We have a new e-mail address:
We also can report a HUGE promotion from Yahoo.
Now, you punch in "Rush Limbaugh" and RL-LNW is THIRD!
It's even the FIRST Site match on their search engine.
F-ing third, right on the opening page.
Go ahead, try it.
Minimize this screen, hit www.yahoo.com and there we are.
When a ditto-monkey punches in "Rush Limbaugh,"
...if he reaches forward,
...if he even TOUCHES that mouse,
he'll be staring at the wool-free truth.
That means Rush HAS to know about us.
You know Ego-Boy pays people to search for his name
on the web to see what people are saying about him.
I wonder how/when his cabanaboys broke the news to him?
Hey, Cowardly Lyin'
Why don't you open your phones and let FREE SPEECH in?
Liddy's phones are open, why aren't yours?
Oh, I forgot.
Liddy has an education.
Now, sheep worldwide might actually see a critic.
Can they survive a little criticism?
Twenty-four countries, half-a-thousand subscribers,
and up to 66,500,000 readers worldwide.
Fatboy, I'm on your cyst, ...I mean tail.
I got a subpoena from "The Tennessee Tuxcedo Committee."
(Why don't they know how to spell tuxedo?)
Someone sent a videotape to Tennessee Tuxedo's committee.
The tape shows ol' BartCop having a good time in Las Vegas.
(See RL-LNW Volume 94)
There's a lot I don't remember about that trip, but on the
tape it shows me giving handfulls of campaign cash to
scantilly-clad cocktail waitresses at the Rio Casino.
The most damning evidence is the cash smelled like chickens!
You'd think goddamn Tyson would be smart enough to launder
his illegal cash to the White House, but nooooooooooooooo.
I told that idiot Fowler to air out the cash before he sent it.
The good news is, the chicken smell is undetectable on the tape.
The subpeona says I must be available on October 16th.
Mother-F-er, I'm available RIGHT NOW!
Come GIT me!
This is going to be a lot of fun.
BartCop, live on C-Span and CNN.
And, I swear, the first time a committee member asks me a
really stupid question, or God forbid, quotes El Grande Puerca,
I'm going to whip it out and demand some dittohead.
Several members of the committee are on the RL-LNW mailing list,
so they must know what they're in for.
I can't wait.
OK, let's get this Promise Keepers thing out of the way:
BIG rally in Washington D.C.
When Louis Farrakhan held his Million Man March, 870,000
tokens went into the Washington subway system.
For the Promise Keepers, there were 660,000 tokens.
Rush says "The tokens are lying."
Rush said the REAL reason liberals dislike the
Promise Keepers is because liberals are "anti-goodness."
Have you ever heard such raw bullshit in your entire life?
Rush says "There's a panic and hysteria amongst the
liberals about this Promise Keepers rally."
Gee, Rush, would that be similar to the "abject panic"
you said we showed a month before the 96 elections?
Bill McCartney is the Head Promise Keeper.
McCartney brags that he regularly fills stadiums with wealthy
white men who praise the Lord. Just this once, let's look at
this issue like Rush would - let's follow the money.
A typical stadium holds 50,000 people.
McCartney charges these white men $60 each to see God,
which is more than the Rolling Stones are charging.
(On Larry King, McCartney said the Lord personally attends
each Promise Keepers rally, but didn't say whether or
not the Lord has to pay the 60 bucks.)
Do the math: That's $3,000,000 per show.
Who gets that money?
The poor people in India?
The starving kids in Africa?
No, it goes into McCartney's pocket.
If McCartney does 3 shows a week, he's raking in almost a
half-BILLION per year, and if I know my I.R.S., the PK's
found a way to pretend this is a church, so it's TAX FREE!
By comparison, the Giver of Shade "only" makes $25,000,000.
You might think a half-billion dollars is a lot of money,
but don't forget: The Promise Keeper Czars have EXPENSES!
The big bosses have to fly to each rally, they have to rent
a car and they have to rent a hotel room and they have to
pay the printer for the "NO WOMEN ALLOWED" signs.
I made a few phone calls. McCartney can rent Busch Stadium
in St. Louis for $200,000, and that covers security and clean-up.
McCartney clears $2,800,000 from each show. That would be the
yearly salary of 100 ditto-monkeys making $28,000 per year,
and McCartney pockets that much after every show.
Why can't the ditto-sheep pray for free?
You know what thew difference is between praying and
going to church? I'll tell you: The collection plate.
Why can't they get together and pray locally?
They could listen to Dr. Laura Braun for the same message,
except for the "women are too stoopid" part.
Another thing, McCartney keeps saying he's not political.
If he's not political, why was the big rally held in DC?
Wouldn't it have been easier in Kansas City or St Louis?
Did he use "creation geography" to decide that Washington
was a centrally-located city that was easy to get to?
If the Promise Keepers dropped the "screw the gays" policy,
and agreed to move into the 20th Century concerning women,
...well, there's no sense finishing THAT sentence.
What would RL-LNW be without the GOP mailbag?
(This is actual e-mail, translated to English.)
Subject: Jesus Is Great
Hello, my name is Greg.
I am writing to let you share in the joy that I found in Jesus.
Till 8 months ago, I was stupid.
I drank, which caused family, financial and emotional
After hitting rock bottom, I was alone and depressed.
When I sobered up, I realized that I needed Jesus Christ.
I got into AA and have been sober for eight months.
I found employment at a local fast food establishment.
I am now spreading the teachings of Jesus.
(What kind of spreader are you using?)
It's hard to spread the word of Jesus and make
at the same time. I'm asking for help. Even a small token of
your support in the amount of a dollar would be greatly
appreciated, thus allowing me to strengthen my relationship
with God and help others do the same.
Send donations to me at:
5491 Beechmont Ave.
Cincinnati, Ohio 45230
(Hey, Weasel, ...Greet THIS!
You know, I have an IQ just under 60, but I can tell
you're lying to "thems more dumber than me."
I could spend my life taking advantage of idiot sheep with
IQ's even lower than mine, but what would be the point?
Cheeses H. Hype!
I have almost no morals, and am clearly YOUR moral superior,
which is almost as scary as President Dornan.
You stopped drinking?
When will you stop screwing the religiously insane?
What do you call a naked Promise Keeper on roller skates?
Memo From the RNC
To All Members:
Run, don't walk, to the nearest camera or microphone and
repeat the phrase "Janet Reno is acting like the defense
lawyer for Clinton and Gore" as many times as possible.
Use that phrase over and over and over and over and over
and over and over until you're a goddamn Smurf.
Who knows, maybe the sheep'll buy it.
That is all.
What's the diff between the Rolling Stones and the Chicago Bears?
The Stones got in the end zone at Soldier Field.
Subject: Whose the nazi?
i just came across you web page there is a jenuwin
monger their read it closly if see you can figure out
im not as dumb as you think i
on a boat,
What do you call two Promise Keepers in a canoe?
Subject: Re: RL-LNW Volume 103
From: email@example.com (Charlie Ambrosi)
Oh LOOK!!! It's our old freind BartCop.
Still obsesed with LIMBUGH, BartCop??
I see you've moved to Sientology-owned ISP, Mindspring!
How APPROPACRIATE that you one who has been BRAIN-DEAD for
low these many years should gravetate to an ISP oned and
operated by the most BRAIN-DEAD cult in HISTORY
Do you believe in XEMU, BartCop?
Got your E-METER yet?
How are your THETANS doing??
Thanks for reminding me to put "mindspring.com" in my killfile.
Get a *LIFE* BartCop!
Your old Prodigy freind,
Charles Courtney Ambrose
Mindspring.com is owned by the Scientologists?
Did the Scientologists sell weapons to the Ayatollah?
That was Ronald "Red-Ink" Reagan.
By the way, I forget.
Who owns the Washington Times?
What do you call a Promise Keeper with one testicle?
I'm getting pretty goddamn tired of hearing Republicans say
"The Democrats have all fled to China."
First of all, if Webb Hubbell and Jim McDougal went to China,
that might mean something. They're from Arkansas.
But if a Chinese man goes home for a visit, he's "fleeing?"
Fatboy keeps asking "Name a Republican who fled to China,"
as if the GOP allowed minorities in their party.
That's the best joke in this issue.
Love That GOP Mail
You are really fucked, in my opinion.
(No spelling mistakes.
Did you go to Catholic school?)
Blast From the Past
Ralph Reed, last Friday night on HBO, said:
"The other night I had to spank my two-year old SIX TIMES
to get him to stay in his room. It was dark, and he was
scared and he wanted the lights on, so I had to spank him
again and again to finally get him to stop. It's hard to
work when a two-year old is screaming his head off."
So, you're two years old, afraid of the fucking dark and
God's hand-picked messenger is kicking the shit out of you?
God, seriously, thank you.
Thank you for the wonderful parents you gave me.
What do you call a Promise Keeper with a cocaine problem?
Friday, a liberal got past Bo Snerdly and STUCK old Porky!
First, he went into a pretend ditt-rant about how his wife
went scooters after reading some "feminazi" articles.
Rush was very interested in this... this "proof" that anything
related to equality for women will destroy a marriage.
After the guy talked for a while, he said,
"By the way, did you cry when the Dunkin Donut man died?"
Rush, you big, fat, deserves-everything pig.
Swear to Koresh,
Puerca says "What? ...Died? ...who...?"
Porky ate it, live on his own radio show.
Ate it, I tell you.
Poor Fat Bastard.
He didn't get the goddamn joke, so he asks the guy to REPEAT it!
The caller thought he'd be thrown off right away, so he was
startled when Fatboy asked him to slash him a second time.
The caller couldn't believe his luck.
"Did you cry when the Dunkin Donut man died?" he asked again.
...I didn't even know the guy!" whaled Limba.
Not only was he rubbing the big bully's nose in dogshit,
the big bully asked him if he'd please do it again!
So the guy REPEATS the donut joke, and Porky STILL doesn't
understand that he's playing the fool for 4 million sheep.
Eventually, a staffer handed Rush a note telling him to dump
the guy because he was rubbing his nose in it, so it FINALLY
dawns on Rush that he's been made into the big, fat tool.
He stammered a minute, then suggested the guy
"might want to get a brain transplant."
Sharp comeback, Moby.
Why the slow-witted response?
Is the auto-slur broke?
Poor, stupid Nazi bastard.
Remember, if you can stay on more than 10 seconds or so,
they HAVE to let the call play or explain why the caller
was too much for ol' "Half-My-Brain" to handle.
The Dunkin Donut man died....
What do you call a Promise Keeper whose Mother
was a Dirty Lie, and whose father was a Racial Slur?
Not only was Pat Robertson's wife pregnant when they married,
but his son inherited the insanity gene from him.
The House voted 415-2 to reject a proposal by Jesse Helms,
(Caveman - NC) to put the interests of big tobacco ahead
of American veteran's claims against Iraq's frozen assets.
If you know of a bigger asshole, please contact RL-LNW.
Subject: Your Rush Page
I was surfing through various Limbaugh pages and found you.
I was LMAO, then I saw "BartCop" and remembered you from
YEARS AGO on Prodigy, when you used to make mincemeat
out of those Dittiots over there.
I think you called it "shearing the sheep."
"...Rush, you're the greatest man who ever lived,
you're the smartest, most humble and great man who/"
...this is Sally Airhead, live in the KRMG newsroom.
We interrupt the Rush Limba show for a live, breaking story.
We go now to Sam Donaldson at the ABC news desk in New York
for a live bulletin concerning the mystery witness in the
fatal car crash that killed Lady Di.
Come in, Sam.
This is Sam Donaldson, live in New York with this Special
Bulletin on breaking news: "The Death of Lady Diana."
The only survivor of the fatal crash that took Lady Diana
from us is awake and talking to French authorities.
We go now to Pierre Salinger in Paris for the very latest
on the only survivor of the fatal crash that killed Lady Di
in the subterranean tunnels only a month ago.
Speculation is rampant that this eyewitness may provide
police with details about whether the Frence photographers
played any role in the "Death of a Princess."
Come in, Pierre!
Sam, this is Pierre Salinger, speaking to you LIVE with an
ABC News exclusive concerning late-breaking news surrounding
the death of the most admired woman of this century, and what
role the French Papparazzi played, or didn't play,
in the "Death... of a Princess."
For the just-breaking story, we go to Philipe Genet,
who has just talked to a French detective who talked to
the only survivor of the most famous car wreck in history.
Now, with the ABC News exclusive, come in Philipe!
Pierre, this is Philipe Genet, reporting live on this
just-now breaking story concerning the sole living witness to
the most important accident in the history of the automobile.
The guy doesn't remember a goddamn thing.
...back to you, Pierre.
Thanks, Philipe Genet, live from downtown Paris.
There, you have it, Sam.
The story that ABC News broke exclusively.
The bodyguard is a blank slate.
Thanks, Pierre, live from Paris, France.
This is Sam Donaldson at the ABC news desk in New York.
Be sure to watch our special 20/20 about this breaking event,
and later, a special Nightline about this important story.
Stay with ABC News and the ABC News team for the very latest
in this breaking event. Thanks for listening to ABC News.
More people listen to ABC News than any other source.
ABC News, the choice of most Americans.
We now return to regular programming.
This is Sally Airhead in the KRMG newsroom with a recap:
The dude doesn't know shit.
We'll continue to break into live programming for more
news-making events as they occur. Stay tuned to KRMG for
the important news that affects your daily lives.
We now return you to Rush Limba, in progress.
"...your greatness, your humility and your open-mindedness..."
What do you call an uncircumcized Promise Keeper?
Subject: Your a Dipp-Shit
I'ts not very often I read somethingas ignoranc
write keep it up as it helps show other liberals how how
ignoranc and brainless liberalism really is
I KNOW there's a killer joke here,
but my mind is quayling on me.)
What do you call a Promise Keeper who blows air through a hole in his back?
He did it again...
Paul Harvey was looking for something to whine about,
so he went after the memory of guitar legend Jimi Hendrix.
They recently had an auction in London, and one of the
items for sale was Jimi's black Telecaster.
Harvey the Whore said "They thought they'd get a lot of
money for the guitar, but they got NOWHERE NEAR the price
they wanted, so they withdrew the guitar from the auction."
A few days later in USA Today, they gave the figures.
They expected to get about $180,000 for the guitar.
The top bid was $160,000.
Don't you have a horse to molest or something?
They say newspaper tycoon Rupert Murdoch was the single,
biggest buyer of Papparazi photos of the now-dead princess.
Yet this swine, the biggest owner of all the trash tabloids
in the world has hardly been mentioned in the news reports.
Rupert Murdock, Snoot's bribe-buddy, is a slimeball.
Did you know, if you shoot Rupert Murdoch in the ass,
you have to be careful not to hit Snoot in the lips?
Great GOP Quotes
"We worship our wives to the fullest. We worship them so much,
we don't want them to be burdened with having to make decisions.
So, if your wife dislikes a decision you, as a man, have made,
gently and tenderly tell her to fuck off."
-- Bill McCartney, not asking for much...
America almost had our own national tradegy.
Before I scare you too much...
Let me say that this story has a happy ending.
Dan Quayle, outdoorsman, was horseback riding alone.
He knew it was dangerous to ride alone, but Dan Quayle
just laughs at danger! He isn't your ordinary hero.
While riding alone, Dan lost his balance and fell...
This could've happen to anyone!
...as he fell, his boot got caught in the stirrup.
The horse continued to gallop at full speed,
giving the former Vice-President a terrible thrashing.
The following minutes were sheer panic for the former VP.
After an eternity of torture, he finally freed his foot
and a passerby rushed him to a hospital.
Dan Quayle, considered my most to be the Rosetta Stone of
political humor, is expected to recover. The broken clavicle,
the bruised sternum, the cracked ribs, the abrasions and
contusions should all, someday, heal for "Danny Crocket."
Though badly-bruised and beaten, he still considers himself
a very lucky man.
Who know how this terrible incident might've ended
if the check-out girl hadn't pulled the plug....
What do you call a Promise Keeper with a foot-long pianist?
Did you know almost three million people have died from
tobacco since 1990? But, we're not looking into the tens
of millions that BIG tobacco has funneled into the GOP.
We're holding hearings to find out which goddamn phones
were used when Clinton kicked Bob Dole's ass.
Why bother with 3,000,000 dead?
Bring on the Buddhist monks!
This just in...
Dan Burton's office claims they have a photograph showing
Bill Clinton in the Oval Office personally receiving a bag
of laundered money from Wo Fat.
McGarrett's on a plane as we speak...
Did you hear?
We lost former Oklahoma football Coach Bud Wilkinson.
As Bud arrived at the Pearly Gates, and they were wide open.
No angels, no St. Peter, no Tessio's men - nothing.
Bud walked in and looked around. It was quiet.
Clouds make good mufflers.
He heard some cheering in the distance and walked towards it.
As he got closer, he saw a football game in progress!
It was the Angels vs. the Devils.
This is perfect!
Bud Wilkinson gets to Heaven and finds a football game!
Thank God, he thought to himself.
Bud watches the game for awhile.
He notices an old, bearded man on the sidelines.
The old man had "BS" on his t-shirt.
He appeared to be the coach of the Angels.
Bud asked who the beared man was and the angel said,
"That's God. He thinks he's Barry Switzer."
Subject: What about Bill??
Reagan at least had a plausible excuse to forget about
arms deals...what about Bill and his dirty money?
tute your horn against the deceivers if you have the balls!
(Gunner, think about it:
Your "excuse" is that Reagan had lost his mind?
That's your defense?
Your side is crazy?
If I'm ever in trouble, don't help me, OK?)
Great GOP Quotes
"It was my decision, and I blew it."
-- George Herbert Traitor Butch, explaining Dan Quayle
You religious folk might want to read this sitting down...
A couple of weeks ago, on some NFL football game, players from
both teams knelt for a quick prayer after the game.
Good for them.
I think that's kinda cool that they did it.
They wanted to do it, they felt better afterwards.
Hey, I got a question.
Did you see Dieon Sanders thank God when he ran back that punt?
I hope I don't anger my agnostic/atheist friends,
but good for Dieon and his God.
Liberals don't care if Dieon thanks his God after a play.
Liberals are PRO-religious freedom, more than the zealots.
You might ask what God has against Chicago, tho.
Did God blind the ref so he wouldn't see that clip?
Or is He just a Cowboy fan?
Wouldn't that be considered "abuse of power?"
Why didn't He hear the prayers of the Bear's fans?
But, back to the athlete prayer.
Listen Up, you ditto-sheep.
They weren't REQUIRED to attend.
Do you know the difference between REQUIRED and come ifuwanna?
If it's voluntary, even ol' BartCop gives you his blessing.
If you want to worship a rabbit's foot,
or the setting sun,
the letter "G"
or a rattlesnake in Jim Inhofe's district.
I don't care.
Do I think God hears your prayers?
Do I think you're wasting your time?
Should you have the right to pray?
Did anyone EVER try to take away your right to pray?
I'm PRO-religious freedom.
Show me a sheep who will say the same thing.
Ralph Reed says Jews shouldn't hold political office.
Does that sound like freedom to you?
We only ask that the prayer not be government-forced.
I'd think you militia sheep would enjoy the federal butt-out.
Since it's something YOU like,
you think it oughta be a federal goddamn law?
Why am I the ONLY one who can understand this?
Prayer should NOT be backed by tanks.
Repeat - for the Republicans who are trying.
Prayer should NOT be backed by tanks.
The official BartCop policy is that any American can be as
insane as he or she wants to be. That's their right.
Just don't DICTATE a prayer for captive children.
What part of "Let me pick my own God" don't you understand?
Have you ever noticed how much George Butch looks like
Frank Burns on M.A.S.H.?
Have you ever noticed, since she's straightened her hair,
how much Paula Jones looks like Marilyn Manson?
Did you hear about this guy?
Tom Passmore was working at his construction job when, for no
goddamn reason, he hallucinated that his right hand had the
numbers "666" on it, so he did what ANY good Christian would do:
He cut the offending hand off with a power saw.
His co-workers immediately put the hand on ice and rushed it
and Nutboy to the hospital in his pickup. Doctors prepared
for surgery, but this religio-bonehead refused to let them
re-attach the hand, quoting Scripture.
Passmore recalled the Bible passage that says:
"If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it."
Isn't that a stupid thing to put in a book that millions
of people are going to take, literally, as "gospel?"
I mean, C'mon...
Where's the responsibility here?
So, the doctors tried to convince him to allow them to do
the surgery, but Nutboy said it was his right to refuse,
since the hand violated his religious beliefs.
His decision over-ruled the doctors.
Now, a year later, Nutboy is suing the hospital and the
doctors for NOT re-attaching his hand, saying the doctors
should HAVE KNOWN he was psychotic and incapable of making
an informed decision about his well-being.
A religio-wacko capable of making an informed decision?
I have $1,000 that says such a person doesn't EXIST.
I figured the guy would be laughed out of court.
After all, a doctor can't force his opinion on a patient.
But, they say the guy still might win.
His attorneys say hospital personnel should've known he was
insane after seeing the "Dole Can Win!" sticker on his truck.
... a settlement is in the works.
Great Democrat Quotes
"So WHAT if Al Gore DID make a few campaign phone calls.
He wasn't selling arms to Iran, now WAS he?"
-- Roy Neel, former Gore aide on This Week 9/21
(I think we can assume Mr. Neel reads RL-LNW.
How can the GOP scream "illegal phone calls" when they cheered
Reagan/Butch for selling Stinger Missles to Islamic Jihad?)
Subject: going to hell
you're langage is a dead giveaway of your ignorants clinton is
a liar and and cheet the only thing he is going for him is good
looks there is such a thing as abstaining from sex but I guess
a liberall like you with no moral standards would not entertane
such a a thing whtsa wrong with you
How long since you got any?)
This Breaking News...
Ladies and Gentlemen, RL-LNW On-Line Magazine has documents
that prove Bill McCartney doesn't own the Promise Keepers!
A check with the Delaware Secretary of State proves the REAL
owner of Promise Keepers is Jimmy Swaggart!
Jimmy has the names and addresses of all the men who say
they're married to "submissive" women.
So, while the men are on the bus going to the big rally,
Jimmy Swaggert visits various homes with his camcorder,
dominating the weak Republican women.
Great GOP Quotes
"We're going to clean house at the top in Washington."
-- Pat Robertson, 9/14/97, telling Snoot he's gone.
Subject: RL-LNW Volume 103
LIBERLE SOCIALIST PIGG YOURE DEMOCRATIC
SOCIULISTS JUST ARE ARE TRYING TO GET YOURE MONEY
(Jon, I agree.
Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not going to use it?
...and are you really on intel.nett?)
The Leader of the Republican Party is a Racist Bully.
Rush, that is.
Fat Bastard has spent a lot of time lately making fun
of the way Jocelyn Elders's pronounces Eric Clapton's name.
His race-baiting voice drips with the illusion of confidence
a caveman might get from the idea of "white supremacy."
You know, Dr. Elders doesn't work for "Rolling Stone."
She doesn't work for "Spin," or "K-ROCK," you rat bastard.
Why is a medical doctor SUPPOSED to know Clapton's name?
Why should an elderly medical professional even be familiar
with the correct prounciations of English guitar players?
Besides Elders being black, what's the point?
There's no humor there, besides the race joke,
and it wasn't even meant as humor.
It was meant to ridicule a black woman.
I mean, c'mon.
Who's more stupid than a woman?
A nigger woman.
THAT'S the message Rush is sending.
The decent Republicans see it as harmless fun,
but the McVeighs and the KKK see their hero in action.
Tell it like it is, Rush!
Jocelyn Elders is such a loser.
She's SO stupid, she doesn't even know Clapton's name.
She's so stupid, we should hate her.
It's OK to hate a nigger like Elders, right?
Isn't that your message, Rush?
A nigger with a uterus?
Could it get any worse?
Thank God we have the COURAGE to listen to Limbaugh.
Sure, go ahead, Rush.
A dumb nigger bitch who can't pronounce Eric Clapton's
name MUST have been put on Earth by God for you to ridicule.
THAT way, we can feel better about ourselves, right Rush?
Forget that Dr. Elders finished college AND medical school.
Listen to the overweight, nazi-bastard-dropout, instead.
All those years of getting beat up for being the biggest
prick in high school are coming back, aren't they, Rush?
Go ahead, Rush, use bigotry and racial hate to get even.
Controvery sells, doesn't it, Rush?
RL-LNW isn't very funny, and it's not very well-written,
and nutritional content is zero, but it's free.