Two Shots of Happy
Issue #122

Did you see Paul Harvey on the Jerry Springer show last Friday?
It was as disgusting as anything Springer's ever had on.

"I Married My Horse" was the title of that show.

Harvey defended everything about his sexual horseplay,
and he confessed he cheated on his horse - with his wife!
(This is just what I've heard - I refused to watch it.)

Jerry Springer, all is forgiven.
Get rid of the Republican beastiality shows
and bring back the ditto-monkey fights.

I don't know how that aging Methusalah stays on the air.
I guess if there's a market for Limba and Doc Meng,
the D.M.A. has to get their "folksy-news" from somebody.

I wonder, was Phil Hartmann for more gun control?

Great Historical Quotes

"Suppose you were a heartless bastard,
and suppose you were a Republican,
but, .....I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

Monkey Mail

>From: J4D3G$aol.com

>Man I dont know what your bill clinton has been screwing
>the doctors out of there money causing them to look for
>other jobs and causing health care to become pretty crapy
>there is nothing good about bill clinton I think you try
>to look from both ways and put all the good things
>clinton did and all the bad things he has done

>Sincerlky,
>J4D3G
 

J4D,
(can I call you J4D?)

You're talking like a dumb-ass ditto-monkey.
You can't be that stupid.
You CAN'T be.

Reagan and Butch put us trillions of dollars in debt,
and they brought us war, recession and death.

President Clinton brought us peace and prosperity,
and you say there's nothing good about Clinton?

That makes you a ditto-monkey, Sparky.
Koresh, you might be an officer in the Ditto-Monkey Army.

Is that it?

You're a commissioned officer in the D.M.A.?
What are you, a Colonel?

I knew it.
You had to be.
HAD to be.
Nobody is that stupid.
I refuse to believe that Rush is so good at twisting the
simple mind that he could get you to ignore the evidence.

"There is nothing good about Bill Clinton," you say?

Let me ask: Do you own a computer?
Do you own a TV?
There's a thing out now called news.

Look into it.

We're at peace, and the economy is pumping so hot,
it's sweating like Limba at a civil rights rally.

Name a few "bad things he has done."
He's the most-investigated man in history,
and his enemies have unlimited time, money and power
to dig stuff up, but they can't find anything on him.

Go ahead.
NAME something he's guilty of.
Name something he's been charged with.

You can't, can you?
You're stuck, like a big, ugly pig.

You are clearly Rush's little soldier, believing
everything that your Porcine Fuhrer spoon-feeds you.

Just how big is your spoon?
Tell me, do you own a fax machine?
If you do, you should get on their ditto-list.
Then, you'd know what to say when liberals argue facts.

I gotta know, when you graduate from D.M.A. bootcamp,
what do they pin on your chest?

Rush says Clinton's poll numbers are UP
since the China-gate "scandal" broke.

You know why, Rush?

America knows the GOFP is lying, that's why.

Monkey Mail

Exuse me your stuff is carp.

Your just a socialist who hates frenterprize.
Your losing through Rush and Rush are helping to save our
culture from you creeps. We are on ,"The Road to Serfdom"
the truth is not complex is very simpel!

(Drum roll, please...)

Tony DePalma's 45 Undeniable Truths of Life!

1. The United States is the greatest political story ever told.

(Huh? You start with that?
I thought these would be controversial.
Why not start with "Five is greater than four?")

2. Communism is the most evil system on the planet earth there
    is no compromising with communists.

(there is no punctuation)

3. The New York Yankees are the greatest sports franchise ever.

(Now you're getting nutty.
Nothing against the Yankees or New York, but they've only
won one World Series in the last ten years.
The Cowboys and 49'ers have won title after title.)

4. The rich work hard to obtain wealth, and are achievement oriented,
    thus is the reason they have money.

(That's at least partially true, but some are born into big money,
and some fall into cushy, destructive jobs that pay by the slur
even though they tend to leave slime on everything they touch.)

5. Ronald Reagan ended the Soviet Union's influence in the world
    with peace through strength.

(No, he did it by outspending the enemy.
Tell me, whose money did Reagan spend?
When it comes to feeding the poor, or medical bills for retired
veterans, Rush says "That's OUR money, Mr. Clinton."
So, whose money is it when Reagan spends it?)

6. Only the Dead has seen the end of war.

(Huh? The Grateful Dead?
 I thought they were against war.
 Are you sure?)

7. Hard work pays very large dividends.

(Useless, dumbass statement.
 The grass is green, too.)

8. Men and women have different, God-given roles in society.

(Ha ha.
 How long have you been divorced?)

9. Conservatism stands for decency and decorum it is based
    on truth and seeking God's will.

(Ha ha, Koresh, you're funny.
 Conservatism and decency in the same sentence?
 Ha ha.
 Seeking God's will?
 God wants McVeigh and Nichols executed?)

10. Abortion is the killing of innocent life.

(Half your party agrees to destroy "innocent life" if incest or rape is involved.
 Is that the "baby's" fault?
 Your position could be used to drain spaghetti.)

11. Evidence refutes Liberalism.

(That's the stupidest goddamn thing I ever heard.
 If you have some "evidence" of that, whip it out.
 Rush has done a good job with you, Cubby. )

12. A lone gunman nut named Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK.
     Any attempt to create a conspiracy is intellectual laziness.

(But you think the DC police, the National Park Service,
 the FBI, the CIA the House and the Senate conspired to help
 Bill Clinton murder his childhood friend, Vince Foster?
 Explain why Fat bastard pushed the Foster murder rumors.
 Your side sees the black helicopters, not us.
 If ditto-monkeys had mirrors, it would be sooo easy...)

13. Whittaker Chambers exposed the infusion of communism in America.
      His book "Witness" is the greatest story of breaking from communism, and finding God.

(Never read that book.
 How does it compare with Von Ryan's Express?
 Besides, that's a very deniable "truth."

14. The 60's era is an embarrassment to our culture,
      and led to the rapid moral decline of our Nation.

(That's almost as stupid as #11.
 The sixties is when honesty began.
 No more hiding incest, no more hiding rape,
 no more hiding wife-beaters and drunk-drivers.
 Lynchings were made illegal, and racial discrimination
 was no longer allowed, all starting in the sixties.
 That's one reason Dole lost the election.
 Besides wealthy, white men, nobody wants to go back
 to separate drinking fountains and lunch counters.

 Jesus, that's idiotic.

Are you from Georgia?

15. There is no such thing as separation of church and state
      in any founding document of the United States.

(Founding document?
 Who helped you with this?
 Bob Dole?
 If you think a federal religion is a good idea,
 you'd probably enjoy life in Tehran.

16. Anita Hill is the greatest liar of all time!

(Not even in the Top 300.
 This is the most ditto-monkey thing you've said so far.
 The trick is to make sense some of the time,
 so they won't notice when you lose it all the way.

17. Giving money to the underclass ultimately expands the under class.
     The way out of poverty is through strong work ethic.

(I agree.
 It's that simple.
 Fuck 'em.
 Let 'em die.
 I got mine, they can get theirs.
 If they're old or sick, nature "takes them.")

18. Gambling creates false hope, and expands the welfare state.
     True self worth comes from earning money honestly.
     Lottery winnings Etc. can't be enjoyed, they're ill gotten.

(Starting your own business is a cornerstone of free enterprize,
 but it's also a gamble.
 Does that make it bad?
 Are you, like... stupid or something?

Lottery winnings can't be enjoyed?
You should've seen ol' BartCop in Las Vegas spending
your taxpayer money like it was 1999.

19. Sex, as an objective is self-robbery.

 (Self robbery?
 Self-ROBBERY?
 Ha ha.

You're doing it all wrong.

You're supposed to do it with another person...
Ha ha.

20. The Earth is rejuvenitive, not fragile, as environmentalists want us to believe.
      Environmentalism is the new home of socialism in America.

(OK, you win this one.
Man can't harm the Earth, no matter how hard he tries...
The environmentalists are just lying so they can...
they're just lying so they can...
...ao they can...

I forget.
Why are the environmentalists lying?

21. Animals do not have rights!
     Man accords them privileges because he is compassionate.

(There are laws against animal cruelty, Sir.
So, you think it's OK to set kittens on fire?
Koresh-blessed, I'm sure.

I'm a bleeding-heart liberal when is comes to animal abuse.
Besides, Jeffry Dahmer started torturing dogs and cats
then "graduated" to bigger game.

Why are you pro-torture?
Are you the youngest in your family?
Is there something you want to tell us?
Can I call someone for you?

22. Ronald Reagan was the greatest President of the 20th century.

(There you go again.
Name ONE thing Reagan did.
ONE thing!
Built up the military?

Did not.
The President isn't authorized to spend money, remember?

Go on, name something else, besides the military.
Fire the air-traffic controllers?
Ok, that's true.

Iran-Contra?
Yes, he's guilty of that.

The biggest depression since 1939?
He's guilty of that, too.

He invaded the Isle of Nutmeg to distract Americans from
"The Bungle in Beirut" where 217 Marines died, and he
killed two of Khadafy's kids in assassination attempt.

If it wasn't for Ed-The-Human-Felony-Meese, Reagan would've
been impeached for his crimes. But Meese acted as Reagan's
personal defense lawyer and refused to indict him for crimes
eventually pardoned by George Herbert Traitor Butch to
keep those crimes hidden from the light of truth.

...but you say you like the guy?

23. Gun laws do not help curb crime. It is more important for
citizens to arm themselves then it is to restrict firearms.

(Gun laws work in countries with less than 100,000,000 guns.
Since they don't work in America, I have guns.)

24. Babe Ruth, was the greatest baseball player of all time.

(Ruth was a Wilson democrat.)

25. AIDS is not growing despite what journalists say,
     and has never been a threat to heterosexuals.

(Not a threat to heterosexuals?

I thought I saw your wife dancing with a guy at the local bar last weekend.
Did she come home that night?

Now, if you catch AIDS from her,
according to your rules, that makes you a homo, right?

26. Homosexuality is aberrant behavior, and cannot be condoned.

(Sorry, Adoplh.
I do not hear your words.

What should gays do?
Become celibate?)
Why don't YOU become celibate as an example for them?

27. Affirmative action is reverse discrimination.
     The best-qualified person should get the job, period.

(Then explain how Clarence Thomas got his job.)

28. The 1927 New York Yankees were the greatest team ever assembled.

(We covered this one.
Cowboys, 49'ers, remember?)

29. Sam Walton, was the best businessman in American history.
Wal-Mart changed the American economy for the better,
thus ending inflation, as we once knew it.

(Is Paul Harvey back?
I smell horseshit.

Sam Walton wrote a blueprint to destroy small towns and
wipe out millions of mom-and-pop small businesses.
...and Reagan killed inflation with his 1982 depression.)

30. Love is not "a two way street" It is the giving of all of
     oneself without expectations on what is in it for self.
     Love based on emotion doesn't last.

(Jesus, you're hard to figure out.
First, you want to put gays in ovens,
now you think you figured out the meaning of love?)

31. Feelings are like gas they pass quickly studying them has nothing to do with reality.

(And your "undeniable truths" are like methane.)

32. Oliver North, is a true American hero who despied Communism
     so much that he went to any lengths to end it.

(...and OJ loved Nicole so much, he cut her head off.)

33. 1982-1989 was the best economic years in American history.

(The best years?
That might be true,
if you forget Reagan's depression,
the highest unemployment since the 1930's
and the 4 TRILLION Reagan spent that he didn't have.)

34. Magic Johnson, was the greatest basketball player of all time.

(Rush says Magic is gay,
and you want the gays put in ovens.
...You have the consistency of baby shit.)

35. Liberalism is a big lie, it can never work in a free society,
     basically the philosophy says individuals are incapable of
     achieving on their own. Further it is a gutless choice,
     robbing the soul, and it is secular humanism.

(Rush says we've "suffered with liberalism" since WW II.
That means America hasn't "worked" in 50 years.
Most Americans think you're crazy.
Your little proclamations don't even add up to anything.
If I said "conservativism is gutless," then failed to
back it up, I'd look as stupid as you.)

36. Franklin Deleno Roosevelt, the Godfather of Liberalism was
     the most overrated President of all time.
    The notion that FDR helped end the depression is myth!
    Further he created a dependent Society with his New Deal.

(Whoa, Cubby.
First of all, Snoot says FDR was one of his heroes.
Maybe you need to straighten him out.
FDR didn't end the depression?
Who did?

Reagan?

Your grandmother gets a monthly check and free health care
because of FDR. Go to her home, get those checks and send
them to me and I'll know you're sincere about hating the New Deal.)

37. Baseball is the most beautiful game ever played.

(Couldn't you get anyone to help you with these?
Right after saying something totally insane, you say
something like "blue is the most beautiful color.")

38. The 94 Election was an important historical event, which
      began a revolution that will change the political course of America for the better.

(Snoot's revolution changed the face of the Murrah building
 in Oklahoma City, but little else.)

39. God is the answer to all mans problems seeking his will
      is the only way to full contentment in life.

(What if God asks you to murder your son.
 Are you going to please Him?
 God's not even the answer to punctuation problems,
 as every "truth" of yours demonstrates.)

40. Every man, women, and child has a fundamental idea of God.
     Calamity, pomp or worship often obscures it.

(What?
 Worship obscures the idea of God?
 If that's true, why worship at all?
 You make less sense than Farrakhan.)

41. Good has always and will prevail over evil.

(Explain that to the 6,000,000 who died in concentration camps in World War Two.
Tell me, why did God create evil?
And if He didn't create evil, why was He powerless to stop
whichever deity you decide DID create evil?)

42. Cussing is a crutch for conversational cripples.

(...but personal slurs are Rush's sacraments.)

43. Taxing the rich hurts the middle class more then the rich.

(Ha ha.
You must be a captain in the Ditto-Monkey Army.
Rush has convinced you that your life will be better
if he gets to keep more of his $25,000,000 each year.)

44. Mans problems are created mostly by man himself.
      Self-centeredness is the main problem of the human race.

(No, religious superstition and ignorance are worse.)

45. America's brightest days are yet ahead.
     Your children will have a better life then we have.

(How can that be?
America is run by liberals.
"All liberals do is destroy, remember?")
 

Cubby, if this was a term paper,
-you'd get an "F" for cohesion,
-you'd get an "F" for staying on-point,
-you'd get an "F" for spelling,
-you'd get an "F" for punctuation,
-you'd get an "F" for making nouns agree with verbs,
...and you'd be expelled for your nutty ideas.

I suggest you send Rush some money.
You'll feel better.

Great GOFP Quotes

"Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest.
If you have more trees than you have forests,
then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win.

-- Senator Dan Quayle, Newsweek 1988)

Fun Monkey Mail

>From: Zach Moring 

>Subject: You are a supporter of baby killers.

>Regards,

>Zachary Moring
>Stewart & Stevenson
>(713)868-7875
 

(There's a chance I'm wrong,
but I assume Zach included his home phone number
so ANYONE who disagreed with his opinion that
supporters of women's rights are baby killers,
should CALL HIM, (use 1-800-collect).

I mean, if he didn't WANT calls,
he wouldn't have listed his number, right?
Trust me, if he sues me, I'll kick his young ass.
He WANTS to hear from us.

Am I right on this?
This is no BartCop gag.

Zach wants to hear from you.
And since it's his invitation,
he's footing the bill, right?

I think we should ALL call ol' Zach, collect,
and tell him that most GOP'ers are NOT baby-killers.

It's free, I have Zach's invitation in writing,
Zach wants to hear from you baby-killers.

What the Dole?

Call him collect from a pay phone near work.
Zach wants to know what YOU think.

(Zach, that "Stewart & Stevenson" closing?
I pray to Koresh you're a law firm,
and you will sue me for something.
Please, please sue me.)

BartCop

PS. Please

Get a shot of whiskey...

Ready?

Click HERE to hear this great, great song.
DO  Ol' bartCop this one favor.
It would mean a lot to me.

Sinatra was a legend, not necessarily to me,
but Bono is a legend, and he's paying tribute to a man he loved - Frank.

Read the lyrics below as Bono sings them.
F-ing Ken Burns can't tell a story this well...
and he damn sure can't sing.

This is one of the greats.
 
 

1913-1998

two shots of happy
one shot of sad
you think I'm no good
well, I know I've been bad
took you to a place
now you can't get back
two shots of happy
one shot of sad

walk together
down a dead end street
we were mixing the bitter
with the sweet
don't try to figure out
what we might've had
just two shots of happy
one shot of sad

I'm just a singer
some say a sinner
rollin' the dice
not always a winner
you say I've been lucky
well, hell, I made my own
not part of the crowd
but not feeling alone

under pressure
not bent out of shape
surrounded
we always found an escape
drove me to drink, but hey,
that's not all bad
two shots of happy
one shot of sad

yes, I've been greedy
all of my life
greedy with my children,
my lovers, my wife
greedy for the good things
as well as the bad
two shots of happy
one shot of sad

maybe it's just talk
saloon singin'
the chairs are all stacked
the swingers start swingin'
you say I hurt you
you put the finger on yourself
then after you did it
you came crying for my help

two shots of happy
one shot of sad
I'm not complainin'
baby, I'm glad
you call it compromise
well, what's that?

two shots of happy
one shot of sad
 

--Bono
(the live one)

There's a phrase: "getting more tail than Sinatra" that
people use to describe a man who's having a good time.

Currently, that's true about every man,
but it wasn't always that way. Frank Sinatra had his way
with thousands of young women, but we forgave him, right?
The GOFP has forgiven Sinatra for never, ever being faithful
to any of his wives because people thought he could sing well.

Me?

I didn't have a strong dislike for Sinatra, but I don't see
why people call him a great singer. His voice wasn't very good.
I mean, he had a voice like Mick Jagger or Bob Dylan.
Expressive, but not a "vocalist," by any stretch,
so they said he had "good phrasing."

To me, "good phrasing" is a lot like "leadership."
It's a thing you claim when you've got nothing else.
Don't have me killed, but Frank was tone deaf.

Listen to the last part of "My Way."
When Franks holds the long Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Way,
his "yyyy" goes up an down like a Lewinsky,
trying to zero in on that elusive, on-pitch note.
Maybe that was part of Frank's charm,
that he sang "so well," for a guy who couldn't sing.

And before you feel the need to flame me for that,
understand that your personal attack will not
affect my opinion of Frank's technical ability.

They say Frank was a "man's man."
You know what that means?

Say a guy cuts your limo off in traffic and flips the bird.
Then, at the next red light, Jilly jumps out and cuts the
guy's middle finger off as a trophy for Frank.
Yep, we're all living on Frank's planet.

You want to hear a funny one?
They say Sinatra always brought in the "high rollers."

Let's play a word game: Can you find the letters
"m" and "o" and "b" in the phrase "high rollers?"

I can.

Frank didn't necessarily appeal to people with money who enjoyed gambling - get real.
That's like saying people with an education mostly voted for Clinton.
(cough)

When Frank played Vegas, the big boys from Chicago would
leave their wives at home and take their people to Vegas
and they'd all get drunk and gamble away their blood money
and have a good time watching Frank's show at the Sands
and afterwards, they'd rape some cocktail waitresses
and party with the sheriff of Clark County.

These days, the kids call it "the thug life."

The real truth is, for decades Frank's signature song was
"My Kind of Town," meaning Chicago was HIS kind of town
- a town run by the mob.

Sinatra was the biggest womanizer of his time,
and we're seeing a lot of Republicans ignore that.

Didn't Senator Pothole D'Amato, (R-Nostra)
a wholly owned subsidiary of the Gambino family,
submit Frank's name for the United Badge of Honor,
or whatever that bullshit award is called?

What does that tell you about D'Amato?
That tells me Pothole has the mob's hand up his ass,
and he'll play Charlie McCarthy for 'em till he gets kissed.

And didn't Clinton agree to the medal for Sinatra?
What does that tell you about Clinton?
That he'll live to chase Frank's record as long as the mob
doesn't break his legs for holding the medal back.

Clinton is a lot of things, but he's no idiot.

Koresh, they forgive Sinatra's sins because he sang good.
but they can't forgive the ALLEGATIONS leveled against
the president who saved us from the Reagan error?

See? I told you there was no God.

All in all, what man WOULDN'T want to be Frank Sinatra?
More money than WalkslikeaBagofCats,
drowning in a sea of alcohol,
worldwide, superstar fame,
more tail than....sorry, he WAS the tail yardstick,
plus, absolute mob protection,
something Biggie Smalls and Tupac could've used.

One last thing...

Sinatra and I had something in common.
He had one word for the American press: Whores

>From: robertj@norwich.net

>Subject: 40 reasons piece

(I'm guessing Robert read RL-LNW Volume 61,
 called "You're one out of Forty, Stupid.")

>There is no single issue that lefties can hang their hat on
>when it comes to the new administation.

(Rob,
...can I call you Rob?

What an astounding proclamation!
I assume you're talking about Bill Clinton?
His administration was "new" back in 1993.

Is that a "Limba" you just pulled on me?
You're DARING me to mention a Clinton success?
Why would you say that when you can be so easily hurt?

Bill Clinton brought America "Peace and Prosperity,"
and you're asking what he might hang his hat on?

Rob, besides peace and prosperity,
name something Americans like.
Go ahead.

I got time...

...go on...

...back to your letter...

>At least those of us who have real jobs, support our communities,
>pay our taxes and try not to complain know the reality of what
>can happen to the society our children will inherit.

(Whereas no-job BartCop, who FAILS to support his community...

...Jesus, with a leap like that, you should've gone to Nagamo.
So, I'm a no-job bum, who won't support his community?
NO FAIR using Rush evidence against me!

>We grew up during the same time our president did.
>We weren't all inclined to protest and mock authority.
>We had to go to work, a concept that escaped a generation.

(What?
You buy Limba's idiotic assertion that the last generation
of "decent" Americans was the WW II generation?
I got nothing against them, but who's to say the kids
of the 50's and 60's turned out so bad? Just because Limba
never fit in with others, doesn't mean people turned "bad."

Let's have a contest:

You name an "evil" that modern liberalism created,
and I'll name an "evil" that we've decided to do without.
...go on...

I got time...

Why don't you start with "women's rights,"
and I'll counter with "lynchings."
...go on...

I got time...

>Go right ahead and snicker,
>put down and slam the conservatives.

Believe me, conservatives I can live with,

But Rush Limba?
He's a highly-paid whore.

Think about that...

>Cincerly,
>Robert J,

Rob, you need to read more issues of LNW

This might get a little tedious, but I needd to make a point
about the way Rush POUNDS and POUNDS and POUNDS a "ditto-fact"
home to the easily-led monkeys.

Back in 1986, President Reagan went on live television and looked
America straight in the eye and gave us his word that there were
"No weapons" on the "two small planes" that Ollie North flew
to Iran to swap for the hostages.

In truth, those planes were loaded with thousands of Stinger
missles, which can pull a passenger jet out of the sky.

So, according to all the accepted facts,
Democrats and Republicans are in full agreement when they
say the undeniable truth that everybody accepts is:

Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Maine.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of New Hampshire.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Vermont.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Massachusetts.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Connecticut.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Rhode Island.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of New York.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of New Jersey.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Pennsylvania.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Maryland.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Delaware.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Virginia.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of West Virginia.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of North Carolina.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of South Carolina.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Georgia.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Florida.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Tennessee.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Alabama.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Mississippi.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Louisiana.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Arkansas.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Texas.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Oklahoma.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Kentucky.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Ohio.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Indiana.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Michigan
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Illinois.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Wisconsin.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Minnesota.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Iowa.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Missouri.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Kansas.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Nebraska.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of South Dakota.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of North Dakota.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Montana.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Wyoming.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Colorado.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of New Mexico.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Arizona.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Utah.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Nevada.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Idaho.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of California.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Oregon.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Washington.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Alaska.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of Hawaii.
Ronald Reagan lied to the people of America.

Now...

1. Is Ronald Reagan the biggest liar of all time?
   ...it sure looks like it, doesn't it?

2. This was a Rush Limba ambush-tactic, used against him.
    Are Limba ambush-tactics cheap, ugly and distorting?

BartCop,

The ditto-monkey letters you publish are funny, but you should
print more intellectual letters from the Right. It leaves the
impression that ONLY braindead ditts attack you.

OK...

Mail Bag

>From: Edward A. H.

>Subject: Why are you so angry?

>I spent the night surfing the Internet.
>I've never seen someone as impassioned and angry as you are.
>Why?
 

Ed,
(Can I call you Ed?)

It's funny that you see anger when you read LNW.
On my end, I'm giggling like it's my first beer.

What I do,
...is listen to Rush's show everyday, then write down the craziest,
stupidest and most race-baiting things he says. Then I mix those
quotes with jokes and ironic tidbits and build a newsletter out of it.

Why would I be angry?

I'm a Clinton fan, and America LOVES their president.
I try to mix the truth with half-truths and outright lies in an
entertaining way, just like El Grande Chupacabra does, every day.

>Who pulled your chain anyway? I can understand what you don't
>like about TV evangelists (they make me crazy, too) but you are
>willing to dismiss the Bible and God because of them?

Ed, if you believe strongly in God, good for you.
As long as you don't want to pass laws that God "told" you to pass,
you won't get any trouble from me.

You realize, tho, that odds are 90 percent that you have the same
"true" religion that your parents have. So, if you were born in China,
Budda would be the "true" God, and those wackos in America just don't
know that they have the wrong God, the heathens.

If you were born in Iran,
Khomeini would be the "true" God, and America would be your Satan.
How can you believe in a religion that's geography-based?

If you were born in Africa, you might now have a bone in your nose
and you'd worship the sun, or whatever.

See my point?

On the other hand, if you were non-religious until you were, say,
20 years old, and you spent time researching the popular religions,
and studied them until you could whittle them down to 5 religions or
two religions, and THEN chose the "true" religion,
I might think you were onto something.

But that's not the case, is it?

This isn't meant as an attack. I'm just trying to point out the
folly of basing your life on a religion that's determined
by the geographic role of the dice.

>Some things that you hate about conservatives that are worth being mad about.
>I agree that a lot of the conservative quotes you print make me cringe.

Those quotes make America cringe, too.
That's one reason Clinton beat Butch and Dole.
That's one reason Gore will beat whomever.

>But the moral law that conservatives wish to have enacted is good,
>regardless of how foolish the people may be who promote it.

Conservative wishes, promoted by fools, should be the law?
(That spinning sound you hear is Thomas Jefferson's body.)
What if you believe in Religion "A,"
and your kid's school teaches Religion "B?"

Seriously...
Wouldn't you rather choose your kid's religion?

If Einstein, a Jew, was your child's teacher,
he'd say Jesus isn't God, which is true if you're a Jew.
Your kid would home confused.
The smartest man in the world said Jesus isn't God.

Isn't that a good reason to let everyone stick to their own insanity?
Why do you want BIG government to teach your kids religion?
I thought you conservatives wanted LESS government...

>Let's look at it another way---we will be ruled by some sort of law.
>That is just the nature of mankind.
>So whose law shall it be?
>How about the law of the Aztecs? Good, I suppose, unless you're
>one of the 25,000 humans that will be sacrificed this year.

Wait!
Now you're on MY side?
Religious insanity killed those people.
Don't put that on me.
I'm against all religious insanity.

>Well, how about the laws of the land of India?
>Or how about no law at all?
>Just let everyone do what they want.
>So, to be consistant in this, we must allow every pedophile,
>necrophile, cannabal, etc. the freedom to do what they like.

Now, you're scaring me.

>Well, how about the laws of the God of the Bible?
>You know, the ones that say that I am to not murder my neighbor,
>not steal from him, not screw his wife, etc.

The hypocrisy of your position is not your fault, personally.
Zealots claim "Don't Kill and Don't Steal" are examples of how
basic and logical the ten commandments are.

Don't forget:
Commandment One is "Worship Me or Die Like a Davidian!"

I choose NOT to worship an invisible ghost/diety.
I'm using the brain God gave me to determine that He doesn't exist.
As an American, I have that right, and if you try to take my
religious freedom from me, you're starting a fight you'll lose.

>So----what did God ever do to you to get you so mad?

I was raised Catholic, ha ha
When I was 8, I made the nuns say
"Stop asking so many questions.
You'll get your answers when you get to Heaven."

Geez, that's almost like a dodge...

>Want to talk about it with an ex-atheist and ex-liberal?
(a reformed 60's hippie)?

Ex-atheist?
How did that happen?
Did a bolt of lightning knock you off your ass?

>Just for the fun of it, I'm going to bookmark your site.

That's a good idea.
I hope my reply hasn't entrenched my position as an angry
man. I'm just having fun, while daring my opponents to
show me where I'm wrong. So far, even G Gordon Liddy
hasn't found a way to do that.

>One last thought---
>THERE IS A GOD----YOU ARE NOT HE!!!!!

Unlike Rush, I've never claimed to be God or encouraged my
readers to worship me. Rush constantly pushes praise-calls
to the top of the list, whereas I will not print a positive
letter. You gotta know I get three praise-mails for every
letter written in crayon, but I don't want to encourage it.

Only a power-craving, egomaniacal madman needs worship and praise.
Or worse - the need to be praised then to broadcast that praise
to 20,000,000 sick/gullible/lonely/scared people every week.

>Have a good one

Ed, swear to Vern,
I HAVE a good one,
a very, very good one.

BartCop,
Ediotr, RL-LNW

Monkey Mail

>From: CHARLES G. WEISHAAR
>cweisha@mail.lig.bellsouth.net

>Subject: ignoranc is bliss

>Young women dont understand theissues because the have
>been dumed down in your social enginearing schools however
>i have yet talk to one that supports youwhore Clitnon
>I love tosurf Communiste Web sights to gauk at pure ignoranc

>Charles G. Weishaar

(Charles, thanks for explaining the gender gap.)

This just in...

CNN reports that Herr Starr forced Monica Lewinsky
to give him a handwriting sample, a voice sample, her fingerprints and a few pubic hairs.

When a reporter asked why he needed the pubic hairs,
Herr Starr said "I like pubic hair, and if you don't get the fuck away from me right now,
I'm going to subpoena your mother and grill her until she has a nervous breakdown."

I ask you,
How can you NOT like Herr Starr?

The Streak Comes to an End.

In 1978, I was a young pup.
Green Boy went to work for Capital Financial Services.
They taught me how to win cases in Small Claims court.
In the last 19 years and 11 months, I, BartCop, your Ediotr
have been an out-of-control prosecutor.

I know this sounds Limba-ish, but in over 300 court dates,
I'm undefeated. I out-of-control prosecuted over 300 defendants
and never walked away with anything less than total victory.

I must say, my political advisors have told me this kind of
honesty is political suicide, but, like Gingrich, I must speak.
Before I continue, I Swear to Vern, every word is true.

I realize any bonehead with a keyboard can claim he's
undefeated in court, and it means nothing on the Internet.
But, since it's true, my options are admitting it or
refraining from bringing it up.

OK, so we get to the out-of-control part:

I can't speak for every venue, but in Mytown, USA
when you are out-of-control prosecuting a small claims case,
the OTHER poor bastard is put under oath,
but the person bringing the suit, ....BartCop, is NOT!

I guess I have some ego in me - I'll admit it.
I have the delusion that I can spin a phrase, and that I can
steer the judge to a certain impression that MAY be true...

Assuming that is true, can you imagine the damage a guy like me
can do to a regular-Joe defendent, in court for the first time,
who's UNDER OATH?

Me and some ditto-monkey are each explaining to the no-nonsense
judge our points of view, and I'm free to embellish and color
the story, and the other poor bastard is stuck with the truth.

Anyone else have 20 years experience in court?
Can I get a "ditto" on this?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a FLAW in the system.
I assume Herr Starr is using this same advantage.

With my IQ of 65, and being NOT under oath, I was able to
"spin" that the defendants were guilty every goddamn time.
I don't know my exact record, but my best guess is 300-0.
I mean, it's been 20 years.
(except for the dark years when I owned two nightclubs.)

Once again, I realize I'm just Internet Boast-boy.
ANY nimrod can make a claim.

Do I care if you believe me?
Ha ha.

Right.

I won't sleep tonight unless I think up to
85,000,000 on-line surfers believe me.

I just don't care.

Am I telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but?
Yes, I am, because I choose to.

I'm just saying the plaintiff has no motivation to tell
the truth while the defendent is under threat of jail time.
I can hose an innocent person into a guilty vedict, but I've
never done it, for the same reason I've never lost a case:

I got to pick-and-choose the cases I've tried.

Since Judge Mefford is a no-nonsense judge, I didn't test him.
But after a 19-year, 11-month career, BartCop the prosecutor
has retired with an estimated record of 300-0.

Worldwide BartCop

Von: ubernicht@comp.stuttgart.net

Lieber Bartcop,

Sie kennen altes Bartcop, hatten Sie mich wirklich zu gehen.
Wenn ich Ihre letzte Nettospalte lese, finde ich Sie, uns anzulocken.
Sicher! ANGEGANGEN! Ich soll glauben, daß Sie nicht nette Post erhalten!
Sie kidding.

Quellen Sie wenn Sie streichen uns nicht hervor und unterstützende
Kommunikationen von Ihren Lesern wünscht, ich hoffe, den mit diesen
Wörtern des Supports zu entlasten:

Er erneuert, um eine Spalte zu lesen, die nicht nur sagt, daß Limbaugh
falschist, aber über das Widerlegen und das Rebuking von Fatso mit solchem
gnadenlosem merriment geht. Wie Limbaugh auf der Luft für 10 Jahre
geblieben ist, hat mich geführt, viel über my fellow Americans zu fragen:
Was glauben sie und warum?
Gedanken Worrisome zum Sein sicher.

nach der Verwirklichung der Leute und, Ihr scharfer gut-geschriebener Punkt
erneuert mich wirklich hören und geben Gewicht zum disinformation GeldGrubber.

Meine Lieblinge sind Ihre Aktualisierungsvorgänge EL Nino, dummen
Anführungsstriche vom DITTO-Meister und Support unseres defekten aber
begabten Führers. Ich kann nicht warten, um Ihren Filmcritique von
"Primärfarben zu lesen."

Unterhalt herauf die große Arbeit.
I niedrig

Yoots Mail

The GOFP, and that dirtyho Doc Meng keep saying as long
as mutual funds are climbing, the American people are
willing to be governed by an immoral man.
They don't understand Dole about regular Americans.

Uh-Oh, look here.

Just as my ribs are almost, nearly healed,
I get another letter from my new 11-year old friend, Timmy.
I hope I handle it better this time.

>Dear Mr. BartCop,

>Mr. BartCop, I have another question.
>It seems to me, when the economy is good, everything is good.

>When Reagan and Bush were president,
>Dad got laid off from a job he had for sixteen years.
>Dad drank a lot more whiskey under Reagan and Bush.
>Dad took it out on Mom every night.
>Dad hit Mom a lot under Republican administrations.
>A whole lot.

>My sister and I spent a lot of time with Family Social Services.
>You see, under Reagan and Bush, Dad couldn't make car payments,
>so our car got repossessed.

>We lost our family health insurance, too.
>On the good days, we ate Beanie-Weenie.
>On the bad days, we ate Alpo or sawdust and glue,
>and the only health care we got was at the ER.

>Plus, our electricity got turned off all the time.
>Under the Republicans, we never got a family vacation.

>How could we?
>We couldn't even afford to pay for utilities.

>But since President Clinton was elected,
>Dad not only got a job, he got a RAISE.
>Now, he's a supervisor.

>Under Clinton, Dad only drinks when he's celebrating.
>Under Clinton, Dad hardly beats Mom anymore.
>Mom got her teeth replaced.
>Now she smiles all the time.
>Under Clinton, we haven't seen the repo man,
>plus, now we have a second car.

>Under Clinton, we not only have uninterrupted electricity,
>we also bought one of those capitalist satellite dishes.
>Under Clinton, we not only have family vacations,
>we got to go to Hollywood and meet Matt Drudge.
>Under Clinton, with Dad's new health-care plan, we can afford
>to get sicker than Rush Limba in a November divisible by four.

>So...

>When the Republicans say Bill Clinton is "bad for America,"
>you can understand why mom says "fuck that noise."

>Your friend,

>Timmy

I'd like to say something about reverse whore-ism.
It can be a very beautiful thing to watch.

There are two passions in my life, politics and music.
Let me tell you a story about two non-whores.

It starts with a week in Texas in 1987.
We drove the BartCop-mobile to Dallas to see Pink Floyd.
It had been forever since the Floyd played America.
Tickets were impossible to get, but we snagged a couple.

A few days earlier, Roger Waters played Dallas.
There were plenty of tickets available for Roger Waters,
even though he wrote most of Pink Floyd's later work.

Roger left Pink Floyd, due to "artistic differences"
with David Gilmour, Floyd's monsterously-talented guitarist
but the band went on to record music without Roger.
Roger also sang most of their later songs, and his show was
every bit as big and as good as his old bandmates,
but people are really, really stupid for the most part.

In any "fair" fight, Water's band would beat David's band,
but David kept the Pink Floyd name, which I suppose was his
right, since Roger left the group.

So...

Since David had the name, they did alllllllll the business.

(Slowly, I'm getting to the point.)

Most people don't share my passion for music.
There's a new guy at work - I asked him what kind of music he liked.
He said "all kinds," which means he has about  as much passion for music as I have for soccer.

People like that will go to a Pink Floyd concert,
but they probably can't tell you who Roger Waters is.

The best concerts I ever saw were Led Zeppelin concerts.
I was lucky enough to see them three times, and it was
the most fun I ever had with clothes on, unless you count that
time I got G. Gordon Liddy to say on nationwide radio that
Charles Ford and Joe Fitzpatrick were gay, Republican lovers.

Ha ha,

OW!

(They were Republican smart-asses who refused to answer some
simple BartCop-ensnaring questions on the old Prodigy political BB,
so I decided to get even by tricking Liddy into calling them homosexuals.
(Not that there's anything wrong with being gay.)

Koresh, that was even better than my new friend Timmy's
"Bill Bennett still smoking" joke. I still have that Liddy
show on audio tape - maybe if I get a bigger web page someday
(cough, cough, cough)
...I'll have that on a RA file for you to hear.

Anyway, Led Zeppelin broke up in 1980 when their drummer died.
Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, the Lennon-McCartney of rock,  reunited years later
but refused to use the Led Zeppelin name out of respect for their old friend, John Bonham.

Granted, Page and Plant are wildly rich beyond belief, richer even than His Porkness,
so they didn't feel it was necessary to invoke the name.

If they used the Led Zeppelin name, they could sell out
stadiums and set attendence records everywhere.
Koresh, that must be tempting to a stage performer.
When they toured in the old days, they out-sold everybody.
Before Zeppelin, all acts, Elvis included, only got
fifty percent of the gate. Zeppelin demanded NINETY
percent, and got it, because the sellout was guaranteed.

They played Detroit in 1977, and filled the Silverdome,
over 100,000 people paid to see one band - a Guinness record.

But...

They let all of that go, as a tribute to their friend.
Twenty years later, they're going to see fewer people at
their concerts and they'll sell fewer CD's because they
didn't want to whore the Led Zeppelin name.

Compare that to a piece of crap like Limba.
Twenty-five million per year, and STILL:
Got a furnace filter that needs whoring?
Got a water-saver for your shower that needs whoring?
Got a new feminine hygeine product that needs whoring?

Call Limba.
That's his job.
He's a whore.
It's what he does.

With all the whoring at the "E.I.B. building,"
with all the whoring in Hollywood,
with all the whoring in Washington,
with all the whoring in the press
with all the whoring in the media,
it's not often you get the chance to see
a couple of entertainers take the high road.

Oh, one other thing:

They respect the press as much as Sinatra and me.
They usually do their interviews drunk, laughing at the
stupid questions that the coke whore inevitably asks,
openly showing their disrespect for the mangle-job they
know in advance the press will be doing on them.

Here's a toast to two non-whores.

Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, BartCop salutes you.

Kid Humor

Two small Republican children are at the beach one day.
The little boy said "My dad makes so much money,
he just bought a new Oldsmobile."

The little girl replied "My dad makes more money than
your dad does - he just bought a new Cadillac."

The little boy, trying to keep up, said
"My mom is so pretty, she was Miss Texas."

The little girl said "That's pretty good, but my mom
was Miss America back in the 1970's."

Frustrated, the little boy tried to think of some way
he could beat the little girl in the bragging department.
So he dropped his swim trunks and said
"I have one of these, and you don't."

The little girl thought for a minute, then smiled
and dropped her swim suit and said
"I have one of these, and with one of these,
I can get all of those I want."

(Hey, Playboy - that would be a good joke to steal.)

Militia Mail

>From: papax7@gtii.com

>BartCop,
>I know how you've demonised reagan for selling misiles
>to His Balla's terrorists.

(Yes, Reagan was a bad, bad man.
A traitor from a party of traitors.)

>And i know how you worship the ground Clinton walks on.

(He's the best politician I've ever seen.)

>But how do you you feel now that it is quite apparent
>that BC sold nuclear and sattelite technolegy to the
>Chinese commies, giving them the ability to
>nuke LA and knock out our sattelites?

("Quite apparent," you say?
I guess that's what they call a "Limba fact?"
"Giving them the ability to nuke LA?"
Koresh, that's wild talk, even from a party of wild talkers.)

>Is BC still your hero?

(He's the best politician I've ever seen.
He's the best you've ever seen, too.)

>I put in a mispelled word and kept it short.
>Will this letter make you next RL-AHHA?

>Duane McGee,
>Michigan Mililitia Major
 

Dear Derange,

See how you are?
Consider the facts:

We know Reagan sold weapons to Islamic Jihad.
We know this because Ollie Traitor CONFESSED,
and Reagan eventually admitted doing it.
I have Reagan's confession on tape.

Then...

George Herbert Traitor Butch finally PARDONED the criminals
to prevent a trial to keep their crimes forever hidden.

Meanwhile, in 1998, a ratings-driven whore levels another
ACCUSATION against the best president we've ever had,
and you say he's guilty before any evidence is admitted?

Sounds unconstitutional,
but when has that ever stopped you guys before?

Don't you guys ever learn?
Once again, you've caught Clinton "for sure, this time."
You know, with my IQ of 60, sometimes it's hard for me
to learn life's lessons, but after a while, I do.

Republicans, on the other hand, repeat the same mistakes
over and over and over. Maybe Kato Burn is correct:
Maybe Quayle IS one of the smartest people in your party.

If any evidence of a crime surfaces, get back to me.
Until then, ewe're in my prayers.

Still undefeated,

BartCop

Great GOP Quotes

"There is clearly no evidence at this stage to prove
that campaign donations led Clinton to make
questionable foreign policy decisions."

--none other than Snoot Gingrich, on CNN's Late Edition

(Hey, Derange, get back here.
You said that "the facts" were quite apparent.

You'd better get on the phone to Gingrich
and share this "proof" you apparently have.)

Save America, Derange!

>From: Scut1@aol.com

>Subject: Got a spine?

>I, in as many times as I have listened to Rush, have NEVER
>heard him apply the multiple, personal attacks toward any
>person as you have incorporated in your webpage commentary.

(Get real, Lube.
You claim you've listen to Rush and you've never heard him
hurl personal slurs by the dozen?
You, sir, are either a liar, or a member of the D.M.A.)

>You lack the moral and political standing to attack Rush on the
>issues that he debates in the public and political arena.
>Who do you think you are, anyway?
 

(Who do I have to be?
Calling a nazi whore a nazi whore makes sense.
Rush is a like a dirty toenail.
He needs to be clipped every few days.)

>You are unable to attract an audience big enough to provide the
>advertising dollars to support your own show then crawl back to
>the left-wing media that has been the tit of Clinton for many years,
>that's my reasoning. Sorry for the run-on sentence.

Matt Swain

(That's OK, Matt.
You should apologize for your "reasoning."
My daddy didn't own a radio station, so yes, Rush has a bigger
audience than I do. Besides, Jerry Springer gets more ad dollars
than responsible TV, so what's your point?)

More Monkey Mail

>From: John Rothra 

>Subject: Wrongo buddy!

>BartCop, I have some questions:

>1. Have you ever heard Rush's program?

(Yes, I have.
 If you had any memory skills, you'd recognize that
 I'm writing about things Rush talked about recently.)

>2. Do yo know what humer and sarcasm is?

(I know what sarcasm is,
 but what's humer?)

>3. Do you have ANY idea what the Nazi was?

(The Nazi?
Was he fat and obnoxious?)

>I believe the answer to these questions is "no."
>Let me go in reverse order and explain the facts to you.

>Q3 - The Nazi movement was one of hattred.
>They wanted to create a "pure" race of white people.
>They hated jews, gays, blacks, etc.

(Whose side are you on?)

>Rush doesn't hold this beleif.
>He idolizes blacks such as JC Watts and Martin Luther King.

(Rush ridicules MLK every chance he gets, and he only quotes
 him to "prove" blacks shouldn't be allowed in colleges.
 And he likes Uncle OJ Watts for two reasons:

>First, Uncle OJ wants a tax cut.
>That makes him "One of the good ones."
>Second, like with Bo Snerdly, it gives him "cover" from
>the charge that he's a racist, whore-dog, KKK naziboy.)

>Q2 - Satire is humor that makes a political or religious point.

(You're right - none of that here.)

>Q1 - I seriously doute you've EVER listened to his program...

(Ha ha.
 I "doute" you could beat Quayle in a spelling beee.)

>Plus... you didn't even spell his name correctly!!!!!
>You have NO idea what you are talknig about.

>John Rothra

(John, when you fought Godzilla, who won?)

Compare these two statements:
 

1. "We do not market to children, and WILL not.
    We do not survey anyone under the age of 18."

    -- RJR CEO James Johnston, testifying before Congress,
       under oath, April 14, 1994

2. "To ensure increased and longer-term growth for Camel Filters,
     the brand must increase its share penetration among the
    14-18 age group. They are tomorrow's cigarette business."

    -- RJR Memo by J.F.Hind, waaaaaaaay back in 1975

It's time to put one of Rush's biggest myths to bed.
Whenever a liberal says we should take positive steps to
reduce teen smoking, Rush and his friends say:

"If you're going to try to cripple BIG CANCER,
 why not go after McDonald's, too?"

"After all, fat kills," they say.

That's a pretty good point,

...for me to POOP on!

Rush would have you think tobacco and fried foods pose
equal risks for the consumer in the free market.

But, what if...

(Oh, NO!
 Oh, Noooooooooooooooo...
 It's a BartCop "IF" question!
 Run and Hide!
 Run and Hiiiiiide!)

What IF medical science proved, beyond any doubt, that
McDonald's secretly added a harmful, addictive ingredient
to their hamburgers that made you, against your will,
return to McDonald's, several times a day, day after day?
And eventually, you'll DIE from this "secret sauce."

"IF" science proved that, you'd want them punished, right?

Since Bill Clinton has been president, the big cancer boys
have been forced to reveal what they've kept hidden:

-They KNEW they were killing 400,000 Americans a year

-They added extra nicotine and fucking ammonia to their
  products to ensure a greater level of addiction.
  The bastards even added formadahyde, for Christ's sake.

-They targeted teenagers "to ensure tommorow's profits."

Y'know how everytime a liberal suggests nicotine ought
to kill less than 400,000 Americans every year, the GOFP
reminds us that Big Cancer isn't breaking any laws.

"Last time I looked, death-by-cancer is legal in America,"
 says Limba, with his characteristic smirk.

I have a question.

Making movies is legal, and the GOFP attacks Hollywood
at every speech and every fund-raiser.

yet...

yet...

yet Hollywood doesn't KILL 400,000 people every year.
So what makes Big Cancer a Republican favorite?

It can't be the 400,000 corpses every year.
No, that's not it.

Could it be the millions they receive from the Cancer Lobby?
Nah...

Those tobacco boys are friends with Rush, Newtie and Helms.
Why should their reputations be suspect?

Don't worry about that...
That's not important.

We need to keep your eye on Mike Espy's indictment for
"illegal" football tickets.

We need to determine what's important in our lives.

Let me ask a question or two:

Will 400,000 people die if Espy gets Cowboys tickets?
Will 400,000 people die if Clinton gets a hummer?

We're trying two experiments:

Experiment One:

As you know, ol' BartCop can be a windbag.
So, this is a truncated version of Volume 122.
You can read the complete version at the website located at bartcop.com

I realize this may be an inconvenience to those of you without internet access,
but sometimes I just prattle on like a woman (just kidding) and I didn't want
to send a 100K e-mail to every poor bastard that has the misfortune
to have a subscription to RL-LNW.

So, if you have nothing better to do,
go to  bartcop.com  for more of Volume 122

Experiment Two:

I'm sure this experiment will go over like a lead balloon,
but you, the reader, can interview BartCop.
Sorta like "Open Line Fridays."

E-mail a question to me and we'll put it in the
next issue. The question can be serious, or funny,
or you ditto-monkeys can try to stump me.
(snicker)

So think up a question and send it in.
You can be anonymous if you want.
(Recommended for sheep.)

Try to keep it short, tho

C'mon, you've always wanted to write to BartCop, IQ-of-60 boy.
Why not do it now, while you're thinking about it?

This may not work, but it might - and it's FREE!

I see the NRA opened an office in Springfield, Oregon.

The little mother-effer got off 51 shots before a kid
with a bullet in his chest got up and tackled him.

Where's a well-regulated militia when you need one?

If that kid merely had a .357, he could've only shot
six kids before he would've had to stop and reload.
Thanks to the NRA, he was able to fire another 45 times.
That's 45 more bullets in the bodies of schoolkids.

Thanks, N.R.A.

They said he fired with Republican cold-heartedness, too.
The skinny radio whore, Dr. Laura Mengele, blamed Clinton.
"As long as the economy is good, we don't care about
right and wrong, or morality or decency - as long as the economy is good."

Doc Meng, don't we have enough hate without your advertiser-funded, pretend-outrage?
You're on record as being pro AK-47's for every Judeo-Christian family,
so lose the feigned indignation and just fuck off, OK?

When she was on Larry King, she had "no opinion" to offer about our best president,
but when she's on her own show, she's as impartial as a Cuban boxing judge.

Then, Rush incorrectly said the NRA shouldn't be blamed,
"because the guns were stolen."

I wonder if that makes a whole lot of difference to the
people who lost part of their family to that little monster?

Well, they've done it again, and it pisses me off.

Rush spent three hours, an entire broadcast day on this:

Clinton was in Germany and, like all presidents, was asked
to award some medal to a veteran of World War Two.
The awardee's name was Gayle something.

Clinton asked her to stand up.
Trouble is, Gayle's a man.
Clinton's staff made a mistake.

In a sane America, that's how it would stay - a mistake.
But we don't live in a sane America.
We live in a whore-driven America.

So, Rush spend the entire day playing this tape.

Clinton: "I'd like to ask HER to come forward"....

Big Whore: "STOP THE TAPE, play it again," he whaled.

Clinton: "I'd like to ask HER to come forward"....

Lazy Bastard: "STOP THE TAPE," he'd whale again.

This shit went on for hours.
Usually, I can stand anything the dirty whore says.
The only thing I can't stomach (pun intended)
is when the ass repeats the same thing,
again and again and again and again and again.

I turned the radio off for a half hour or so.
When I turned it back on, "STOP THE TAPE."

Cheeses Christ!

The man's name is fucking GAYLE!!!!!!!!
Clinton should know, from memory, that Gayle is a man?

If his name was "Henry," and Clinton called him "her,"
you might make the case that Clinton is as stupid
as Dan Quayle or Red-Ink Reagan.

Excuse me, but who the fuck knew Gayle anyway?
He was the goddamn "toy angel" or some such shit,
hardly a figure for the history books.

I think running the world's only superpower is maybe
a little heavy on the mind, and if Clinton didn't
automatically assume that Gayle was a man, well,
excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse the fuck out of him.

...and speaking of sharp-as-a-tack Reagan,
Old Red-Ink Ronnie couldn't even remember the names
of his own hand-picked CABINET members, but that's OK.

Reagan's personal doctor wrote a book and verified this.
He said Ronnie also forgot his dog's name!
No, not Nancy, ...his four-legged dog.

I mean, c'mon...,
Who forget's their dog's name?

When asked why he, as the president's doctor, didn't say
anything to anybody about the president's brain troubles,
the doctor said "I just assumed he was getting old,"
as if THAT'S any comfort.

Does it matter WHY the old goat can't think anymore?

Now THAT'S a fucking outrage - that America would let
a bumbling, brain-atrophied, out-of-work ACTOR
(and his astrology-addicted wife)
make decisions that affect everyone on the planet.

Rush kept whining about everyone else's lack of coverage.
"Why aren't all the OTHER news outlets running this story?"

The whores at ABC didn't run it,
The whores at CBS didn't run it,
The whores at NBC didn't run it,
The whores at CNN didn't run it,
The whores at FOX didn't run it,
The whores at MSNBC didn't run it,
and you KNOW they would if it made any sense.

The news whores would run videotape of Willie Horton raping
their mothers if they thought it might raise viewership 1 percent.

Worse, (and it always gets worse for the Republicans,)
Kato Burn on Capitol Gang made this her super-smug
"Outrage of the Week," saying "this is just ANOTHER example
of how the draft-dodger is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
detatched from the workings of the military."

Outrage?

Eat me, you dried up old bag.

The outrage is that you hate-mongers get on TV, day
after day
after day
after day
after day
after day
and hammer
and hammer
and hammer
and hammer
and hammer home to the moronic, religious-right
the "fact" that Clinton is a bad, bad man,
determined to destroy America at any cost.

That's the outrage, you old bitch.

Kato, I have a good idea that'll make you feel better.
Why don't you call Doc Meng, get a couple of quarts of gin,
a paperback with Fabio on the cover,
two Harley-Davidson vibrators,
yeah...the big, black and silver ones with the kick starts,
and the two of you could rent a motel room and try to break
some crust off those cold, dead hearts of yours.
Maybe then, you could try to rejoin the human race.

Do it - you'll be glad you did.

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Email the Author: Bartcop He's laughing at you!