The US Government announced teen pregnancies are at a 40 year low.
Thank you, Bill Clinton.
Pigboy is such a riot these days.
Item: Governor Blow Monkey is calling the GOFP a pack of racist
Item: Pat Buchanan is leaving the party and taking the hard-right with him,
Item: Jesse and Trump look like they'll both run, taking more votes,
Item: Forbes is calling GB Monkey a liar for running false, misleading ads
Item: The GOFP can't resist slurring each other with infidelity rumors
...and Pigboy says the Democrats are "scared" and "in a big panic?"
Yeah, we're as scared as we were in 1996.
Pigboy, who believes anything you say?
Al Gore couldn't lose this election if he tried.
no Pizza Hut,
no Kentucky Fried Rats
and Drop the Chalupa chain.
Pigboy quoted Christopher Hitchins today.
This guy is an all-time piece of crap from England or maybe Australia.
Like Pigboy, he has "the courage to tell the truth."
Pigboy quoted him today because he said President Clinton enjoys
bombing innocent children in other countries.
He's on Hardball with Chris the Catholic right now,
whining about how lousy and unfair our political system is.
This pig works for Vanity Un-Fair.
He was on Dennis Miller a while back calling Clinton, "a fucking rapist,"
but what really defines him is the fact that he called Mother Thersa, "a whore."
He called Nancy Reagan a whore in the same show.
This Hitchins pig should be forced to marry Maureen Dowd.
Then they could spend eternity harping on each other.
This is an easy one.
Every Halloween, some dumb-ass accidentally hangs himself
while trying to scare some kids on a hayride somewhere.
This year, I predict a mid-northern state like Minnesota or Wisconsin.
November 1, I'll mention his name.
Prior to Game 4
I hated seeing Yankee Manager Joe Torre speak to that prick Jim Grey.
Maybe he got pressure from NBC.
Or, maybe they decided ending Gray's career was punishment enough.
The Yankees snubbing Gray was THE story all day today.
People who don't even watch baseball couldn't stop talking about it.
Joe, do us all a favor and end this series tonight.
After Game 4
NBC showed incredibly bad judgment with Jim Gray tonight.
Since the players refused to speak to him, NBC forced Jim Gray
on everybody by sending him into the locker room to present the trophy.
What could the players do?
Refuse the trophy?
It's like going to a dinner party and showing up with someone
the host specifically asked you not to bring.
Plus, the whole thing seems to have affected Gray.
He asked really, really stupid questions on the locker room.
He asked everyone he talked to why it was so quiet.
Maybe nobody wants to speak to you?
One other note: When did Bob Costas turn into a non-stop prattler?
I used to like Bob, but goddamn, he never shut up the whole night.
How does he talk without ever stopping to take a breath?
During the game, even with men on base, he rambled on and on about all
the deaths and the personal problems that affected each and every player.
Did you know there's a fucking baseball game on?
There was a timewhen you used to cover baseball, remember?
Don't you have anything to say about the game we're trying to watch?
Lastly, (applause) did Joe Morgan get a degree from Cliche University?
I taped most of the game, and I'm not going to go back and count them,
but Morgan kept saying crap like, "Atlanta needs to score some runs."
No wonder you're a Hall of Famer.
With insight like that, maybe you should manage a team.
Trying to close on a positive note, do you remember the night Cal Ripkin
broke Lou Gehrig's all-time consecutive games played milestone?
They always said it was the record that would never be broken.
Chris Berman, (is that his name? The guy on ESPN who says "back, back, back"
when there's a home run leaving the park) showed real class that night.
While Cal was taking his victory lap, (a trip his teammates had to force
Berman kept quiet as a Sphinx. It was the best announcing job I've ever seen.
It was at least 4 or 5 minutes of dead air while the crowd went ape-shit.
If Costas and Morgan had been there, they would've prattled on and on
telling bullshit story after bullshit story like some drunk on a plane.
Chris Berman had the sense to shut the hell up and let us enjoy the
I hope I'm getting his name right, because he's the best.
...that's the end of my whining, for tonight.
Damn, I'm having a great day.
Next to meeting Susan McDougal, this is the best day of 1999.
If you saw the ball game last night, you know why.
Remember this, from Volume 137?
"Ladies and Gentlemen...
I hereby announce the first ever recipient of
BartCop Lifetime Achievement Award is Joseph DiMaggio."
Remember why Joe Dimaggio won that award?
Check Old Business in Volume 137 if you don't remember.
I currently have an erection Bob Dole would pay money for.
We have another BartCop Lifetime
Achievement Award to give out.
...and, ...and the recipient is another member of the Yankees.
What are the odds?
I have no great love for the Yankees.
But when you do good, you get the reward.
In the third World Series game, Chad Curtis had already hit one home
It was tied in the tenth, Atlanta's Mike Remlinger fired a fastball at
Curtis and he hit the son-of-a-bitch over the left-field wall to end the game.
Chad Curtis, temporary World Series hero - the toast of New York.
The prick of the week, Jim Grey, ran up to Curtis with a microphone
and asked him to describe his game-winning home run.
Curtis, easily having the biggest moment of his career,
and probably the biggest single minute of his entire life, said,
"Jim, we took a team vote, and we're not talking to you."
Fuck the Press!
In the almost four year history of bartcop.com we've
only given out
one BartCop Lifetime Achievement Award and here we are
giving only our second BLAA to Chad Curtis of the New York Yankees.
I've said many, many times that I don't want to be famous.
I hereby withdraw that statement.
I want to be famous long enough for some major-network prick reporter
to get in my face on live TV and ask me some question - any question.
Please, God, make it Wolf Blitzer or backdoor Bettina Gregory.
I want to do what that ball player did and say, "Fuck the Press"
on live TV so they can't take it back.
Every time I send an update via FTP to "The Latest,"
the FTP reminds me of "Fuck the Press."
Fuck the Press!
Jim Grey should be fired.
He offered a half-ass, bullshit semi-apology before the game,
but it was a weasel I-don't-really-mean-it apology.
He apologized, "If I went too long with Pete Rose."
Fuck Jim Grey!
Get a real job, Cubby.
Your career is over.
What's NBC gonna do?
Send him back to Yankee Stadium tonight so they can ignore him again?
Maybe this'll start a trend.
Everybody should strike back.
The fascist dogs are always whining that the press is against them.
Stop going on their shows.
If the Republicans would say, "Fuck the press," well, I still wouldn't vote for them
because, after all, they're fascist dogs, but I'd sure have a lot more respect for them.
If the GOFP was really being mistreated by the press,
they'd appear exclusively on the Fox Whore Network
and boycott the "dominant liberal media elite."
Please, Koresh, let me get just one moment in the big spotlight
so I can say "Fuck the Press" on live TV.
I haven't seen a TV today, but the print press is ignoring it.
USA Today might have an excuse, because they go to print so late.
But the Knuckledrag Daily had hours to cover this before they went to bed,
and there wasn't a single word about this on the sports pages.
You know what this means...
Tonight is decadent Rock Island
Tea Night at BartCop manor.
I'm going to buy the Grey Goose and the Chinaco and mix them!
...and then I'm going to dance naked!
It's time to celebrate!
Koresh, I'm in a good mood.
Fuck the Press!
Pizza Hut Update 3
Jay Allison's pager number is still 800-340-7785.
I think I'll call him a few times, put in the KKK Hotline number,
the number for Domino's, the RNC etc.
Everybody's talking about what a prick Jim Grey is.
I missed him grilling Pete Rose, dammit, but I've never liked that guy, anyway.
Trust me, I'm no Mike Tyson fan, but right after Tyson bit Holyfield,
Grey was in his face. Swear to Koresh, I'm certain Grey was trying to get
Tyson pissed enough to hit him, then he could bitch and moan about what
an evil man Tyson is.
True, Tyson's an out-of-control maniac, but smart people know not to
get in the face of an out-of-control maniac when he's upset.
From all reports, Pete handled Grey differently than I would have.
I'd like to go a few rounds with him.
(Grey, not Tyson.)
Did you see the Jeopardy sketch with Norm McDonald on SNL?
What "Sean Connery" did to "Alec Trebec" is a good example of how to
dismantle some asshole with humor and G-rated language.
Pete should've asked Grey if he was still a "buck-futter."
Larry King Live
Larry King: Tonight, a very Special Edition of Larry King.
Please welcome world-renowned psychic James Van Praagh.
LK: Good evening, Mr. Van Praagh
VP: Good evening, Larry, pleased to meet you.
LK: Today, we're going to try to contact someone I knew well.
We're coming up to the anniversary of Sonny Bono's death.
We're waiting for Mary Bono, the grieving widow, to arrive.
She must be running late...
VP: We'll need her.
It always works better with the widow nearby.
LK: I'm sure she'll be here soon.
VP: I hope so, I don't have a lot of time.
LK: Wait, you talk to the dead, but you're in a hurry?
VP: Can we call her house and see what time she left?
LK: Sure, I'll have the staff call.
No, ...the staff says there's no answer.
She must be on her way.
VP: Maybe we should get going?
LK: Gosh, you're impatient, but OK.
By the way, how did you get started, talking to the dead?
VP: It's in my family.
We've been talking to the dead for centuries.
LK: By the way, Mr. Van Praagh, are you Catholic?
VP: Why, yes, how did you know?
LK: Oh, ...just a lucky guess.
We want to contact former representative Sonny Bono.
Gosh, I wish Mary was here.
Staff, try Mary Bono's house again - and her cell phone, too.
VP: OK, ..I'm starting to get something...
LK: How you you hear the dead?
Is it actual words?
Or do you just sense general feelings?
VP: Mostly just feelings, but sometimes if there are strong emotions
involved, I can actually hear the voice of the deceased.
It's called "Morte Voce."
LK: Yeah, ...I know.
VP: Wow! I'm sensing some very strong emotional signals.
It seems like Mr. Bono is very upset about something...
LK: I'm sure he is.
He lost his lovely wife.
I'm sure their bond was a very sacred one.
Why, when Sonny died, his wife felt so close to him,
she felt a spiritual calling to step into Sonny's shoes
and she took over his seat in the House of Representatives.
VP: Is he the guy who was screwing his secretary while trying
to impeach Clinton for that Monica thing?
LK: No, that was Newt Gingrich.
Sonny would never do that.
Their marriage was very strong.
VP: Well, he's certainly enraged about something.
I'm going to try to put myself in a trance.
LK: A trance?
VP: Yes. Sometimes when the emotions are strong, I let my mind
completely and the deceased uses my voice to speak with you.
LK: I believe at least part of that statement.
VP: No, really.
I'm starting to get something now...
Are you there Sonny?
Sonny Bono: That bitch!
LK: Sonny, is that you?
SB: That bitch!
That rotten bitch!
How could she do this to me?
LK: Sonny, what do you mean?
Who's a bitch?
SB: Larry, that bitch killed me!
Mary, your lovely wife?
SB: That bitch switched my pills that day
at Lake Tahoe.
She got me loaded, then goaded me into taking the expert ski run.
LK: Loaded and goaded?
SB: That's right, the bitch!
LK: I wish she would hurry up and get here.
I'd like to hear her side of the story...
SB: She's not coming.
Right now, she's f---ing that guy from Diamond Rio.
LK: Sonny, your language!
Is that near Palm Springs?
SB: No, stupid.
Diamond Rio is a country band.
She's been f---ing their drummer for three years.
LK: Sonny, you have to watch your language or you're off the air.
SB: Christ, I'm dead.
What are you going to do - ban me for life?
LK: She's been with that guy three years?
That doesn't sound right.
Are you sure?
You two had a storybook marriage.
SB: That's what I thought, but it was all
a sham to get my money,
to get my paid-for home and to take my seat in the goddamn House.
That black widow is a slut, and more money-grubbing than Cher!
LK: I wish she was here to defend herself.
SB: Don't you understand English?
She's f---ing that Diamond Rio guy.
LK: Sonny! We're on television!!
You mean right now?
SB: Yes, right now.
LK: We called her home, and we...
SB: No, you called MY home, and she can't
hear you because
her ears are buried in Rio boy's lap!
...in my goddamn bed!!!
LK: But Sonny, this is all too much to comprehend.
You're saying Mary messed with your medication so you'd be
too groggy to ski and then tricked you into taking the expert
ski run, hoping you'd die?
SB: You got it, that's exactly what she
LK: But Sonny, if that's who you really are...
For all I know, this Van Praagh character is some publicity-seeking
fraud who's trying to tarnish the reputation of one of the very few
House Republicans who isn't a neo-Nazi scumbagette.
SB: That bitch would screw Hitler's corpse
is she could steal his money.
You want proof?
I got proof right here.
SB: There's that bastard, Rio boy and my
He's got his right hand on her ass in this picture.
Hey! That's my silver tie he's wearing.
That bitch told me the cleaner ruined it, but I found out after
my death that she gave it to him two years ago.
LK: I admit, the photo looks real...
SB: Oh, it's real all right.
It was in goddamn People Magazine.
LK: Easy on the language, Sonny.
We're on TV, here.
SB: You can't see it, but she took my 2
carat diamond and
re-mounted it as her engagement ring from Rio boy.
LK: She's engaged already?
SB: They've been engaged for almost a year.
LK: I didn't know anything about her engagement.
SB: It was supposed to be a secret, but
she forgot to take the ring off
and they were spotted in public.
In a panic, she confessed she was "newly engaged,"
but she's been fu.. uh...screwing him since mid-1997.
LK: Something's not right, here.
I was at your funeral.
I saw her put that ring in your casket, as a testament
to her undying love and respect for you.
She buried me with a zircon.
I want my ring back!!
I want my silver tie back, too!
LK: Sonny, you sound so bitter.
SB: She's a monster, Larry.
She screws Rio boy with my kids in the House.
...and she's a real screamer in bed!
LK: How are your kids taking it?
SB: Do they have a choice?
She tells everyone the kids like him, but they don't.
They miss their Daddy, and they don't like Rio boy.
LK: It must be tough...
SB: Larry, it's worse than you know.
She was screwing Gingrich, too.
SB: That's right.
While he was going after Clinton, he was cheating on his wife,
and he was cheating on his girlfriend ...with my wife.
LK: That's terrible.
Is there any proof of that?
SB: If you're asking if he paid her with
his American Express, no.
But I saw them with my own eyes.
LK: That's really terrible.
SB: Not to mention the hypocrisy.
Mary voted to impeach Clinton, while she was screwing
Rio boy and the Speaker of the House.
LK: I see everything from where I'm at.
Mary just got done screwing Rio boy.
She's calling your producer with her phony excuse.
She's dialing right now.
VP: What's that?
LK: Oh, Hi, Mr. Van Praagh
Uh, Mary Bono called, she couldn't make it.
VP: Sometimes these things just don't work out like you'd like, Larry.
LK: You can say that again...
Last Saturday's "Concert of the Century" from the White House?
It wasn't, because neither Page nor Bono was there, but it was
Clapner (homage to Jocylen Elders) did a Robert Johnson song.
All praise to Robert Johnson.
If you don't know who Robert Johnson is,
then you don't know what Rock n' Roll is.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
If you don't know who Robert Johnson is,
you need to spend twenty bucks and educate yourself.
You should stop reading this AT WORK and go to a well-connected
record store and purchase Robert Johnson's Complete Works.
Yes, it might cost you SOME MONEY,
but you're going to meet the man who invented rock music.
Do this, thank me later.
Clapner and Lenny did "Watchtower."
It's been years since Clapton played like a rock star.
Altho, two weeks ago, he did "White Room" with Sheryl "Can't-dance" Crow.
I loved every minute of it.
Chris Gaines did an American medley, it was good.
We needed to hear Miss American Pie again...
Melissa "Estridge" and B.B.King did U2's "When Love Comes to Town."
That's a Bono song.
All praise to Bono.
Lenny did "I Want to Fly" and his guitar player went total Davidian!
Who IS this Dude in the hat?
I know guitar players, this guy is an undiscovered monster!
I want to give money to this guitar player
Koresh, those Democrats know how to party.
I wonder who had the most drugs that night?
Ever since the Beatles smoked a joint in the "Buckingham Palace toilet,"
liberals have wanted to smoke one on "sacred ground."
Speaking of being out-of-it in the White House,
I really need to finish my BartCop-at-the-White-House story.
I'm not proud if it, but it DID happen.
If nothing else, you get honesty from Ol' BartCop.
I suppose they'll replay this White House concert.
Trust me, the first hour is Magic.
As I write this, Jay Leno is interviewing Angie Harmon,
the sexiest woman on network television.
He asked her this question, "What's more sexy than chocolate?"
Trust me - The South's Finest Chocolates.
They sell $5 orgasms.
For $50, you can get twenty chocolate orgasms.
Married - single, it doesn't matter.
Cheaper then Cocaine, and it's legal!
You should stop right now, and click the South's Finest Website,
Last time I mentioned this, they sent me e-mail, saying they were fans.
Don't buy their chocolate because they're liberals.
Don't buy this chocolate because they like Ol' BartCop.
I'd buy THIS chocolate from Kenneth Starr, and I'd TIP his Nazi ass.
I wonder, if I sent some South's Finest Chocolate to Angie Harmon.
No, ...no, ... I won't even go there.
I'm a liberal.
My marriage vows MEAN something...
Don't think this is a joke, I'm 100 percent serious.
Sunday, he ran a punt back 70 yards.
In the end zone, he dropped to his knees, and pointed to the sky.
He was thanking God for giving him the talent to play football.
It was so Koresh-damn cool.
He pointed to God, and shook his head, "Yes!"
He pointed to his chest, and shook his head, "No!"
He pointed to the sky again and shook his head, "Yes!"
I teared up.
You know how I feel about the charade that IS organized religion.
Deion averages what, $10,000,000 per year?
You can't buy Deion Sanders once he's slapping millions around.
Once you have the tens of millions in the bank,
you'd have to be a dirty, stinking, lying, Nazi pig-of-a-whore to sell your honor.
Deion Sanders, in BartCop's opinion, is sincere in his beliefs.
When Deion does something superhuman, he praises God for the opportunity.
Question: Did Deion try to force his religious opinions on me?
Question: Did Deion push legislation that would FORCE ME to worship his God?
Question: Did Deion say I'd burn for eternity if I disagreed with him?
Question: Did Deion ask me for money?
Question: Did Deion INSIST the government force his religion down our throats?
No, he didn't.
When he had the spotlight,
when he knew every camera was on him,
he chose to shift that spotlight to his religion.
Good for Deion.
It's like Roy Jones Jr.
When he wins a fight, he thanks God for giving him the talent..
GOOD FOR Roy Jones Jr.
Granted, if Ol' BartCop won a boxing match or ran back a punt,
I wouldn't thank some invisible, ethereal (is that a word?) being.
I'd likely thank my high school football coach or my first boxing trainer,
but by Koresh, if somebody wants to shine the light on their beliefs, FINE!
...unless you're Senator Pissquik from Cockfight, Oklahoma.
I don't need to hear SHIT about what Senator Cockfight believes sin.
...forgive me, I'd like to insert a gratuitous "Fuck You," to Senator Cockfight Pissquik.
Bottom line, my heart gets warm when somebody expresses their religious
and doesn't flash an 800 number for the sick and the old to send money to.
Jesse had it right.
Weak people NEED religion.
Would BartCop-ism rob the weak and the stupid of their rabbit's foot?
In BartCop's America, you can believe in any wacko religion you want,
as long as the children don't have to handle snakes or fuck David Koresh.
I would like to hear from my liberal friends that they agree.
I'd like for 50 people to e-mail me and say, "Deion's OK."
E-Mail BartCop right now!
If YOU hit the home run that wins the game,
If YOU knock out your opponent in the ring,
If YOU run back the punt for a touchdown,
you should be allowed to thank whoever YOU think deserves it.
After all, we're not Communists...
(A gratuitous Godfather reference.)
Fortunately, Deion worships a non-racist God.
By the way, I HATE the Cowboys.
I've hated them for 30 years.
I'm from St Louis.
I have hours and hours of Cowboy losing football
If I can get BartCop TV rolling, I could play hours of Cowboy Lowlights!
I have dozens of their losses on tape.
My favorite tapes are when Jimmy Johnson gets mad!
Jimmy Johnson pulling on his toupe is live TV at it's finest!
I HATE the Cowboys.
But with Deion, you simply must recognize world-class talent.
Hate Deion if you must, but he's the Bill Clinton of the NFL.
End of Sidebar
I want to hear from the left wing.
I want to hear from someone who says Deion had NO RIGHT to praise his God.
I'm not sure you can believe in fairy-tales any less than Ol' BartCop,
but I want to stand up for Freedom of Religion.
Deion Sanders and Roy Jones Jr. have every right to thank their God.
In BartCop's America, there IS religious freedom.
I like Howard Stern.
Mrs. BartCop is 50/50.
If he's interviewing some big star, Mrs. BartCop will allow me to watch.
If he's spanking lesbians, it's back to the Weather Channel.
I don't know why, but the news from New York that Howard Stern was
separating from his wife hit me harder than it should have.
Maybe I'm the most gullible dumb-ass in America, but I believe him when
he's never cheated on his wife. Remember the true-as-hell Chris Rock-ism,
"A man is only as faithful as his options."
Koresh knows Stern has had options 99 percent of men can only dream of.
I'm serious about my respect for him about that,
but I also mourn the demise of that great comedy gimmick.
He'd be spanking some lesbian, and she'd look over her shoulder and say,
"Oh, Howard, please take me to a cheap hotel and turn me straight."
Stern would always say, "Oh, Baby, ...if only I wasn't married..."
With Jack Benny, it was his cheapness.
With Dean Martin, it was his drunken behavior.
With Stern, it was his loyalty to his wife.
What's he going to do now?
I know Stern has an ugly side.
I've always thought if he cut out the grossest 20 percent, he'd be accepted
by twice the people, but maybe censoring him would kill his creativity.
I can't tell how much is pre-written by Jackie, but I do know that there's
nobody better on the planet who can get a star to let down his/her guard.
He's the best interviewer I've ever seen.
He's faster than either Clinton doing live interviews.
Anyway, he's lost his wife and his family - that's sad.
His wife says his show is more important to him than his family.
Another BartCop prediction:
They'll get back together.
BartCop, Restaurant Critic
Let me start by saying I accept all responsibility for my actions.
Mrs. BartCop and I went to see Three Kings last night.
Being an ADD liberal with an IQ of 64, I'm very impressionable.
I liked the movie, nothing super, but it had a good ending.
Mrs. BartCop and I gave it a B+ rating.
The trouble is, after watching two hours of macho men risking their
an impressionable guy like myself tends to get into trouble.
After the movie, she says she wants to check out some new Mexican restaurant.
You married men know how it is... resistance is futile, so I agreed to go.
I asked what the name of the place was, and she says, "Senior Tequila's."
My interest in this restaurant went from a "2" to a "9."
So we drive to Senior Tequila's restaurant and get a table.
Sidebar - Have you ever heard of a super-awful
Mexican restaurant chain
called "Casa Bonita?" The food is truly awful. It's hardly edible.
They have Casa Bonita restaurants in Oklahoma, Arkansas and maybe Memphis.
Koresh, they could be nationwide, I know nothing about their operation,
other than it tastes worse than prison food, but they do have one saving grace
At this bullshit Mexican restaurant, it's all-you-can-eat.
(That's not their saving grace. All-you-can-eat prison food is still prison food.)
Their saving grace is the little flag mounted on a little flagpole..
If you need attention, you raise the flag.
This is the best goddamn idea in the history of food.
When I'm in a restaurant, I want to be left the hell alone.
Everybody needs to stay away from Ol' BartCop all the time!!
If I want something, I'll raise the damn flag.
On the other hand - if the flag is NOT raised,
you're a leper to me, OK?
It never fails.
You know how you save that very last bite, the
so you can savor the flavor all the way home?
Invariably, (is that a word?) just when you get
that perfect bite in,
some clown jumps in your face and says, "So, how is everything?"
and your choices are flipping him the bird or swallowing prematurely
and losing that last, perfect bite of the whole goddamn meal.
The flag is the best idea since food was invented.
Every restaurant in the country should have flags.
If my flag ain't flying,
I don't want to be disturbed.
I've said it again and again.
People don't impress me much.
If you're name isn't Page, Bono, McDougal, Carville or Clinton,
I don't want to talk to you.
Stay away from me.
What's taking me 1,000 words to say, is this:
At Senior Tequila's, every three minutes some waitperson
jumps in my face and asks me if everything is OK.
Hey! Is my flag up?
End of sidebar.
So here I am, in Senior Tequila's Mexican restaurant.
People are swarming around me like African Bees.
I'm still on my Clooney-at-war jag, and the waiter asks if I'd like a cocktail.
Old time readers can probably guess where this story is going...
I said, "Yes, what kinds of tequila do you serve?"
The young, Mexican-American waiter looked me in the eye and said,
"I think we might have some Jose Cuervo back there..."
I gave him a look that would make Dr. Laura shut up.
Mrs. BartCop moved her hands above the table, her nails ready to strike.
I also remembered what Dr. Shariff said about my blood pressure.
In my mind, I chanted some hommina, hommina, homminas...
I asked him if they served any OTHER tequilas besides Jose Cuervo.
I apologize up front for this - I know I'm weak.
Please forgive the transgression that's about to take place.
Bad language is always uncalled for in a business setting,
but I have a history of being denied fine liquor,
and I'd just come from a war.
Koresh as my witness, he looks me in the eye and says,
"We have some other tequilas back there, but I don't know what they are."
Then he stared at me, waiting for my reply.
"Look at me. Do I look like fucking Kreskin to you?"
Mrs. Bartcop's hands shot out towards my arm, but I was ready for her.
I leaned back, and the table was too wide - she couldn't reach me.
The poor waiter probably doesn't know who Kreskin is,
and I know my behavior was inexcusable,
but why am I always being denied fine liquor?
Try to understand my point of view.
If we were at "Bob's Taco Hut," I wouldn't demand fine tequila.
The name "Bob's Taco Hut" doesn't promise anything.
But "Senior Tequila's Mexican Restaurant" promises I'm going
a lot of tough decisions to make about exactly which fine tequila I'll be shooting.
(Blood pressure now 220 over 175)
Ok, I'm calmer now...
Mrs. BartCop insisted I leave a big-ass tip, and we left without further incident.
Two things about this mess you need to remember are:
1. All restaurants should have flags.
If my flag's not up, don't speak to me, stay the hell away from me.
2. If you boast "Tequila" in your name,
you better have some Chinaco Anejo for your paying customers.
- Don't write and tell me I'm a bad man.
I know what I did was wrong, but sometimes people tax me.
Great Carville Quotes
All George W. Bush knows about foreign policy is sitting on some
barstool in Laredo saying, "Hey, Jose! Give us another round."
Pizza Hut Update 1
Is there anyone in New York that thinks Pizza Hut sells "real" New York Pizza?
Jose Cuervo is closer to real tequila than Pizza Hut to real New York
Pizza Hut Update 2
Jay Allison's pager number is still 800-340-7785.
We should count the days until he has to change it.
The poor bastard is hangin' in there, and he is returning calls.
He's averaging less than ten minutes to call back.
He's probably not having a good weekend.
I hope, ...like, it wasn't his wife's birthday or something...
Major Theft Reported
No Charges Filed by Rightful Owner
Remember this, from way back in RL-LNW
GOP On the Move
The Republican Party is still trying to help their members
overcome their extreme, overt racism.
They've tried everything!
They've tried quitting cold-turkey.
They've tried liking light-skinned blacks.
They've tried embracing supply-side, sell-out stab-in-the-back traitors
like Uncle OJ Watts and Clarence "Slappy" Thomas.
But now, they think they've finally found the answer:
That was two years ago.
Last night's Chris Rock Show on HBO had this:
Chris, you're the funniest man in America.
If you're surfing the net,
and find something you like at bartcop.com
you go right ahead and help yourself.
And please, don't feel guilty.
Playboy stole two jokes from me one month,
and I co-wrote the Clinton defense team's closing argument during impeachment.
You're the best, Chris.
Anything you see at bartcop.com is FREE.
No need to call, it's yours, Buddy!
...always willing to help a brother out.
First, let me say this is no Domino's rumor.
I just got off the phone with Pizza Hut.
It's official - they hate Hillary, and they don't mind pissing off millions of voters.
First, I called my local Pizza Hut and explained I wouldn't buy any
more pizza from them.
(Keep in mind, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Rats are all owned by Pepsi.)
The local Pizza Hut guy told me to call Jay Allison, Public Relations
If this guy is a public relations specialist, I'm Bill Gates.
I called Jay's office, 972-338-7815 and got his recorder.
His recorder said I could page Jay at 800-340-7785 and he'd call me right away.
I told Jay that I won't eat at those three restaurants again.
I said Clinton's approval rating was around 60 percent,and I asked why Pizza Hut would
want to insult his wife and 60 percent of the Pizza Hut customers.
He said the commercial was NOT about Hillary.
I said, "Now you're insulting ME with that non-truth."
I told him Pigboy played the commercial on his hate show.
Fox News has a picture of the fake Hillary on their foxnews.com or whatever it is.
I asked why he was insulting me and sixty percent of America.
He said the commercial never mentioned Hillary or Guiliani by name,
and that Pizza Hut would never get involved in politics.
He just insulted me again!
The lady who says, "I want to be your senator," is not supposed
to be Hillary?
Pizza Hut doesn't get into politics?
In Oklahoma, we have a word for statements like that:
I said, "If Pizza Hut doesn't get into politics, why did they give $2500 to Guilianni?"
He said, "Pizza Hut didn't do that, their parent company did
I asked what the hell difference that was supposed to make?
Jay immediately realized he wasn't going to win this one.
He thanked me for my opinion, and said, "I enjoy getting feedback."
Hey - that sounds like he wants to hear from everybody on this
You can spend your hard-earned money and pay to express your opinion...
You could call Jay's pager FREE!
Jay's you-pay-for-the-call answering machine is 972-338-7815.
But to give Jay your opinion for FREE, his machine tells you to page
him at 800-340-7785.
He'll call you right back.
I'm not saying you should call him, but if you do,
you might mention the Taco Bell/Kentucky Fried Rats connection, too.
Jay said mine was the first complaint he's received about this anti-Hillary commercial.
I wonder if I'll be the last...
If Jay calls you back, E-Mail BartCop and tell me what he said.
Men never want their wives to see what they're doing on the Internet.
Women always want their husbands to see what they're doing on the Internet.
I've never heard a Pigboy argument that I couldn't shoot down in seconds.
Pigboy says America has Clinton fatigue - they're just tired of him.
This might be true, but let's look at the reason.
I'm going to make a short list.
You tell me if what I'm saying is true or not.
World War II
Now, take everything ever written about those six subjects,
multiply it by twenty and you have what they call Clinton fatigue.
Koresh, Clinton's cock alone has had more coverage
than World War II and John Kennedy combined.
Whose fault is that?
Who's responsible for 24/7 discussions of Clinton's cock?
Not Bill Clinton.
Do you think Clinton wants Fox News talking about his cock every
Do you think Clinton wants Pigboy talking about his cock every day?
Do you think Clinton wants Dr. Whora talking about his cock every day?
Do you think Clinton wants CNN talking about his cock every night?
Do you think Clinton wants CBS talking about his cock every night?
Do you think Clinton wants NBC talking about his cock every night?
Do you think Clinton wants ABC talking about his cock every night?
Do you think Clinton wants Pat Robertson talking about his cock every night?
Do you think Clinton wants MSNBC talking about his cock every night?
Do you think Clinton wants CNBC talking about his cock every night?
Over and over and over and over and over, every goddamn day.
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock,
Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, Clinton's cock, so yes, we're all sick of it.
So why don't they fucking stop?
Pigboy built his career on the Clinton Cock Hunt.
Dr. Laura turned right-wing whore to join the Clinton Cock Hunt.
Fox News was created for the Clinton Cock Hunt.
The big networks made billions on the Clinton Cock Hunt.
MSNBC was created for the Clinton Cock Hunt.
CNN's ratings doubled for the Clinton Cock Hunt.
Larry King had to go to seven nights a week to cover the Clinton Cock Hunt.
All Clinton ever wanted was to be a good president.
Helms and Faircloth hired Kenneth Starr to invade Clinton's sex life,
and the shit-for-brains Supreme Court said that was a really good idea.
The press, being incredibly lazy whores, joined in the Clinton Cock
This way, they didn't have to do any work.
All they had to do was call Starr or Drudge for todays "important news."
Yes, we're all tired of it.
So why don't they fucking stop?
Be sure to check "Back Issues" for yesterdays rants.