing all week in a stadium in the desert east of Las Vegas.
Hell, I like Irish music...


A RL-LNW exclusive:

If you want to see U2 on this tour, BartCop can deliver:
Go to the stadium the day of the show with cash, not plastic.
Between 2 and 4 the day of the show, they'll release between
200 and 700 extra tickets, for Sure.
Be patient - wait for it.

They don't know how much stadium they need until they un-pack,
so there are extra seats for every show.

That's what we did, and it worked, better than expected.
I guess you heard the hype, Hollywood was there. (yawn)
Bruce, Winona, Batman, I saw two REM guys, some soaper named Fiona or Finola Hughes
sat right on front of us. I had to look at her butt most of the night, since she was standing on her chair.
(Could've been worse.)

(For a complete report of this concert, including a transcript of
  every  word  spoken  or  sung at this show, Click  Here)

Wait, I'm getting ahead of the story.
We got there that night to find our seats were at the back of the floor, seats "9" and "10."
Seat "9" was there, but no "10."

A stadium dude walks up and said a "last-minute screw-up" meant
our seats were moved, and we needed to go to the "relocation" table.
(We're not even Jewish)

The ladies there said we were moved to floor section 6.
We were now in row #30 on the floor.

If you count the stage runways, we're 30 feet from Bono.
(Trust me, try that ticket thing.)

When they started, we understood about the big explosions
that people called into the Nevada State Police.

That TV they have?
Bigger than BartCop's.
Their video screen is 7050 square feet, and it's digital.

They opened with "Mofo," the big-punch of "Pop."
A great song at 4,000,000 watts of power always gets my attention.
They also did "Bullet the Blue Sky," a song about the "Work of Art"
the Reagan/Butch/North gang painted in El Salvador.

Eighteen airplane landing-lights surrounded the stadium.
During "Bullet," these huge lights turn on and form a pyramid that
comes together two-miles high over the stadium.

Almost made me call 911.

(Word: Don't stand on the folding plastic chair when
you look two miles up into the pyramid of light.

Biggest song of the night was "Till the End of the World."
Bono put his hands on his hips, glared at the crowd,
and demanded an ovation. The place went nuts.
It's probably the best song they've ever done.

Biggest surprise was "Gone," from the new CD.
Hueueueueuge song.
They'll be doing this for their encore in 15 years.

I know you're tired of hearing about this show, but let me put it this way:
We'll see them again this tour, with OUR money.
It was that good.

I got Popt.

So, our week was almost over.

The morning we're flying out, Mrs. BartCop and I had breakfast
at the fabulous Monte Carlo Hotel and Casino.
Nice place.
I'll bet it cost a million dollars to build it.

As we're leaving, a guy who looked a lot like like former
Republican Sen. Bob Grabwood walked up to me and said,

"Please, Mister, can you help me?
My wife is very sick. She has cancer.
I need 80 dollars to buy her medicine, please.
Can you help me?"

Now, we're standing 40 feet from the doors of a huge casino,
so even ol' BartCop is smart enough to suspect something.

So, I said, "How do I know your wife is sick?
How do I know you're not going to march right into that casino and gamble?"

..and former Senator Grabwood said, "Oh, I got gamblin' money!"


The week went so well, I'm re-thinking my no-God theory.

It was all too perfect. I should've known something bad
was going to happen - the week had gone so well, so smooth.
(I didn't steal this. It was written having never seen a Jim Carey movie.)

The flight back was pretty bumpy. I was tired and sleepy,
so I ordered a couple of cocktails to help me take a nap.
The pilot turned the seat-belt sign on and off so many times,
he decided to leave it on, and he apologized for the shaky ride.
Just then, I looked out my window and I thought I saw something
on the wing of the plane. I tried to see through the thick clouds.

Maybe it was nothing.

Later, a bump woke me up, and I looked out and saw a something dark,
a shadowy figure right on the wing of the plane. It was hard to see,
but something was out there. It looked like a person.
How silly.

Nobody could exist on the wing of a jet in flight.
Suddenly, the clouds lifted and there he was!

Clarence "Slappy" Thomas kneeling on the wing!
I couldn't believe my eyes!

The youngest Supreme Court Justice in America was pulling wires out
of the wing near the flaps! You might say he was "monkeying" with it.
I grabbed Mrs. BartCop and pointed outside.
"Look at Slappy," I said. "He's trying to crash the plane!"

Mrs. BartCop and I looked outside and there was nothing there.
No Slappy, anywhere.

Where the hell did he go?
Did I just imagine seeing him on the plane's wing?

...Much of my e-mail says I need to get a grip.
Could they be right?
Was my obsession with Republi-felons playing tricks on me?

I blew it off and went back to sleep.
Another bump woke me up, so I looked out.
There be Slappy again! This time he was prying a panel loose
from the wing surface, and he was grinning at me!

I pressed the "call" button for the stewardess.
She came and I said "Slappy Thomas is trying to kill us!"
I pointed out the window, but he was gone.

The stewardess warned me that another outburst would mean I'd
be arrested, so I calmed down, but I kept one eye on the wing.
A few minutes later, I saw Slappy again.
He was loosening the bolts that held the wing pieces together, that evil man.
He was grinning at me, and he mouthed the words,

"This'll teach you, BartCop."

Then I understood.
The GOP has a contract out on me.

They were willing to kill all 140 people on the plane just to
stop BartCop from Shining the Light of Truth on their crimes.

I started screaming "Slappy Thomas is trying to kill everyone,
just look out there, on the wing. Slappy Thomas is another OJ!"
When they looked, Slappy was gone, which was fine with me.
As long as people were watching, we were safe.

When the plane landed, I was arrested and led away in handcuffs.
As they put me in the police car, I saw the mechanics scratching
their heads, looking at the loose wires and bent panels.

I don't mind a few hours in jail to save 140 lives.

Sacrifice is what BartCop-ism is all about.

But it taught me:
Don't EVER underestimate the radical-right.

 For the secret, untold story of this trip and Area 51, Click Here.

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