Vol 119 - Pandora's Mouth

Risky Limba Quotes

"If I'm wrong about Clinton and Kathleen Willey.....
...I'll be
...I'll be just
...I'll be just as entertained as I can be."

-- Careful, Limba. You're waaaaaaaay out on a limb, there.

This just in...

According to CNN, Kathleen Willey is charging Ed Bradley
of 60 Minutes with sexual harassment. She says he put her
hand on his "erect manhood," but CNN says that can't be true.

Ed Bradley, like the rest of the 60 Minutes Gang, had a peckerectomy in 1979.

The political newsgroups are buzzing with the allegation that Sandy Hume,
son of Fox TV whore Brit Hume, committed suicide because the news was about
to break that he and Bill Paxon were having a homosexual affair.

Days after the suicide, Bill Paxon, once considered the likely successor
to Squeaker Gingrich's two faces, resigned unexpectedly from Congress.
Paxon has an arranged marriage with Suzie Creamcheese Molinari.
I say "arranged marriage" because they don't even live together.
Paxon lives in Buffalo, Creamcheese lives on Staten Island.


Since RL-LNW doesn't deal in unsubstantiated innuendo,
we will not even mention this matter.

After all, we are NOT the Drudge report.


Why did Sandy Hume commit suicide?
Why did Paxon resign?
If Paxon is gay, who fathered Molinari's daughter?

Since RL-LNW doesn't deal in unsubstantiated innuendo,
we won't get into those questions, either, but we know something's
going on because Suzie switched from Creamcheese to cold cream.

Y'know, the whores of the right are being so, ...whorish,

Let's say 4 women from the 'hood all get together and tell the cops
that Mr. Wilson, the hardware store owner, grabbed their ass.
Why would they lie?

My first guess would be that Mr. Wilson was guilty.

But, if a woman says Bill Clinton did her wrong,
Richard Mellon Scarfe will give her $300,000.

If he won't, Rubert Murdoch will.
If he won't, The National Star will.
If he won't, Pat Robertson will.
If he won't, the Weakly Standard will.
If he won't, Bob Guccione will.
If he won't, the Rutherford Prostitute will.

Bottom line?

The RNC is VERY pissed off about the last two elections.
They have tens of millions of hate-dollars to build a fire.

They can alllllll have me for dinner.

Great GOFP Quotes

"Since Governor Clinton exposed himself,
  I've had an aversion to sex."

--Paula Jones, whose nose gets longer every day

(Uh, Paula...
 I think it's your husband that has the aversion to sex.)

Rush Slips to No. 3 in Total Listeners

Rush Limbaugh is no longer the most-listened-to talk host in America,
according to Talkers Magazine, the trade publication of talk radio.

They say the long-time leader has slipped to third behind Dr. Laura
and King-of-All-Media shock-jock Howard Stern.

Talkers says weekly listenership for Dr. Meng is 18 million.
Stern has 17.5 million and the Lying, Nazi Whore clocks in at 17 million.

(...we might have to change this to LS-LNW)

Swear to Vern

The local Rush AM radio affiliate says Gennifer Flowers was paid $500,000
to testify in the Paula Jones extortion lawsuit against our president.
Is that legal?

And how many ways are there to say "whore?"

I have a question:

Let's say you have son who is six years old.

You just got a call from your wife and your son has been hit by a car.
You rush to the hospital and they say your son is near death.
His aorta is torn, and it'll take a miracle to save him.

There's good news and bad news:

The good news?
The best cardiac surgeon in America is on duty and wants to operate.

The bad news?

Paula Jones claims the surgeon exposed himself to her in 1991,
but she'll go away if you give her $750,000 and a Hollywood job.

What's your decision?

Do you let the expert save your son?

Or do you want Dr. Dole, who's never done the operation in his life,
to try to sew your son's heart back together?

The only reason I'm asking,

...is because some people say character is everything.

Great GOFP Quotes

"I wasn't in that room five minutes,
 and I was disgusted at what he did."
-- Paula

"She was in there for a half hour or more.
 When she came out, she asked if she could be the Governor's regular whore."
-- Paula's own witness, Trooper Danny Ferguson

"Your honor, my witness is a liar."
-- Paula

The Liddy Show wants out

From: Potent357@aol.com
The G. Gordon Liddy Show

Subject: Re: RL-LNW Vol 118

Please remove this addrsss from your mailing list.
We would appreciate it.


The G. Gordon Liddy Show

(Well, maybe his spelling isn't what it used to be, but Mr. Liddy DOES
have manners. He failed to put "Nancy Reagan" in the subject line,
which ordinarily would mean another year of LNW in his mailbox,
but since the request was hate-free, AND included the word "please,"
I have decided to be nice and terminate his subscription.
It's the only honorable thing to do.

Plus, Liddy has a black belt and could squash me like a bug.

Liddy might be a right-wing gun-nut, but he DOES take calls
from liberals, and he allows them to speak without smirking
and shouting them down and cutting them off like Limba does.

Gordon, for a bad guy, you have honor.

Prick Talk

Paula Jones says Clinton has an odd-looking penis.


Gennifer Flowers claims she had a TWELVE-YEAR affair with Clinton,
and I heard her tell Liddy that Clinton's penis is normal.

Gee, it's almost like one of them is lying.

It's almost like the whole POINT is to get Clinton to whip it out,
so they can get a photo of his cock for Time and Newsweek,
so they can whine about how he's debased the presidency.

Why am I the only one who sees these things?

Newsweek reviewed the movie "Primary Colors" about Clinton.
They called it "a work of art."

...does that mean Clinton was caught selling Stingers to Hezbollah?
If he was, I'll turn on that son-of-a-bitch in a heartbeat.

Nobody likes a traitor.

The Liddy Show wants back in...

From: Potent357@aol.com

Subject: Re: RL-LNW Vol 118

I have absolutely nothing against your magazine.

We have just devided to eliminate all multi-recipient messages
as they are usually things we can't use on the show
(e.g. jokes of the day, "Clinton body count," etc)

I would like to still get anything original you produce,
just please send it to our show as a separate missive.


The G. Gordon Liddy Show

(Didn't I always say My-Man Liddy had balls?
 Rush reads my newsletter and beats his kids.
 Liddy reads it, laughs, and asks for more.

Gordon, you're no Limba.
ha ha

For true,
If I ever had to do hard time,
I'd want a cellmate like G. Gordon Liddy.
For the intelligent conversation, to be sure...
...but mostly for the fact that he wouldn't want to rape me.

As a liberal, I'll say a LOT of bad things about Mr. Head Shots,
but unlike Rush Limba, "likely-to-engage-in-Butt-Bongo" isn't one of them.

Plus, after our battles, I can say he's a good loser.

Slayer of Liddy

Stupid-Ass Nazi Quotes

"They say Chelsea is actually Web Hubbell's daughter."

-- Fatboy, dropping 20,000 fathoms deeper...

(Gee, what a classy thing to broadcast to 4,000,000 ditto-monkeys.
The "White House Dog" wasn't bad enough?

Can you believe Republicans worship this son-of-a-bitch?

I've just seen a rough draft of Bob Bennett's closing argument
in the upcoming Paula Jones circus trial.

Bennett plans to put a large photograph of Paula's face on an easel,
point it towards the men of the jury and giggle for ten minutes.

More Proof

This Kathleen Willey thing has me suspicious.

She pointed out
something that Newsweek pointed out,
something that Time pointed out,
something that a certain lyin, Nazi whore pointed out:

The American people want proof, right?

Well, Kathleen
and Newsweek
and Time
and The Whore allllllll say they can PROVE her charges are true,
and here's how:

Kathleen says the day Clinton raped her,
Lloyd Bentsen was in the hall as she escaped from her attacker.

A check through Lloyd Bentsen's appointment book shows he WAS at
the White House that day, that would prove Clinton was guilty beyond all doubt, right?
So I guess all we need to do is find a tree.

I mean, after all, if she claimed Bentsen was there that day,
...and he was,
what more proof can you Clinton-apologists need?

Get a rope.

Great GOFP Quotes

"Since Governor Clinton exposed himself,
 I've had an aversion to sex."
  --Paula Jones,

But, Paula, does that mean your kids are adopted?
Or is this another "virgin birth" episode?

Our old friende Dan Qualye was on Meet the Whore Sunday.

Danny had a question for Bill Clinton:

"Mr. President, why won't you go on TV and explain every detail about Monica Lewinsky?
 If you've got nothing to hide, go on TV and just answer every question."

Remember Iran-Contra?

I do.

Remember what Reagan said when the press asked him to explain
why he sold Stinger missles to Islamic Jihad?

Reagan said "I can't talk about it, but when this investigation is over,
                    YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SHUT ME UP!!!"

But, when the investigation was over, all Reagan could say
was a very lame "I don't know anything about anything."
That's a little different than "You can't shut me up."

Maybe it wasn't Reagan's fault, due to that awful disease,
...but why did we elect a non-thinker to be president?

...and maybe it's not the Indiana Spud's fault,
because he's dumber than all the curdled milk in Phoenix,
but why's he on TV demanding answers that his hero refused to give?

Great Dole Quotes

"Outside the realm of politics ...with families ...and churches.
 That's where it belongs."

--Pro-Choice Robin Dole, Bob's abandoned daughter,
on how her opinion on abortion differs from her father.

Rush always says to "Follow the money."

If we follow the money to Kathleen Willey,
we see $3,000,000 of it trying to come from a book deal,
and we see $300,000 of it trying to come from Star magazine.

Remember, nobody will pay for a story about the hardware man...

Great Squeaker Quotes

"You men have gone a good thing, a good thing for your country."
--Snoot, talking to the troopers who now admit they were lying.

I visited the #politics chat room on EFnet.

Vern, they have some strange people there.
Not surprisingly, they were 95 percent ditto-monkeys.

It was so frustrating.

When I mentioned Iran-Contra, they said it never happened.
When I said Reagan testified "I can't remember," 57 times
at his deposition, they said he was NEVER called to testify.

When I said Ollie Traitor sold Stinger missles to Islamic Jihad,
they said Islamic Jihad had no connection to Iran,
and that I should "come back to Earth."

Vern, that's frustrating.

Of course, they were all grabbing each other's ass with "dittos"
at the "slam-dunking" I was taking, and it almost made me blow chunks.
...which reminds me of Rush's "ditto-only" policy.

A bad idea can grow if it's kept in the dark like a fucking mushroom.

Rush says "Clinton destroyed America's economy,"
and since he has no guests, and refuses to accept un-screened calls,
well-meaning, but ignorant listeners come to the conclusion
that America is worse off for having Clinton drive the bus.

Y'know, when I was a little kid, maybe 12 or 13 years old,
I thought of a tactic I called the "boat technique."

The boat techinique is a situation you have when two people
are in a row boat in the center of a small lake.

Let's say it's me and you in a small row boat,
in the center of a very calm lake,
and we're waiting for some fish to bite.

Now, I say "Tampa is the capitol of Florida."
You say, "No, Tallahassee is the capitol of Florida."

I say, "No, TAMPA is,"
and you say, "No, it's Tallahassee."

Then I lie and say I grew up in Tampa, and that I'm 1,000,
percent certain that Tampa is the capitol of Florida, and only
an idiot would DARE to disagree, because I have talent on loan from God.

And, since we're in a boat in the center of a lake,
we can't get to a phone,
we can't get to a newspaper,
we can't get to a library, or even ask a passerby what the capitol
of Florida is because we're in a boat on the lake.

So, you're correct, Oh Mighty Maja-Rushie.
Tampa is the capitol of Florida, after all.

(Mind you, I was twelve when I blew the lid off this Nazi scam.)

So... here we are in 1998, and Rush has his ditto-monkeys who
get ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL their "facts" and "news" from Limba.
Limba uses that "boat technique" to screw with ditto-monkey minds.

When was the last time a ditto-monkey checked a Limba "fact?"
Why bother?
Rush is God.
He's America's Truth Detector.

He fucking SAID SO, for those who need proof.

Rush can lie like a Persian rug all day long,
and ditto-monkeys will suck it up like a Lewinsky.

Great Democrat Quotes

"Republicans are a dysfunctional family.
Some are moderate, some are extremist.
Both have their hands on the steering wheel,
and pretty soon they will drive into a tree."

-- DNC Political Director Jill Alper

That giant asteroid that was going to destroy Earth?

NASA says it's not going to happen.
The story was false.

The media was just whoring for ratings.

Those militia nuts in Nevada with the anthrax?
Turns out it was a vial of anthrax vaccine.
The story was false.

The media was just whoring for ratings.

What's the approval rating on media whores these days?
Is it higher than the Squeaker's ratings?

I won't even mention the Paula Jones/Kenny Starr circus.

The press whores LOVE this story.
Then, they have the gall to say,
"Clinton needs to talk about Monica, and tell us everything,"
 because they have nothing to whore on a daily basis.

Walter Shapiro of USA TODAY says he's TIRED of hearing
congressmen say,   "We'll have to wait until the story unfolds."
Shapiro, you, Sir, are a whore.

If Clinton says ANYTHING, you ratings-hungry bitches will
stop the goddamn presses, no matter what, and get on TV
and whine about how much you HATE to bring us this story.

Did you see the round table on Larry King last Friday?
Mrs. BartCop made me change the channel because I kept
throwing my shoes at the TV yelling "Whores! Whores!"

Bob Scheiffer kept saying how "incredible" and "news-worthy"
the Kathleen Willey interview was going to be.

Gee, I guess it's just some wild coincidence that Bob Sheiffer
works for CBS, and CBS's 60 Minutes had the interview!!!!!!!!!

Yep, this isn't about ratings.
It's about honesty, integrity, accuracy and truth.

...because money doesn't matter in America,
...in America, money is number two,

Truth is number One.

Great GOFP Quotes

"I'm fed up with what's happened to the truth in this country."

-- El Puerca Chupacabra, EIB

Rush said something TRUE the other day,
and I'm NOT making this up.

Rush said,
"Many Americans would rather have Bill Clinton in the White House
with alllllll his sexual problems, than a conservative Republican."

This is true.

No matter how many wild claims we hear about Bill Clinton,
his poll numbers stay higher than Reagan's or Butch's.

I'm going to get arrogant and say something about why he's so popular.

...and you all know, when BartCop says something,
there's really nothing left to be said on the subject.


Bill Clinton is Hawkeye Pierce.

The American voter is Henry Blake.
Kenneth Starr is Frank Burns.
The Grand Old Fascist Party is Hot-Lips Hoolihan,
and Monica Lewinsky is a nurse at the M*A*S*H unit.

(Just for kicks, we'll let Matt Drudge be Col. Flagg.)

So, we have our cast.

Now, Frank and Hot-Lips want to know if Hawkeye got a BJ from the nurse.

Henry Blake suspects that Hawkeye DID get a BJ,
but Radar is yelling "Choppers!"

Frank and Hot Lips DEMAND that Hawkeye be put in the brig.
But if he's in the brig, who will operate on the dying men?

It's Henry Blake's opinion that whatever horseplay Hawkeye gets into,
he's too valuable to be in the brig when there's work to be done.

On top of everything else,
if a nurses denies she had sex with Hawkeye,
Frank Burns says he'll put her in the brig.
Not only her, but everyone in her tent.

And if she agrees to say they had sex with Hawkeye,
Frank gives her and her tent buddies a 3-day pass to Seoul.
Henry Blake sees what's happening, and he's not fooled.

...and THAT'S why Hawkeye's approval ratings are so high.

He's the best surgeon we've ever had.

(Please forward that to a friend.)

ha ha

All week, Rush has been saying that Clinton's in real trouble now,
because Kathleen Willey is NOT a big-haired, trailer-tramp hick
who's money-grubbing for the right-wing wackos like Paula Jones is.

ha ha

by Kathleen Willey


Receptionist: Doubleday. May I help you?

Caller: I have an idea for a great book.
            Let me speak to an editor.

Receptionist: Hold on. You can speak to Mr. Grey.

Grey: Grey, here.

Caller: This is Kathleen Willey. I've been working at the
            White House for three years, and I have a book for you.
             I've seen awful, terrible behavior by Bill Clinton.

Grey: Good God.
           Can you come right over?

Willey: I can be there in 30 minutes.

Twenty minutes later....

Grey: Good to meet you, Miss Willey.
           Let's use this room. It's a secure area.
           OK, tell me what you have.

Willey: Not so fast. Let's talk cash.
             How much can I make if the book is a big success?

Grey: I'd say mid-six figures, from $400,000 to $750,000.
           That's IF your stuff is hot!

Willey: Wow! It is, Sir.
              I'm ready to talk.

Grey: So, what kind of stuff did you see?

Willey: It's terrible over there. I couldn't believe it.
             Those teenagers don't know what they're doing.
             Some of them wear their hair long!
             I thought I saw an earring on one guy.
             Imagine that!

Grey: What about Bill Clinton, personally?

Willey: Well, he eats like a horse.
             And Hillary!
             Whooo boy, does SHE have a temper.
             A few months ago, the chef served pork chops to the
             Isreali ambassador and Hillary threw a fit!
             She said the chef needed to "pay attention."
             These Clintons, they'll walk over anybody!

Grey: This is it? These are your startling revelations?

Willey: Well...there's MORE!
             They listen to the Rock and Roll.
             ...and the endless charades.
            Bill and Hillary often hold hands and hug when they're alone,
            just in case somebody suddenly walks in the room.
            They're so fake!

Grey: Willey, we need something HOT to make money.

Willey: What do you mean "hot?"

Grey: For instance, did Clinton ever screw around?

Willey: No, not that I know of...

Grey: You'd know if he did? For sure?

Willey: Of course.  I was there every day.

Grey: Did you ever see him enter a room with a woman?

Willey: No, not unless others were there, too.

Grey: Willey, that half a million dollars is starting
           to get up and walk away from you. Don't you want it?
           We can't sell books without dirt.
           Let's try it this way:
           Do you have kids?

Willey: Yes, two girls, 10 and 16 years old. Why?

Grey: Would you be willing to guarantee, on the lives of your kids,
           that Clinton never cheated since he's been in the White House?

Willey: Well...no, I can't be 1,000 percent certain of that.
             Jesus, I'd never risk my children's lives on...

Grey: Good!! Now we're onto something!

Willey: We are?

Grey: Have you ever heard any rumors that Clinton
           slept around as President?

Willey: Sure. David Brock used to say it all the time,
             at least, until his conscience started bothering him.

Grey: Good. We just might have a book here.
           This is going to work out wonderfully.

Willey: But Mr. Grey, it's not true.

Grey: Doesn't matter.
          With the Clinton's, we have a new way of reporting.
          You see, until 1992, we had a very strict policy:
          "Always get two sources."

           In 1993, we went to a "one source" policy.
           In 1994, we went to a completely new policy called
          "Fuck it. If we hear it, we print it."
           Hell, how do you think Paula Jones made her money?

Willey: You mean Paula Jones is lying?

Grey: Christ!
           Are you that stupid?

           Of COURSE Paula Jones is lying.
           What are you, kidding me?
           She made out like Jesse James, but ...back to you.
           What else do you have?
           Did Clinton ever make a pass at you?

Willey: Which one?

Grey: Ha ha
           Seriously, did Bill ever come on to you?

Willey: What?
             Oh, please.
             Get Real.

Grey: I AM real, Willey. I'm real ready to write you
          an advance check for $100,000 right now.

Willey: Fine, but Clinton coming on to me?
             In the Oval Office?
            Who'd buy it?

Grey: The red-meat crowd on the far-right, that's who.
           The Limba-Liddy-Ollie crowd.
           They'll buy fucking ANYTHING that's anti-Clinton.
           They'll buy it if YOU say it's true.
           You're a woman with credibility.

Willey: But it's NOT true.

Grey: Remember your kids.

Willey: I.... I... guess I'm in.
            When do we start?

Grey: First, you have to testify under oath.

Willey: Testify under oath? Why?

Grey: A couple of years ago, Agent Aldrich of the FBI came in here
           with a hot story about crimes INSIDE the White House,
           but after we published his book, he admitted he made it up.
           So we want your story under oath, so you can't change it later.

Willey: Can I get in trouble for lying under oath?

Grey: Relax.
           They NEVER arrest people for lying in a civil case.

Willey: How much will I get paid, and what do I have to say?

Grey: It depends on how much you want to make:
           Let's put together a list:
           If you only testify that Clinton said "Nice tits, baby,"
           I can't go any higher than $25,000.

Willey: I need a LOT more than that.

Grey: Good.
           If you testify that he kissed you against your will,
           I'll get you $75,000.

Willey: Keep going.
             My oldest daughter wants to go to Harvard.

Grey: Well... we're starting to get into the serious money.
           If you testify he grabbed your breasts, I'll go $100,000.
           If you say he put your hand on his crotch, I'll go $200,000.
           If you say he forced you to perform oral sex, I'll go half a million.
           If you say he raped you, I'll go 2 million.
           If you say he raped you in a Batman costume, I'll go 3 million.
           If you say he raped you in a Batman costume and made you bray
           like a donkey, I might go as high as 5 million dollars,
           but you gotta go on 60 Minutes and REALLY sell this story.

Willey: Can I mix and match?

Grey: What do you mean?

Willey: How 'bout we go with he kissed me, the hand-on-his-crotch thing,
             and he got grabby with my titties, say, for $300,000.

Grey: Call them "breasts," it sounds classier than "titties."
           Remember, you're not Paula Jones.
           ...and you're still going to have to testify AND go on 60 Minutes.

Willey: DEAL!
             Can you really get me on 60 Minutes?
             I heard they were a no-nonsense News magazine.

Grey: Ha ha, stop it.
           You're killing me, ha ha ha

Willey: Why are you laughing?

Grey: Ha ha, stop.
           Stop it, ha ha ha ha
          You're killing me, ha ha ha

Willey: How do we get started?

Grey: "We're" already done. Just sign these papers and
            our writers will start on your story.
            Good work, Willey.
            Your kids just got an education.

Willey: You don't want me to help write my own story?

Grey: Not necessary. All you have to do is memorize our story and testify
           for Judge Starr and go on 60 Minutes and swear everything is true.
           That....and go to the bank. Ha Ha.

Willey: Should I cry a lot on 60 Minutes?

Grey: Just go with whatever feels right at the time.
           Remember, your credibility is everything.

Willey: And you're sure this is legal and ethical?

Grey: I guarantee it's legal, honey.
           I'm an attorney.
           This is what I do for a living.

           As far as ethical, grow the hell up.
           We're the press.

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