You've maybe seen this before, but let's go thru it again.
Take notes this time, for the ditto-monkey's sake:
Subject: THE POTENTIAL FOR GREATNESS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
The state of Texas, under the leadership of Governor George W. Bush, is ranked:
50th. Spending for teachers salaries
49th spending on the environment
1st. % of poor working parents w/o insurance
47th. Delivery of social services
42nd. Child support collections
5th. % of population living in poverty
1st. % of children without insurance
48th. Per capita funding for public health
1st. Air and water pollution
41st. Per capita spending on public education
1st. Executions (avg. 1 every 2 weeks for Bush's 5 years)
Just think of what he could do to our country if he were president......
One for the Old Folkes
I saw Smirk on Larry King last night.
Something struck me, see if it strikes you, too.
Remember before Clinton, the President was George Herbert Traitor Butch.
On Saturday Night Live, he was played by Dana Carvey.
When Dana Carvey did Butch laughing, it wasn't a "ha ha," kind of laugh.
It was more of a can't-catch-my-breath, "A-HEH, a-HEH, a-HEH!"
Watching Smirk on Larry King?
It all came flooding back.
When Smirk laughs, he's doing Dana Carvey doing his dad.
"A-HEH, a-HEH, a-HEH!"
This may not make a big impression on you right now,
but the next time you hear Smirk laugh, you're going to say,
"He sounds just like Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live."
...thank me later,
Two Funnies from Helen
Thomas, the Strom Thurmund of the Press Corpse.
Joe Lockhart scoffs at the NRA's sudden
new support for background checks on gun buyers.
Lockhart said that five years ago, the NRA tried to block such checks from becoming law.
He quoted Republican Jim Brady saying that,
"If the NRA claim were true, the Brady Bill would have been called the Heston bill."
...and she closes this next bit with the best line of the week,
When President Eisenhower visited India
in the 1950s, he drew a crowd of one million.
(Is it hard to draw a crowd of a million in India?)
Security is expected to be very tight around Clinton in India. He will do a lot of sightseeing,
visiting the Taj Mahal, and the monument at the site where Mahatma Gandhi was cremated.
The monument is inscribed with Gandhi's last words after he was assassinated:
Something from Marc Perkel,
publisher of bartcop.com
Everything he writes makes sense.
Pigboy mentioned this article by Camille Paglia today
In her article, Camille says:
she hates Hillary the slut,
she hates Gore the liar,
she hates Clinton (too many reasons to list),
she wants to spend her whole life giving oral sex to Rush,
because, get this, "he's sooooooooooo honest!"
...but then claims she's a Democrat?
Go to their side if you're going to flate the Nazi whore.
We don't want you on our side.
Subject: Gun control nuts
I gotta applaud you, Rush, for your brave
stand on fighting gun control.
I got a hot little automatic pistol right here and if you got some butter,
we can have some real fun.
Remember: "Happiness is a warm gun..."
And I just knew you were one of us.
From Ollie North
G.W. Bush Wins The Nomination - and a Hornet's Nest
Yesterday's Southern Primaries put the TX
Gov over the top with more than
enough delegates to make him the GOP nominee for president. His word for it:
No sooner had he won however, than the Center
for Public Integrity announced
that they had tracked more than $2 million in donations to the Bush for President
Campaign to guests who had stayed overnight at the Texas Governor's Mansion.
The Clinton-Gore team that has brought you
the highest gas prices in years has
finally gotten the message that the American people don't like $2.00 per
gallon prices. The trouble is - no one knows what to do about it.
Suddenly, this IS the Clinton-Gore economy!
Koresh, I'd love to debate Ollie the Traitor.
Of course, I'd want to do it by phone or satellite, because I have a feeling
he'd want some of Ol' BartCop before the debate was over.
Then there's his much-smarter partner, Paul Begala
In another troubling sign for the GOP, Gore
beats Bush among women 50 - 44.
Bush's initial appeal as a candidate centered on his ability to attract women,
which is why he began as a "compassionate conservative." But when he was
under pressure from McCain, he showed his true colors, and won his party's
nomination as a ruthless right-winger.
Bush has two problems with women voters:
1) They're smart;
2) He's not.
Perhaps it's not fair to simply say W is
not smart. In fact, while he's not
the sharpest tool in the shed, he has a passable intellectual capacity. His
real problem is worse: he's intellectually lazy, uncurious. Talk to him about
anything besides baseball or his brand of school reform and his eyes look like
a slot machine that's hit Bar-Apple-Lemon.
Make him stop.
(Remember Paul's best line ever?
"When goofy ideas get to $40 a barrel,
I want the drilling rights to Dick Armey's head!"
As you know, I've been a big fan of Tom Tomorrow for a long time.
I didn't know he had a web page until Jesse Brown email@example.com told me.
It's at http://www.well.com/~tomorrow/
Check it out - spend some time there.
Forty-five minutes into his second hour, Rush said,
"I have a foul taste in my mouth today."
(Insert your own Clarence "Slappy" Thomas joke here)
Damn, damn, damn
Last time I talked to my good friend Joe Conason, (The Hunting of
I told him to keep me updated on any TV appearances and I'd mention it here.
He told me he was going to be on TV March 15th.
I sent him some e-mail Monday trying to confirm the date but he didn't answer.
Maybe he's traveling without a laptop, I don't know.
Anyway, I thought he said he was going to be on the Today Show.
So, I shlebbed out of bed at 7 AM to watch - no Joe.
Then later today, I found out he was on Burden of Proof with
Thanks to Leo Carr firstname.lastname@example.orgI have the transcript!!
Leo, you're the best!
Click Here to see Joe beat up one of Field Marshall Von Starr's goons.
If I get in trouble, and can't get either Clinton or Harold Ickes to
Get me Joe Conason!
Thanks again to Leo Carr, a pillar of bartcop.com
Read at Your Own Risk
Brain Smasher peers out of the sixth floor window of the Bartcop school
depository building and fires off some thoughts into the head of republican insectia.
The Po' Kenny Starr-Robert Ray coup-de-etat report is going to be filed
shortly on the the alledged improper gathering of FBI background files by the
White House. I thought GBush Sr is the one that did that to Clinton?
There is supposed to be three of these reports, the others deal with
and the firing of the White house travel office staff and and The Clinton's whitewater
dealings. Now Brain Smasher is no Solomon, but I thought these reports had already
been issued by PO' Kenny in August of 1998 CLEARING the President and first lady,
but Po' Kenny didn't release the reports until DECEMBER 1998 since, sniff, sniff,
he didn' wan to influence the ELECTION in November 1998.
That Po' Kenny always thinkin' of other folks feelin's.
All of a sudden there's Kenny's goonray wanting to release reports before
'lection. These reports if released better be glowing apologies by starr and
roberts about ever having messed with the Clintons and asking to have the
house manglers and themselves executed at the soonest possible moment.
Also I think we can start early speculation on when Gore becomes the
president, where and when the house manglers will start the next coup.
Get your vote in now!
Brain Smasher is leaving the Bartcop school book depository building
BIGGIE smalls hurry and scampering towards the grassy knoll of light to fire
off a cross shot of clear headedness towards the republican insect motorcade.
I listened to Limbaugh for about 60 seconds (all
I can take at one time)
and he was railing about Lapierre and the gun lobby and how Clinton never
prosecutes anyone under the current laws and how Lapierre was right about
Clinton wanting gun deaths etc. etc. ad nauseum.
All I can tell you is we're never going to have
meaningful gun control until
someone puts a pill into Lapierre, Moses, or some those other asshole on capitol hill.
I missed Leno-what surprises did the beautiful Angie Harmon get?
It was fun to watch.
Leno: Are you dating anyone?
Angie: I don't talk about my personal life.
Leno: Aw, c'mon, at least tell us his name...
Leno: There's some goofy guy backstage...
Angie: Please don't make me the bad guy, I just don't want to talk about it.
Leno: If I said his name, would he come out?
Angie: (Laughs, as if to say, "Yeah, right.")
Leno: His name is Jason Sehorn, he plays for the New York Giants.
Angie looks at the other guest, Elton John, as if to say,
"I can't believe he just did that..."
Leno: Let's bring him out, ...Jason?
Jason Sehorn walked out, sending Angie into shock.
He dropped to one knee, and pulled out about a 4-carat diamond
(the audience shrieked like there'd been a shooting) and proposed to her.
Her shock went up another notch.
Shaking like that afraid-to-debate coward at rushonline.com, she accepted.
Leno: Jason, isn't it proper to ask the young lady's father for permission?
Then her dad walked out on the stage and she let out a yelp.
Apparently, she's a very private person, but her fiancee and dad teamed up
to shock the hell out of her. Trust me, she didn't know this was coming.
Nobody can fake shock like she showed Monday night.
My writing didn't do it justice, but it was cool to see.
I don't get off on watching goofy surprise marriage proposals on TV, but seeing
the tough-as-nails "Let's-hang-them-all" New York assistant district attorney
go to pieces after getting the shock of her life was interesting.
I guess with Angie Harmon gone, I should find another TV star to lust
Maybe a redhead this time...
I know - Dina Meyer!
Molly Ivins' SMIRKISMS
Because I have nothing better to do. . .
I found the article you were looking for. Go to. . .
In fact if you find any more of her articles,
write down the day you see it.
You can reach them by typing in
I got several e-mails telling me what an inept dumbshit I was,
but you were the only one who helped.
New York Radio
WNEW has an Internet program called "The
Ron and Fez Show" at 5 in the morning.
I got in the car about 5:20 and turned it on. They were talking about the Betty Bowers
site you have mentioned. A woman named Jenny called the site in.
After they visited Betty's site for a minutes,
they went to Clublove.com
and talked about the nasty Dr Laura pictures that are posted there.
One of them said she could do a better job shaving with a spoon.
The nasty Harpy, shaving with a spoon?
Great Cybill Shepherd Quotes
Cybill has a tell-all biography out called Cybill Disobedience.
She says she's had sex with Elvis, Bruce Willis, Charles Grodin,
Don Johnson and others, I'm sure. (I haven't read the book.)
Years ago, she told a naughty story on Letterman.
Dave wanted to know about her "dates" with Elvis.
Cybill was trying to tell her story, but Dave kept interrupting
silly questions and comments, which was irritating for Ms. Shepherd.
While she was telling Dave about the lavish, Dallas/Dynasty-style
displays at Graceland, Dave asked, "Was Elvis was always eating everything?"
Cybill smiled a wicked smile and replied,
"The fact that he wouldn't eat everything is one big reason we broke up."
Smirk's Brother Jeb
Is Jeb Butch a man of faith?
Does Jeb have a personal relationship with Christ like Smirk does?
I'm not sure it's possible that he does, and here's why:
I don't know Jeb's entire story, but Smirk brought Jeb's religion
the public forum when he was fending off the anti-Catholic charges.
According to Smirk, Jeb was a religious man, but then he saw a
senorita into whose pants he wanted to get. She's a Catholic.
(Actually, she's a smuggling Catholic, but that's another story...)
Anyway, Jeb wanted in the young senorita's pants very badly,
but she said he could only have her if he denounced his faith.
I don't know the depths of Jeb's struggle, but he was faced with a choice.
He had the choice to stay loyal to his personal relationship with God
he could get into the young senorita's pants.
Guess who lost?
God always ends up with the short straw.
So Jeb agreed to dump his religion and he became a Catholic.
I would've loved to have heard his first meeting with the priests.
"I gotta believe what?"
As a non-believer, I have no idea what it's like to be faced with
dilemma of dumping my religion to get in some young girl's pants.
For me, the closest thing to religion is great rock music.
Great rock music moves, me, inspires me, even makes me cry sometimes.
So I put myself in Jeb's position:
What if I was a single man, and I met Shania Twain and we started dating.
Soon, Ol' BartCop makes his big move on Shania's belt buckle, and she says,
"No, not unless you switch to country music and marry me!
We can only be together if you denounce rock music and turn country."
Well, I'd be Boot-scootin' BartCop faster than you could
say "Dixie Chicks"
Sex with a beautiful woman could turn any man around.
But if I was a man who claimed to have a deep, personal relationship
only to dump Him to get in some girl's pants, how sincere could I be?
If God meant less to Jeb Bush than his sex drive,
how sincere could Jeb have been about his faith?
...and how sincere is Smirk about his?
I think the Bushes use religion to get votes from the stupid people.
Speaking of Religious Frauds...
Michael Jackson Update
Subject: Wrong on Michael Jackson
More info about the Warsaw thing:
"In 1997, Jackson had signed a letter of
intent with the city for a project to build
a family recreation park. Due to resistance from residents and some government
departments the original location by the Wisla river had to be ruled out by the city."
"The office of Warsaw's mayor, Pawel Piskorski,
issued the following
statement: 'Negotiations with a private investor have been frozen...'"
Oh well, you didn't swear to Koresh, and
you're still right about the media.
But you aren't qualified to call Michael Jackson an idiot child-molester.
Stick to your area of expertise, and save the word "idiot" for hatemongering whores.
You may be right on the child molester charge.
It was Republican of me to assume the people asking for millions from MJ
were all telling the truth. I don't know the facts about MJ's sex life.
If he was just a guy, and a dozen kids charged him, he'd be guilty.
But since he's super-rich, and America is going thru a whore crisis,
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
"Idiot" was probably a bad choice of words, too.
"Warped" would probably be more accurate.
Back when he was asked to be on TV shows, he would insist in writing
that he be referred to as, "The King of Pop," or he wouldn't do the show.
If I only answered e-mail that was addressed to, "King BartCop
- The Legend,"
I'd be one sick SOB, right?
Poor Michael - he grew up "funny."
By the way, if I sign a letter of intent to buy Manhattan, that
I'm serious about buying it. It just means I'm a very strange man for calling
the press to see if they'd publish my Manhattan letter.
Why would he go halfway around the world to Poland, of all places,
and attempt to build an amusement park, and then make the claim,
"I can't get through their wacky bureaucracy?"
Check O'Reilly - Vegas Bet update below.
Dr. Harpy's Unauthorized Biography is available on amazon.com
Here's one review:
Great read! I found the information in this
book to be fairly presented and without
the snide comments the subject is famous for. Very interesting that "the most famous
mother in America" was working after her child was born, verified by college pay registers
listed in the appendix. Also interesting that she
1) had affairs with a married men (Bill Balance, Lew Bishop);
2) cohabited prior to marriage with Lew Bishop;
3) was trying to get pregnant while not yet married to Bishop;
4) Bishop was a dead-beat dad who had to be taken to court by his ex-wife to support
his then 16-year old child.
Puhleese! Although I don't dislike Dr. Laura entirely,
I find her obnoxious when she tries
to sound like a prophet from the Old Testament. This book captures the real Dr. Laura.
GOP Split on Gun Issue
Pigboy says NRA head Wayne LaPierre is "doing God's work" by saying
Clinton wants more dead kids so he can beat up the Republicans.
LaPierre maye be doing God's work alright - splitting the GOP.
New York Governor Wacky Pataki is calling for all new guns to
prior to their sale so a copy of the bullet markings can be put on record
and used as evidence in the shooter's trial.
Naturally, the NRA opposes this, because it might catch more gun
Pataki, one of dozens of victims on Smirk's "short list," will join with Clinton to
reign in the rogue gun enthusiasts and help to further splinter the party of God.
Click Here to see what Rush said yesterday about LaPierre and guns
Click Here to see my mail to Bob, the gun loon.
Charlton Heston for President?
His acting is worse than Reagan's!
LONDON (Reuters) - PPL Therapeutics Plc, the British biopharmaceutical
company that helped to clone Dolly the sheep, has created the world's first cloned pigs.
The birth of the five cloned piglets -- Millie, Christa, Alexis, Carrel
and Dotcom -- on
March 5 could herald a new age in animal-to-human organ transplants, or xenotransplantation.
Their "Just the facts" news show on Fox premiers November 6th
Rush Limba think-alike John Rocker pitched his first spring training
game last night
in Kissimee, Florida. Rocker was greeted with a standing ovation by the fans.
John Rocker, the man who hates blacks, gays, foreigners, Jews,
and people whose last name ends in a vowel, had to brush back tears.
After the game Rocker said he may challenge Smirk for the GOP
"He's just the kind of hero the Republicans are looking for," said George Will.
The O'Reilly Whore
Dick Morris is a lot of things, but he's not stupid.
Tuesday on the O'Reilly Whore, he said,
"Bottom line, Smirk is fighting a better fighter.
Gore will chew him up if they fight inside.
If Smirk goes negative, if Smirk makes this election about the Buddhist monks
and campaign finance and Gore's guilty deeds, Gore will mount him from behind."
"If Bush tries to win inside, he'll lose and lose
He needs to stay above Gore to win this fight."
I don't want to agree with Dick Morris, but if he's right - he's
Smirk can't help but go negative.
That's all the GOP has - hate, negative, Rush, racism, gays, destroy, Laura, more hate, etc.
Smirk will run the same campaign that his daddy and Dole ran.
Smirk's vision of America's future is, "Clinton is a bad man."
Are you getting as tired of my predictions as I am?
Is there not anybody in the United States or the world that will call me on this?
Gore couldn't lose this election if he tried.
Isn't there some smartass, somewhere, that wants to make me eat that?
Gore has Smirk in a box.
The more Smirk fights back, the worse it is for him.
Every day, Pigboy whines about "the liberals care soooooooooo much,"
meanwhile, the GOP doesn't give a fuck, and they think they can win?
How about a weekend in Vegas for the winner?
If Gore wins, you buy me a weekend at the Bellagio in Vegas.
If Smirk wins,
I'll buy YOU a weekend for FOUR at the Bellagio.
I hear you talkin'
I hear you braggin'
We both know Smirk's going to be made to eat it,
but only one of us is willing to bet on it!
If Pigboy or Spread Legs had any cojones, they'd want
to bet, but noooooooooooo.
Neither one of them can afford a world-wide ass-kicking right now.
I got blisters on me fingers!
The Republicans are too sissy to bet on this race, because they know I'm right!!
Subject: Vegas Trip
When I was a young lad growing up on the
farm in North Dakota
my mother taught me not to tease the animals.
As she always told me it is not nice to
tease them as they do not understand
and will only get confused and frustrated.
So maybe you should not attempt to make
a bet with them about your
predictions for the following reasons:
1. Prediction is a multi sylable word.
2. Its not nice to tease the animals.
3. It is impossible for a ditto-monkey to
have less money than brains
(unless negative integers are allowed).
When Gore wins in 2K I will toast you for
When Big Al takes it all in '04 I will toast you again.
Then we will have Hillary in '08 and the
bottle shall be drained.
Hillary in '12 will be a 2 bottle night.
In '23 when President Clinton appoints a
supreme court justice to replace the
last facist from the ditto-monkey era, I will be retired richer than I have ever
thought possible and there will not be enough of the good stuff to go around.
PS - What is the first name of the president to name the replacement justice?
NYPD isn't the best show on TV, but they have their moments.
Tonight, the new guy - Baldwin?
He's maybe 6'6" and 275 pounds.
He was told to put some fear into some guilty street scum.
Baldwin told the guy to stop smackin' his girlfriend around,
and if he didn't?
Baldwin would 'splain what a broken bone felt like.
Skelboy bows up his back and says, "I want a lawyer."
Baldwin picks up the NEW YORK CITY phone book,
tears it in f-ing half,
and throws a half to skel-boy and says,
"You look in that half, I'll check my half."
...last time I saw a guy tear a phone book in half was a black-and-white
of The Adventures of Superman on the same network in 1960.
...this guy was no John McCain.
More Proof They Are Lying
They say Clinton deserves NO CREDIT for the longest economic boom
What did they say when he was steering America away from Reaganomics?
Speaker Newt Gingrich:
"The tax increase will kill jobs and lead to a recession,
and the recession will force people off of work and onto unemployment
and will actually increase the deficit."
[Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 8/6/93]
GOP Senate Budget Committee Chairman Pete Domenici:
"April Fool, America. This Clinton budget plan will not create jobs,
will not grow the economy, and will not reduce the deficit."
[Dallas Morning News, 4/2/93]
GOP House Budget Committee Chairman John Kasich:
"This plan will not work.
If it was to work, then I'd have to become a Democrat."
GOP Majority Leader (and economics professor) Dick Armey:
"This plan is not a recipe for new jobs, more opportunities for our young people;
or more secure retirement for our parents. It's a recipe for disaster."
[Congressional Record, 8/5/93]
The lying bastards are AFRAID to give Clinton credit.
This is PROOF they are lying about this being "Reagan's boom."
Molly had a great column over the weekend about Smirk.
I can't find it now, she has another one up instead, but the one I read listed more Smirk-isms.
My favorite was the one she mentioned when Smirk was talking trade
policies he said,
"America needs fewer barriffs and terriers."
I lose a lot of good stuff because I just
can't keep up.
I need a wealthy Democrat to bankroll a staff so I can put out a better product.
Since I had pnuemonia, I've been putting about eight hours a day into bartcop.com
(I have a really cool boss.)
Are you that wealthy Democrat?
Or how about a semi-wealthy middle-roader with strong First Amendment leanings?
You'd have to stay out of the editorial room, tho.
You can't buy me, but you could back me.
I'd sure like to see bartcop.com compete with
the big boys.
Conason Makes Safire Eat It
You'll really enjoy this article.
You go get 'em, Joe.
Make them all eat it!
Stupid Press Whores and Manipulation
Weeks ago, that idiot child-molester Michael Jackson announced
going to build a huge amusement park in, of all places, Warsaw, Poland.
Of course, whores like USA Today gave it a lot of attention, lots of hoopla.
In today's USA Today, they report that "talks broke down,"
so it looks like
Michael won't be building an amusement park in Poland, but he still wants
to do it so his people are still checking into other options.
This is horseshit!
Michael Jackson was never going to build a goddamn thing in Poland!
I resent the fact that this country is so whore-driven, that all
has to do is pick up his monkey phone and call the press and they'll print any
stupid story he tells them as tho it was a real news story.
The press in America would have to get a lot better before they
could be whores.
No wonder we have two years of Clinton's cock on the front pages.
No wonder Laura Spread Legs and Pigboy rule the radio waves.
The networks, the major newspapers, wall-to-wall whores, all of them
This country is sick.
Smirk on tonight.
Also, at 9 PM Eastern/Pacific A & E is doing the history of the Republican Party.
I Don't Believe It
Subject: the dragging death we never heard about
"KANSAS CITY, MO. -
Prosecutors said yesterday they will seek the death penalty for a man
accused in the death of a 6-year-old boy who was dragged along a highway
from his mother's stolen vehicle.
Jake Robel was dragged Feb. 22 for five miles at speeds of up to 80 mph.
The boy had been left in his mother's sport utility vehicle while
she ran into a store. Jake became tangled in the seat belt outside the vehicle
when his mother and a man who saw the car being stolen tried to get him out."
Davis is black, Robel is white....hate crime?
Hate Crime? No
You see, words mean things.
To quote from the article:
Jake became tangled in the seat belt outside the vehicle
I am puzzled by your intentions, perhaps you could explain.
Rush and other GOPs are trying desperately to locate a crime
that rivals the hate crime in Jasper, Texas, where three white assholes
chained a black man to their pickup, then hooped and hollered as his limbs
were torn from his body as "sport."
For some reason, Rush, you and others want to "balance" that crime
with a similar crime by a black person on a white person.
I don't understand your motivation.
Are you having trouble condemning the Jasper crime?
When that racist black guy in Pennsylvania shot up some white
I could hear the glee coming from some Republicans. (not you)
Can you explain why this is seen as a victory for the Republicans?
In the Kansas City case, a child died accidentally during a car-jacking.
The car thief should do time for murder - we all agree.
But that guy in KC didn't stop the car and chain that boy to the bumper
just because he was white.
Jasper was an intentional murder, Kansas City was an accident during
the commission of a felony, which makes it murder.
Why would you try to use Kansas City against the Democrats?
How did you, or the GOP "lose" anything from Jasper?
Why can't you just join the Democrats in condemning the Jasper murder
without looking for a reason to even up the score?
I don't mean for this to be an attack, I'm just so goddamn puzzled
your question, and by the Rush-types who get an erection when they see
that a black man has killed a white man.
Why is Jasper seen as a loss for you,
and why is Kansas City seen as a victory?
I'll print every word of your reply.
Subject: The Masquerade
It's not bad enough that bitch with almost enough education to be a PE teacher,
or maybe run a pet mausalium, blares out under the "Doctor" moniker,
now she has the gall to use a term like "biological mistake" and claim
it was in a "clinical context?"
It's time to sue that bitch for medical
fraud, then. She doesn't have the
qualifications to conduct a clinical conversation on reproductive biology!
Remember when Harpy asked,
"What if Monica had gotten pregnant?"
Even third graders know you can't get pregnant from blowing a guy at work.
She's as stupid as she is hateful.
As far as I can tell, in the entire first hour of today's hate show,
Dr. Harpy hasn't slurred gay Americans even once.
I am not kidding.
Massive, Sudden Weight Loss
Usually when one loses so much weight suddenly,
there are medical
reasons involved. Does Limbaugh have diabetes?
After carrying all of that weight around for so
long, it wouldn't be a shock if he did.
That would have caused him to quickly lose 200 pounds.
I've heard many rumors, everything from diabetes to getting some strand
of AIDS from those Puerto Rican boys he drags into his limo at night.
I'm putting my money on the hampsters.
He's had at least two hampsterectomies, and I'm betting one of those
little guys caused some intestinal problems that aren't getting any better.
Rush has missed more work in the last 6 months that at any time in his career,
and "funny" he didn't start having health problems untils after he lost that weight.
Maybe the hampster bit into his cyst.
Lying From Town to Town
Smirk and the media are making a big issue out of the "fact" that
Oklahoma's Governor Cock-Fight is on Smirk's "short list" for Vice President.
First off, how stupid to have two southern governors!
Neither of them knows Dole about foreign policy.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
Smirk has had lost weekends being drunk in Mexico many times...
Secondly, I'd like your help.
When Smirk comes to YOUR TOWN and tells the local yahoo
that he's on Smirk's "short list," let me know, OK?
We'll compile a long list of yahoos on Smirk's short list.
Being an incompetent liar, Smirk's going to promise a couple of dozen
yahoos that they're in the "final running" to lose with him in November.
Let's bust him on this.
Smirk in Knuckledrag
"Under a Smirk administration, a family of four
making $50,000 a year would have their federal taxes cut in half."
-- The Lying Smirk
Please, God, let this idiot win.
As a man of science and logic, I've never seen real magic before.
Smirk is going to cut our taxes, beef up the military, and he swears
he can do it without causing the deficits to grow.
I want to see it!
Please, God, make it so!
Answering the Question
Subject: Without Monica, what "crime" would they use to impeach?
To answer your question: "what if there had been
no Monica Lewinsky,
what would the GOP have based impeachment on?"
At a guess, I'd say they'd have tried him for
organizing the "murder"
of Vince Foster.
Problem: Field Marshall Von Starr ruled that a suicide.
The Republican Party would need to fabricate a different charge.
Did you see what happened on Leno?
She thought it was just going to be another talk show gig,
but boy, was she surprised out of her pants, or what?
Surprise #1 took her completely by surprise,
Surprise #2 sent her over the rainbow, but
Surprise #3 was the one that really got her crying.
What was Larry doing in Los Angeles?
She was shaking like she'd just won Miss America,
which she could do on a "puffy" day as far as I'm concerned.
It's fun to watch the replay on tape,
seeing that flash of realization shoot into her eyes.
...I'll bet she'll never forget March 13th
Suppose there was no Monica Lewinsky.
What would Po' Kenny's impeachment referral have looked like?
They were going to impeach Clinton either way,
so what would the "crime" have been with no Monica?
"If you want to lower the teenage pregnancy rate,
stop all sex education."
Limba The Hutt
June 29, 1996
Top Ten Reason We Should Hate Gay People
10.Because Rush said so..
9. Because the Bible said so..
8. Because Bob Jones says so..
7. Because Dr. Spread Legs says so..
6. Because the KKK says so..
5. Because if we were gay, we'd want to be hated, too.
4. Because the Republican party says so..
3. Because Falwell and Robertson say so..
2. No, the Catholics are innocent this time..
...and the Number One reason we should hate gays is...
1. Why listen to science and logic when you can give into your fears?
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