Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
Issue #101

Hey, Rush...
Cunanan has been dead for weeks.

You can come out now.

Great GOP Quotes

"I've been portrayed as a caveman by some.
That's not true.
I'm a conservative progressive, and that means I think
all men are equal, be they slants, beaners or niggers."

--Jesse Helms, North Carolina "progressive," Feb 6, 1985

Ladies and Gentlemen, ...with all humility

(trumpet fanfare...)

The Reviews are in...

"...FOUR STARS..." (Out of Four)

"How Can One Man Be This Funny?"

"...AT HIS UNCENSORED BEST..."

"Bawdy, Uproarious And Endearingly Off-The-Wall"

"THE FUNNIEST MATERIAL HE'S EVER DONE..."

These... are reviews for "Richard Pryor - Live in Concert."
The long-anticipated 100th Issue of RL-LNW didn't fare as well.
The reviews for RL-LNW 100 were almost unanimous.

"The Wizard of Ahh's" has already made four "Worst Lists,"
and has been ignored by up to 60,324,994 potential readers.

Funny, we got 11 MORE responses to the dumb baseball quiz.
That throw-away ditty took 90 seconds to write.
That stupid Oz story took 90 DAYS, and it STILL blew donkey.

TRUE REVIEWS:

"Your Oz story was like a 'descent' tale of hellish personnas."
---
"please you worshop the god of modern liberalism have fun why
don't you go do fun raiser's for the communest party"
---
"economic freadom rush often makes some good points."
---
"grow up"
---
"Ok, I can understand your hattred of Rush Limbaugh your
a liberal I would expect that but Personnel attacks on his fans?
thats goes beyond any fairness"
---
"The unbrideled hate that spews from you writings goes far beyond
the pale. If your are trying to be funny your not succeiding."
---
"You wittingly function as an instrument for totalitarianism"
---

..but,

I did get ONE reply that was polite...

Dear Friend:
RE: RL-LNW Volume 100 Special Edition,

Thank you for contacting me.
I will be happy to respond to any question you have.
As an additional service to all users, my office also has
a homepage at http://www.house.gov/gingrich/ where you can
learn more about Georgia Sixth District.

Thank you, for contacting me.
Sincerely,

Newt Gingrich, Member of Congress
Georgia6@mail.house.gov

Check this site:
http://members.aol.com/misscid/links.htm

They wrote:

"The Political Writings of BartCop.
I don't agree with alot of what he says, but he is kinda funny."

(Hey, wait a minute - Steve Forbes is "kinda funny," too.
What's this guy trying to say?)

Great GOP Quotes

"I believe we can have jobs with higher wages AND
have jobs that pay better, at the same time."
--Danny Quayle, Honorary RL-LNW Board Member

Do you own a copy of "I Am The Walrus?"
If you do, throw it away.

Do you own a copy of "Stairway to Heaven?"
Trash it, it's no good.

Do you own a copy of "Layla?"
Get rid of it.

The ONLY song you should own is "Butterfly Kisses."
It's the greatest song ever written, screw all others.

For some goddamn reason, the Republican National Committee faxed
that order to Paul Harvey, Dr. Laura, Liddy and Der Fat Fuhrer
to proclaim this "the greatest song in musical history."

I tried to listen to it, but I threw up.
I tried another time or two, but then Mrs. BartCop had to drive
me to the emergency room. They said I was suffering from a rare
form of hyper-glycemic shock. The doctors warned me another
attempt to listen to "Butterfly Kisses" might kill me.

I really don't mind if some Christian wants to write a silly,
schmaltzy song to his daughter who's late coming home from a
date, probably gang-banging bums under the railroad tracks.
But why did the RNC designate THIS saccharillia as THE song
to be played, again and again and again by Republicans?

Fat Bastard, as always, was the worst.

Rush said "Liberals HATE this song, because there's a line
in it that says "someday she'll take another name."

Fatboy, you got it HALF right. We hate the song.

Speaking for all liberals, I don't care if this guy's daughter
calls herself Marilyn Quayle Manson. Why would that bother anyone?
Remember when Rush said Kerry Strug pissed off ALLLLLLLLLL
liberals when she prayed before her big jump in Atlanta?

We don't give a hoot if someone prays or changes their name,
but a few million ditto-sheep believe Rush every time
he explains how liberals "want to destroy America."

Why are the right-wingers SO obedient to orders given by the
Republican National Committee on things like this?

It's impossible for those four to decide to "pay tribute to the
honor of this very special song" on the very same day.
Why did they bother?
Is the author a big contributor to the RNC?

There is some good news, tho...
The RNC has given them permission to STOP playing the song,
so I'm pretty sure it'll never be heard from again.

Perhaps they got sick of it, too...

My secret Washington contacts have given me some background
on the Republican coup that Newt Gingrich barely survived.

The story I got from my RL-LNW undercover operative is that the
Jesus Twins (Steve Largent and Tom Coburn) talked Tom Paxon into
asking Newt Gingrich to meet them at a local DC bar owned by a
friend of Tom Paxon, who they said could "guarantee" Newt's safety.

When Newt arrived, Largent, Coburn, Armey and Delay invited
him to have a drink at the bar. Armey was behind the bar,
Delay was to Newt's right, and Paxon was to his left.
(cough)
Largent and Coburn covered the front and back doors.

Armey explained to Newt that the 1994 GOP Freshmen were getting
"antsy" about Newt's deal-making with the Clinton-devil.

After they got Newt relaxed, Tom Delay made the first move:
As Newt did a shot of tequila, Delay grabbed his left hand
and held it steady as Dick Armey ran a dagger through it,
impaling his hand right on top of the fucking bar!!!

Tom Delay grabbed Newt's right hand and held on as Newt flung
him wildly about. Tom Paxon wrapped razor-wire around Newt's
neck and pulled it as tight as he could. Newt's eyeballs popped
and tequila ran from the corner of his mouth as Paxon laughed.
"Ralph Reed sends his regards, asshole."

Paxon snapped his neck with a jerk and pulled HARD on the
razor-wire, severing Newt's head from his still-twitching body.
They left Newt headless, his hand nailed to the top of the bar.

Paxon, Delay, Armey and the Jesus Twins ran back to the Hill.
The told the waiting Republicans that YES, the Newt was dead.
They even mounted his head on a stake.
(Republicans, such barbarians.)

Armey and Paxon started fighting over who'd be the next boss.
Republicans couldn't see the Foul-Mouthed Texan as Squeaker.
Right after they voted Armey out, the doors flew open!

There stood Newt Gingrich,
(trumpets)
Squeaker of the House...
(more trumpets)

"But,... but..." Paxon stammered.

"fuckin' goddamn holy shit.." said Dick, the Foul-Mouthed Texan.

"Jesus, take me home," said the Jesus Twins, together.

"We saw your headless body, back at the bar!" Tom delay whined.
"How can you possibly be alive?"

"You forgot who you're dealing with," Newt said.
"I just grew another head."

(Reptiles can do that, you know.)

It's getting harder for the staff to write RL-LNW.

For three weeks, Rush hasn't done anything but play his musical
parodies, over and over, and talk about the UPS strike.

Yawn City.
Maybe that'll change now.

Did you hear that retired military man call in?
"Rush, can you help us? I fought in Vietnam, and I'm disabled,
and we NEVER get big raises, so why should UPS?"

Rush said "I'm sorry, but I can't get behind your cause.
I'm a Do-it-yourself guy.
I've never been one to lay around and beg for a handout."

Excuse me...?

Permission to gag?

Those of you who read my Memorial Day salute to our veterans
(see RL-LNW Volume 96)
know that we at RL-LNW are solidly BEHIND our veterans,
even if some millionaire, dirty-ass draft-dodger isn't.

And some subscribers might remember back when I did my interview
with Rush, (see RL-LNW Volume 36) the Fat Bastard, live on his
radio show, (May 10, 1995) ADMITTED being on welfare and being
too lazy to mow his own goddamn lawn. He ADMITTED he sat on the
couch eating junk food until his wife, (I forget which wife)
MADE him get off his cyst and look for honest work,
which he hasn't found to this day.

So, Dirty-Butt Limba, who has sucked on the government teat,
thinks Disabled American Veterans are a bunch of whiners?

Rush, you should drop to your knees and thank God every day
that there is an OJ Simpson, a Tim McVeigh and a Snoot.

As things are today,
you're NOT the most hated man in America.

Great Liberal Quotes

"Now, imagine, ....that the little girl .....is white."

--Matthew McConaughey

BartCop Multimedia

Very soon, we'll have audio/video files in
alt.binaries.multimedia

I've been working on this.

Once a week, I'll post audio and video clips on Usenet.
You may need a local geek to decode some of it, but most Win95
users can download and decode them pretty easily.

I've got over a hundred video tapes of "stuff."
See Reagan deny everything,
the best Quayle goofse,
George Butch eating pork rinds,
Listen as G. Gordon Liddy falls into the BartCop snare,

This'll be cool.

In Show Business news...

Variety says Radio Shock-Jock Rush Limba purchased the song
(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman for an unheard-of
$4.6 Million from Aretha Franklin, Soul-Pop diva of the 1970's.

No explanation was given, and Clarence "Slappy" Thomas
did not return calls to RL-LNW to clarify the matter.

..more on this story as it developes...

Let's go to the phones... from Macon, georgia, you're on RL-LNW!

From: "PHILLIPS AFFORDABLE INSURANCE"

motherfucker you and all the other sick commie liberals need to
move to china we support the KLAN and we have no use for the
NOW BUNCH and other sick individuals Clinton the worst excuxe
for a president we have had you liberals need to leave this
land you stupid son of a bich

Sincerely,
Joe Phillips

(Be sure to see Joe for ALL your personal insurance needs.)

Great GOP Quotes

"I'm Stalin, and I can't get up!"
--Snoot Gingrich, November '94

Dr. Laura, who WORSHIPS the sheep Dirty-Butt walks on,

..absolutely WORSHIPS his every word, said this the other day
to impressionable, help-needing, mindless right-wingers:

"So these Feminists had a get-together and smeared menstrual
blood on each other for entertainment."

..Wow

..take a deep breath

Let's repeat what we've gone over so far...

"Feminists smear menstrual blood on each other for entertainment."

I heard this myself, so let's not discuss IF she said it...
Let's talk about WHY she said it.

..Anybody have a fucking clue?

It had something to do with "advancing the feminist curriculum,"
whatever the hell THAT might mean.

Is there a Lesbian University?
Isn't that near Clemson?

So, we have a supposedly-intelligent woman explaining to people
who are... how can I put it politely..... fucking morons,
that feminists, (read "people who voted for Clinton")
smear their menstrual blood on each other for entertainment!

If I wasn't blessed with an IQ of 66,
I might FALL for that kind of insane bullshit.
Cheeses, if that kind of stuff was true, I'd vote for Buchanan.

It's like Rush's newest "funny" commercial parody?
Some fictional kid says to his mother:
"Can I borrow Grandma's crucifix and a really big jar?"

The implication is that Junior will pee into the jar and place
the crucifix in the urine, because THAT'S WHAT LIBERALS DO!!

Yep, THAT'S what liberals alllllllllllll believe in.
THAT'S what the NEA and the Democratic Party are all about.

(And these slugs have the fucking GALL to say the democrats
demagog issues and lie about conservatives to scare people.
Perhaps this is a good time to say "eat me" to the GOP?)

Now do you understand why I call them lying whores?

Limba and Liddy and Schlesinger and North and Harvey and all
the others KNOW that's not true... but, being lying whores,
they accept TENS OF MILLIONS of dollars to say it is!

Hey, GOP...
Hate liberals if you must, but...
STOP telling the uneducated, simple redneck people that
Clinton voters smear menstrual blood on each other for fun,
and STOP telling the uneducated, simple people that
Democrats think the Crucifix belongs in urine.

Dr. Laura is a converted Jew, so I don't think she's a nazi,
but "lying" and "whore" fit her like Bruno-Maglia.

One last time before we go:

"Feminists smear menstrual blood on each other for FUN!"

If David Duke runs in 2000,
he might have found a running mate...

---

Speaking of Dr. Laura...

..did they ever find Eva Braun's body?

Great GOP Quotes

"I'm Lenin towards a tax cut."
--Snoot Gingrich, December '94

Nutty GOP Quotes

After the OKC bombing, Snoot was touring the rubble.
CNN caught up to him with a live camera.

A reporter asked him if he thought the bomber was reacting
to Waco and the media backlash of militia activity.

Snoot said:

"There's no excuse for an American to kill another American.
When we find this guy, he should get the death penalty."

Great GOP Quotes

"I love lawyers."
-- Danny the Scarecrow, July 1997

"I was out of the loop."
May, 1988

"I'm in on everything.
If our policies aren't working, I can't say
`Wait a minute, I'm not to blame,' because I'm a full partner."
August, 1988

-- George Bush, wishing he could have it both ways...

As you know, RL-LNW is written for adults.

Specifically, adults with brains who follow politics and humor.
We don't recommend it for small children, but we can assume
RL-LNW has at least ONE 11-year old female subscriber.

Did you hear this exchange on Fuzzball's show?

In the third hour, the first call up was an 11 year-old boy.
He said he thought banning Joe Camel was a good idea,
because Joe Camel made him think smoking was cool.
Even though he, personally, hasn't tried cigarettes,
his peer group did, and they were cool dudes.

Rush tried again and again to get the kid to say Joe Camel
wasn't effective with kids, but the kid held his ground.
Rush Limba - "Master of Debate," couldn't outwit the schoolboy,
so he went to a commercial...

Now, fasten your seatbelts...
This is killer!

Unbelievably, a SECOND 11 year-old,
this time a GIRL named Suzi, gets on.

Rush: Suzi, do you like Joe Camel?

Suzi: Yeah, kinda...

Rush: Do you think Joe Camel is cool?

Suzi: Uhm... maybe...

Rush: Why do you like Joe Camel?

Suzi: Uhm... He's kind of sexy...

Rush: (startled, but ditto-thinking ahead...)
Suzi, do your friends think Joe Camel is sexy, too?

Suzi: ...Uhmmm, maybe...

Rush: What's sexy about Joe Camel?

Suzi: I don't know...

Rush: Suzi, Joe Camel isn't even the biggest selling cigarette.
Did you know that?

Suzi: No...

Rush: The biggest selling cigarette in the world is Marlboro.
Have you ever heard of the Marlboro Man?

Suzi: Yes, I've heard of him.

Rush: Isn't he kind of sexy, too?

Suzi: No, he's DEAD!
HE DIED FROM CIGARETTES!!!

I thought I would fucking die - Fucking DIE, I tell you!
I'm driving 65 mph on Oklahoma 169 when I heard it.
Seriously,... I'm lucky to be alive.
It's hard to drive when your eyes are flooded with tears.

Some 11 year-old girl, busting the lying-nazi-whore's balls,
with an autographed, BartCop Louisville Slugger!!
This ranks with the time I made G. Gordon Liddy dance the
fucking mambo LIVE, for 12 million listeners in 1995.
(audiotape available)

Here, we had a BartCop staple, thrown in BaconBoy's face
by a female child who he couldn't attack personally.
What's he going to do?
Call the 11 year-old girl a feminazi?
Accuse her of falling victim to Clinton's "arousal gap?"

So, how did the King of Debate escape his big screw up?

"I... I... I'm... I'm late for a commercial.
Back in a minute."

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