Vol 153 - Know Pizza Hut, No Peace

Great True, Republican Religi-Wacko Quotes

"The Number One crisis in America is the Moral Crisis."
  -- Pat the Rat Robertson

You know what?
He might be right.

Go figure.
Pat the Rat Robertson might've gotten one right.
If it's true, do you know why?

Do you know why the Moral Crisis is Number One?

I'll tell you why - because
Bill Clinton solved every other goddamn crisis.

When Clinton took office, America had a horrible economic crisis.
The dollar was shit, black employment was in double digits,
nobody was hiring and our soldiers and sailors stayed in the military
because there were no jobs for anybody to go to.
We had foreign policy troubles one after another.
(Iran, Nicaragua, Libya, Panama, The Isle of Nutmeg, Kuwait)
Places like Kosovo, Haiti and Bosnia were "laissez-faire" issues.
Crime and murder were skyrocketing to new levels.
Crack was a wildfire, police lost control of the streets to the gangs.
Teen pregnancy and teen drug use were pandemic.
AIDS meant a fast, certain death.

We had war.
We had recession.
We had Reagan cutting Social Security.
Reagan and Butch were arming the Contras, Afghanistan, the Iraqis, and fucking Iran.

...and then along came the draft-dodging, dope-smoking, skirt-chasing, KGB boy!

Bill Clinton fixed everything.

Clinton reversed the Reagan Error.
Clinton taxed America into prosperity.
ha ha
They hate it when you remind them that that's true.

When Wall Street saw the debt falling, due to the tax increase,
they knew Clinton was serious about reversing Reagan's spending spree.

Clinton fixed everything.

The reason, if it's true, that our biggest concern is some unseen, "Moral Crisis,"
it's because every crisis we can see with our eyes has been handled by Bill Clinton.
Notice, every time they attack Clinton, it's for an unseen, immeasurable "harm."

Our "standing" worldwide.
Our military "unreadiness."
Our children's "lack of heroes."
The "moral crisis" we're "suffering" from?
Our "inner fiber," whatever that is.

Clinton is guilty of allllllllll the charges that can't be measured or proven.
Guilty, guilty, guilty - because they can't be measured.

...and the successes Clinton gave us?

They're either "non-existent" or Reagan is responsible.

ha ha

Clinton fixed everything.

Things are working so well, we've turned on ourselves because the GOP
needs something to hate or they can't raise money from their McVeigh wing.

Where is a preacher without the Devil?
He's broke, looking for work, that's where.

Where is the GOP without the Commie Menace?
They're clawing at Clinton's Cock, looking for a "constitutional crisis."

Jesus Christ...

If you religi-wackos could just shelve the hate for, say, 72 hours,
and allow science and logic to establish a foothold on your fears,
those of us who know the direction could really show you some progress.

I don't care if you handle snakes.
I don't care if you worship the God of Cock-Fighting.
I don't care if you drink your savior's blood.
I don't care if you slit the throat of a goat every Tuesday.
I don't care if you believe that the dead will live again.
(ha ha)

...I'm just asking that you give science and logic 72 hours.

Tell Caspar you'll be back Friday.
What do you have to lose?
Besides your fear and superstitions?

This change I'm proposing...it's nothing radical, really.
You can keep your clothes on.
It doesn't cost anything, in fact, it's cheaper than tithing.
You don't have to leave your house.
Like prayer, you can do it anywhere, anytime.
You don't have to put anything in your mouth.
I'm selling education to you, folks.

I'm asking you to step on a crack in the sidewalk and
not worry that your Mama's back has just been broken.

Science and logic - 72 hours...

Am I really asking that much?

Maybe it's not a moral problem we have, maybe it's a morale problem.
I'm getting tired of trying to teach logic to ignorant, superstitious baboons.

Pigboy is a bottomless pit when it comes to tasteless remarks.
(Multiple Updates - See Below)

Monday, he asked listeners to chase the kids out of the room
so he could call the president of the United States, "a turd licker."

Yes, Rush Limba is the epitome of a Republican with class.

Rush speaks for ALL Republicans.
Rush speaks for the Religious Right.
Rush speaks for ALL conservatives.
Rush is the epitome of a Republican with class.

Now, why did he call our president, "a turd licker?"

He did that because Kenneth Starr, the habitual cock-sucker, included in his
goddamn impeachment referral the following sentence, known as "Monica Footnote #210."

Kenneth Starr, the habitual cock-sucker, stated as a fact,
"The president and Monica engaged in oral/anal contact."

Remember now, Starr didn't say, "One scared-for-her-parent's-life woman testified that..."
No, Starr the habitual cock-sucker stated that incredibly ugly assertion as a fact.

Now you ditto-monkeys need to pay attention here.

If you ever say anything to me again about "Pigboy doesn't slur people,"
I'll remind you what the "King of Republican Class" called our president,
and I'll remind you what that habitual cock-sucker Starr put in his report.

Starr continues to claim he was, "Only doing his job."

How does scaring Monica into testifying about Clinton's anus
make the Constitution any stronger?

Could you answer that one for me, please?
Is there any clearer proof that:

-Starr never intended to do anything but destroy Clinton?

-Rush Limbaugh, who speaks for every Republican, every conservative
 and every member of the religious right, is their classiest representative?

When Rush calls our president, "turd licker," he speaks for ALL Republicans.
Rush speaks for the Religious Right.
Rush speaks for ALL conservatives.
Rush is the epitome of a Republican with class.

I'm really fucking glad Pigboy is on their side.

Update One

I just remembered that Pigboy was using "Talent on Loan From God"
to call our president a "turd licker."

If you, as a believer in God, weren't insulted by that remark,
then I submit your religion is a sham.

If your God doesn't mind Pigboy using His name to call our president "turd licker,"
then I submit you have no respect for your God.

I call on all religious people to condemn the son-of-a-bitch for his remarks.

If you allow Pigboy to slur God's name this way,
then you have about as much respect for your religion as I do.

Let me hear from you.

And Papa, my Christian buddy, if you're reading this, I'd especially like
to hear from you.   If you're not insulted at Pigboy using God's name to
call Clinton a "turd licker," I submit your religion is a sham and a hoax
which exists only to further a political agenda.

E-mail BartCop

Update Two

Remember the pompous ass, Michael Del Giorno?
He's the self-important religio-pig who follows Rush on Knuckledrag AM.

I invited him to comment on Pigboy's "turd licker" comments .

Here's Fax One to the Pompous Ass.
(Read the fax.)

He failed to mention anything on the air.
I realize most faxes don't get read on-the-air,
but I know Pompous Ass Del Giorno read and rejected my fax.
(We have a history beyond what has been reported here.)

You know why he rejected it?
Because he knows I'm right about the vile, bastard Pigboy.

Pigboy's behavior is inexcusable, but Del Giorno,
and most of the professed "super-Christians" I've talked to,
would gladly trade their religious dignity for a chance to stick a shiv into Clinton.
You religio-charlatans hate Clinton, hate gays, hate, hate, hate.
"Christian" is the VERY last name you should hide behind, since Christ hated nobody.

Since Del Giorno didn't have the balls to stick up for his God, I sent a second fax.
(Read the second fax.)

You know what the bottom line is?

Most religion is bullshit hypocrisy.

SHOW ME someone who's sincere in their beliefs.
SHOW ME a Christian who puts God above their hatred for Bill Clinton.
SHOW ME a Christian, besides Billy Graham, who says, "No," to hate.

Remember years ago, Clinton went to Africa.
His staff called ahead and asked about the proper protocol for Clinton attending
an African Catholic Mass.  The Church told the White House staff it was
not only OK, but EXPECTED that Clinton receive Holy Communion.

When he did, the Catholic Clinton-haters used the Body of Christ as a weapon
to beat Clinton about the face and shoulders to score political points,
points that didn't even fucking exist because the Church pre-approved everything.

This was one of the most disgusting displays of religio-hypocrisy I've ever seen.
Using the Body of Christ as a weapon?

Have they no shame at all?

Let me put things in perspective for you.
I've kidded that Jimmy Page is God.
Would I use Page's cherry-red doubleneck guitar to kick Limba's ass?
No, I wouldn't, because it's kinda special to me.

Why is it that Jimmy Page's guitar means more to me than
the Body of Christ does to rank-and-file religio-ditto-monkeys?

All the Republicans have is hate, hate, hate.

Dr. Laura hates Clinton's guts as much as Pigboy Limba,
yet she's always harping about "doing the right thing."

Jerry Falwell is another one.
Falwell made MILLIONS selling lies called The Clinton Chronicles.
He made fucking millions by putting those stupid Body Count lies in print.

Pigboy, Dr. Laura and Falwell represent mainstream American religion.
The three of them have more hate in their hearts than the Middle East,
China, North Korea and Northern Ireland combined..

Let me put it this way:
Let's say God offered you Clinton-hating religio-wackos a choice.

What if there was a way to GET Bill Clinton, once and for all?
What if God offered to send His only Son, once again, to Earth.

All you had to do was to ask Jesus Christ to answer one more call to duty.
All you had to do was ask Jesus Christ to endure one more crucifixion,
and you'd be assured of getting that evil Bill Clinton once and for all.
(I have no doubt Jesus Christ could defeat Bill Clinton.)

So, there you have it - what you've wanted so badly for seven looooong years.
You can finally have Bill Clinton's head on a stick.
All you religio-nuts have to do is ask Jesus Christ to do it one more time.

The spitting,
the jeering crowd,
the sounds of the crowd taunting Him,
the crown of thorns pushed onto His head,
the blood running down His cheeks,
the carrying of the Cross,
the stumbling, due to it's massive weight,
the humiliation of the stripping of His clothes,
the unbelievable pain of being nailed to the Cross,
the undignified sounds His human body made when the nails pierced His hands,
the terrible weight of His body when they righted the cross,
the soldier's lance, piercing His side, causing His mortal wound,
the blood, running down His chest, for the second time...

...His final exhale as a human being,

...and His death.

It would alllllllll be worth it.
Wouldn't it?

That's not too much to ask of Jesus.
Is it?

After all, this is the Clinton Cock Hunt.
What could be more important than that?

Surely not the dignity of Jesus Christ.
After all, this way, you could finally get Bill Clinton.
And it'll cost Jesus Christ nothing more than a second crucifixion!!!

What a deal!!!

We know it would make Rush, Dr. Laura and Jerry Falwell very happy.

...and what would Jesus say?

I, ...unlike the religio-wackos, ...I won't claim to speak for Him,
but when it was all over, I wonder if He might say something like,

"Forgive them, Father.
 They don't realize the mistakes they're making."


If you've got a problem with something I've written,
I'll bet you don't have the balls to send me some E-Mail.

After all,
if you had any balls,
you'd stick up for your God,
and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Buchanan Aide Arrested in Dumptruck Attack on Gov. Blow Monkey!

Boy, those Buchanan Brigaders take their politics seriously, don't they?

"Gay Panic" Defense Rejected,  read the headline in the 11/2 USA Today

For a moment, I thought they were talking about the GOP.
I thought, for a moment, that the GOP might've given up their
century-long hatred of Americans that God chose to make gay.

Why, just last week, Jerry Falwell decided to hate gays a little less.
The longest journey must begin with that first step, right Jerry?

The GOP pretends they have dropped their hatred for blacks,
so why can't they just pretend to drop their hatred of gays?
It's easy to pretend.

You know why they can't drop their gay hatred?
Because hate is their glue.
If they stop hating gays, what issue will they use to raise money?

Everybody reading this, and that includes liberals and fascist dogs alike,
knows someday the race-baiting, homophobic bastards will relent,
so why not save the time, trouble and hate and relent now?

Maybe they could replace hating gay Americans with
hating white-supremist, gun-toting, bomb-making psychopaths, instead?

Sure, they'll lose votes in Idaho, Oklahoma, Mississippi and the Carolinas,
but think of the votes they'd pick up in the civilized states.

Heartless Hillary

How many times have you heard Rush and the Republicans say that Hillary
is a mean, vicious, conniving, cold-hearted, heartless bitch of a lesbian?
That's what they say.

Actually,they call her much uglier names than that, but after all,
bartcop.com  is a family publication with many children reading,
so we won't get into each and every ugly personal slur they've choked out.

I've never met Hillary, myself, but I'm hearing more ugly rumors.
Not the usual rumors from the right-wing republicans, no,
I'm hearing really ugly things about Hillary from the New York Democrats..

Some of the rumors I'm hearing are really terrible, such as this one...

You see this kitty?
This cute little kitty?
Isn't he the cutest little kitty you've ever seen?

This little guy's name is Rudy and he lives in New York City.
As you know, we don't like to print rumors here at  bartcop.com
but I'm getting this Hillary rumor from Democrats, and it's amazing!!
Here's the rumor I've heard from my Democratic connections in New York:

They say, in about 53 weeks, Hillary Clinton, our beloved First lady,

...brace yourselves,

They say our First lady is going to stomp this cute little kitty to pieces.

...are the rumors about Hillary true?

I was about to throw away an old Time Magazine when this caught my eye.

ha ha

Time Magazine, busting Pigboy's lying balls.

You know that Reagan hired a man to write his life story.
You know the Republicans aren't happy with the book he wrote.
You know why?

Because the book contained things the GOP wanted buried, such as...

Ronald Reagan was as useless as a dry well?
Gee, that's a surprise to me.
I always thought he was one of the sharper Republicans.

Oh, no.
As always, it gets worse the the Republicans.
I cut and pasted the quote, for accuracy.
Here's another quote:

Isn't that terrible?
Our precious savior Ronald Reagan wanted to become a dirty commie?
Turns out, he was rejected, you know why?

They didn't want a lying dumb-ass in the communist party!

This is from Reagan's official, hand-picked biographer,
and they want us to think it's not true?

Linda Tripp caused a stir at the Pentagon Halloween party.

All employees were told to come IN COSTUME.
Linda thought it would be enough if just just arrived carrying a pumpkin,
but her bosses said, "No, you MUST be in costume."
She begged and begged, but they wouldn't le her inside the party.

Dejected, she picked up her pumpkin and went home.

Governor Blow Monkey has just picked up another big endorsement.

Both Olsen twins have come out for Austin's Cocaineboy.

Mary-Kate said, "I like his foreign policy plans,"
and Ashley says, "George Dubya reads the same books we do."

Pizza Hut continues their assertion that they're not in politics.

Cut through the clutter?
How 'bout we cut through the bullshit, instead?

I know that right now, you're drunk, reading this at a Halloween party.

Why not have a contest to see who can think up the Top Five best
phone numbers to punch into Jay's personal pager?

What fun!

Better yet, if anyone has a tape recorder, you could punch in your own number,
and when he calls back, record it and send it to  bartcop.com as a .ram file.

Then we can all hear Jay lie about that not being Hillary in the commercial.

Jay's pager number is still 800-340-7785. .
Let's call Jay's pager a few times tonight.

Wait, ...this just in...

Jim Gray, this week's Prick of the Week,
just signed a deal to do commercials for Pizza Hut!

Don't forget - 800-340-7785

This is bad.

I'd like to pound on Governor Blow Monkey for not having
the balls to debate last night, but I can't.

You know why?

Pigboy beat me to it.
Pigboy spent Friday's first hour ridiculing Butch.

Is he trying to put  bartcop.com  out of business?

Butch said he couldn't go, "because I love my wife,"
which implies the other Republicans don't.
Mrs. Butch was getting some bullshit award,
and GB Monkey said his family was "more important"
than his run for the presidency.


Mrs. Butch's "Alumni award" is more important than America's future?

Next thing you know, Forbes will threaten to release
naked, lesbian pictures of Butch's daughters,
then GBM will drop out of the race.

Watching the GOP Debate...

McCain just said marihuana was medically addictive.
(When they spell it with an "H," that means they're getting their data from the thirties.)

Only ditto-monkey doctors agree with that bullshit.
REAL doctors, in real hospitals know that's not true.
Medical science can't stop giggling at that clumsy lie.

Why is McCain lying?

I know the answer, I'm just trying to cause trouble...
Every politician is a whore to some degree.
Every politician lies.
People can't stand the truth.
If politicians told the truth, they'd all be wrestlers.


McCain plays the race card!
McCain said race was, "America's biggest problem."
Then, to prove he was not racist, he turned his back on Alan Keyes!

Not to be out-raced, B'Orrin Hatch pushed McCain out if the way
and said, "I trust the black man behind me with my eyes closed."

That Gary Bauer woman just went waaaaaaaaaaaay out on  limb.
He said, "America needs to secure her borders."

Of course, he didn't mention how, or the cost, or what freedoms we'd lose
if the army was frisking every Cher at every border, but the sheep bought it.

That Gary Bauer woman, she's very brave...
Wasn't she looking a little pale?

ha ha

Alan Keyes just called for the abolition of the IRS.
Hey, Alan, what's the military going to run on?

The Honor system?

ha ha

B'Orrin Hatch just told the story about how he grew up in a chicken coop.
Make him stop!

Remember, in 1996, Bob Dole kept saying he was so poor,

Everybody: ...how ...poor ...was he?

Bob Dole was so poor, he had to shave the family dog to sell the fur!!!!!
Mongrel fur was selling for $60 bucks a pound in Russell, Kansas in the forties.

B'Orrin Hatch was so poor, he grew up in a goddamn chicken coop!

If we like our Republicans poorer than a ghetto nun,
how did the silver-spoon blow monkey get so far ahead?


Alan Keyes just said the income tax is Marxist/Leninist.

Does Alan Keyes even have a job?

Steve Forbes shook things up when he said George Butch stole his upper lip.

But, the night belonged to B'Orrin Hatch.
B'Orrin got stares of lust from most of the women,

including one older lady who kept screaming the, "F" word at him.

...although a few seemed bored.

And, ...as always when B'Orrin speaks, there was one suicide.

I just heard a horrendous call to Dr. Laura.

Some fellow called in and said he found out his daughters were making fun
of the way some Amish girls were dressed, so he sold their "designer" clothes
and bought them "Amish-type" clothes and forced them to wear floor-length
skirts and hide their necks etc. and then they became the victims of the taunting.

Of course, Taliban Laura was all for that idea.

What's wrong with you people?

That's how we got Rush Limba.
His parents caught him wearing a dress so his Daddy made him
wear the damn dress to school for a half-year and, well, you see the result.

When you screw up a kid's mind that way, they spend the rest of
their lives looking for revenge. If you're fast with a personal slur,
and your Daddy owns a radio station, you just might turn into the
most hated Nazi puta in America and get paid millions for it.

No doubt, Laura had her personal demons, too.

Don't get me wrong, I assume kids need discipline.
(Unless they're Catholic.)
But destroying their self-image with their peers doesn't help.

Experts say that's how child-molesters and wife-beaters are made.
A helpless child is molested, then when he's an adult,
he finally gets the chance to make some poor kid pay for his abuse.

Please, you wild, fascist dogs, I'm begging you.
Please don't destroy your children's mind with petty revenge.
When they grow up, they'll just torture their kids.

Help save some kids.

Stop the circle of senseless destruction,
and say, "No" to Laura and the Pigboy.

The new, "I Am a BartCop Warrior," T-shirts are in, and they look great.

For only $24.95, you can let your friends know you're a mindless schmuck
who would pay good money for a nylon/orlon piece of crap made by Chinese
prison/slave labor for under 60 cents each.

Only $24.95, or three for $100.

Order Now!

Privacy Policy
. .