Vol 142 - Guns n' Moses

...or, "Happy Birthday, Adolph"

Hell,
I didn't even know the NRA had an office in Littleton...


A doctor on the RL-LNW subscription list says he's worried about my blood pressure.
He volunteered to monitor my BP while I dictate this issue LIVE into my headset.

As we begin, my blood pressure is at a decent 80/65


(clearing my throat...)

...are you ready, Doctor?

Right off the bat, I'm so disgusted with "pack journalism,"
especially when America's Pigboy Limba sets the agenda.

I keep hearing this insane question:

How can Clinton say "violence is bad" in Littleton,
and then bomb Milo's balls off in Kosovo?

This is one of those stupid, stupid, stupid questions that Pigboy starts,
then EVERYONE thinks it's so goddamn on-target,  so that same stupid, stupid question
gets asked on Crosswhore, The Capital Whores, the McWhore Group,
This Whore with Cokie Jackskirt,  Face the Whore, Meet the Catholic etc.

Why does Rush get to set the agenda for the whole country?
Because his daddy owned a radio station?
Pigboy, with his radio experience, drives this nation?
How is Pigboy qualified to decide what America talks about?

It's such a stupid goddamn question that should never have been asked but, since it's
gripped the entire nation in it's iron fist,  I'm going to answer the stupid, stupid question
that should never have seen the light of day. Since Pigboy runs America's media,
stupid, stupid questions need to be answered.

But first, I need a drink...

Ready?
The Question they alllllllllll want the answer to:

How can Clinton say "violence is bad," in Littleton,
and then bomb Milo's balls off in Kosovo?

First, I object to the bullshit-ambush nature of the question.
The question assumes that violence is violence.
It's not.

Shooting an armed, masked burglar in your kitchen is DIFFERENT
than shooting a pizza delivery boy "to see how it feels."

Republicans can't see that?

Are Republicans too stupid to see the difference?
Is that their problem?

Try this:
If FDR had been plagued with school violence,
would he have been a hypocrite to land troops at Normandy?

On one hand, you have tension between the normal kids and
the trenchcoat weirdos who like to hold hands in the halls.
(That's what they say in the lying media, so who knows?)

On the other hand we have an outlaw army going village to village
executing thousands of fathers and sons.

These two "evils" aren't equals, you duped, media morons!
How blind can a ditto-monkey be?
You sheep need to take a machete to your political hangups
and learn the difference between aggressor and victim.

Stopping genocide and murdering kids at school aren't the same.
They just fucking aren't.

One needs to happen, one doesn't.
Am I the only one who can't see this amazingly-clear parallel?
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one paying attention.
Sometimes the answers are so simple.

Pigboy invents a wacky, non-question, says it on his slur show,
and the entire American media says, "That's a GOOOOOOOOD question."

It's NOT a good question.
It blows donkey on it's face.

It's only value is in it's hook qualities that might keep you hanging on during the commercial break
so Pigboy can sell you a shower cleaner or a softer mattress to the ditto-suckers.

That question couldn't get past first semester business law.
It's a stupid, sophomoric Limba "I'm-a-whore" question.

And to you lazy media ticks, leeches and punk-ass barnacles...
Wake up, you lazy whores.

Rush attacks Clinton and our military with every fucking breath.
That doesn't mean you lazy whores should take him seriously.
Stop empowering that rich bastard and use your pinheads to try
to come up with your OWN goddamn questions for once.

I need another drink...


Blood Pressure is now 105/75


Long-Awaited Quotes
 

"Kenneth Starr is a pussy who doesn't have the balls to
put my client on trial again - I'd LOVE to see him try."

   -- Susan McDougal attorney Mark Garegos, Slayer of Starr,


Since losing weight, Pigboy has officially been downgraded from "gasbag" to "blowhard."

Our condolences to the E.I.B.


True Fax

Did you know JUJY-FRUITS, the popular, chewy movie candy
is made by the Henry Heide Corporation?

Koresh as my witness...


Classy Republican Quotes

"When Monica went to blow Clinton, she had to elbow Eleanor Cliff out of the way."

-- Anne Coulter, who knows how to wear those micro-mini skirts
but can't remember to cross her legs when she's on TV


...and another arguement I'm tired of hearing:
Rush said it again this last week.

"Clinton is helping Milosombitch.
Clinton and Slobo are cut from the same cloth!
Their psychological profiles are identical!
The only effect Clinton is having on Kosovo is making it worse!"

Let me explain this with a parable even ditto-monkeys might understand.

Let's say an arsonist moves into your town.
He burns a family out of their home every Friday.

With me so far?
One family home burns every Friday.

After three Friday fires in a row, the Mayor announces he's
forming a special task force to catch the son of a bitch.

When Sparky hears about this, he calls KRMG-AM radio station and says,
"Since they're trying to catch me, I'm going to burn down two houses
per week instead of one, all praise to Rush Limba and Allah."

Would the nazi AM radio station then declare:

"The mayor is helping the arsonist.
The mayor and the arsonist are cut from the same cloth.
The mayor and the arsonist have identical psychological profiles.
The task force must be made up of bungling fools.
The only effect the task force has had is to make it worse.
The mayor should STOP trying to halt these fires."

Is that what they'd say?
Probably.

If it's the station that broadcasts Rush's hate show?
Certainly.

The "blame-America-first" crowd sees Clinton as Milo's "enabler."
If the crimes increase, blame the people trying to stop the crime,
don't blame the murdering bastard who's committing the crimes
...because Rush the whore SAID SO.

The Republican's Golden Rule on Foreign Policy:
Never accuse the person responsible
Always accuse America first, then find a Democrat to blame.

That's how today's GOFP raises money.
Hate is their glue.

Their stock has gone from 86 to 16,
but they're still certain that hate will win the day.


BP is now 120/90


Dan Quayle For President
 

Seriously, I pledge my full support.
As a would-be comedy writer, I'll even contribute money.

Battle-tested,
experienced,
pro-family,
tough on communism,

This country needs a president like Dan Quayle.

I just saw him on Crossfire Monday, the 26th.
He had the perfect solution to tragedies like Littleton:

"If your kid has a sawed-off shotgun, take it away from him."

This man is a genius, and should be president.
I know what his motto should be, too.

"Dan Quayle - Less Stupid Than You Think."


Mail Bag

From: Dean

>Bartcop,
>I like your newsletter, but I disagree with Clinton.

Thank you.
Seems like only one out of 10 gets the joke.
You like the humor but you're not a sheep.
That's what I'm looking for
.
I don't want people to follow me.
I don't want to lead anyone.
I'm just jokeboy with a modem.

>Clinton is a scumbag.
>Not as bad as Limba, but bad enough to deserve some disdain.
>Example:

>President Clinton on the school shootings:
>"We must reach out to our children and teach them to resolve
>their conflicts with words, not weapons."

>How could he keep a straight face while bombing Yugoslavia?

(Sigh...
 Please see opening rant.)

>I can't support Clinton.
>The man lacks a moral compass.
>His compass needle is stuck on himself.
>The power of the office has corrupted him beyond recognition.

Several points here:
Clinton took on big tobacco, and they gave millions to the GOP.
Clinton took on the NRA, and they gave millions to the GOP.
Clinton took on the wacko-right, and they gave millions to the GOP.
Clinton tried to get something for the gays, and the GOP broke all fund-raising records.

If Clinton was just another political whore,
just another lying Washington weasel,
why didn't he strike a deal with these paid-for bums
and deny the GOP the hundreds of millions to spend against him?

...it's almost like he stands for something.

>Remember the Bill Clinton, anti-war protestor?
>He can jump into this because no one is dying, on our side.
>Lives on the other side don't count, even women and children.

Whoa!

Perhaps you missed my regular rant on this.
You can claim Clinton hated Vietnam because he was "yellow,"
but tell that to the 58,000 families who lost someone there.

Rush, Quayle, Buchanan, Gramm, Newt, (the list goes forever)
LOVED that war, but were "unable" to join the fighting.
Funny, they didn't mind the dying, they just "couldn't" go.

Clinton tried to stop the war for everyone.

Similar to his current war record, Clinton just wanted fewer dead,
and somehow he's the bad guy for taking that position?

Clinton is the only President this century that NEVER
sent a man into battle that didn't come home.

Repeat:

Clinton is the only President this century that NEVER
sent a man into battle that didn't come home.

You can dislike Clinton for lots of reasons,
but being "pro-life" shouldn't be one of them.

>I was solidly anti-impeachment, until the bombing. He can get
>blown all he wants, but killing people is a whole 'nother matter.

Wait,

You stuck with Clinton during the blow jobs,
but now you draw the line because he's stopping genocide?

I realize it's hard to make a point sometimes with a keyboard.
Koresh knows I know that feeling all too well, but to avoid war and killing as a principle
suggests there are NO conditions underwhich you'd engage in battle to protect you and yours.

Surely you didn't mean to leave that impression...

Example:

In 1998, Mrs. Bartcop and I were watching TV in cheap motel room.
Some person started beating on our door, really loud.
Did I order pizza?
No.

I pointed the Baby at the door and said, "Go away."
Eventually, the pounding stopped.
Nobody got hurt, and I put the gun away.
Mrs. BartCop asked if I was scared.
I said, "No. I was ready and confident."
If somebody needs dying, they need dying.

You didn't mean to imply we were targeting civilians, were you?

You watch:

Clinton is going to re-write the rules of war.
I'll bet he stops this genocide without ground troops.
...and he may pull it off with no American dead.

>cheers,
>Dean

Cheers back at you.
Let's "fight" again sometime,

bartcop


Great Fascist Quotes
 

"The shootings in Littleton have nothing to do with firearms policy.
 People who are deranged will always get weapons."

-- Rep. Bob Barr, (R-Babykiller, NRA Board member)

That's the trouble, Bob.
They always get weapons.

By the way, Bob...

The ghost of your murdered baby daughter is on line two.
She wants to know if you're still cashing those Operation Rescue checks every month.

...she's still holding, Bob.

What do you want me to tell her?


ha ha

Go to Yahoo, punch in "Republicans."

First hit you get is the gay Log Cabin Republicans.
They gotta hate that.

ha ha


Liar, Liar, Liar

I guarantee you if Cassie Burnow, the girl who was asked,
"Do you believe in God?" and she said, "Yes," and then was blown away ó
if she and her friends had been walking through school carrying Bibles,
and saying, "Hail the Prince of Peace, King of Kings,"
they would have been hauled into the principalís office.

-- Bill Bennett, America's moral leader, on Meet the Catholic

Bill Bennett, you are a lying son of a bitch.

Your lil' "guarantee" means less than Dan Burton's marriage vows.
Show me the names of students who were "hauled" to the principles
office for saying, "Hail the Prince of Peace, King of Kings."

C'mon, you lying prick.
Get me a list of names.
That never happened, ever.

You're a damned liar, Mr. Bennett


Old Business

If you have RealPlayer, (if you own a modem, you need RealPlayer)
check out:

http://www.prankcalls.net/main/sounds.html

It's Pigboy as a 70's DJ whoring for more listeners.
Using the same "Excellence in Broadcasting" bullshit line,
"I won the Marconi Award" long before he turned nazi-puta,
this audio clip exposes Pigboy for the lying slut he is.

Shame on you, Pigboy, for letting people believe in your crap.

Shame, shame on the Pigboy.

...but check that site, you HAVE to.


Those murdering bastards in Colorado?

I understand Eric Harris was for George "Dubya" Butch.
He was the leader.

Dylan Klebold, the fem, liked Dole's Bag O' Hairspray.

Y'know, I do have one good thing to say about them:
They did the right thing at the end, killing themselves.

When you fuck up that bad, you need to french-kiss your gun.
I'm real happy that they did the right thing, because I didn't want to see that whore
Barbara Walters ask Eric what kind of tree he'd be, or watching that whore
Diane Sawyer sit idly by while Dylan declared, "We never really hurt anybody,"
like she did when Michael Jackson said all his child-rape charges were proven false.

Is there anyone in America more stupid than Diane Sawyer?
(Not counting Backdoor Bettina Gregory, of course.)

Matt Fudge told me he heard that Diane Sawyer once spent a summer
at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.

In the last 30 days I've seen interviews advertised for the prick who shot John Lennon,
the Son of Sam killer, the prick who shot Reagan and the Mother Ship, Charlie Manson.

In this nation of whores, ...that was once America,
you can murder somebody important, just for fun,
...and have your name spread by our media whores.

I need another drink...


BP now 135/110, Doctor recommends caution...


Great Republican Quotes

"Oh, there's that little nigger."

-- Eric Harris, just before shooting Isaiah Shoels, 18,
for no other reason than he was black.

Thanks, Rush.

Thanks for contributing.
Thanks for validating the hate.
Thanks for ridiculing the welfare blacks.
Thanks for mocking the "nigger" language.
Thanks for being the mouthpiece for the white supremecists.
Thanks for having the "courage" to spread this cancerous shit,
with your biggest radio program in history, thanks a lot.

Thanks for widening the gap between left and right.
Thanks for speaking for the oppressed white man.
Thanks for demonizing everyone to the left of Tim McVeigh.

Thanks for "being there" when ignorance needs a friend.
Thanks for "being there" when cowardice holds out it's hand.
Thanks for "being there" when America tries to bridge the chasm
between the "real Americans" and "those people."

If you look out your multi-million-dollar condo window,
you'll notice the Statue of Liberty is weeping.

Thanks for everything, Pigboy.


BP now 155/130, Doctor wants to stop the demonstration.


How many times in the last 30 days have you heard,
"Everyone knows air-power can't make an enemy surrender.
Air power has NEVER produced a victory before."

First, of all, and let's get serious for a moment,
I'll bet the mayors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki disagree...

Second, this is Bill Clinton we're talking about.

This is the man who balanced Reagan's Red-Sea Budget.
This is the man who dropped unemployment to a net zero.
This is the man who dropped the murder rate to a 25-year low.
This is the man who tripled the stock market.
Koresh, he tripled the stock market!

Just today, Wednesday, Rush was RAILING against Clinton
because gun arrests are waaaaaaaaaaaay down.

Rush said that was because Clinton was soft on crime.
Hey, Pigboy!
Crime is down 50 goddamn percent, so arrests are down.
And the Republican Truth Detector says that's bad?
Bill Clinton gave us this gift.

This is the man who reduced teen pregnancy by half.
This is the man who killed inflation.
This is the man who brought us peace and prosperity.

...and we're going to doubt him on foreign policy?

ha ha,

Quit it!

What's the over-and-under on Clinton miracles now?


Can we ignore the facts?

They were gun-toting.
They were Jew-hating.
They were bomb-setting.
They were "nigger-hating."
They were shrapnel-planting.
They were sexually confused.
They were all dressed alike.
They were misfits and castoffs.
They were holding hands at school.
They were fans of Adolph Hitler.
They were the NRA.

They were the GOP.


If the election was held today...

How many times will we be forced to endure that shit?
If the election was held today...

If the election was held today it would be unconstitutional,
so can we stop playing with pretend-fantasy, you press whores?

You should've seen me back in the old days on Prodigy.
In the dark days of 1994, I explained to the ditto-monkeys there that Clinton was smart enough
to have his low poll numbers when there was no election coming up, and I predicted that
he'd win his next election and win big.

Of course, I was right.
You can't bet against Bill Clinton.
He's Secretariat with one less leg.
(cough)

Besides, remember when Ross Perot's approval rating was 52 percent?
That was when he was still new and unknown.
Once we got to know Perot, we stayed away in droves.

Same for son of Read-My-Lips and Dole's Bag o' Hairspray.
The only positions they've taken so far is a multi-straddle
on abortion and a multi-straddle on Kosovo.

Gore is going to win this next election.
That's bad news for someone writing a comedy newsletter,
but it's great news for America.


Limba and the canned applause again...

He wants to hide behind his Lil' Dictator microphone,  so others can't correct
his thousands of lies, but he craves the attention and the adulation from people so much,
he plays a tape of someone else getting applause so he can pretend it's for his lying ass.

...and sheep worship this fraud?


BP is now 170/140, Doctor threatens to walk out


Fun Quotes from Meet the Catholic

RUSSERT: Mr. Carville, what do you say to Mr. Starr this morning?

CARVILLE: He's a whiney little wimp. He hides behind Reno's skirt.
"Please, please, Mr. Attorney General, big bad James Carville has declared war."

I mean, truth of the matter is I look back at that tape and think about declaring war
and maybe it was a mistake.
I mean, it was kind of a mismatch. I mean, this guy - He goes up to Capitol Hill,
he whines that the attorney general won't protect him.
Of course, we all remember how Ed Meese protected Lawrence Walsh
from the attacks from the Republicans, don't we?
Yeah, of course.

RUSSERT: Did you win the war?

CARVILLE: Well, of course.
This is one of the most bungling fools of the last half of this century.
They lost the trial in Little Rock, rigged the interviews with the jurors.
They've lost the support of the American people.
Then he leaves the Court of Appeals to go represent exploding gas tanks and tobacco companies.

He thinks the American people are as dumb and as gullible as the
reporters who cover him when he says this kind of stuff.

And, by the way, what could the attorney general do to shut me up?
I mean, what provision in law gives her any power to stop me from expressing my opinion?


Great Fascist Quotes

"I didn't own a gun when I was younger and I don't own one now."

-- Pigboy, to the left of BartCop on owning a gun


Old Business

>From last issue:

>Tony Snow helped Milo, too. Tony said "Clinton has decimated
>our armed forces to the point where we can't handle Milosombitch."

>Either this is treason,
>...or I'm a negro named Ned.

I got this reply from a Republican who said,

>Howdy, Ned.
>Glad to meet you.

Thank you.

Again, we see that there are Republicans who not only have a sense of humor,
but maybe they also get the joke about the bullshit that fuels both political parties.

Both parties.

I know that most Republicans are good people.
I know most Republicans don't HATE liberals.
No, ...only the uneducated, monkeyboy Pigboy/McVeigh Republicans
think that liberals are evil people out to destroy America.

A Republican with a sense of humor.
Damn, that makes me feel good.

Y'know...

I wonder how much different this country would be if it's
most-influential radio personality wasn't a lying, nazi whore?

Would people feel less hostile about Americans of another party?
Think how much Rush has contributed to the "Policy of They."
Yeah, that's what we'll call it - the "Policy of They."
Reagan invented this divide-America strategy, or at least he
was the Ronald McDonald of the divide-America policy.

Remember how Reagan would always said the word, "liberals?"
That bastard said the word "liberal" like we'd say "dogshit."

Reagan would say something like,

"Americans are looking for freedom, but along come these...

(then he'd hesitate,
he'd pause just before saying the "L" word,
he'd let the room fill with attention like an actor holds a line...)
and then he'd finally utter the word....

"....these lib-erals."

Reagan invented the "Policy of They."
Limba makes $25,000,000 each year from that policy.

Reagan was mistaken.
Pigboy is a gratuitous lying, nazi whore.


BP is now 185/150, the doctor left ten minutes ago


Fo No Reason

Did you know that the movie "Wag the Dog"
was casted by a woman named Ellen Chenoweth?

That's so Twilight Zone...

And the war they faked,
...was in Albania?


Anne Coulter, there's a piece of work.

I understand her household staff played a little trick on her.
They put her belts on the skirt rack and skirts on her belt rack.

Anne found out at the mall.

ha ha,


Check out the Boot Newt Sing Along Page,
It has over 100 anti-right wing parody songs at:

http://home.earthlink.net/~wtong/webdocs/index.html


VCR Alert

(This issue wasn't ready to ship, but I had to tell you
about this before it happened:)

April 29th, Frasier meets the Queen Bitch of radio.
Yes, our very own she-nazi, Dr. Laura Sluttinger, will be played
by Cybil Sheppard's always-drinking girlfriend Christine Baranski.

TV Guide's Matt Roush, the best TV critic in the business, calls it a "first rate episode."
He describes Dr. Sluttinger as "venomous."

Quote from the show:

"Putting that woman behind a microphone is like
putting Typhoid Mary in a kissing booth."

Thursday

TONIGHT

Don't miss it.


What if?

Did Ken Starr conspire with Milosombitch to start the war
to cover his humiliation at the hands of Susan McDougal?
That would be a felony and a war crime.
It would also be aggravated abuse of power.

I'm very suspicious of his timing.
Pigboy says stuff like this happens all the time in politics.

How will we get the answers to these very troubling accusations
about Ken Starr if we don't conduct an investigation?

Is justice served if we hide the truth?
Can the truth not stand the light of day?

Oversite is our constitutional duty, nothing more.
We'll need 50,000,000 dollars to get started, AND subpoena power
for members of Ken Starr's family, friends and partners,
including R.J. Reynolds and Brown and Williamson.

This isn't a political vendetta.

Honest.


Great Republican Quotes

"If you build your bombs in your room at home, put plenty of newspaper down
because gunpowder is a bitch on shag carpet.
If you have a big, black stain on your carpet,
Mom and Dad might ask questions."

--Homepage of Eric Harris, Hitler-Youth, Republican


Meet the Catholic

RUSSERT: Do you believe being held in contempt of court
by a federal judge for lying under oath by the chief law
enforcement official of the country is a badge of shame?

BartCop: Clinton joins most of America in their contempt for that idiot judge, Timmy.


I've been shearing sheep lately on the Internet chat rooms.
They've never even heard of a pardon by GH Traitor Butch.

I'll bet this has happened to me at least 25 times.

They say "Clinton is a criminal."
I say, "Compared to who? The Reagan/Butch Pardonboys?"

And they say, "What pardon? You're lying!"

I tell them about Butch's Christmas Eve (no media) pardons
of his illegal arms-smuggling co-conspirators and they say,

"Liar.
BartCop is lying.
Liar.
That NEVER happened.
Liar.
Butch never had to pardon anybody.
Liar.
Stop lying, BartCop.
Liar."

Somehow, I find this amusing because I chat a whole lot.
If you ever need an ego boost, log on to a conservative chat room
and observe just how ignorant the other half is.

Suddenly, you'll feel like a senior dude at Quayle's Think Tanke.

This is what passes for intelligence in the world of Rush, Drudge,
Liddy, North, Fox News, and don't forget http://www.godhatesfags.com

Why do they see education as the enemy?




The trip to Las Vegas was great.
Remind me to tell you about Sedona and our latest UFO sighting.

Meanwhile...

Top Ten Reason's to Avoid the Brand New Mandalay Bay Casino

10. The Coke Machine on Floor 32 is "Out of Product."

I don't mean to be the type of guy who might complain,
(cough)
but I don't like paying $279 for a night in a hotel room just
to see a "Sorry" sign on the Coke machine when it's party time.
For $279, this hotel should provide me with oral sex.

09. It wouldn't hurt to have coathangers in the closets, Mandalay.
If I was a member of the Christian Coalition I might travel with coathangers,
but I'm not so I don't.

08. The elevators should go DOWN, as well as up.
(We had a private floor, but we saw those in steerage.
These poor people were trapped on their floors instead of
being free to roam around and gamble, which is why they came.

Let me ask, Mandalay Resort and Casino:
Do you make more money when the people are gambling,
or do you make more money when thousands of them are
waiting for an elevator, cursing your time-wasting ass?

07. Mandalay Bay is the southern-most attraction on the strip, so they built a tram
to the northern casinos because parking in Las Vegas is worse than parking in Washington DC.
The tram wasn't working. Gee, I'm always suspicious when the exits are blocked.

06. Once you spend a billion, yes, a BILLION DOLLARS to open a resort,
why not spend another eleven dollars for two more busboys to clean tables
so the people waiting a goddamn hour at the buffet could get back to gambling?

Let me ask, Mandalay Resort and Casino:
Do you make more money when the people are gambling,
or do you make more money when thousands of them are
standing in the buffet line cursing your time-wasting ass?

05. Have the expensive rooms face the attraction.
Jesus Heche Christ, am I the only one left with a brain?

All casinos are the same, by law.
They odds are the same, the machines are the same,
everything is the same but the theme of the park.

We had the Executive Suite in this brand-new, billion dollar casino, and we couldn't see
their fancy man-made bay, so I call the desk and say, "What is this bullshit?" and she says,
"Sorry. None of the Exec Suites face the Mandalay Bay."

So, why call it "Mandalay Bay?"
Why not call it "View of the Strip?"

04. Koresh as my witness, to close the bathroom door in the
Executive Suite you have to straddle the toilet to make room.

Hey, I admit my degree isn't in architecture, but I've been in bigger outhouses than this.
If you've only got 27 inches of bathroom width, you better be Callista Flockheart
if you're going to enjoy your stay.

03. The hot tub never got very hot,
the A/C never got very cold.

This is Las Vegas, and I'm spending the Republican's money.
Money is nolo objecto ejaculato.

At $279 per night, it should be so goddamn cold in my room,
I should wake up next to Walt fucking Disney.

02. Little things... the refrig in our room froze the 7-Up,
the phone had directions to everything but long distance, etc.

In 1983, when Mrs. BartCop and I were poor, we stayed at the "Tam O'Shanter" in Las Vegas
and we had fewer complaints.  At least the Tam O'Shanter let you escape your room.

...and the Number One Reason to avoid the Mandalay Bay Casino,

01. We heard soooooooo much about Mandalay's "Moscow Bar."
This was an "Ice Bar," with vodka on tap.
They had a 12-foot headless statue of Lenin, swear to Koresh, it was really from Red Square,
they paid $2,000,000 for it, (with no head, and no explanation why we had a headless Lenin)
and they also had a "Wall of Fire" that did something - I forget.

The bar was imbedded with a longways-running, six-inch band of ice.
Since I'm from Oklahoma, I have no goddamn idea what an "Ice bar" is,
but if expensive vodka is involved, so am I.
They boasted they had "hundreds" of kinds of vodka.

You know what I was really looking for?
Somebody sells ice cubes cut from 20,000,000 year old glaciers.
Absolutely perfectly clean and pure ice cubes, frozen before pollution was invented.
This Uber-Vodka bar should have the world's finest vodka over absolutely clean ice.
I was looking for the drink of a lifetime.

So, me and Mrs. BartCop wandered in and what did we see?
I couldn't believe it:

Of all people, we saw Dr. Laura and Betty Ford getting drunk with two cowboys.
I thought Betty Ford was supposed to be sober?
And Dr. Laura had on some terribly-short skirt, which didn't look
very good on her 55-year old chicken legs, I must say.

Dr. Laura was all over her cowboy, too.
The bartender had to tell her to "knock it off," twice!
And this wasn't Spread 'Ems first time "riding the bull."
I heard one cowboy tell the other, "She bangs like a truck."

So, we pony up to the bar and I whip out my $100 bill and said,
"Two shots of your finest on the good ice, Cubby,"
hoping his finest wouldn't cost more than $100 for two shots.

The bartender looks at me and says, "We're closing."

Huh?

I'm in a Las Vegas casino bar with a hundred dollar bill and I can't buy a drink?

Were we invaded?
Did we lose a war?

Bartender says, "The tile people have to finish the floor,
so we're closing early tonite, if you don't mind."

Mind?
Why would I fucking mind?

Hey, Cubby!

I got a hundred dollar bill stuck to my forehead and I want vodka.
...and you think I might mind if Las Vegas shuts down early?

Mrs. BartCop later told me Cubby was in distress at my outburst.
This is where my Buddhist training came in handy...
I was going to let Cubby have it, but there was no point.
It wasn't Cubby's fault.
This casino just wasn't ready to open.

They charged "ready-to-open" prices, but they weren't, so we bailed.
I went to the front desk the next morning and said,
"I'm not happy, I want out and I don't want to pay some damn penalty for checking out early."

The lady said, "OK."

Funny, she didn't want to know what my problem was?
I'l bet she's seen LOTS of angry people storm out.
So, if you go to Las Vegas this year, skip the Bay.

More next issue.


Old Business, RL-LNW Volume 140

>You might remember that Michael Del Giorno ditto-monkey.
>(I still have that wav file of him reading my fax.)

Coming soon, perhaps in the next week or two...

Audio BartCop


A joke not good enough for RL-LNW

What does an eskimo get if he sits on the ice too long?

Polarrhoids


Lying, Bag O' Hairspray Quotes

"My campaign is not going badly.
You can tell by the overflow crowds."

-- Bag O', in the 4/26 USA Today

In the same article, it said she spoke to "about 200 people"
at a roller skating rink in a small town in Iowa.

Hey, Bag O',

Hold your next rally in a bathroom at Mandalay Bay.
That way, if only 4 people show up, you can say so many people
showed up that you couldn't fit 'em all in the venue.


Lying Pigboy Quotes

After hammering Clinton for a month, over the "bungling" of Kosovo, things are going
so well now that Pigboy is claiming Tony Blair is the guy who's "really calling the shots."

Pigboy, you're such a lying shit.

As leader of the Blame-America-First crowd, you assumed this war would go bad,
so you constantly criticized and ridiculed every move made by Clinton and the American military.

Tokyo Pigboy!

Just a week or two ago, you claimed Clinton wanted to call this
"Madeline's war" and so he could dump responsibility on her for "this terrible fiasco."

Now,

fucking now,

when Milo is starting to quake and look like he might cave,
now you say Tony Blair is really calling all the shots.

Your Pigness, how can you live with your anti-America propaganda?
You have the consistency of baby-shit, and your flock of ditto-sheep never calls you on it.

Oh, I really need another drink...


BP now 180/145, ambulance is being called


Just a few thoughts...

If we are running out of missiles isn't that the Republican's fault?
Remember, only Congress can spend money.

We always had enough missiles when Democrats controlled Congress.

If our military isn't prepared, isn't that the Republican's fault?
Only Congress can spend money, remember?

We were always prepared when the Democrats controlled Congress.
When Top O'Neill and Tom Foley funded the military, we were always ready for battle.

The Party of Monica hasn't been doing their duty.


Oh, no.
This just in...

CNN says the Littleton police have asked the Boulder cops to take charge
of the shooting investigation so they can "wrap this up as quickly as possible."


Regular readers know I like to try new stuff now and then,
even if that something is not entirely successful.
It's free, so what the hell?

What if we did this:

What if everyone reading this right now sent in a question or two for ol' BartCop?

We'll call it, "Open Line BartCop."

I won't use your name, it'll be anonymous.
Let's hear from you middle-road lurkers with a sense of humor.
If 100 people sent in two questions each, 20 of 'em might be interesting to read.

What the hell, why not take a chance?
There you are, sitting there reading this...

You always wanted to send BartCop a note of some kind,
(BartCop with his know-everything-all-the-time attitude,)
so here's your chance to contribute and co-create some art.
When we're all dead, these websites will still be active and
the next generation will be reading this, so make it good.

This won't work unless there's a wide cross-section, so do your patriotic duty and
send in a better question than, "Where you from?" or "How'd you get your start?"
This whole bit is co-dependent on two things:
You and me.

If you can't think of anything, just send some e-mail saying "I'm a ditto-monkey, I dunno."
Send in a good question, an interesting question, or even
a "gotcha" question and let's see if it turns into anything.
If you stump me, I'll buy you a car.

I do not want any softball questions.
Don't ask what I do for my day job and don't ask how I got started.

I know you Ditto-sheep have wanted me for years...
Let's go a few rounds on the heavy bag.

C'mon, ol' BartCop is letting his guard down, tying one hand behind my back,

...like Pigboy

Cut-and-paste here

My Two Questions for BartCop are:

1.

and

2.


Thanks for stopping by.
Stay tuned for  bartcop.com

RL-LNW is changing, maybe not for the better...

Pictures
Audio
Cartoons
Photo Gallery of Whores, and more.

We're even thinking about doing a radio show with RealAudio.

Check back soon.


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