Whose Blowjob Was It Anyway?
     By Christian Livemore

As the administration of the greatest president of our lifetime draws to a close,
I've been reflecting and trying to put things in perspective, and the thing that keeps
coming back into my mind is this: Bill and Monica.

What's the big fucking deal?

Upon recalling the GOP's cries of Clinton's immorality,
I ask the tried-and-true BartCop question:

Compared to who?

Let's face it: The Kennedy administration was one big booty call. He swam naked with
the White House interns, for God's sake. That place was like a French bedroom farce,
women in the shower, women under the bed.

Gene Tierney running out of one door, poor Jackie coming in another.
"Don't look in the closet, Marilyn Monroe's not in there!"

And nobody said one word.

What did George Bush have to say to quell rumours of his little 'guma'--
"That's a vulgar question, and I'm not going to answer it." End of story.

Now stick with me, I'm getting to something.

Now poor Bill, on the other hand, just looking for a little relief from
what might be considered a high-stress job.

Now I've done the math.

He got, what 15 blowjobs from Monica, right?
And the Starr investigation has cost approximately 50 million dollars, right?

Well, that, ladies and gentlemen, shakes out at $3,333,333 per blowjob.

Who paid for these blowjobs?
Bill Clinton?
No.
Bill Clinton doesn't have to pay for blowjobs.
Bill's a presidential hottie, and plenty of women would be glad to scratch that itch for
the sheer pleasure of it. One female reporter who accidentally bumped knees with Bill while
playing cards on Air Force One said she'd give him a blowjob just for the abortion issue alone.

So whose idea was it to pay 50 million dollars for those blowjobs?

The American People?
I don't THINK so.

I, like many Americans, have checked the box on my tax return that says,
"Check here to give $1 of your refund to the Presidential Campaign Fund."
But I never checked any damn box that said,  "Check here to give 50 million dollars to the
Bitter, Prurient, Oversexed Republican Party's Campaign to Humiliate our President fund."

So who DID decide to spend 50 million taxpayer dollars on blowjobs?

You guessed it.
Trent Lott and his fabulous goose-stepping GOP.

I bet Bill Clinton could've found lots of better ways to spend that 50 million dollars.
Like I said, he doesn't need to pay for his blowjobs.

But what did the party of family values spend it on?
Blowjobs.
And not even for themselves.

Morons.

Now what, I wondered, could the party of Lincoln have spent that money
on of a more productive nature, and I came up with a few things:

  1) School lunch programs
  2) Tracheotomies for Mrs. Hines of Alma, Arkansas, and the hundreds of
       thousands of other people poisoned by tobacco companies
  3) Shoring up social security
  4) Child safety locks for guns
  5) Pens for Bob Dole to hold
  6) How about 100,000 new cops on the streets?
  7) A year's supply of Maalox to keep George Butch from throwing up on foreign heads of state
  8) United Nations dues
  9) Anybody remember the homeless? I bet you could build one or two
      housing complexes with 50 million dollars
 10) The Dan Quayle Brain Disease Research Foundation
 11) New barber for James Traficant
 12) I bet we all know what Smirk would do with 50 million dollars...sniff sniff...

Yes, I'm sure there are a hundred and one worthy causes the GOP
 could've spent that 50 million dollars on.

But what did the party of family values, leaving a trail of slime
wherever they go, choose to spend that 50 million dollars on?

Blowjobs!

I guess Republicans are used to paying for it.

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