Vol 144 - The Softer Side of Sears

...or, I Am My Cat's Dad


Back in Vol 142, we were in Las Vegas looking for a drink at Mandalay Bay's super-fancy
Red Square Ice Bar. Oh, they bragged about their huge cornucopia of fine vodkas,
but for reasons we won't get back into, we never got to put their claims to a test.

I have found the fine vodka, and it's not from Russia.

It all ties in...
It's the Fourth of July.
I think of our great country,
and all of the freedoms we enjoy.
I think of the amber waves of grain and the Statue of Liberty,
which was made for us by our good friends, the French.

You know what else the French make?
They make the finest, smoothest vodka.
Grey Goose Vodka.

Created with mineral water from the Springs of Cognac,
filtered thru champagne limestone, a natural purifier,
then hand-crafted in small batches from a copper pot still.

My opinion is not for rent.
They're not paying me to say this:

This issue of RL-LNW is best viewed on Grey Goose Vodka,
the best damn vodka in the world, Barr none.

...and don't dilute it with 7-Up or orange juice.

You're paying for the finest vodka in the world, here.
Don't "fix" or hide the taste.

Ice only, preferably glacier ice.


Put the kids to bed.
Wake the wife, go to the kitchen, get your Grey Goose.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Relax and let's go for a short ride.

This issue brought to you by U-Haul Truck Rentals.
U-Haul rents more trucks than anybody in the world.
Catch them at


Remember our motto:

"We rent to Democrats."

Issue One!

Will George "W" Butch agree in writing, that NO campaign contributor
will ever spend a night in the Lincoln Bedroom?

Will he swear to that up-front?

No, he won't.

Junior Butch, or "The Shrub," as we call him in Knuckledrag, will NOT take that pledge,
because he's going to follow the time-honored tradition that every president has followed
and reward his friends and contributors with the perks of power.

It's called human nature.

The GOP and Pigboy and Ken Starr and everyone else KNOWS this.
They KNOW that all the political jerking off about how Clinton was "selling the Lincoln bedroom,"
was flat-out bullshit for the benefit of the stupid, donkey-whores of the press so they could
get numb-nutted conservatives to pony up more dough.

Isn't that right?
I CAN'T be the only one who sees that.
I just CAN'T be.

The idea that Clinton was the first president to reward his backers with a ride on the plane
or a night at the White House is so fucking absurd on it's face, how could it ever be a topic
of contention on the Sunday morning whore shows?

But it is...

They sit around and accuse Clinton like he invented hypocrisy.
It's the same with photo-ops.  To hear Bill Bennett tell the tale, political bullshit like
photo-ops weren't invented until AFTER Red-Ink Reagan left office,



yet every honest pundit, if there are any left anymore,
will admit that Reagan almost invented the photo-op.

Reagan perfected the photo-op, and because of that he became
a legend to conservatives, known as "The Great Communicator."


When Clinton out-communicates Reagan, it can only be because
"America lost her values and fell for the bullshit-charade,"

I've decided I want the Republicans to win in 2000.
It's going to be loads of fun tormenting the next President.
The next president is going to get what Clinton got,
but they'll probably ratchet it UP a little more.

Fun Quotes

"Letting DeLay run anything more than his bug business
 is the worst idea since the Texas Legislature.
 He may be forceful, but he doesn't know enough to keep the beans out of chili."

-- Molly Ivins, one of the greats

Open Line BartCop

1. Why are Al Gore's poll numbers so low?
Is he going to win next year?

Have you ever in your life seen a horse race where the horse that broke out first actually won?
That's why it's called "jockeying for position."
A smart jockey waits until he sees daylight, THEN he turns his horse loose and wins the race.

Sure, the Shrub and others are ahead of Gore right now,
but is there an election coming up?


It doesn't matter which football team has the most points
after the first 5 minutes of the Super Bowl.
Just ask Jim Kelly.

The campaign won't even start until a year from now,
and when it's the right time, Gore will turn his horse loose.

Trust me.

Meanwhile, the demos are gathering dirt on The Shrub's cocaine problems,
his secret hidden child, his booze problems,  the $16,000,000 he got from brother-thief Kneel Butch,
who they're keeping waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay hidden these days.

The Democrats are gathering wood. They're going to wait until the GOP puts
every single last egg into the Shrub's basket, then they'll sink him like the Bismarck.

We at  bartcop.com  strongly recommend buy Gore now.

Uncle Bob Talks - from the Woodward book

One day, Clinton and Bennett went for a stroll
on the White House grounds.

Both had cigars.
Bennett lit his.
Clinton did not.

...this is good writing?

If it is, why am I not wealthy?
Where is BartCop's Pulitzer?

I can't write for shit, but I can write longer, more interesting sentences than,

"Both had cigars.
 Bennett lit his.
 Clinton did not."

That's ditto-monkey verse.
And tell me, what's the point?

Woodward's whoring another book, and a darker spot for himself in history,
so he keeps us informed as to the conflagration status of the cigars these two men are holding?


...wish I had the talent to write like Bob Woodward...

Wait a minute...

this passage from CNN about Woodward's book:

(in whispered tones...)

It was Jan. 16, 1998, the day before Clinton's deposition in
the Jones case, and Bennett believed he had located the real
problem Clinton faced the next day. It was not Kathleen Willey,
because that had never been a relationship, right?
It was not Monica Lewinsky. It was improbable that the president
was drilling a woman who brought pizza and mail to the Oval Office.

No, Bennett believed, he had smoked out the real liability --

Marilyn Jo Jenkins, a beautiful marketing executive whom Clinton
had known for more than a decade. Her name had been linked to
Clinton in published reports, but only in vague references.

Speculation in the extreme, Your Honor!

Clinton had denied to Bennett that he had a sexual relationship with Jenkins.
Bennett was not buying it. Clinton reacted differently when Jenkins's name came up.
The president paused in a forlorn and wistful way.
Bennett couldn't quite put his finger on it, but Clinton's manner was a definite tip-off.


If Clinton acted "differently" when her name came up, as opposed
to Kathleen Willey's and Monica's names, that means the purpose of
this book is confuse the people who are trying to pay attention?

If it was different with Jenkins, that means he's innocent,
if you assume Willey and Monica are telling the truth,
which is an assumption the size of Texas.

Why is Uncle Bob spilling his guts?
Attorney's can't DO that.
So if Uncle Bob's not talking, who is?

Is Clinton talking to Woodward?
That's it.

Clinton's feeding us dirt on himself.
It's a trick.

There's a reason.
Clinton is really too smart for everyone.
I'll feel better when he's retired.
It may just be a trick to see Pigboy play the fool.
If I was Clinton, I'd make Pigboy play the fool daily, which he has.

ha ha

Clinton is too smart.

Trust me - if he sold China rockets, they'll steer "funny."
If China launches against us, those missles will boomerang right back on Beijing and Shanghai.
If they launch, they lose their coast for a hundred years.

Clinton is too smart,

...and they say his wife is smarter.

This is so not a made-up bit,

Radio Personalities Poll in "Talkers" magazine

1. Originality
2. Smarts
3. Humor
4. Credibility

Howard Stern - overall 3.7

Tom & Ray Magliozzi - overall 3.5

Rush Limba - overall 3.2

Then there was yak, yak, yak about...

Terry Gross
Mark & Brian
Daniel Schorr
Don Imus

and, dead fucking last...

...and let's review the judging criteria...

1. Originality
2. Smarts
3. Humor
4. Credibility

Dr. Laura Schlessinger - overall 1.7

...I wonder if the fact that she spread her legs for a camera
played any part in the public saying she has no credibility?

Old Business

Want to know why Kosovo turned out like it did?

From RL-LNW Vol 131, check your archived editions.

BartCop on Foreign Policy

Memo to President Clinton:

Bill, stop being such a pussy.
Stop threatening Saddam.
Just bust his ass.

Same with Kosovo.

I don't want to hear "air strikes are on the table,"
one more goddamn time, do you hear me, Bill?

Stick a Tomahawk up his ass, THEN ask 'em if he wants more.
The Air Force WANTS to teach them some manners.
Our Navy boys want some action, too.

So, knock off the John Lennon/Ghandi crap and pound them.
You don't want to lose me on foreign policy, Bill.

So, Clinton took my advice.
He's a wise man.

The Kosovarianss (homage to Shrub) got their land back,
Milo had to eat it in front of everyone,
we didn't lose anybody, our boys got to play with the live ammo,
which means they're so much sharper than whatever half-nutted,
double-gated, punk-ass, wooden-wheeled dictator's army who might
think they can give Bill Clinton the finger.

...and the Clinton prosperity miracle continues on.

Let me say one last thing:
Another BartCop Prediction.



The week
...or the month
...or the half-year after the Democrats leave office,
the market will dive like Lloyd Bridges.

When Clinton leaves, if Gore loses, the party ends.
The stock market will drop like a safe on quaaludes,
abortions will increase,
murders will rise,
inflation will go fucking crazy,
interest rates will go to 14,
housing starts will plummet,
unemployment will go to 16 percent,
minority unemployment will skyrocket,
Iran and North Korea will co-rattle.
Antarctica splits in half...

yes, ... all right after the Simians take office.

Do me a favor - print this section.

America will take a BIG hit right after Clinton-Gore leave.
Granted, "right after" isn't micro-surgery, but if it happens
a year later, I won't say that's "right after."
This is a chance for you ditto-monkeys to catch me,

ha ha

I know Clinton isn't Johnny Boy-Scout, but Clinton's brains,
his never-stop work ethic and his mental toughness in the
face of the ditto-monkey impeachment, (plus some luck)
gave us 8 monster years, and we might be in for four more,

Thank you, President Clinton.

Monkey Mail

From: RKeough@utilicorp.com

Subject: Youve got two much time on your hand

I visited your webs sight out of mobid curiosity in hopes
of seeing a liberalrebbutal to Rush Limbaghs broadcasts.
I found your sight to be nothing more than childish
name-calling without any suport for why you disagree with him why
dedicate a web site to waist of effort because you have nothing
better to do with you time than think upadolescent insults for
someone you don't know much about except what he used to look like?
What a looser you are

Keough, Robert

I signed up for the Bag O' Hairspray e-mail list

FROM: "Elizabeth Dole" 

SUBJECT: I Want You On My Team!

Yes, it's really me!
I've been meaning to contact you personally by email
ever since you signed up with my campaign website.

All the polls show that I can beat Gore, and I continue to be
very strong in my campaign to win the Republican nomination.
Now I want to personally ask for your help.

I am in this campaign for the long haul, running for the GOP
nomination and I am absolutely certain I can win.

Can I count on you to help me at this crucial moment?
We truly money.

ha ha

We "truly" money?
We "truly" can't write, can we?

We need it now to make a difference.
Any pledge you make help.


ha ha

"any pledge I make help?"
Was this written by an American?
Typical ditto-monkey sentence structure.

You can use your credit card and make a secure pledge of $25 or
$50 or $100 or the max of $1,000 via my website by clicking here:


Make her stop!
Who's her webmaster, her husband?
No wonder she's broke - she's giving out the wrong URL.

I know you may get a lot of spam with your e-mail,
and I know it can be irritating. But this is a real request
from me, Elizabeth Dole, to you. I'm so grateful to have you
aboard, and I hope you'll reply at once as a friend and supporter.

With warm best wishes,

Elizabeth Dole

P.S. Feel free to forward my e-mail to any other friends
you think will help us.

Dear Bag O',
Hire a third-grader with a dictionary to help you.

Good luck with the Shrub and President Gore.

More Uncle Bob talks

"If you're caught ...in the White House," Bennett said,
"I'm not good enough to help you."

Is Bill Bennett worth $400 per hour? I think I could've
defended Clinton better, and I would've done it for free,
just so I could tease that punk Starr when it was over.

I think we know why Clinton didn't confide in Uncle Bob.
Clinton knew what he was doing.
Uncle Bob stayed inside the box.

Clinton is a genius.

If Uncle Bob knew the truth, he couldn't defend him.
There's some pretend bullshit that lawyers can't lie in court.

ha ha

If anyone knew the truth, ...anyone,
they'd have to perjure themselves OR,
or they'd have to rat out the president.

If Clinton had taken any other path than the one he took,
we'd be in the second year of Gore's presidency.

Clinton played it perfectly.

Great Mormon Quotes

I came from poverty. My parents were very poor.
Elaine and I lived in a chicken coop during law school,
a converted chicken coop that we had to convert ourselves just to get by.
I worked as a janitor to get through college.
You're looking a real live janitor."
   -- B'orrin Hatch, on Meet the Catholic

B'Orrin Hatch?
Living in a chicken coop?
I want to see photos on his dot-com.

ha ha

Too bad B'orrin didn't have a dog he could shave
and sell the fur like poor little Bobby Dole.

Open Line BartCop

I read about Senator Pissquick losing his propeller in
Vol 143 of RL-LNW.

I have relatives in Knuckledrag.
They say Pissquick often flies without a propeller.
Can you confirm?

ha ha

Yes, I can confirm that.
Pissquick usually flies without a propeller,

ha ha


Have you ever wondered what RL-LNW would be like
if your ediotr had an IQ higher than 64?

This letter was printed in the local Knuckledrag newspaper.
You'd think the writer read RL-LNW Vol 143, and took those untamed ideas and then
translated them into the language that the smart people with all the money use.

Check this out, and tell me this doesn't sound like
something BartCop would write if he had an education:

Lost Message of the Cross

Lost in today's popular theo-politics is the message of the cross.
Relying on the human tendency to prefer vice over virtue,
skillful pastors and politicians have elevated pride over humility,
envy over love, wrath over kindness, sloth over zeal, avarice over
generosity, gluttony over temperance and lust over self-control.

How else does one explain the growing number of conservative
Christians who accept a version of the Gospel that would have us
believe that Christ died to liberate us from personal taxation?

Let's look at two individuals who have been propelled to fame and
fortune by thousands of conservative Christians to understand the
pernicious nature of this popular theology.

Rush Limbaugh has been praised and rewarded financially by those
who "ditto" his ferocity. His followers have adopted his
intemperate language to hammer home their self-centered agenda
in today's political arena.

Laura Schlessinger masterfully uses her knowledge of our
voyeuristic nature to feed her avarice at the expense of the
very people she claims to be "helping."
Her lack of mercy borders on cruelty.

Yet, her vitriolic manner has been praised and rewarded
monitarily by thousands of conservative Christians.

1. At what point did American Christianity sell out to selfishness,
    intolerance, exclusivity, materialism and instant gratification?

2. What has happened to living our lives in moderation so others
    can have food and clothing and an education?

3. What has happened to the message of the cross?

  Judith I.
  Broken Arrow, Oklahoma

Judith, well put.
I can answer those 3 questions,
but it's probably nothing you're going to want to hear.

1. January 20, 1981

2. The red-meat cavemen aren't interested in "moderation."
   "Moderation" won't sell books for the money-grubbing whores.

How big would a "Vince Foster Committed Sucide" book be?
Nobody would buy that.

CNN can't get much mileage out of a suicide, but they can do a whole series
of specials called, "What if Hillary did it?"    CNN has rating needs.

Did Hillary murder Vince Foster?
Simon & Schuster will go $3,000,000 for a first draft,
and a bonus $5,000,000 if it hits Number One.
And CNN has hired another 60 people to work on "this story."
Gotta be first with the latest Drudge rumor,
can't wait to see if it's true, gotta run with the story right now...

The press turned complete whore in January of 1998.
I'm not sure that genie will ever get back in the bottle.

3. ha ha,
   quit it.
   You thought religion was about saving souls for Heaven?

ha ha

Religion is Coach McCartney making $3,000,000 every time he packs a stadium
with superstitious white men who forgot the importance of their marriage vows.

Religion is having your local arch-bishop void your
28-year marriage because your last name is Kennedy.
Religion is buying a stairway to Heaven.
Religion is Pat Robertson, getting a check from the NRA.

...by the way, Robertson, the insane tax-cheat, has lost
exempt status to keep his books hidden from the IRS.

ha ha

Eat it, Pat.

Religion is what people used to need.
Religion is what you turn to when you're scared.
If you've ever in trouble, pretend you have an invisible angel standing next to you
whose only job is to keep your corporial body intact for when God calls you home.

Of course, that same angel may push you in front of a train,
in which case they'll call it, "God's mysterious ways."

Religion is Ralph Reed making a deal with Bob Dole.
Religion is Oral Roberts buying ANOTHER satellite.
Religion is Rush Limba making his weekly deposit.
Isn't that sad?

Take the money out of religion and you know what you've got?

I'm in trouble with the Oklahoma Motor Vehicle Divison.

I asked for a personalized license plate that reads:

3M TA3

Now, I'm on their "target list."
The OK State cops are watching for my car.

Can you tell why?

In a rear view mirror, it says something else.

Saw it on the internet...

Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?

A: Nothing, ...yet.

For years, whenever the subject of the Berlin Wall came up,
I always said that the credit for that belonged to Tom Foley and Tip O'Neill
and even old Bob Dole because the arms race made the Russians eventually give up,
and since only congress can spend the money necessary to win the arms race,
the credit must belong to those who held the purse strings.

Certain ditto-monkeys believe that communism fell because
Red-Ink Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, ...tear down this wall."

How absurd to suggest that one old man could demand something
and if it eventually happened, he must've been responsible.

Now, years later, new evidence surfaces about who was most
responsible and the new evidence points to Larry Hagman.

Larry Hagman killed communism?
Larry Hagman?
You mean Tony Nelson from I Dream of Jeanie?

No, Larry Hagman known worldwide as J.R. Ewing.

Recently I watched a very interesting show on Stalinist/Leninist PBS called
"The History of Television." They showed a TV station in Europe getting their first signal
from the United States after the Telstar satellite was launched and positioned.

They showed interviews with several eastern European women who were fascinated with
this new technology. As the years went "buy" they were exposed to many American TV shows.
Turns out "Dallas" was the most popular show in the communist countries.

This special showed footage of these poor bastards standing in line for hours
to get their meager portions of rice and beans, then they'd go back to their drab,
frozen homes and watch JR Ewing get in his BMW and drive home to his mansion
and watch him walk past that incredible casino-style buffet dinner table they had
and kiss his beautiful wife who's wearing the $8,000 Vera Wang.

That's gotta be a real mother-effer when it's 30-below in Stalingrad
and your rat-soup is getting colder every minute.

So these poor commies watch JR living fantasies they've never even dreamed of
and they can't help but wonder if their iron-fisted overlords were telling the truth
when they built a wall to keep this "awful capitalism" out of their private paradise.

Televison brought down the Soviet Union the way boom boxes
brought Ayatollah Komeinie's revolution to Iran.


...the next time you hear some ditto-monkey claim that Red-ink Reagan was the guy
who buried Soviet communism, ask him if he's really, really sure about that.

Open Line BartCop

Is Papax7 is for real, or is he a BartCop gag?

Wish I could claim him.

From my very conservative, long-time religio-wacko buddy's
website comes news of his internet political poll results,
(Ever notice, liberals always lose on-line polls?
Must be the wealthy, white people skewing the mix.)

 (If you go, be polite.)

Bad news. I closed out my first two polls on my web site and Algore won the
presidential poll and sodomcrats, aka Democrats, won the party preference poll.

ha ha

Al Gore placed first in the uber-religious poll?
I'm not surprised.
Al Gore is very popular...

That is only because my lunylib buddy BartCop stacked the deck.


ha ha

I need to buy some more ram for my lungs.
Koresh, let my lungs have more oxygen, please!
I will gladly pay you Tuesday, for more oxygen today,

ha ha

Al Gore won the first Papax7 web poll.

He won BIG, Sir.

But for the good news, I have another poll up and running.
Who's responsible for school violence?
The NRA?
The Republicans?


Uh- oh,

I hope lightning doesn't strike twice.
That'd be terrible if there were two upsets in a row.
That'd be awful if you went there right now and voted.

(note to self - delete this section from Papax7's copy)

That'd be awful if Reagan and the NRA were blamed for the violence that plagues our schools.

I gotta say, about my buddy Papax7,
He could've cancelled that poll.
He smelled a rat, but unlike Liddy, he didn't eat it.

He stuck with the poll and declared Al Gore the winner.
Trust me, he didn't want Gore to win his religio-poll,
but he's an honest religi-wacko with honor.

I guess he and Billy Graham are the only two religio-nuts
I've ever singled-out for their honesty and non-whorism.

Papa, if there's any honor in being awarded a "Barty,"
I'd like to award one to you for your honesty.

Notice I didn't mention anything about sanity, but I find you to be an honest, mistaken
man of principle, and in the GOP, that's gosh-darned hard to find.

Hope my award doesn't cost you status with your peers,


Knock at my front door?

It's a guy selling Bibles.
He wants to know if I have an opinion on religion...

ha ha

This one's for Ken Starr and Backdoor Bettina Gregory...


I make my living off the Evening News
Just give me something - something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry

Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear
Give me dirty laundry

We got the bubble-headed, bleach-blonde who comes on at five
She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It's interesting when people die-
Give us dirty laundry

Can we film the operation? Is the head dead yet?
You know, the boys in the newsroom got a running bet
Get the widow on the set!
We need dirty laundry

You don't really need to find out what's going on
You don't really want to know just how far it's gone
Just leave well enough alone
Eat your dirty laundry

Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pies
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry

We can do "The Innuendo," we can dance and sing
When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing
We all know that Crap is King
Give us dirty laundry!

-- Don Henley, 1982

Can you believe this was written sixteen years before Monica?

I cut my hair.

I know that doesn't mean Dole to thousands of subscribers,
but there are at least 6 people that just fell off their chairs.


Right now, my hair is about as long as it was
the first night the Beatles played Ed Sullivan.

Saw it on the Net...

2 Black Trench coats: $140
2 Semi Automatic Rifles: $1200
2 Ski Masks: $10
2 Multi-Bullet Magazines: $19.

The look on your classmates' faces: Priceless.

Some things money can't buy.

For everything else, there's the NRA's MurderCard.

Great Cartoon Quotes

"I love you.
...tell me something about yourself."

-- GOP to The Shrub

From: icanwin@bagohairspray.org

Press Release:

The very stiff Mrs. Dole?
She has a new nickname.

They call her E. doli.

(She spreads her disease through fecal matter.)

New Feature - Great URL's

I know what you're thinking...
A never-ending list of mumbo-jumbo-whatever bullshit.


If I send you to a URL, it's worth it.
This is a great one you should see at least once.


(Hit that URL, then come back here. It takes a minute to load.

These are satellite pictures of Earth.
You pick the altitude, you pick the longitude.

You'll need to hit "lat" just under the button
to move the camera away from the Sun's viewpoint.

When it's dark, check out America from 1100 km altitude.
Punch in 92 degrees WEST, and 36 degrees north.

Then hit "Update."

Start with Florida, lower right. From there you can find
Atlanta, New York is up to the right.

You'll recognize Chicago because of the way the lights
wrap around Lake Michigan. Look SW and you'll see St. Louis.
Southwest from there you'll see Knuckledrag, Oklahoma.
This is where Senator Pissquick keeps his propeller.
Going further you'll see OKC, then south is Dallas and Houston.

Look East from St Louis and you'll see Kansas City,
then Denver and Phoenix in the lower left corner.

It's a fun toy.
If it doesn't work for you, e-mail me.
It's a little tricky to aim the satellite.

If you want to see something really breath-taking, some night, just after sundown,
after a little tequila, click "lat, (just under ) and adjust the "lat" and the "long"
to your home town at about 800 km's.

You'll see something only astronauts have seen.
If you have an hour, click every 5 minutes
and watch the sun set on YOUR city.

Koresh - if you're on-line, it's FREE!

Spend the time...

Old Business

>From several subscribers...

>You were pretty rough on Doc Meng and her dog collar.


I thought I showed restraint.
That take-me-hither-from-behind glance she was broadcasting
was an easy target for a "doggy-style" joke, but no.
I won't let bartcop.com be dragged down to her level.

We have a class organization here.
We're not going to cheapen it with tacky comments.

But I was surprised at the negative reaction to that bit.

If you thought Volume 143 was too cruel to Dr Laura,
if you thought Volume 143 was over the line,
you probably won't like the new bartcop.com at all.
I know it was a little tasteless, sophomoric and pathetic,
but she deserves every damn bit of it and so does Pigboy.

These people are multi-millionaires.
They got rich by screwing the defenseless.

I could never stoop that low, and,  as we'll all admit,
we don't want BartCop setting our standards.

I wouldn't do this to Bob Dole.
I wouldn't do this to Butch Jr, at least not so far.
If Butch turns Nazi-prick, I'll have plenty to say.

But isn't that the REAL reason everyone likes The Shrub?
...because he's not seen as a lying, Nazi whore?

That's another reason why he's so popular:
He wasn't involved in the Clinton cock hunt.

Pigboy is the worst of them.
How did he get so rich?

He calls the president's 13 year-old daughter a dog,
and they give him a million dollars.

"Did that really just happen?" he asked himself.

That worked so well, he accused the First Lady of murder,
and they give him another million fucking dollars.

"Is this for real?" Pigboy wonders.

He says Clinton pissed on the burial plots at Arlington, and they give him TWO million dollars.

Pigboy hit a goddamn goldmine.
He accuses the president of being a serial rapist, and they give him THREE million dollars.

It goes on and on...

He says Clinton sold our technology to China for cash, and they give him FOUR million dollars.
He says we can't win a war with Serbia, and they give him FIVE million dollars.
He makes fun of the way Jocelyn Elders talks, and they give him SIX million dollars.

Pigboy craps his pants with disbelief.

"People will pay this kind of money for bullshit?"

He then says Chelsea is actually Webb Hubbel's daughter,
and they give him SEVEN million dollars.

...why would Pigboy ever tell the truth, if his lying, nazi rants pay seven million dollars?
Considering Rush's insatiable greed, do you think he's going to say anything sane?


fucking then...

Doc Meng saw Pigboy making the big bucks and got jealous
and became PigGirl and they give her a million dollars.

That worked so well, she started attacking Clinton every day,
and they gave her TWO million dollars.

Then government-assisted day-care was "a plot against families,"
and they gave Miss Opinion-for-Rent THREE million dollars.

Then the queen-bitch of all America explained herself:
"The ONLY reason Clinton is pro-day care is the first thing a revolution needs is
the indoctrination of the children, so they can turn the parents over to the government."

They sent PigGirl FOUR million dollars that day.

Pretty soon, EVERY call she got from the harpies from hell was an excuse to say
"That's just like Bill Clinton," and they give the whore  FIVE million dollars.

...and the beat goes on,

So if you think I should ease up on these whores, you're probably not paying attention.
I choose NOT to go easy on these multi-millionaire, super-whores.

Trust me.

You may have to "sign up" with the NY Times to see this,
(takes just a minute, it's free)
but this is ground zero for anybody with a complaint about
how Bill Clinton abused the legal system in this country.


From: DR9755@acspr1.acs.brockport.edu

Subject: Your webpage is interesting

I am a moderate in concerns to my political standpoint.
However, I have a problem with your webpage.
I agree with some of things Rush says but far from everything.

The problem I have with your webpage is that you have nothing bad to say about Rush
other than making fun of his weight problems.  You just keep reiterating that Rush is fat,
and it just shows your stupidity. I suggest that you focus more on the wrongs that Rush
has said and done rather than rip on the fact that Rush is fat.
You need to think a little bit more deeply about your political
standpoint if all you can find wrong with Rush is his weight.


I get a lot of mail like this.
People write and say they've read several issues of LNW,
and can't find any substance, only name-calling.

One possible explanation is the use of the word, "Pigboy."
Granted, that once had a double meaning, before Rush lost all that weight,  but  "Pigboy"
is more descriptive of his attitudes towards women and blacks than his weight.

I've taken a firm stand on every major issue that's come up in the last three years,
and I've stated clearly where Rush is lying and why he's wrong,
but some people see nothing but fat jokes.

Do sheep really think I wrote 144 issues of "Rush is fat?"

Can anybody explain?

ha ha

You think I give Catholics a hard time?

Check this:


Recently, The Shrub spoke a little Spanish in a speech.
Two days later, Gore did the same thing.

Pigboy said the ONLY reason Gore did it was because
The Shrub did it, which means Gore learned Spanish
in two days, which means he's as smart as Clinton.

...can Gore possibly lose this election?

Have you ever been to the anagram generator?


Millions of combinations...

lying nazi whore: a whiningly zero
lying nazi whore: whiz liner agony
lying nazi whore: angrily one whiz
lying nazi whore: earning holy wiz
lying nazi whore: genial horny wiz
lying nazi whore: gin zanily whore
lying nazi whore: whiz girl anyone?
lzing nazi whore: winy rhino glaze
lying nazi whore: lazy groin whine

...it goes on forever, hundreds of combinations.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry,

This is none of my business, it's another weakness of mine,
but Courtney Cox, one of the best-looking women on TV.

She just married the biggest loser in the whole world,
and I think all men should slowly exhale.

This guy makes Senator Pissquick look normal,
and what kinda goddamn endorsement is that?

She married David Arquette, who could only look up to
Dan Burton for mental stability.

David Arquette - did I spell it right?
Do I care?

Courtney Cox captivated America with her short lil' do' and her goddess-next-door looks
in that Springsteen video, and went on to be Alex (right-wing extremist) Keaton's girlfriend in
"Family Matters," or "Family Business," or "Family Monkey," or some such crap.

It was on NBC,
...and NBC can eat me.

NBC decided that QUALITY television was no good.
NBC is paying for 28 episodes of "When Cows Attack,"
but the quality stuff like "Homicide" is gone forever.

Hey, NBC...

I got some cake you can eat...

...right here!

I'm sorry,
...I'm really pissed off about the death of Homicide.

Homicide had so much to live for...
Homicide was the best show ever.
You wanna talk actors?

Let's start with Yaphet Kotto, a black man.
Funny name for sure.
Pigboy could do a week on it.
Trust me.

You can get as good an actor as Yaphet Kotto, but you can't get a better actor.

Ned Beatty, a great actor.
Andre Braugher, Emmy winner, might've been the best.
The writing, the acting, the realism made it great.

It hurts to lose Homicide.
...hurts like an open stomach wound...

Hell, I'd trade Rush Limba's life for another episode.
No kidding, ...I really would.

I know it sounds crass, but Rush is such mean, hateful shit,
I'd rather see another new Homicide than see Pigboy breathe in
more precious oxygen that minorities might enjoy, instead.

Shit, I liked Homicide so much,


...I'd trade a Homicide episode for Armey the Foul-Mouthed Dick.

Maybe I'm a heartless man.
We need another Homicide lots more than we need Dick Armey.
Hell, if this bazaar is open, I'll trade Pissquick, too.


What if we could get another 12 episodes of Homicide and
trade in Pigboy, the Jesus Twins, Barr, Burton, etc
Maybe we can make this happen.

Let's all write to NBC.


More Homicide, fewer racists

Open Line BartCop

Where you ask the questions...

>Why did you make such an effort* in #142 to point out
>that your newsletter is just a joke?
>That's a Limba cop-out...

>What happened? I mean, there are some obvious exaggerations and parody,
>but RL-LNW is no more a 'comedy newsletter' than Rush Limbaugh is a humorist.

>You said, "All I want out of this goofy newsletter is a few laughs..."
>and "I'm just jokeboy with a modem."

>Explain yourself,

You have asked the most difficult question...

(three minutes go by...)

There are those who ...misunderstand BartCop.
Some people see BartCop for something it's not.
To some degree, I'm the anti-Pigboy, but I don't want to be the liberal's "Rush."
...and I don't want fame, either.

Sure, it'd be cool if Pigboy or Koppel mentioned a theory they read on bartcop.com
but I'm not auditioning for a job with the whores.
I retain my no-whore status.
(How many people in politics can say that?)

If somebody hired me to lie for big bucks, I'd hope that every person reading this would
write in and remind me that I'm a dirty, sell-out pig-whore just like Rush and Laura.

Na - Ga - Da.
Ain't gonna happen.

I have 144 issues on the web.
You know I get monkey mail, you've read some of it.
...and you gotta figure I get praise mail, too.
I get praise-mail that would embarrass Madonna,  but I don't want praise.
Even tho I can make G. Gordon Liddy dance around a question like a crack-whore
needin' a fix, I'm not recruiting soldiers for the "BartCop Army."

Unlike Pigboy, I have no delusions of godhood.
That's the bottom line.
There's no goddamn chance in 100,000,000 that I would ever
play a tape of fake applause so a paid-for shill could introduced me as "The Great One."

Oh, ...I might do it as some silly f-ing comedy gag, but what kind of no-life, loser-tool
would play a TAPE of sheep applauding for a nazi pigboy who can't get REAL applause
because he's too hated to be seen in public?

I don't want money.
I don't want to be famous.
I can't be anybody's role model.
I don't want anything but a Quayle presidency.

Think of me as that guy you see at the corner bar who's always
talking about politics and stirring up trouble.

There's nobody on the Internet who takes themselves less seriously than I do.
I don't want to encourage those who might mistakenly look to me leadership.

Did any of that make sense?
I re-wrote it a dozen times, and it's never what I mean to say, but this last version was close...

Got your Grey Goose?

Sears vs. BartCop

Filed 6/21/99

Payne County, Oklahoma
(Where the fuck is Payne County, Oklahoma?)

Case No: CJ-96-420
(Call the Payne County Court Clerk in Oklahoma.
 ASK if that's a real case, but be polite.)

Sears, Roebuck and Company,
a New York Corporation


Mark Deller
(Who the hell is Mark Deller?)


KopCo Inc. d/b/a
KopCo Web Color Press
Knuckledrag, OK

"You are hereby summoned pursuant to the attached affidavit..."


Oh, Joy!
Oh, Rapture!

So, it begins...

Now and then something happens that just boggles.
I just can't believe that it's really happening to me.
I got served at 10 PM on July 1, 1999.
Big, ugly dude beats on my door at 10 at night.
Me and the Glock .40 went to the front door.


This is MY house, and it's on MY land.
This ain't Kosovo, mother-effer.
If you plan to beat on my door after dark, your last name better be Kevlar.

"Who is it?" I asked through the door.

"Process server. I have a subpoena," he barked back.

"Ha ha," is all I could come up with.
Sometimes, I think I'm the Quick-Witted Kid,
but the idea that somebody wants me in court took me by surprise.

"Who's the subpoena for," I giggled.

"BartCop," this guys tells me.

So I open the door - he hands me the subpoena.
I was nice.
I was NOT rude to the man.
I was giggling like a smurf, but I wasn't rude.

I'm being sued.

ha ha

BartCop - getting sued.

By fucking Sears...

ha ha

Sears wants a piece of me?
Sears wants a piece of me?

ha ha

Woe to the plaintiff who sues Ol' BartCop.
I'll make them change their damn name.
They'll be Tears and Woebuck when this is over.

ha ha

What happened?
What would cause them to take this risk?
Did Halley's comet come back early?

Was there a virgin birth somewhere?

ha ha

Make 'em stop!

Sears wants to fuck with Ol' BartCop?
In court?

Is this an episode of Candid Camera?
Where's the camera?
Is that a camera over there?
Where's Allen Funt?

Oh, that's right, he's dead.
He's about as dead as Sears' chances of beating me in court.
Are they kidding?

This is like winning a lottery.
...and you know,
...it's just not fair,

ha ha

I like a good court fight, but this battle is already over.
Any of you people poker players out there?
Have you ever heard of a game called "High Chicago?"
It's a regular game of draw or stud poker, EXCEPT...
the guy with the high spade in the hole automatically
wins at least half the pot - guaranteed.

He wins.
He can't lose.
He wins automatically.
He even wins if Kenneth Starr indicts his cat.

ha ha

When you look at your cards for the first time, even before the first bet,
if you have the Ace of Spades in your hand, you can't lose - no matter what.

Even if Dan Quayle is your lawyer,
and the legal battle is over potatos, you can't lose.
That's what this is - a guaranteed win.

I can't lose.
I got the Ace.

ha ha

It's just not fair.
I have 300 trials under my belt,
300 wins with NO defeats,
and I get a slam-dunk like this?

Maybe there is a God.

Some poor schlep hands me a subpoena duces tecum,
at my front door ordering me to engage Sears's ass.
I'll engage them all right - with my waffle-stompers!
Regular readers know how much I LOOOOVE court action.


...it smells like VICTORY to me,

ha ha

Jesus Heche Christ, I've never lost a trial.
When I began, it never occurred to me to "keep score,"
but I started in 1979 and I haven't lost any cases -yet.
Granted, the 300 is an estimate, but if you're really old,
you can rack up an impressive string if you start early,
and go to court every month, and, here's the real trick
- you pick and choose your cases.

Never go to court if there's a chance you can lose.
That's what makes Sears's action so senseless.

Juries are unpredictable, and...
Judges are only slightly smarter than juries.
Write that down.

Judges are only slightly smarter than juries.
That sounds cynical, but it's a fact.
Odds are, your opponent is even more stupid than the jury,
so you go after him first. And how do you do that?
Threaten testicle removal with a dull knife.

...works every time,

Tell the ditto-monkey you'll make him bray like a donkey
in front of the whole courtroom and the judge. You tell him
you're going to make him do this for 20 humiliating minutes.

They always cave.

Court can be scary if you've never been there.
It can be really scary if you're going to lose, too.
When I'm extracting a pre-trial confession from one of my victims,
I'll ask them a BartCop-snare question, and they'll
whine some pitiful excuse that won't hunt and I say,
"Fine, Cubby. Tell it to the judge."

Nobody wants to stand before a judge.
Nobody except a veteran of 300 trials, maybe.
Koresh, the judge might be in a bad mood.

What if you're a plumber getting sued for malpractice
and the judge's ex-wife married the Roto-Rooter man?

Nobody wants to stand before a judge.
I think Sears' "Dream Team" is counting on me caving.

ha ha

This is so cool, I just can't fucking stand it!!
I'm getting sued by Sears!

Sears wants $923.19 from Ol' BartCop.
I assume they'll want attorney's fees, too.
I wonder what this attorney gets per hour?
Let's see... who is this guy?
The subpoena says his name is Steven Kloune, in OKC.

A clown?
Sears sent a clown after Ol' BartCop?

ha ha

I wonder if he's as good at being a lawyer
as he is at being a detective?

Sears is suing "Web Color Press," which is owned by "BartKop."
I assume "Web Color Press" is some kind of www deal.


All of you might be called as witnesses to testify that I,
BartCop, don't know Dole about web-working.
How could I own a web business when I have an IQ of 64?


I've been trying to get my soon-to-be-killer webpage up for the longest damn time,
but I'm a liberal with ADD, so I have to wait until somebody can help me with html and FTP.

So, Sears has the wrong BartCop.
This is going to be SO cool.

First, I set up the BartCop snare.
Attorneys are so goddamn arrogant and ignorant.
(That's why they became attorneys.)

I laid the BartCop snare, and all the while...
playing the role of the little, whipped dog.

(Remind me, I have three BartCop trial stories written,
I just haven't found a context for 'em.
These trial stories are pretty good and they're all true.)

So I played the little whipped dog for Woebuck's clown.
I called this clown Friday and I begged him,

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease don't sue me."
"Please, don't sue me, Mr. Super-Lawyer."

ha ha

Oh, ...I'm a bad, bad man.

I told him I was appealling to his "sense of decency," and I *begged* him not to sue me.
It was Oscar-class groveling, not seen since the Jimmy Swaggert "I have sinned," episode.
Of course, he refused to drop the suit.

We argued a while longer and gradually I got up some steam...
and when I closed, I pretended to get all flustered and lose my temper and I warned
Clown-boy that he was making a "big mistake" by coming after me - a BIG mistake.
Stealthly, I placed the BartCop snare around his balls.

This cocky, pompous bastard assumed he was dealing with some Okie-rube
who didn't have the sense to avoid a pissing contest with "Bobby Law,"
so he got all huffy and puffy and threatened to blow ol' BartCop's house down.

ha ha

I got something he can blow down,

ha ha

This was so damn cool!

He's all cock-sure that he has Mr. SmartAss all jacked-up and on the hook,
so he was getting real cocky about teaching Mr. Smart-Ass BartCop a lesson.

I did to him what Clinton did to Starr:
I drove him completely nuts so he made it personal!
He wants to win this one REAL bad, ...so here we go.

He wants to take me to court?
What if I refuse to go?
If I ignore the subpoena, they'll issue a bench warrant for me.
The judge will sign an order that I be brought to court.

ha ha

When I get dragged into court, the judge will ask me why I ignored
his order, and I'll tell the judge that I've already explained
to the lawyer-puta that he was making a big mistake.

Then I'll testify under oath that I've never owned a company
called "Web Color Press," and that lawyer-puta KNOWS this,
because I already told him this was a "big mistake," but ego-boy
CHOSE to waste the court's time with this senseless witchhunt.

ha ha

Then I'll give the Ol' BartCop snare a good YANK!
I love the little grunt they make when I do that.

ha ha

Make me stop!

If I pay the stenographer's fee, which should be cheap
because the trial will last only 15 minutes or so,
I could publish the transcript on  bartcop.com 
and we can all follow the blood-letting line-by-line,

No, wait!

I'll get my unemployed buddy Kurt to videotape it.
We'll call the tape "Battle of Little Big Horn II," and we'll sell copies to
up-and-coming lawyers as a "How Not to Fuck Up in Court" training video!

ha ha

I'll put the footage of this trial on the new bartcop.com
as a real audio file for my 140,000,000 readers, Koresh willing.

I could win this if Clarence "Slappy" Thomas was the judge!

Sears vs. BartCop
Trust me, Goliath doesn't have a chance.
Sears is just the kind of foe I like to bitch-slap in court.

I firmly believe we'll all see "President Gary Bauer"
before you see BartCop lose a dunker like this.

Oh, Oh, ...I'm getting drunk with power, ha ha

It's no fun beating up on Domino's Pizza or somebody small, but Sears is a 150 year-old
international mega-conglomerate with maybe 1,000 attorneys on their payroll.
I'd enjoy adding Sears to my resume of victims.
I expect them to offer me a job when the beating's over.

ha ha

I'll bet the clown they hired to come after me,
the clown who can't tell his BartCops apart,
I'll bet this boner wears a red afro wig and big floppy shoes to court.

ha ha

I'll bet this clown arrives with nine other lawyers
all packed in a yellow Volkswagen, honking their horns!


Koresh, if I have to, I'll go to the Spy Shop and buy a tie-clip camera with $2,000 of
my still-coming ADM money just to preserve this moment for law students everywhere.

Woebuck forgot Rule Number One: Cover your ass!

ha ha

If the timing works out, I may be able to post the trial time and date in advance so you
wealthier legal-types can fly in and see the massacre live. Then, maybe we could award
a free RL-LNW subscription to the most descriptive account of how little Davey's stone hit
the big, bad giant right between his billion-dollar eyes and knocked his fat ass to the ground.

If we spend the money, could we web-cast this?
Could we get a truck outside and infra-red the tie-cam signal
via cell-phone over the web live for everyone to see?

Sick Day!
Sick Day!
Call in drunk!

"Boss? Can't come to work today.
 BartCop is kicking Sears' ass live on the Internet."

ha ha

Wait, ...don't tell me how it could be done, or the Sears
clowns might say I had the web-savvy to pull this off,

ha ha

This is so goddamn Quayle-proof I can't stand it!
I have a feeling that before this whole deal is over I'm going to see the "softer side" of Sears.

If they can prove I own a company called "Web Color Press,"
then I'll kiss Rush's ass in Times Square at high noon.

Suddenly, time is moving veeeeeerrrrrrrry slowly.
I want to see how this ends NOW!

If the judge believes my TRUTHFUL testimony, that I am NOT the guy they're looking for,
and that I told Clownboy he was making a "big mistake,"
he could rule that the suit was frivolous in nature.

If that happens,
and it could,
he may award me the whole damn company in punative damages.

Then I'd change the name to Grey Goose and Woebuck.

ha ha

...Oh, God, I need a drink...

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