This just in...
I have a fax from the Democratic National Committee that says
Paula Jones is scheduled to die in a car crash on June 16th.
Cheeses of Nazareth!
Maybe Jerry Falwell was right...
Ralph Reed's dog "Shadrack" won $335,000 in a best-of-seven
series of Chinese Checker games with former Vice President
Dan Quayle's crime-fighting dog "Taytoe."
Pray for Shadrack's safety.
The mob bet on Taytoe.
Paula Jones says she wants to be "Maid Hole."
I think we can stipulate to that.
Paula says all she wants is her good name back.
How can Bill Clinton give her her good name back?
all across America,
and collect all the individual copies of
the January, 1995 edition of Penthouse?
Is the Republican Party run by gay men?
I ask this, because it seems to me, the whole purpose of this
Paula Jones thing is to get pictures of Clinton's prick.
So, who's pushing the hardest for the pix?
Right off, Dornan and Limba are most guilty, no surprise there.
Kenneth Starr seems to want those pictures.
That Ralph Reed look-alike attorney of Paula's is strange,
as well as the real "Beat-my-Baby" Ralph Reed.
D'Amato appears to be straight.
He did everything he could to avoid finding anything on Clinton.
Either he's straight, or he's the crookedest bastard in New York.
K-Mart is dropping their Kathy Lee Gifford line of clothing.
..something about the "unexpected increase in labor costs."
Great GOP Quotes
"I don't believe Paula Jones. She says Clinton was forceful, he knew
what he wanted, and aggressively, methodically pursued his goal.
That doesn't sound like the Bill Clinton I know.
Knowing Clinton's tendency to negotiate and meet halfway,
he probably would've settled for a handjob."
-- Arianna Huffington on Politically Incorrect
(Swear to Koresh)
So many right-wingers,
So few comets
Subject: Your Ignorants is Showing
Glancing at this page tells me your in the wrong country moron.
The socialist ways you project don't belong hear.
Keep on spreding lies and people are not as stupid you would believe.
has yes done his job well, your hattred for him is obvius. Yes, some of
it were funny, but your brain dead.
Marc & Debra Moss,
Home sckolling our childre n
Not Many Winners in This Can of Worms
By Molly Ivins and BartCop
AUSTIN -- As a rooter in the Feminists-for-Paula-Jones camp,
let me say how pleased we are by the Supremes' decision in our case.
Simple principal: No one's above the law. OK, if in the future this
turns out to be a means of harassing a sitting president by his
political enemies, Congress could consider a "legislative continuance."
The problem exists of whether we actually have a case.
I'm afraid our lawyer Gilbert Davis didn't help when he said:
"Paula Jones wants her name and good reputation back from Bill Clinton.
He's got it, she wants it, and we're going to get it for her."
We will stipulate that it was not Clinton who took Jones' good name.
Whether you believe him or her, for obvious reasons he never said a
word about her. If it was left to Clinton, Jones' reputation would
be unsullied. Our lawyer went a little over the top there.
The fact is that no one would know about Our Girl's reputation
had she not called a news conference and outed herself.
Her name never appeared in print; no one cared who she was.
David Brock printed in an anti-Clinton magazine that a fired state
trooper said "Paula wanted to be Clinton's regular girlfriend."
Lot of Paulas in the world, but Our Girl filed suit.
Oddly enough, she did not sue Brock,
Oddly enough, she did not sue the magazine,
Oddly enough, she did not sue the trooper.
For a while it looked like Our Girl would never get a fair hearing.
Now the question is whether Clinton can afford a trial.
Even if he's not guilty, the damage to his ability to function
in office could be measureable. None of that is Our Girl's fault.
But what kind of lawyers advised Our Girl to bring a lawsuit with
such a dubious chance of success that would harm both him and her?
Who were these lawyers, and what were their motives?
Her first lawyer, Daniel Traylor, approached a friend of Clinton's
and said Jones would settle for an apology, $400,000 and Hollywood
jobs for herself and her husband.
Another lawyer who volunteered to help was Ken Starr.
I believe that Our Girl has been used and abused
by more than one man in this mess.
Ironic GOP Quotes
"Part of the problem with America is that judges and juries give
rapists and murderers TOO LIGHT a sentence."
-- Tim McVeigh, mad-dog dittohead, 1990
Tim, bad news.
Clinton FIXED that.
Now, we fry the motherfuckers.
>From the EIB Archives
Remember, a while back... Rush said Professor Hill of the
University of Oklahoma, MUST be lying, because psychiatrists say
sex criminals are habitual, and, since Professor Hill was the
only one to reluctantly tell her story, she must've been lying.
I wonder if that same logic applies to Paula Jones?
There's another Paula Jones rumor going around.
RL-LNW has learned that the fateful 1991 meeting was a mixup
due to miscommunication. My source said everything was fine until
Clinton set his drink on her head while she gave him the knobber.
Paula said "I am NOT furniture" and walked out in a huff.
Great Liberal Quotes
"We are taught to believe... that there's an invisible man
in the sky, who has a list of ten things we shouldn't do,
who watches us every minute...
and if we something he doesn't like, we burn in Hell forever.
.....Yet, He LOVES us!"
-- George Carlin, Politically Incorrect, May 29
Open letter to Rush Limba:
Hey, Clouseau, I got a big clue for you:
Have you ever considered that,
..if the Republicans hadn't gone after the school lunch program
nobody could accuse them of "starving the children?"
..if they hadn't tried to re-write the federal Clean Air Act,
nobody could accuse them of wanting to poison the air?
..if they weren't trying to dismantle the Clean Water guidelines,
nobody could accuse them of wanting to dirty our water?
..if you weren't trying to deny the rights of women,
nobody could accuse you of being women-hating bastards?
..if you weren't trying to dismantle Social Security and Medicare,
nobody could accuse you of wanting to get rid of old people?
..if you weren't taking huge bribes to claim cigarettes are safe,
nobody could call the Republicans "Cancer's Best Friend?"
..if you weren't taking bribes to say America needs more guns,
nobody could call you "sellout puppets of the NRA?"
You see Rush, that's another reason your side keeps losing.
Republicans are really, really stoopid.
Going from right-wing conservative to McVeigh-crazy
is not a long trip.
Isn't it interesting how much smarter the members of the
Supreme Court have become in the last 30 days or so?
When you remind a pro-lifer that the Supreme Court ruled that a
fetus has no rights, they dismiss the Court as "stupid idiots,"
who don't have enough brains to make a logical decision.
"They can't be trusted because they once owned slaves,"
one religio-wacko nut wrote us.
But when they ruled that Clinton can be dragged into court by a
two-bit slut with a no-proof claim, they're hailed as heroes?
Have you ever noticed how much Rep Jim Leach (R-Bonehead)
looks like that tall, blonde dumb guy on "Coach?"
Paula Jones rears her ugly head.
The same people who are bank-rolling her ugly lawsuit against
Clinton are going to be the first ones to wring their hands on
live TV about how Clinton "has pulled the presidency down."
After they write the checks that create the problem, they bemoan
the fact that the president is forced to prove he never met the
woman with the giant Howard Stern-nose from Arkansas.
If Clinton tried to have sex with Paula Jones,
he should be arrested for:
1. felony bad taste and
2. conspiracy to assault his own eyes.
For some reason, Rush said this the other day:
"Paula Jones says she's not in this for the money.....
...yet, it's been my experience that when they say
it's not the money, it's ALWAYS the money."
I guess he forgot which side of the slur he was on.
He said Paula Jones was in this for the money,
which puts Rush in agreement with Paula's family.
I didn't know that Clarence "Slappy" Thomas's white wife
was a top aide to Dick Armey, the foul-mouthed Texan.
So, if BIG oil, or BIG Cancer need a favorable decision,
just take care of Dick Armey, and Slappy's wife will see to it
that at least one vote goes your way.
Is that legal?
An attack the Coathanger Coalition used against Clinton during
the Intact D & E debate was "even the Catholic Bishops are
calling for a ban on partial-birth abortions."
Well, right now those same bishops are saying we have no right
to stick a needle in mad-dog-dittohead Tim McVeigh's arm.
Hey, Coathanger Coalition!
Should Americans listen to Catholic bishops or not?
Either we should follow the Catholics or we shouldn't.
Hint: Tim McVeigh is Catholic.
In Denver, they said THE verdict would be read in 30 minutes.
As Rush was signing off last week, he told his sheep,
"When they read the verdict, don't think anything about it
until you hear from me tomorrow."
Fatty Feedbag must think his sheep are sequestered.
Then, the verdict came in.
Guilty, all the way.
It goes without saying....
The Gingrich/McVeigh Revolution has clearly suffered a setback.
Then, the sentencing phase:
Why did Squeaker Snoot Gingrich, Dick Armey the Foul-Mouthed Texan,
and Jungle Jim Inhofe appear as character witnesses for McVeigh?
The NRA sent faxes to all Republican Senators and House members
reminding them that flags should be lowered to half-mast.
The 1994 Republican freshmen have worn all black ever since.
The NRA announced they'd hold their yearly convention on April 19
in honor of "America's Dark Day." The NRA also said they would
retire Tim McVeigh's jersey, and put it on "Murderer's Wall,"
between the jerseys of Vern Koresh, Paul Hill and John Salvi.
Great, Great Rush Quotes
"I'll tell you the difference between a right-wing extremist
and a left-wing extremist - a left-wing extremist probably
has a degree from a pointy-headed, liberal university."
This one time...
Rush is correct.
A liberal generally has more education than a caveman.
It cost Larry Flynt over $1,000,000 to get to the Supreme Court.
How did poor, "I-just-want-him-to-admit-what-he-did," Paula get there?
Paula Jones says she can identify "distinguishing characteristics"
about the presidential genitalia. She also says she has at least
ten female friends who will corroborate her testimony.
If every good-looking woman in Arkansas (plus Paula Jones) has seen or
sampled the presidential genitalia, how can Paula claim exclusivity?
Does that make sense?
The biggest drop in homicides since 1960.
Bill Clinton and his Crime Bill,
coupled with an extra 12,000,000 people with JOBS,
causes a MONSTER drop in the crime rate.
So what does Fatty Feedbag say about this?
"Oh, LOOK at Bill Clinton try to grab credit for it...
You know how those liberals are...
You know how Clinton is,
Clinton had NOTHING to do with that - NOTHING!
...but it's just like him to try to claim credit for it."
but, wait. Something doesn't add up.
In the 1996 presidential campaign, LardAss and Bob Dole
said teen pot-smoking was up, "...and it's all CLINTON'S fault."
Can they have it both ways?
I say NO.
Feedbag, you need to pick a slur and stick with it.
If Clinton is to be blamed for an increase in pot-smoking, because
it was on HIS watch, then he gets the credit for a HUGE DROP
in the MURDER rate, which fucking counts, for Chrissakes!
Murder is way down.
Pot-smoking is slightly up.
Can we live with Bill Clinton?
BartCop says "Yes."
I found out why Republicans hate Clinton so much.
He's still alive.
Check THIS site out.
This guy is so incredibly pissed that there haven't been
MORE murders of innocent people at women's clinics.
He's VERY tired of waiting for YOU to murder some people!
At first, I thought he was a pro-choicer, because he kept yelling
at what "spineless assholes" Operation Rescue has for members.
Shit, I offered him a FREE one-year subscription to RL-LNW!
But, for the first time ever, I was wrong!
This nutboy is to the right of Rush Limba.
This nutcase is to the RIGHT of Rush Limba.
Hey, Sparky, I have an idea for you.
Go to the top of the Empire State Building, call the media,
douse yourself with gasoline, and as you denounce the ruling
made by the recently super-smart Supreme Court,
light yourself and jump the fuck off and scream "DITTO!"
Your flaming ass will effect millions of people.
I can promise that.
Your "statement" will be on every news show for a week.
If you do this, I promise that all pro-choicers will take a
second look at your pro-life point-of-view.
We promise to give it every consideration.
We promise - swear to Randy Weaver.
Do we have a deal?
Coke's new Mountain Dew rip-off "Surge" has a slogan:
"Feed The Rush"
ha ha ha
..As though Coca-Cola has the resources to "feed" the Rush.
ha ha ha
Don Nickels and Bob Dornan BOTH have gay Chief's of Staff.
What are the odds?
How did they get their jobs?
What did B-1 know, and when did he know it?
Did they do their jobs well?
What secret test does Don Nickles give to new employees?
That string hanging from Don Nickels's pants zipper,
what does it mean?
Isn't Falwell's and/or Robertson's Chief gay, too?
It goes without saying that John Kasich's staff is gay,
not that there's anything wrong with it...
But, if they're gay, shouldn't we start hating them?
Isn't that what the Bible says?
What if we know these people, and even LIKE them,
yet, they turn out to be gay?
Don't we have to turn them in?
By the way, could somebody quote me the chapter and verse
where Jesus said "Screw the ungodly gays?"
I need it for my Bible class...
Kenneth Starr's staff has composed a statement they want
our president to read. It goes like this:
I, William Clinton, am guilty of ____________________,
along with __________________ and ___________________.
I freely admit that I _________________ and ordered __________
to _____________, and that laws were broken and ignored.
Furthermore, I have always ______________, and I plead guilty
to __________ and ____________, and I am truly ashamed of myself.
I thought I could get away with it because ____________,
but the GOP outsmarted me, so I plead guilty to _________.
Please forgive me,
the Devil's pawn,
Starr says Clinton's refusal to sign this statement proves
his assertion that the White House is not co-operating in the
witchhunt...., I mean the probe into the alleged crimes.
Great Rock n Roll Quotes
-- Neil Young, after he cut off the tip of his
index finger preparing a ham sandwich.
K-Mart says they won't carry the issue of the Globe that
has more proof about Frank Gifford's illicit affair.
Yet, they'll sell a fantasy about America's best president whipping
it out for a Hee-Haw-watching, money-grubbing, blackmailing,
slut-whore bimbo like Paula Jones.
..Oh, that's right.
Hillary doesn't whore for K-Mart like Kathy Lee does.
Great GOP Quotes
"We could get the money...
We could get a million dollars...
I know where we could get it, in cash.
I know where it could be gotten.
...but it would be wrong."
-- That pardonboy-bastard Nixon, peeing on our Constitution
Rush says Clinton slept with Sharon Stone.
He was trying to hurt Clinton by saying that.
My research shows Clinton up 6 points.
Paula's lawyers say she must collect monetary damages because
the White House called her a liar.
Excuse me, but that could only have happened AFTER Paula made
her wild and wacky accusations, right?
Paula says she came forward ONLY after the American Spectator
said a "woman named Paula" blew Clinton at that hotel.
When asked why she's not suing the magazine that caused her
distress, Paula said "There are two reasons for that:
One, the people and organizations bankrolling this fight
don't want to sue themselves, and if I just sued a conservative
magazine, it wouldn't make the front pages."
Can't argue with logic like that...
The statement Paula Jones wants Clinton to read:
"I am a bad, bad man.
I did bad, bad things to the Virgin Paula Jones."
The statement the President wants to read:
"In the brief time when I met with Paula Jones,
I quickly came (cough) to the conclusion she was a very hard worker.
When doing a job, whatever kind of job it is, Paula performs
that task very seriously and is a very energetic and
enthusiastic worker. She gives particular attention to details,
and I would have no reservations about recommending her to
all my friends and associates. Had I not become president,
Paula Jones might very well have become part of my regular team."
Paula's attorney rejected that statement.
Susie "Creamcheese" Molinari announced that starting in August,
she'll whore for CBS as a "Saturday Morning Anchor."
She has several options for a co-host:
Pee Wee Herman,
Fred Thompson in his Tennessee Tuxedo costume,
The Coyote from the Roadrunner cartoon,
or Mr. Greenjeans played by George Herbert Traitor Butch.
USA Today called her the "Katie Couric" of the GOP.
Jesus, what an insult!
Susie, trust me, that's actionable!
They said Creamcheese was "one of the GOP's most visible
baby-boomer advocates for so-called women's issues."
I have two questions:
Can you believe our little Susie Creamcheese is the
highest-ranking woman in the Republican party?
Name a higher-ranked woman.
Go ahead, I'll wait.
Susie's husband Bill lives in Buffalo.
Susie lives on Staten Island.
They don't live together.
They don't live together.
If Susie was MY wife, I'd damn sure live with her.
I'd live with her OFTEN... if you know what I mean.
I wonder why the highest-ranking woman in the Republican Party
doesn't live with her kids or believe in family values?
Why can't those kids have BOTH their parents?
What's more important than the welfare of their kids?
What would Dr. Laura say?
So what does Susie's say about the reaction to her defection?
"I hope people don't read too much into this."
Isn't that what Frank Gifford said?
Can I ask a question about Prayer in School?
What if your child's teacher was a BIG Marilyn Manson fan?
Tomorrow, it's your kid's teacher's turn to pick the prayer.
According to Rush, Manson might carve a black magic star
on your kid's back, then pee on his "work of art,"
then make the neck of a bottle of Jack Daniels disappear.
Maybe we should rethink this "government prayer" stuff.
Rush reminds me of "Sgt. Schultz," the prison guard on the old
black and white "Hogan's Heroes" television show.
He's a big, fat nazi...
and he knows nothiiiiiiiiiiiinnng!
Rarely do I scream "lying bastard" while kicking the AM radio
across the room, but I did it the other day.
While honoring the Marshall Plan in Europe, Clinton called for
private American industries to help, and Fatty Feedbag kept saying,
"SEE? SEE? SEE?
What did I tell you?
SEE? SEE? SEE?
What did I tell you?
SEE? SEE? SEE?"
That's when I kicked the goddamn radio.
Gee, Rush, I don't know.
What DID you predict?
If Clinton, like Marshall, had proposed a multi-billion dollar
plan to rebuild Europe, Rush would've attacked him for proposing
"another liberal, money-wasting, feelgood program."
Since he DIDN'T call for any tax dollars,
Rush says "See? See?"
Of course, I understand that you can't pass up any chance to
unfairly criticize our best President. When Clinton screws up,
you're there with your freeze-frame and your microscope.
When Clinton hits a tape-measure home run, you have no choice
but to bend over a log in the Georgia woods like Ned Beatty
and squeeeeeeel "SEE? SEE? SEE?" like a fat-pig, porky feedbag.
By the way...
Issue 100 might be good.
This Paula Jones lawsuit...
Is it possible we're actually seeing this?
A lone person, without proof, can claim America's leader did
a bad thing, and now he must go to a public court and deny it?
How is it possible?
How is it possible?
A single person, WITH NO PROOF, forces the President into court,
perhaps forces the President to expose his member to cameras.
(Rumor has it that "Air Force One" is the size of a woman's arm.)
when the film comes back from Wal-Mart, we find out that
Paula's little "ID" turned out to be wrong?
Follow me on this:
Let's say the photos show Clinton isn't circumcised.
What if Clinton isn't circumcised, but Paula CLAIMED that he WAS,
and she must've "forgot" that when she gave her description,
with it's "distinguishing characteristics" due to the
"awful trauma" she's been forced to endure?
THEN fucking what?
We tell Clinton, "Sorry. The unknown accuser was lying?"
THEN fucking what?
How DO we make that up to the President of the United States?
I know, I've backed conservatives into a corner, again.
They CAN'T answer that.
Here's the bottom line:
Republicans don't say "It's OK to drag a President into court."
They don't say that, the tricky shits.
The Republicans say "IT's OK for BILL CLINTON to be dragged in."
So - Let's get this straight once and for all:
Here's my challenge to the Republican Party.
Endorse this statement:
If we, the GOP, in the decades to come, ever regain the White House,
we will not object to Democrats filing endless claims against our
Republican President even if they have no proof. We don't mind
if our Republican President is forced to strip for every claim that
is made by any citizen, because what's "fair" is fair.
Sign right here....
And if Clinton is found "not guilty?"
If Paula's claims are proven fraudulent?
We must do something to compensate Clinton for the
never-ending years of unproven accusations.
How can we make it up to him?
We repeal the 22nd Amendment.
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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!