Vol 188 - Ba-Da Bing

April 10, 2000


 Bill Maher had a really killer Laura the Whore line the other day.
 Of course, since it was the seventh, the transcript isn't posted yet.

 In a few minutes, it'll be the 11th, and still I can't get a 7th transcript?
 Seems like ABC could hire just one more kid at minimum wage
 and get their transcripts up-to-date for millions of surfers.

 I won't even check for Sunday's This Whore with Sam & Cokie.
 It's only been 41 hours - they can't be expected to update a page
 in that short amount of time, can they?
 I mean, what are they, in the news business or something?

 And you know what the worst part is?
 I don't know the real name, I call them "wormholes,"
 where you can't get away from their goddamn site.

 Usually it's the porn sites, (not that I've ever been to one)
 by why is ABC pissing people off this way?
 You hit the "Back" button and the son-of-a-bitch thinks
 you're hitting the "Reload" button.

 Hey, ABC!
 You see this ne'er do well felon?

If he can keep a web-page updated, why can't ABC News, huh?
This is the guy I paid $90 ( I think) to teach me html,
so maybe ABC should hire this guy to straighten them out.
Jesus Christ, and you're in the news business?

...and shove that wormhole up your ass, ABC.

 Last month I had a mini-debate with republican Robert Ramey.

 We continue it HERE.

 AMPOL Magazine

 Have you gotten your copy yet?
 If your local book store doesn't carry AMPOL, tell them they should.

 Meanwhile, you can click on Smirk's picture above
 to order your copy  for only $6.50 (includes shipping)

 I think you'll like this magazine.
 They have BartCop listed as a "Contributing Ediotr."

 You can't beat that.

 And be sure to check AMPOL for great political writings
 by Mac MacArthur, Gonzo Dave, Tamara Baker and others.

 Great Smirk Quotes

 "It's going to be tough winning Hispanic votes in California
  just because I've got 'Republican' by my name."
  -- Page 5A, USA Today

  Why do many Latinos dislike the GOP?

  Maybe this is why...

 John Rocker Buys a Guitar
  Dittohead Former Rock Star Slurs Latinos

 The League of United Latin American Citizens is organizing a
 national boycott of former rock star Ted Nugent because of his profane
 remarks about Latinos during a Saturday concert in The Woodlands.

 "We'll hit him where it counts -- in the pocketbook," said Margaret Rodriguez,
 former national vice president of LULAC.
 "We're prepared to do boycotts in whatever cities he may appear."

 During his act preceding the rock group KISS, he blasted Latinos
 living in the United States who can't speak English, lacing his remarks
 with obscene suggestions for those who disagreed.

 LULAC said Nugent said something similar during a concert the
 night before in San Antonio.

 Wednesday, an unapologetic Nugent told a Houston Chronicle reporter,
 "If you're going to be an asset to America, it would only be logical to speak
 the language. How can you be a benefit to your family, neighborhood or
 country if you can't speak to your fellow citizens?
 C'mon, if you can't speak English, get out of America."

 Nugent said people have often tried to "tar and feather" him for speaking his mind.
 "I like to think of myself as Rosa Parks with a guitar and a middle finger,"
 said the over-the-hill gasbag, who has been performing since the 1970s.

 After the concert Saturday, pavilion officials said Nugent will not
 perform at The Woodlands venue again.

 "There is a way you can word this without being negative. We all believe in the
  First Amendment. We all disagree about a lot of things," a Woodlands official said.
 "But to blatantly come out and say it the way he did, it does upset some people."

 "It was a stupid move for him as a businessman," she said.

 Alicia Armendariz, president of LULAC Local 4565 in Houston, said,
 "When you come to Texas and say this about a  large population,
 it's not the smartest thing to do."

 During his set, Nugent, known as the "Motor City Madman," wore a
 Confederate-flag shirt and an American Indian headdress.

 FAIL SAFE question

 The East coast version was pretty much error-free.
 Can a west-coaster tell us about the version they saw?

 VCR Alert

 It's easier to recommend a show I've already seen.
 The West Wing this Wednesday is a great repeat about a homeless
 Vietnam vet who froze to death on a park bench near the White House
 (That's how it opens - I don't think I spoiled anything there.)
 For my money, it's the episode that put them on the map.

 I'll try to remember to remind you again Wednesday.
 If you have to buy a VCR to see this, do it.
 If you wonder why people like this show,
 this is the episode you can't miss.

 If you don't get choked up when the president's secretary
 tells the story about her sons, you're a conservative Republican.

 Second Hour, Pigboy's Show

 Caller: Hi, Rush! Mega-dittoes from a former Democrat.
             I used to vote with my heart and my head,
            but now I vote Republican.

 ha ha

 Ain't it the truth?

 Cuban Poor

 On McLaughlin this weekend, Eleanor Clift said the very poor
 in Cuba are better off than the very poor in America.
 Is this true?

 I've never thought about it, but she may be right.
 Is crack a big problem in Cuba?
 My guess is no.

 Do they have a lot of drive-by murders in Cuba?
 My guess is no.

 Do the poorest people live with rats?
 My guess is no.

 Do they have bars on the windows in Cuban homes?
 My guess is no.

 Communism has a lot of bad news, but some of the good news is,
 since they pool resources and divide them equally, their poorest
 might be better off than our poorest.

 Am I right?

  Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "I was a cigar before cigars were cool."
  -- Pigboy, Monday

 Maybe he meant "a cigar affectionado," who knows.

 Bill Clinton - Stand Up Comic

 Did you see Bill Clinton's speech at the Radio and TV Correspondent's dinner?
 I caught the replay on C-Span, and chopped up some parts for you.

 The first clip is the longest, but it's full of good stuff.
 They introduce Clinton, and he takes a well-deserved shot at the ABC whores.
 (There was a flap about Leonardo DiCaprio interviewing Clinton last week.
  For some reason, ABC caught shit for "sullying" journalism, as though those
  incredibly disgusting gutter-sluts had any integrity at all.)

 After he smacks ABC around for a little bit, he singled out Sam & Cokie
 for some much-deserved ridicule. Keep in mind when he tells this most-excellent
 joke, that ABC's Sam & Cokie have been losing viewers by the millions.
 Great shot, Mr President, great fucking shot.

 And at the end of clip one, he gets a nice elbow into the ribs of one of
 the biggest whores in all of TV Land - Diane Sawyer.

 Check Clip One

 The second clip is a quickie.
 Clinton talks about the census form that the Republicans produced.
 He gets in a couple of good shots on Smirky.
 Trust me, Smirk.
 You don't want no part of Bill Clinton.

 Check Clip Two

 The third clip takes a friendly poke at Al Gore.
 Al better have a sense of humor.

 Check Clip Three

 The fourth clip is my personal favorite.
 The best joke of the night, and it's on the McLaughlin Whores.
 (Remember, John is more stupid than Chippy the Chimp.)

 Check Clip Four

 The last clip is Darryl Hammond of Saturday Night Live.
 He was the entertainment for the evening.
 He did OK, except for a horrible story he told about why he
 thinks women would be good in combat. The story seemed to go
 forever and his whole point was that if a woman can speak calmly
 while a surgeon was cutting her usterus with a knife during childbirth,
 she could probably handle combat without much trouble.
 Not the nicest image for a dinner conversation.

 But he did have a great Clinton sex joke.
 The loud shreiking laughter is Clinton, himself.

 Check Clip Five


 9:10 CST Sunday
 The kid's baked chameleon saves the world - new ending?
 More on this later.


 Well, did you watch the big FAIL SAFE movie?
 (Spoiler - If you taped it to watch later, don't read this.)

 I enjoyed it, mostly.
 I thought the original had much better acting, which surprised me.
 Somehow, the new version didn't seem as dark as the '64 version,
 but one can't help but get caught up in this movie.

 Much of the dialog was verbatim, but there were some changes, too.
 Maybe the biggest change was the pilot had a son this time.
 In '64, he had a wife - and it makes a big difference.

 If you didn't see it, one of our bombers got a bad "GO!" message
 to drop nukes on Moscow. As the jet screams towards Russia,
 our Air Force tries to talk them back, and even tries to shoot them down
 because anything is better than a sneak-attack on Moscow.

 In '64 they had a giant hole in the plot.
 About 9:05 last night it suddenly hit me what was going to happen.
 (It never did, but it should have.)

 The giant plot hole was this:
 The pilot can't trust the voices calling him back because what if
 the Russians were imitating the President's voice?
 Granted, that's a consideration.

 In '64, just before he dropped the bombs, the White House
 put the pilot's wife on the phone to him, screaming,

 His co-pilot said, "We can't trust it, Sir!" but that's not right.
 Every married couple in the world has little secrets.
 The wife could've said,
 "Remember when your condom broke at Niagra Falls?
  Remember we had sex twice that night, and the room service boy
  caught us the second time?"

 No way the Russians would have those details.
 She should've been able to call him off.

 So, it's 2000, and Clooney has a chance to fix the plot hole.
 Just before he got in the jet for the disasterous mission, his son said
 he'd accidentally killed the chameleon by letting too much sun in
 the window and the lizard "baked" in his aquarium

 Last night, as Clooney is getting ready to drop the bombs,
 his son is screaming, "Dad, it's me! I'm at the White House!
 There is no war. Remember the baked chameleon, Dad? It's me!"

 I thought sure Clooney was going to take the chance and NOT drop
 the bombs, because why else would his son be at the White House?
 It should have worked.

 It's like the Prime Directive.
 They all take an oath and swear they'll never break it,
 but they always find a reason to break the Prime Directive.
 So, because Clooney didn't use his head, Moscow was destroyed,
 and New York was destroyed along with half the Northeast.
 Why would Clooney choose not to fix the hole?

 I'm sure he wanted to do an anti-nuke movie, which is fine, but getting
 close to millions of people dying almost makes as good a point.
 And if they were hell-bent on gonna-blow-something up,
 they could've shown the kid getting to the White House too late,
 or somehow explaining why that idea didn't work.

  Yep, a little bit of writing would've made it a better movie.

 ...and then there's what happened on The Sopranos.

 Mail Bag

 From:  janor88@flash.net

 Subject: October Surprise

 I am wondering why no one is talking about the Iranian claims that
 Casey-Bush-Regan met with them to prolong the hostage situation.
 Do they just dismiss it as lies?
 Or is this some more of that teflon crap that Regan is famous for?


 John, it's not time yet.
 I think they're waiting for convention week.

 Gore couldn't lose this election if he tried.

 More Mail

 From:  timhagee@i-plus.net

 Subject: I'm disgusted, yet can't look away!!

 Hey Bartcop,

 I must admit that while I think your politics is screwed up I enjoy your site.
 I have a sense of humor so I read it tongue in cheek.
 I am currently building my own site devoted to the "Father of the internet"
 as well as other fun loving Democraps. I will be watching how you
 do things and try to learn from you. Keep up the good work!!


April 8-9, 2000

 Hope I'm Wrong Quotes

  "If Elian were just a child, Fidel would not have bothered with him.
 Fidel knows he is divine, and wants to destroy him," said Enrique Ferrer,
 a Cuban exile and a regular in the crowds outside Elian's house.

 Like many of the people in the crowd who fall to their knees in prayer
 when the boy appears in his yard, Ferrer believes 6-year-old Elian
 fulfills a prophesy that a child will come from the sea to vanquish Castro.

 "Elian's life is not his own; its God's," Ferrer said. "He will either become
 the future leader of the Cuban exile community, the one whose salvation
 ensured the death of Castro, or he will be returned to the devil Herod
 Pharaoh in other words, Fidel Castro to be reprogrammed and
 ensure the survival of Cuban communism."

 I hope they don't kill him.

I'll Never Forget the Headache

Click Here  and while it's loading let me tell you a story.

I was going thru some audio tapes and found this gem.
This is a recording of a trick I played on three people.

Many years ago, before there was a  bartcop.com  or even RL-LNW,
I was on the Prodigy/Radio/Pigboy newsgroup shearing sheep.

Two particular ditto-monkeys were always being a pain
I would get the ol' BartCop snare wrapped around their testicles
but then they'd refuse to answer the question or change the subject
of ask me to repeat the question a dozen times.

I decided to get even.

Their names were Charles Ford and Joe Fitzpatrick.
(Right now, there's a small group of people reading this who just
 began giggling because they know what's coming.)

So I sent this question to Liddy, wondering if he'd fall for it.
The answer isn't as important as the question.

When Liddy read it, I started laughing and couldn't stop for two hours.
I got a tremendous headache from that laughing fit, and I hope I never laugh
that hard again, because I don't even get headaches.
This one was a monster.

 Tequila Mail


 Subject: Pigboy is Lying Antenna

 Hi BC,
 Thanks so much for also picking up on the comment Sir Oink made today
 about not being able to coach Elian to pose....he really pissed me off when
 he went on and on about JFK Jr. being coached to do the salute.
 What a fucking pig.
 Sorry for the F-word....he just pisses me off with his hypocrisy.

 By the way, when is Vegas?
 Gail Fernald

 It's OK about the f-word - I've used it myself.

 I think everyone thought the great Vegas Tequilafest 2000
 was some kind of BartCop comedy gag.

 I got two "We're going May 5th," replies and one "Let's do it,"
 and I got  56,482,459  non-replies.

 I'm not upset about it, just a little surprised.
 I realize everybody can't just jump up and go to Vegas, but you'd think
 some Phoenix and LA and Vegas people might've been interested.

 Oh, well...

 Maybe gambling in Sin City and drinking luxury tequila and eating the best
 Mexican food in America, is something only Mrs. BartCop and I enjoy.

 What could be more fun than a story about Smirk and gays?

 Click Here

 Heavy Mailbag

 From:  gusterman33@yahoo.com

 Subject: Heather Renee French

 I was looking over some of the past issues and ran upon your praise
 for our current Miss America, Heather Renee French, and you said
 something along the lines of you didn't know her politics, but you
 respected her for her issue, homeless veterans.

 Let me tell you about her politics.
 After receiving the crown last October, one of the first things Miss
 French did publicly was to switch her party affiliation from Republican
 to Democrat, so she could campaign with her current fiance,
 Kentucky Lt. Gov. Steve Henry (D).

 They are getting married this November (after she gives up the crown)
 and there is talk that if Henry doesn't run for Governor in 2003 that she will.
 Do you think we have a rising star here?

 Mike Bomar

 Anyone who wants to help homeless vets is a hero in my book.
 And anyone who makes fun of homeless vets, like that son-of-a-bitch
 with the declining radio show should have their ass kicked physically.

 I hope she and her husband are very successful,
 and I hope those other clots in Limba's neck break lose real soon.


 From:  ChuckGardner@worldnet.att.net

 Subject: humble introduction

 My goddamned computer locked up again.
 I wrote you this long e-mail about how I basically agree with you (except you're
 really wrong about  the guns thing) and I explained how we could end both
 tobacco use and gun ownership in this country, but it's lost now.

 What the hell!
 I'm sitting here with a glass of wine, a pipe of fuckin' stems and a brand
 new Darvocet Rx, and I thought it was about time I said thanks!
 I surfed into your site shortly after Clinton's re-election and have kept up since.

 I'm sort of a 60's type (hence the anti-gun stance) and i've been listening to
 Rush since he pupated, and I'm delighted to read someone who knows exactly
 what sort of scum he is.  The right wing on this country is on the decine.
 In fact, conservatism has been proven to be an invalid political system.
 As soon as those people get enough power to begin to act on their agenda,
 people begin to see the genuine evil that that agenda engenders.

 I'm going to cut this short so my computer won't crash again.
 Thanks again, I look forward to reading your stuff as much as I
 look forward to Crossfire, Keep it up!  So, that said, introduction made,
 I now feel entitled to criticise.  So long for now.



 The only reason I have guns is because THEY do.
 A knife does you no good at a gunfight.
 I have no kids, so that's no problem, but what will you do
 when three men kick in your front door?

 Call 911?
 Attack them with a baseball bat?

 If somebody's in my house and they need dying,
 I'm going to be a good host.

 I'd said many times, maybe not lately -
 Gun laws work in countries with fewer than 100,000,000 guns.

 Besides, because of my little humor page, I sometimes get loon-mail
 telling me I don't have long to live on this Earth.
 If you know of an effective, alternative method of self-defense, please advise.

 Thanks for reading,
 Koresh, since Clinton's last election?
 You've been around a long time.


 From:  nuke@dcwis.com

 Did you see Tax Calculator on the Bush for President Home Page?
 (Sounds like something Dr. Laura ought to worry about).
 Anyway, I ran my income and stats through that thing, and under
 the Cocaine Cowboy's Tax Plan, I would be saving $560 per year.


 Worse than that, if Smirk's plans are implemented, the deficit will rise,
 interest rates will rise, unemployment will rise and crime will go crazy
 when everyone loses their goddamn jobs.

 On top of all that, he's promising to "rebuild the military."
 Sounds like a return the Reagan Error that Clinton turned around.

 Clinton showed the proper way to run things.
 America knows better than to screw it up.

April 7, 2000

Best Lie of the Week

I've heard so many goddamn lies from Republicans this week,
it's hard to pick the one that's really over the top, but I have.

I first heard this on one of the Sunday morning shows, and Pigboy
repeated it a few times, or maybe Pigboy said it first and the others
mimicked him like ditto-parrots drunk on dark rum.

First the truth:
Right-wingers with deep pockets are helping Rudy against Hillary.

Then the GOP lie: This can easily be proven false because Rudy
 is not a right-winger. He's actually a gun-grabbing, baby-killer!

Now the truth:  They see this rebuttal as iron-clad proof.
They're saying since Rudy is not a right-winger, the right-wingers are
content to sit idly by while Hillary the anti-Christess rams her agenda
of big government, Satan-style stalinism and forced homosexuality
down the throats of our impressionable schoolkids?

That's what they want us to believe, but we know that's GOP horseshit.
The idea that they would allow Hillary to be a Senator is laughable.

The right-wing would disconnect Reagan's ventilator if they thought
taking that action would somehow get them a half-inch closer to
sticking a shiv into Hillary or the President of the United States.

That's how badly they want them.

 Ask BartCop

 From: JennyQ1@aol.com

 Subject: Ignorance

 On Al Gore's supposed "flip flopping" in the Elian issue.

 On Jan 17, Gore's FIRST comments about Elian were that the issue
 should be decided in the family courts. At the time, a decision was
 pending as to whether the Florida family courts would hear the case.
 Ergo, there was no reason for Gore to call for residency for Elian to
 gain him the status to have his case heard in family court.

 More recently, Gore called for residency to give Elian said status,
 because it was the only option left to put the issue in US family courts.
 The Dittotangs, FOX whores, and other assorted maroons, have called
 this a "flip flop" since Gore did not originally ask for residency.

 But, you see, there was no need to ask for residency before - since
 there were other options under consideration that would move the
 case to family court.

 BartCop, why are Dittotangs and FOX whores and the people who listen
 to them so ignorant as well as unable to think logically?
 Do you think it's time to reconsider whether such irresponsible and
 childlike mentalities should even be allowed to vote?


 Dear JQ,



More 24/7 Elian

Rush just said "they" are trying to figure out the best photo-op for Elian
and his dad, but they had to find a way around this problem:

Elian, being only six years old, can't rehearse for the big moment.

When JFK Jr died, Rush said when he was TWO years old,
he was coached, rehearsed and cajoled into that "fake" salute.

In Pigboy's world, two-year olds can take direction,
but a six-year old can't be expected to handle it?

How many times per minute does Rush get caught lying?

ha ha

The son-of-a-bitch is lying faster than I can type!
Just now, Pigboy said

"Steve Largent is a family-values Christian,
 that's why he wants Elian back with his dad."

That's an admission that the rest of the GOP charlatans
are NOT family-values Christians, right?

Thanks for admitting that, Your Oinkness.

 Legal News

 Newt Gingrich has successfully traded in his 54-year old wife Marrianne
 on a newer model with fewer miles.

 Callista Bisek, the 33-year old congressional aide to the then-Speaker
 is expected to be the third Gingrich victim.

 Even though he took a vow of "till death do we part," before Almighty God,
 Gingrich laughed and then urinated on that sacred vow.

 Since the messy betrayal and divorce did not involve Clinton's cock,
 there was very, very little coverage of this vow urination.

 To the great delight of  bartcop.com  word is Newt might be coming back.
 And if you listen very hard,
 you can hear the champagne corks popping over at bootnewt.com

 Lying, Snake-in-the-Grass Quotes

 "I am NOT a shill for the Republican Party."
    --  Liegen nazi prostituierteer

 Fools for Elian
  By Richard Cohen

 Certain people believe Elian Gonzalez was sent to America for a purpose.
 They believe that in the sea, he was ringed by dolphins who protected him from
 ravenous fish. They say that in his room an image of the Virgin Mary has appeared.
 I, too, think Elian was saved for a purpose, although it is not a religious one.
 It is to make fools of politicians.

 First on the list is Al Gore and his desire to be on all sides of the issue.
 (I wish when people make this accusation, they would cite the Gore quotes
  that show him to be on "all sides."  Perhaps they are too busy?
  I'm not saying he's 100 percent innocent, but I'd like to see the quotes.)

 Next on the list is Governor Smirk.
 He wants the matter settled in state court by a judge who is
 likely to be pressured by Florida's Cuban American community.

 Up next is the mayor of Miami-Dade County, Alex Penelas.
 He has assimilated the traditions of George Wallace, Orval Faubus and
 countless semi-literate sheriffs, vowing to defy the feds.

 Next are those conservatives, bitter critics of Hillary for writing two law review
 articles in the 1970s extolling children's rights. For saying there were extreme
 circumstances in which the child's welfare or the greater social good outweighed
 parental authority, Hillary was roundly condemned. Buchanan lambasted her
 from the podium of the 1992 GOP National Convention.

 But what are these people saying now? They are waxing Clintonesque,
 arguing that Elian has certain inalienable rights that outweigh those of his father.
 They are saying what Hillary once said, oblivious to how foolish they look.

 Castro is on our list. For no reason, he warned that Elian might
 be killed by his Miami relatives rather than be allowed to return home.
 (Let's hope Castro is wrong. I'm concerned about those people.
  They have attached religion to this kid, and religion causes insanity.)

 And Elian's Miami relatives. They have turned the boy into a religious icon.

 This leaves just Elian and Juan Gonzalez, the father.
 Elian, the innocent child, and Juan, whose boy was taken from him.
 Elian has behaved like a typical 6-year-old, Juan Miguel like a typical father.
 And most of the politicians like typical fools.

 You notice who's name is not on that list?
 The best politician of our lifetime knew to avoid this trap.
 This trap was fur-free, so Bill Clinton was able to navigate around it.


 I wasn't kidding about Castro's prediction.
 Will the crazed Cubans allow the Devil to steal the Holy Child?

 Or would he be better off with his Mother?


 USA Today says Turner Classic Movies was going to show the
 original FAIL SAFE a week or two ago, but, at Clooney's request,
 delayed the broadcast of the 1964 version until Monday,
 so as not to spoil the surprise ending for millions of TV viewers.

 Also, they're doing this as the 1964 version, with 1964 haircuts
 and 1964 technology.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad,
 but it's going to be one hell of a two-hour ride either way.

 They had a nice write-up on The Sopranos, too, noting after the
 evil-sister Janice murdered Tony's arch-rival Richie Aprile and was
 put on a bus out of town, Tony delivered one of the show's drollest lines,
 "All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good visit."

 ha ha

 One other Sopranos note:
 This is the funniest show on television, and it's not a comedy.

 Sunday, Sunday, don't be late.
 I really, really hate to wait.

 Did you see Frasier last night?
 I wish I'd known it was coming, I'd have mentioned it:
 Frasier's producer(s) is/are gay.
 They work for Paramount.
 They feel the same way about nasty Laura as most Americans do.

 Last night, Frasier, noted radio psychiatrist, (which Laura isn't)
 had a chance to cross over and do a television show.
 The allusion was obvious, but the best line of the night was Niles's:

 "So, you've completed the transition from radio psychiatrist to dancing bear."

 ha ha

 Eat it, Laura.

 From:  bluelens@hotmail.com

 Subject: President Comments on Dubya

 Did you see the remarks that the president made at a radio and television
 pres convention last night... comment on G.Dubya Smusch...

 "George W. Bush said that he will leave the census form blank...hmmmm...
  a blank census form, and an adult literacy program.
  ....sounds like a cry for help to me"


 ha ha

 It's like Smirk is a boxer, and this is his first fight as a heavyweight.
 No, it's not like that, it's exactly that.

 The GOP is making it real clear they will be happy
 when they don't have to fight the champ anymore.

 Legal Question

 Is it a crime to send a bogus credit card contribution to a ditto-monkey?
 I hope not, because last night I "donated" $1,000 to Smirk.
 His thank you note, with my corrections:

 From: bushhq@georgewbush.com
 To: bartcop@bartcop.com

 Subject: Thank you for your contribution

 Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000

 Thank you for your generous contribution to my campaign for President
 of the United States. I am honored.

 Laura and I are traveling the country to meet with people, listen to their
 concerns, and share what is on my heart.

  Traveling - listen - share?
  Your verb tenses are in a cage-match, Smirk.
  Should be traveling, listening, sharing.
  Who helped you write this?)

 We are off to a terrific start.

  You mean that $70,000,000 you spent to get to the goddamn starting line?
  Is that what you call a "terrific start?"
  I think you told a lie there, Smirk.

 People are hungry for a different kind of campaign,
 one that is hopeful and decent and optimistic.

 Yeah, and aint it a bitch they got yours, instead.
 Tell us again how McCain betrayed the veterans.
 Tell us again how McCain is pro-breast cancer.
 Tell us again how McCain is the big polluter in this race.

 I know the only way to win the Republican nomination and then the
 White House is to earn it by gaining the trust of the American people.
 That is what I intend to do.
 I take nothing for granted.

  ha ha, think they'll buy that?

 I want you to know that if I am fortunate to win,

 That should be "fortunate ENOUGH to win," Smirk.
 Who helped you write this, David Duke?

 I will swear not only to

 Swear not only to...?
 Smirk, you split that infinitive wider than Laura the She-Devil's knees.
 Let me guess: You want to be the education president, right?

 uphold the Constitution and the laws of the land,

 would that include the drug laws?
 and the drunk-driving laws?
 and the Texas bribery laws?
 and giving false testimony under oath?
 and the campaign disclosure laws?

 but also the dignity and honor of the office of President.


 I am grateful for your support.
 Thanks again for your contribution.

 George W. Bush

 From:  jtuvell@kiva.net

 Subject: Whites only?

 What the fuck is with this shit??
 I saw a new link on your homepage, but when I clicked on it,
 it sent me to some site full of the kind of bullshit I try to avoid,
 because it tends to raise my already high blood pressure.

 I quit smoking dope years ago, so I really couldn't get much of a laugh
 out of the shit I saw there. Maybe I just don't understand you too well...
 (or maybe I'm just too serious!)

 Thanks, but no thanks
 Jim Tuvell

 From:  sabutai@ix.netcom.com

 The Most "Corrupt" Administration
  Lay That Lie to Rest
 By Lars Erik Nelson

 For two years, Labor Secretary Alexis Herman suffered through
 an independent counsel's investigation into corruption charges so
 convoluted that they defy description.

 Fortunately, we need not describe them.
 They were false.

 This week, after spending nearly $4 million, independent counsel
 Ralph Lancaster cleared Herman, and she can now get on with her life.

 She is the sixth member of this administration, including the President himself,
 to have been put through an independent counsel investigation.

 The results:

 Clinton was impeached but not convicted.

 Agriculture Secretary Mike Espy was indicted but acquitted.

 Housing Secretary Henry Cisneros pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor.

 Commerce Secretary Ron Brown's case was closed when he was
 killed in a plane crash.

 Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt was cleared.

 Republicans keep calling this the most corrupt administration in history.
 The only thing missing is convictions.

 Despite the most aggressive and prolonged investigations, no presidential or
 cabinet-level crimes have been found in Whitewater, the White House's
 possession of FBI files, the Vince Foster suicide, the firing of White House
 Travel Office employees or even fund-raising abuses.

 What we have, after six years and $95.3 million worth of independent
 counsel investigations, is the discovery of two lies related to sex.
 (Ediotr's note: Who's money was that?)

 Clinton lied about Monica Lewinsky.
 Cisneros concealed a relationship with a mistress.

 Attorney General Janet Reno has subjected six of her cabinet
 colleagues to these pointless inquisitions -- yet she is constantly
 accused of covering up for the administration.

 Now to her rescue comes the unlikeliest of saviors:

 Charles La Bella, a hard-nosed career prosecutor who recommended
 that an independent counsel be appointed to investigate Vice President
 Gore's fund-raising activities.

 Reno refused, bringing renewed charges of a coverup.

 But in an appearance on NBC's "Meet the Press," La Bella defended
 Reno against the accusation that her decision was a politically motivated
 attempt to protect the administration.

 "It wasn't politics," he said. "It was never politics. ... I really don't believe
  that the attorney general in any way, shape or form was protecting anybody,
  or anybody else at the Justice Department was politically protecting anybody."

 Tales From the Dust Bowl

 From:  dave@landru.dac.uga.edu

 Subject: K-Drag newspaper article

 Dude, you live in one creepy as hell state.
 And I thought Georgia was overly religious.

 Dave Gavisk

 Click Here


 Oklahoma earns the name Knuckledrag, trust me.
 They earn it every day.


 From: kgoodman@primemanufacturing.com

 Subject: Carolina Trivia

 While listening to a story on the Carolina flag flap, it struck me that
 Carolina is the only state where I've seen a roadside sign promoting the KKK.
 This was in a quaint little town called Greer. Now I grew up in Alabama and
 have travelled a bit in other southern states, including Mississippi,
 but I've never seen another such sign before or since.

 -- Ken in 'Bama

 I guarantee whoever the Republican nominee is
 will carry the good-old state of Carolina in November.

 Stomp Rudy Update

 From:  HARTMANM@state.mi.us

 Subject: Pig Boy

 Remember when Rudy was a fair piece ahead in the polls, a couple months ago or
 so? Remember when the lying bastard was trying to concoct excuses Hillary
 would use when she "bowed out of the race" because of her trouncing in the
 polls, even though she wasn't officially announced? He was salivating.

 I wonder what he'll come up with when Rudy bows out. You think he'll say
 "Hey, Rudy never WAS running, so he COULDN'T lose any campaign to Hillary
 Clinton!", just as he postulated Hillary would do (after never really running
 for Senate, which he is still trying to prove she isn't).


 All true, yet the lying bastard retains credibility with the DMA.


 Celebrity Mail

 From: American Politics Journal ampolny@mindspring.com

 Subject: Re: Cuba - papal bull

 > Poor Rudy!
 > From the way he's handling things, I'm guessing he's Catholic.
 > Can anybody confirm?

 Giuliani is more Catholic than Larry Klayman is litigious!!!

 Dave G.

 Damn, that's Catholic!

 Look, it's Dave Gonzo from AMPOL!
 I knew Giuliani was Catholic.
 It's getting to where I can tell!

Thanks to Leo Carr

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