Vol 140 - Judas Maximus

When was the last time we started off with a big, fat, nazi,
lying, race-baiting, personal slur from His Pigness?

My personal opinion, (infer a perjorative if you must,)
is that Limba the Grand Dragon, is a lying asshole.

Do I have any examples?

"One of the characteristics of the American left is a distrust and dislike for this country."
      -- Pigboy, on his Lil' hate radio show, 3/13

Feedbag, you ugly dung nugget.
You make money when you widen the gap between Americans.
That's a goddamn shame.

Liberals don't hate their country.
You made that shit up so you could sell more coffee mugs that say "Bush Never Had To Pardon Anybody."

The very idea...

Pigboy - defend yourself.
Can you?

"Liberals dislike America?"

No wonder the Party of Hate can't win an election.
You know, Pigboy, the abortion bombers have more class.
At least they're insane for a cause.

You're just selling out for whore's sake, and America knows it.

The Rush-affiliated AM station in Knuckledrag, Oklahoma - KRMG,
is also the local factory rep for ammonium nitrate, natch.
You might remember that Michael Del Giorno ditto-monkey.
(I still have that wav file of him reading my fax.)

There's this other dude who's got the morning drive.
His stage name is John Erling.
He's "Erling in the Morning."

Get it?

In Knuckledrag, Oklahoma they LOVE a great pun like that.

For twenty years, this Erling dude was a middle-roader.
Of course, in Knuckledrag, anyone to the left of David Duke is a "pinko-commie" according to
the Branch-Davidian, snake-handlin', cockfighters who elected Senator Nickles and Senator Pissquick.

Now, in 1999, he turns ditto-monkey.

Every day, over and over, he asks why America is willing to accept a rapist as president.
Again and again, he gave out the phone number for NBC President Andy Lack, so his new ditto-sheep
could bombard NBC with calls saying "We want to hear from Juanita Broddrick."

I don't mind him having an opinion.
I don't mind his blind, destructive hate.
I don't mind his manipulation of the ignorant Oklahoma farmers,
but he's nothing but a fucking shame whore.

Del Giorno is seriously religiously insane, and that's OK too,
as long as they keep it away from the schools and the courthouse.
But Erling's just a fucking shame whore.

He doesn't believe any of this crap, he's just milking the idiots and whoring for ratings.
This Del Giorno caveman is his boss.
Maybe he told Erling to get in line with the Simian Collective or find a new job,
so he decided to turn full-bore whore.

Or, maybe he's just scared.
Maybe I should give him a break.

Yeah, that's it.
BartCop compassion.

<time lapse>

Since I was feeling so compassionate, today, the 18th, I hand-delivered a bottle of Listerine
and a sympathy card from Hallmark to the receptionist at John Erling's radio station.

On the card I wrote:

Dear John,

Please accept this gift from a compassionate liberal.
You can gargle with this mouthwash if you ever grow tired
of the taste of Rush Limbaugh's semen.

Former fan,

(...compassion is a staple of BartCop-ism.)

Lewis Won That Fight

You know it.
I know it.
Bob Dole knows it.
The 'Merican people know it.

If Holyfield was really a Christian, he'd hand that belt to
Lennox and say, "You deserve this, Champ."

But nooooooooooooo.

Did you know Holyfield has a zipper problem?
He has NINE children by SIX women, ...and that's swear to Koresh.

Evander Holyfield, ...the paper champ.

Judas Maximus

Regular readers know how I feel about whores.

I don't mind, so much, lady-of-the-evening sexual rentals,
...but I hate it when someone sells their dignity for money.

What's worse than a whore?
A goddamn traitor, that's what.

Judas Maximus, formerly known as George (Steffi) Stephanopolous,
(don't care how he spells it) is the very worst of the whores.

What did Lil' Prick say when Dick Morris wrote his fuck-Clinton book?
What did Judas Maximus say BEFORE he turned whore/traitor?

"When you write a book, you have a responsibility not to embarrass the president.
  It hurts the country. It's just stupidity and weakness."
     -- Judas Maximus, before he turned whore/traitor.

"Stupid" and "weak."

That's what "Steffie" said about Morris the Dick,
then he betrays his president, and his country, the same way?

Hey, asshole!
If you've got something to say, fucking SAY IT.

You act like you're sitting on some big smoking gun, so ...what,
...we're supposed to gather round you and BEG YOU to tell us
the "real" reason that you hate the man who made you a big star?

You put a picture of Clinton's cock on the cover just to get the red-meat McVeigh crowd
to pony up some nazi dollars.  You'd be Gephardt's cabanaboy if it wasn't for Clinton.
They say you got more than $2,000,000 for this betrayal.

Did they pay you in silver, Steffie?

They THOUGHT they had him when rumors surfaced of a secret affair.

They THOUGHT they had him when rumors surfaced that he exposed himself.

They THOUGHT they had him when rumors surfaced that he groped a woman.

They THOUGHT they had him when rumors surfaced of an intern.

They THOUGHT they had him when rumors surfaced of a "rape."

How long before they find a decomposing body?

Great Doc Meng Quotes

"Well, we've got Monica and Bill, two consenting adults.
  We almost brought down a presidency, families have been upset and almost destroyed.
  You have his family upset and humiliated.
  But it was two consenting adults, you know.
  What if Monica had gotten pregnant?"
     -- Spred-'em-and-Home-Wreck-'em Doc Meng, on Larry 8-Wives King

Hey, Laura!
I'm not a medical doctor,
but I'm pretty sure an woman can't get pregnant if she blows a guy at work.

Jesus Heche Christ, Doc Meng!

Are you... like, ...really stupid or something?

I'll best most fifth graders know you can't get pregnant from a blow job.
Why don't you know that, Home-Wreck-'em?

Pregnant from a blow job, Doc Meng?

ha ha

...and while we're on the subject, the Simian Collective keeps wanting Sid Blumenthal put in jail
for alledgedly saying that Monica was a stalker who demanded sex from the president.

This is EXACTLY what she was, assuming her testimony can be believed,
and granted, that's a hueueueueuege assumption.

In her own words, she said she demanded that Clinton have intercourse with her, and he refused,
and that's why she started calling him 'a creep," because he refused to have sex with her.

So, Doc Meng, as if this GOSSIP was any of your goddamn business, Monica had no chance of
getting pregnant from the president.  Besides, I thought you didn't like people who gossip, ...bitch.

...by the way

Do you all know Monica Lewinsky has a degree in psychology?
Did you know Laura the Unloved ...does not?

ha ha

Monica is more qualified to help people than Home-Wreck-'em.

ha ha

GOFP posterboy Randy Weaver had his own booth at the
Knuckledrag Gun Show, right next to the booth Bo Grits rented.
In Oklahoma, Randy Weaver is bigger than Jesus Christ.

You see, his wife's murder was ordered by the father of the current front-runner for
the Republican nomination for President, George Herbert Traitor Butch, Junior.

...yet somehow,

a picture of Clinton wearing a swastika is posted in every gun
store in America, even thought it was a Republican who had
Mrs. Weaver assassinated while she was holding her baby.

Ain't it a small world?

Great Piggy-Piggy Quotes

"The liberal democrats are SO SCARED, they're in a MAJOR PANIC!
Right now, they're so scared, they're having Gephardt endorse
Gore for president, THAT'S how scared they are."
    -- Slurmaster, 3/17

Rush, are we as scared as we were in the summer of 1996?
When Clinton was 25 points ahead of Dole, you said
"All the liberals are in ABJECT PANIC" over the election.

Tell me, Rush.

Are we as scared NOW as we were then?

You know who else I'm getting tired of?

Sally Quinn

Many years ago, she crawled under the desk of Ben Bradley
and "brought home the final edition" if you know what I mean.
Now, all she can do is whine about sluts and men who cheat.

Larry (8-Wives) King must be reeeeeeeeeeal short on quests to
have this suck-her-way-to-power woman on every other night.

As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between Sally Quinn
and Monica Lewinsky is forty years and a bottle of peroxide.

Caller: Doc Meng, I think my husband might be cheating.

Meng: (Shreiking)


Caller: Could you take a breath and calm down?
            Can you be a professional for a minute?
            I said I think he MIGHT be cheating.

Meng: If you're not sure, then maybe he's worth keeping.

Yoots Mail

From: Charles H.

>Hello Bartcop

>First of all I would like to thank you. I am 14 and my dad is a
>VERY liberal person, thus through osmosis I am very liberal,
>which is pretty hard since the majority of people in my town
>are ditto-monkeys to the end.

>My dad once a week or whenever a new bartcop copy comes out,
>calls me to our computer room, I lie down on the couch and he
>proceeds to read me your current issue and explains things I
>may not quite fully understand (ie. Sen. Pissquick, etc.)
>I would like to subscribe to your newsletter;
>you can send it to myself.



Thanks for writing.
Yes, it's always best to have a parent to explain all the
things the Republican party wants to do to minorities.

...like that man in Texas with the pick up truck.

He is a true ditto-monkey.

A few issues back, RL-LNW predicted:

Clinton's stock market will hit 10,000 before
Ken Starr pulls his head out of his ass.

Well, it's happened.
Clinton's stock market has broken the 10,000 barrier.

You know, the Dow was at 3500 when Clinton took office.
Think how many tens of millions of retirees have TRIPLED their life savings because
of Clinton, yet the GOFP says he should be removed for getting a lil' blow job.

Mr. President, America loves you, and America thanks you.

Meanwhile, Po' Kenny, pulling and grunting,
trying his best to find SOMETHING on SOMEBODY
so they'll roll over on this president.

Liddy Dole is already whining about not being taken seriously
as a presidential candidate.

Hey, Liddy, I have a thunderbolt for you:

The Reich doesn't run pro-choicers.

You've got to renounce women's rights if you want the McVeigh
rank-and-file fascists to rally behind you and contribute money.

Besides, you have a vagina.
Who are you kidding?

Rush says American women are unable to make sound decisions
because they tend to think with their vaginas.

...and he gets his "facts" from God, so there!

Someone said the Hustler Ditto-Monkey Expose' was out.
Pigboy said Mary Bono was on the cover.

Bill Maher said Mary denied cheating on Sonny.
Maher said she accidentally skied into a penis.

Two good quotes from an article by Gabriel Garcia Marquez:

Toni Morrison, a Nobel Prize winner and one of the greatest
writers of this dying century, sums it up in one inspired flourish.
'They have treated Clinton as if he were a black president.'


That would have been a historic ending to an unforgettable evening
had Fuentes not gone one step further. He asked Clinton who he
considered to be his enemies. The answer was instant.

'My only enemy is right-wing religious fundamentalism.'

Great True Quotes

SI Mag: How did you feel when you learned you had the cover of
the swimsuit edition of Sport's Illustrated?

Rebecca: I supoose it must've been the same sort of feeling that Louis Armstrong had
when they told him he was going to be the first man to walk on the moon.

Old Business

Since the last issue, I've received several e-mails saying
the Area 51 flying circus has moved to either SE Utah or
it moved to a place called "Area 84" in Colorado.

If anyone has any info on this, contact us immediately.
If there's no show in the sky, we'll spend that last night doing
important government research on the effects of alcohol while gambling.

Also, it was pointed out that Mirage Resorts Inc
is a major contributor to the Simian Collective.

I called Steve to ask what the deal was, and they said he was
in Egypt helping Connie Chung's husband open ancient tombs.

So I called reservations to cancel my suite for the week.
I asked the operator if they wanted to know why I was bugging out.
She said "Yes," so I told her.

She became very upset and said she was a big Clinton fan and
did not know her employer was contributing to the reversal
of our sacred electoral process.

We have moved operations to Mandalay Bay, which they say is
owned in part by a Mr. Castanza.


We have a potential dark cloud.

Mrs. BartCop says we have to spend a few days in Sedona, AZ,
because they have rocks there that are "vortexes."

What's a vortex, you ask?

A vortex is a plain-fucking rock, upon which Sedona, Arizona
will RENT you sitting space for only $99 for three hours.

Are we living in good times or what?

Of course, "Mike the Guide" is our host, but Koresh, I ask myself,
does Mr. Science-and-Logic agnostic need a ride on a magic rock?
They say you can think clearer on these rocks.
(Dan Quayle lives in Arizona.)

I'll pound a fattie and SEE how "clearing" this red rock is.

I'm going to research on this vortex thing.

I've had a few requests for the recipe for Rock Island Teas.
We're a little crowded this issue, maybe in Vol 141.

This just in...

CNN reports Doc Meng's broom was ticketed for being left in a
"Parking By Permit Only" parking place outside CNN studios in DC.

When Will They Learn?

Well, let me say this. Ronald Reagan said America, "is not going to
become a steel dump for the world." He imposed quotas on imported steel,
quotas on imported automobiles. He imposed quotas on computer chips
coming into America, quotas on machine tools. Let me tell you,
Ronald Reagan, was an economic patriot.
   -- Pat Buchanan, Meet the Whore 3/13/99

Maybe, Pat, but this Reagan fellow doesn't seem to have any faith
in capitalism, free-market forces or American competitiveness.

I have a question.

Would it hurt Microsoft or Bill Gates to put some goddamn "8's"
in the solitaire game that comes with Windows 98?

Don't forget that great, great song that Rush sings:


It doesn't get any better than this.

BartCop's Consumer Reports

This is a commercial.

Far as I know, I'm the first to do this...
This is an honest commercial.
I'm not getting paid.

They charge me, BartCop, retail for their product.
That way, I have no incentive to lie, like paid whores do.
If somebody thinks I'm lying, could you please sue me
and force me to get on live TV and ask me what went
thru my mind when I wrote this,

ha ha


This is a commercial about chocolate.
Milk chocolate.
This is God's milk chocolate.

Your parents never tasted milk chocolate this good.
Your kids might not ever taste chocolate this good.

The best-Koreshdamn-tasting milk chocolate in the world.
Big, meaty, man-sized, triangular chunks of God's chocolate.

I don't care for Swiss chocolate.
I don't care for French chocolate.
Hershey and Nestle's are fine for street chocolate,
but I'm not talking about street chocolate, because, after all,

...are we in Inglewood?
...am I a near?

(Sorry, a Pulp-Saddles joke)

I'm talking about God's chocolate.
It can't get any better.
This chocolate starts out an 8 or 9 on the scale,
then it takes a giant leap forward.

The best part is, 60 seconds after the chocolate has gone,
60 seconds after the chocolate evidence has disappeared,
a vanilla-butter-cocoa taste in the back of your throat
sends e-mail to your orgasm center that rocks!

It's so cool.
It's called "Break Up" milk chocolate.

When you try this chocolate for the first time, you'll say,
"Yeah, it's OK... It's nice and creamy milk chocolate."


When you're done with it, if you have no kids, you'll say,
"Goddamn, that was some great mother-EFFING chocolate!
How much is that per pound, and where can I get more?"

I won't mention what fine, fine chocolate does for the ladies...
You younger, single, Democratic men might lissen up..
(Psst: buy your girl some of this chocolate.
It's so much more legal, and cheaper, than cocaine.)

You husbands, hide your credit cards.
This stuff is Brad Pitt to women.

I'm going to do product reviews from time to time.
It's no accident that this product for Number One.

Chocolate To Die For.
Would BartCop tell a lie?

If you can afford $50 for 5 lbs. on your credit card,
tongue-entertainment is in your future, either way...

Product Information:

The South's Finest Chocolate Factory
1060 World's Fair Park Drive
Knoxville, TN 37916

Don't tell them I sent you.
They've never heard of BartCop.


668 Days until Bill Clinton will receive oral sex again:

(that date good on March 18th)

Anon Mail

>Dear Sirs,

>I was looking for the web site of a company in Austin.
>The company is called Motive and, when my boss spelled it over
>the phone to me, M-O-T-I-V-E, her New York accent was so strong
>that I thought she said M-O-T-I-Z-E.

>Of course, there was no such place as www.motize.com; but just
>to be sure, I put the Alta Vista search engine after "motize."
>I got two hits, one of which was Pigboy trying to "hyp-motize" Clarence Thomas.

>I've referred all my friends to your URL.
>I'm glad I got in before the Dan Quayle price increase.


I've been shearing sheep lately on the Internet chat rooms.
I often start out with "Clinton's been great for Americs."

The ditto-monkey's chortle and grab each other's ass and declare
Clinton a "total disaster" for America.

I remind them that peace and prosperity is all we've ever wanted
from a leader, and Clinton gave us that.

Then, as they've been taught to say by Der Limba Fuhrer,
"Name one specific thing Clinton has done for the economy."

To which I reply:

I don't know Dole about economics, I admit that.
But I know of a couple of econ teachers who's word you can trust
that could explain it to you in ditto-monkey language:

House GOFP leader Armey the Foul-Mouthed Dick of Texas, who taught
college economics, called Clinton's 1993 economic plans,

"a recipe for disaster, a defeat for our economy and America."

Phil Gramm, (R-Porn Producer) who also taught economics, said,
"It's a one way ticket to recession. The deficit will be higher."

Dick and Gramm flatly stated outright that Bill Clinton's plans
would spell "disaster" and "recession."

Since then...

We have the lowest U.S. unemployment rate in 42 years,
no inflation, the biggest budget surplus in U.S. history and
a six percent plus growth rate in our last quarter.

What does this tell us?

That Dick and Gramm expected the Reagan/Butch economy to collapse
and they were laying the groundwork to blame Clinton.

Clinton reversed the Reagan/Butch error, so what do they say now?

"Clinton has NOTHING to do with the good economic news."

Gee, it's almost like they're lying...

More Old Business

The Indian Rope trick

Last issue, Henry Hyde warned us not to fall for the
Indian Rope trick when the Democrats play it.

I've been told that the Indian Rope trick is when a fakir
takes a soft, flaccid, limp piece of rope and magically
causes it to stiffen, harden, and point to the sky.

I must say I think Henry might've been right about this one.

Democrats have always been better at making the soft get hard,
getting the flaccid to become stiff, and taking that which is limp
and making it magically point towards the sky,


who would suggest that Clinton is not the Master of this trick?

Henry, you won that round...

Goodbye, Joe Dimaggio

Rispettato uomo

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