Two issues in three days?
You know what that means...
This issue must be full of reruns, rejects and sub-standard
material NOT WORTHY to be included in previous issues.
We're sending this issue to The Academy for consideration.
They say Clinton's been walking around the White House saying,
"Quick, pull my finger."
When somebody does, another Republican Squeaker resigns.
So far in the White House, only two people have fallen for it.
True Dumbass Quotes
"The flag is falling."
"We have to catch the flag."
"Don't let the flag hit the ground."
"Don't let the flag hit the ground."
"We have a date with history."
-- the very sweaty Henry Hyde (R-Ho'er)
Excuse me, Dr. Jekyl.
The flag isn't falling.
Those are your poll numbers.
And you don't have a date with history.
You have a date with angry voters.
For you, that's like a date with an angry colonectometrist.
Henry, after 40 years being a pretty decent guy,
what made you turn ho're this very last year?
Months ago, people were saying things like:
"Henry Hyde is fair."
"Henry Hyde is a decent man."
"Henry Hyde is a man we can trust."
"Henry Hyde is the right man to run the hearings."
Anybody heard those sentences lately?
Henry could've been Time's Man of the Year, the man who brought
two fighting factions together and healed a torn country.
Henry Hyde turned ho'er, instead.
Maybe it was his guilt about destroying that family.
Poor Henry Hyde.
Doktor Laura Mengele says sexual preditors never change.
Pray for Dr. Jekyl and his conscience.
...what's a ho'er to do?
After a decent, 40-year career, Henry's stuck.
Tom "the Lil' Hammer" Delay issued orders.
All or Nothing.
Either the anti-Christ leaves or he gets off scott-free.
No in-between, no compromise, no plea-bargaining.
Clinton told a lie about sex.
We, as the party who supports the rule of law, either execute
him or we admit there's no rule of law in today's America.
(See how a Christian might buy into this?)
Why would Henry Hyde turn ho'er?
Why now, so close to retirement?
Did Delay threaten to expose his scumbag past?
Did Delay threaten to expose his secret family?
Or was that Dan Burton that had the secret family?
Y'know, as hard as I'm trying, it's tough to keep up
with all these latest GOFP-scumbagism revelations.
You're stuck, and we understand that.
Stop looking for a way to "slick" your way out of this.
Your congressional poll numbers are the lowest in 28 years,
while Clinton has 70 percent of American voters behind him.
The only way out is to vote for censure and go home.
Bill Clinton has kicked fascist ass again.
The only way to get out of this, Henry,
and I'm telling you this as a friend,
is to bend over and grab your ankles and let Bill Clinton
paddle your chalky-white fat ass repeatedly.
Each time he swats you, after each grunt, you're to say,
"Thank you, Slayer of the Reagan-Error. May I have another?"
My sources say if you agree to 700 paddles, Bill Clinton won't
what he read
in your secret FBI file about the two dead hairdressers you had buried in Louisiana.
There's a certain Mr. Sanders that knows about this.
Perhaps at some point, he'll come forward.
By the way, not a single US soldier or plane was lost in Iraq.
That's how Bill Clinton executes a war.
...and I still don't understand why Republicans would rather
our men die under Reagan/Butch than come home under Clinton.
The Council of Conservative Citizens has announced their lineup
for their annual Christmas Party in all-white southern Mississippi.
This year the CCC will have the following white men as speakers:
Trent Lott (R-Homophobe)
David Duke (R-Klansman)
Bob Barr (R-Knuckledragger)
In a recent address, Lott told CCC members:
"The people in this room stand for the right principles and the right philosophy.
Let's take it in the right direction, and our children will be the beneficiaries."
Earlier this year, Trent Lott donated $2200 so the CCC could
pointy, lil' Klan hoods
to be given away to the children as prizes at this year's Christmas party.
Who created the bigger stain?
President Clinton - 29 percent
House Republicans - 64 percent
Michael Huffington 6 percent
"Since our top leaders turned out to be lying scumbags
and had to resign, Bill Clinton should resign, too."
It doesn't work that way, sheep.
America LOVES their president, and they don't like it when
the majority party puts their president on trial for no reason.
Clinton saved America's economy.
He reduced crime, and teen pregnancy and interest rates.
He increased jobs, wages and our standard of living.
He fattened the retirement portfolios for 70 million retirees.
He gave us peace and prosperity.
What did Snoot or Livingston ever do for us?
I'm embarrassed to say there was something important
left out of the last issue, RL-LNW Volume 134.
I forgot to say the GOFP can eat me.
We at RL-LNW regret the omission.
"Former Wrestling Coach Charles Hastert
Chosen Next Speaker by DeLay and Armey"
This won't work, either.
The Lil' Hammer and the Foul-Mouthed Dick better keep looking.
I have pictures of Charles Hastert in a gay bathhouse
cheating on his wife, doing ...things for the camera.
Did Hastert CHOOSE to become a wrestling coach?
Or was he born with the desire to wrestle with sweaty men?
If I have these pictures, Larry Flynt has 'em.
Backdoor Bettina Gregory of ABC News must have 'em, too.
Soon, Mrs. Hastert will have 'em.
Keep looking, guys.
Great Independent Quotes
"It's like watching a football game.
They line up at the ball, and as soon as they hike it,
the right side of the line runs back and sacks their own quarterback,
their own Commander-in-Chief.
As soon as he gets up, they sack him again,
all the time screaming how 'united they are' as a team.
I just don't get it."
-- Gerry Spence, noted attorney
Uncle O.J. Watts is on This Week with Sam and Cokie Jack-skirt
saying Livingston shouldn't have resigned his post because
"we all have something in our past, from 15-20 years ago
where somebody might've taken a snapshot, and now they're
going to use that snapshot to say that's who we are now."
Guaranteed, Uncle O.J. is one of the "Dirty Dozen" who are
to have their tawdry affairs exposed before the end of the year.
When he was quarterback at Oklahoma, Uncle O.J. was fond of
"reverse Oreo cookies," where the black is in the middle.
But, we didn't know until today that there are pictures...
When Ollie Traitor testified under oath about Iran-Contra?
Remember how goddamn PROUD the GOFP was that he lied?
Remember they said "It's OK that he lied under oath because
Congress is such shit they don't deserve to be told the truth."
I remember that.
That really happened.
David Duke To Run For Livingston's Seat
David Duke, the former Ku Klux Klan wizard and Louisiana Nazi
will join the congressional race to fill Livingston's seat.
Gee, I wonder which party would support a Klan wizard?
"We need at least one member of Congress who dares to stand up
for the rights and the heritage of European Americans," said Duke,
who is Chairman of the Republican Party in St. Tammany Parish,
the only majority GOP county in Louisiana.
I KNEW it!!
Republicans will support the KKK guy, no problemo.
...and they wonder why blacks vote Democrat?
If you get a chance, visit http://www.smudgereport.com
It's in my Top Five websites.
They have links to everything, all on one small page.
Any place you can't reach from smudgereport.com
probably isn't worth reaching, anyway.
Tom "the Lil' Hammer" Delay
Tom Delay was once a lowly bug exterminator from Sugarland,
Some say he's now the most powerful man in the House.
It begs two questions:
- How the fuck did that happen?
- Why doesn't HE become the Squeaker?
Matt Fudge, our roving, gay reporter has filed this story:
Tom Delay is currently paying $12,500 per month to an attorney
in Houston to remain silent. It seems a bug spray nozzle and
a vacuum hose from a 1978 Ford F-150 are prepared to file a
sexual battery suit against Delay if the payments ever stop.
Delay's defense, if this story gets out, is that he was
separated from wife #2 at the time, and "had no other outlet."
The papers that could be filed at any time describe
"several improper, forced sexual encounters between the bug nozzle,
the vacuum hose, and the Lil' Hammer."
The attacks were said to have occurred in Delay's basement.
If he gets to be Squeaker, there might be more money to be made
unmasking his sexual kinks than keeping quiet about them.
Honk and Slit Your Wrist
If You Think Clinton Should Go
Watching the House Impeachment Circus Saturday, I noticed
each speaker was directing his remarks to "the Squeaker."
But there was no Squeaker there.
for being such a hated prick,
and Livingston had to resign for being a lying, stab-in-the-back.
So who were these donkey's speaking to?
It got so bad, my cat threw up.
Oh, sure, you can say it was a furball,
but my cat knows a failed, partisan witchhunt when he sees one.
Not B'orrin Hatch ...AGAIN?????
Why does Tim Russert torture us this way?
Russert: Senator Hatch, will there be a trial?
Hatch: There are some people who think there might be...
B'orrin Hatch went to the Bob Dole school of DC Double-speak.
They say if the Senate starts a trial,
the Senators must remain silent "under penalty of jail."
Shit, it'd be worth the impeachment trial just to see
B'orrin Hatch shut his goddamn mouth for a few minutes.
Something positive might come out of this after all.
Here's a list of Five Democratic Traitors who should turn GOFP,
because they enjoy watching their country being torn apart.
I'll bet they'd like to hear your thoughts.
GENE TAYLOR, MISS. firstname.lastname@example.org
PAUL MCHALE, PA. email@example.com
RALPH HALL, TEXAS, firstname.lastname@example.org
CHAS STENHOLM,TEXAS, email@example.com
VIRGIL GOODE, VA. firstname.lastname@example.org
(List provided by Voltai Press at Voltai29@geocities.com
Stop getting your news on dead trees.
For tomorrow's news today, send e-mail to Voltai29@geocities.com)
You should write to the traitors the same way we write RL-LNW:
1 - Write a honest, straight-forward, pull-no-punches letter.
2 - Drink a fifth of tequila, then re-write the message adding
personal slurs, bad words and gratuitous character assassinations.
3 - Press send.
"Those of us who are sinners must feel especially wretched
losing Bob Livingston under such sad circumstances.
One's self-esteem gets utterly crushed at times like this."
-- Henry Hyde (R-Sinner)
Is the flag still falling?
Why didn't YOU resign?
Has ego clouded your mind?
What comes first, Henry?
Your ego or your country?
"Times like this" can be a real bitch, Henry.
You should call off your partisan sex-hunt.
Oh, that's right, I forgot.
...the Rule of Law.
Great Snide, Shitty Quotes
"We're doing something that hasn't been done in 130 years."
-- several gleeful GOFP partisans
Hey, it's not like you're setting a new home run record, guys.
You're just proving it's been 130 years since a bunch of 'holes
this ugly and partisan have come together to sustain a crisis
that the voters wanted ended back in January.
WASHINGTON (AP) President Clinton's job approval rating climbed
over the 70 percent mark following his impeachment by the House
on Saturday, according to an NBC News poll.
Remember this, when you hear someone say,
"Both sides should knock it off."
All this year, one side has wanted to work on health care and
Social Security and the Patient's Bill of Rights and other stuff.
One side wants to replay Monica and Linda Tripp and Ken Starr
again and again and again and again and again and again.
They want to play sex police, even tho THEY keep getting caught.
Remember that, when they say "both sides..."
Did you see Carville and Matalin on Meet the Whore?
When they were done, they got their kids on the set.
Russert asked the older child,
"Is Santa a Democrat or a Republican?"
Before she could answer, Matalin, the former-GOFP boss
cut her off and said "Don't answer him, Honey."
No doubt, the kid was going to say "Santa is a Democrat!"
Then Russert asked the kid what she was getting from Santa.
"A bug sprayer," no doubt from Tom "Lil' Hammer" Delay.
She's going to spray the house after Mommy's friends visit.
The Day they Impeached The President
Frank Sesno on CNN, Saturday 10:42 AM EDT
"The House is in considerable turmoil at this moment.
Nobody had any idea that Bob Livingston was going to resign.
It was such a shock, it was so unexpected, predicted by nobody."
Predicted by nobody?
ABC didn't see this coming.
CBS didn't see this coming.
NBC didn't see this coming.
CNN didn't see this coming.
even semen-stain Drudge was blank.
subscribers to RL-LNW got this "predicted by nobody" scoop
on December 18th at 21:39:08 EST, the day BEFORE Sesno said
"nobody could have predicted this shocking news."
(The time is stamped on all e-mail)
RL-LNW subscribers read this, the day before:
>I have a surprise for you.
>My sources in DC say Livingston will NOT be the next Squeaker.
>The GOFP is trying to find a Republican who's NOT a scumbag.
Stay tuned to RL-LNW Internet Newsletter,
America's best source for insider information and analysis.
More people get their hot, insider political scoops
from RL-LNW Internet Political Humor Newsletter than any
other Internet Political Humor Newsletter in the world.
It's late Saturday, December 19, 1998
The party at BartCop Manor geared up when Article two failed.
I don't know if it was the whiskey or the cough syrup,
but I just couldn't stop laughing.
It started when Mrs. BartCop woke me up and said,
"Livingston resigned, just like you said he would."
I'll try to explain this...
Any musicians out there?
In music slang, there's a thing called a "fall."
It's when everyone comes in at the same time, but there's
no count, no signal, no way to know exactly when to come in,
but the really good bands get the hang of it after a while.
Best "fall" I ever heard was on Zeppelin's first album.
Plant screams, "Ohhhhh, I can't quit you, babe..."
There's a small wait....
...then BOOM! The band's all here.
That's what Livingston was.
A great "fall."
I mean, c'mon, where's your math?
Here's what Livingston was thinking:
A. I'm a scumbag,
B. There's a flood of bimbo's ready to hit the talk shows,
C. My party has a sex hang-up.
D. I'm going to fall like a safe.
Ray Charles could see it coming.
That Clinton - what a genius.
As soon as Livingston announced his "shocking" resignation,
Clinton called for him to reconsider his decision.
It was perfect.
"We must stop the politics of personal destruction," Clinton said.
He knows Livingston can't come back,
Bimbo's on Heraldo, bimbo's on Roseanne, bimbo's on Larry King,
so Clinton takes the high road and asks him back, anyway.
Y'know, except for one night in 1994, Bill Clinton has beaten
and man-handled the GOFP "thinkers" at every turn for 6 years.
Clinton is the only man in history who could look like
a winner on the day he was impeached.
They say Bill Clinton can't be trusted, and they're half-right.
Clinton can't be trusted to hide and cry when he's attacked.
You better wear your vest when you attack the King.
His attackers should be thinking "defense."
We've still got 10 or 11 GOFP scumbags to be outed.
The Republicants continute their canoe ride towards the falls.
The voters are solidly behind their President,
and Bill Clinton gets to take the high road.
That's why Democrats are smiling...
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