Vol 189 - Have Your Ass Home by 11:00 
April 12, 2000

 FAIL SAFE Fallout

 From:  zepp@snowcrest.net

 Subject: A hole in Fail Safe you could throw a nuke through.

 When I was watching it, I had the same thought--why not find
 a way to plug that hole? As you say, family members have secrets
 that the Russians, even those preternaturally gifted evil bad guys
 of the early 60s couldn't possibly know.

 Clooney had half the answer by substituting the ten year old kid for the
 mother. The other half would have consisted of some Army type hissing
 at the kid, "Quick--say something that will PROVE to your dad that it's
 you and nobody else!" -- and the kid locks up.
 Can't think of anything.
 Eyes go wide, and he does the cornered rat routine.
 Finally, the light bulb goes off, and the kid says, "Dad! Remember the
 time we went fishing and that live perch went down your pants?"
 Unfortunately,  Cloony, scowling at the silence at a demand for proof,
 unplugs just as the kid hits "...remember..."

 That would work, logically, and dramatically.
 Given the size of TV budgets, you would think they would blow
 an extra $1500 and hire a competent writer...
 Yo, Smirk! Where's Canada?

 Not dead, in jail or a slave?
 Thank a liberal.

 Zepp, yours was better than mine.
 I forget if it was me or somebody else who said,
 A better ending would've been if Clooney realized too late that it
 was really his kid.  Let's say he hears the kid, but is distracted
 by releasing the bomb. Just as he pulls his finger off the trigger,
 he finally understands what the kid was saying,
 realizes what he's done and we see that horrible look of anguish
 on his face as it turns white from the heat.

 But nooooooooooooooooooo.

 Still, it was good, and it was exciting, but I recommend if
 somebody really liked the Clooney version, get the '64 version.

 Richard Dreyfus was OK, but he's no Hank Fonda.

 Tipper Gore a Fascist?

 From:  guyvf@usa.net

 Subject: say it aint so -


 About 1/4 of the way down is the heading "PMRC: the foulest 4 letter word"
 It mentions that this organisation was headed by tipper gore?

 say it aint so - the gore's aren't facists, are they?

 I don't know...
 If Blackie Lawless says she is, she must be, right?

 ha ha

 I forget, isn't he in Quiet Riot?
 The fastest way for Quiet Riot to sell a lot of CDs would be
 for them to scream, "We're oppressed by The Man."

 Fifteen years ago, Tipper and Frank Zappa had a big fight.
 Ordinarily, I'd go with Frank Zappa in any fight, but I can't
 help but thinking they were fighting about different things.

 I think the real problem was Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Target.
 They were going to refuse to sell any album with "bad language."
 The universal trouble with that is, "What's bad language?"

 I think Shania Twain has some song about,
 "Who's bed have your boots been under?"
 Should the children be shielded from that "immoral" song?
 All country songs involve cheating or drinking or dog-sex,
 but Wal-Mart would never censor a country song.

 There's no reason not to give a potential purchaser an idea
 what's in the CD he/she is about to buy.

 Ice Cube or Dr Dre or Doggy-Style or somebody has a song
 from a decade ago called "Fuck the Police."
 Should 10-year olds hear that song?
 I don't think so.

 The problem isn't Tipper or Zappa.
 The problem is religious whores.

 Wal-Mart will sell you a shotgun,
 but they refuse to sell you a "dangerous" CD.

 If there's a reason to keep lyrics hidden until after the purchase,
 I can't think of what it is. Personally, I have no kids and I don't
 want to be censored from anything, but...

 If I go see a movie, and it's got chainsaws and slashing murders,
 it better have some fine naked babes or I don't want to see it.
 In that regard, I'd appreciate a "warning," even at my age.

 This was pretty much a non-issue back then.
 I'm surprised that page exists.

 If there's an argument against disclosure, please tell me.

 Ignorant Idiot Rush Limbaugh
 Ignorant Idiots on the Right
 Ignorant Idiots at USA Today

 Open your USA Today newspaper to 3A.

  - MIAMI???"

 Once again, this is all Pigboy's fault.

 Almost every day, he blames Janet Reno for Ruby Ridge.
 Every hour, he tells those idiots in Miami to take a hard line
 against Reno, hoping, fucking begging for another Waco
 so Pigboy can say, "I told you so."

 The idiots in Miami are too goddamn ignorant to have an opinion.
 Ruby Ridge happened in August of 1992.

 Clinton didn't become president until 1993.
 Reno was picked after Clinton took office.

 I know Pigboy, USA Today and the Republicans are ignorant whores,
 but can't they read a clock or a calendar?

 USA Today says, "Reno has been criticized for violent clashes in Ruby Ridge
 Idaho and Waco, Texas," without pointing out the error.

 ANYTHING to throw more gas on this fire.

 Fox News is doing the same thing as Pigboy.
 Sending signals to those religiously-insane Cuban-Americans
 that defying the Attorney General is the correct thing to do.

 Fox and Pigboy are pouring gas on this Oxbow Incident.
 Neither Fox nor Pigboy gives a shit about Elian.
 They want ratings!

 They won't be happy until hundreds are dead or wounded.
 They they will orgasm because they can falsely blame Clinton,
 who has stayed out of this from the beginning.

 Are there any responsible news outlets left?

 The deadly question remains:

 Is Elian better off with his father or his mother?
 Koresh, I hope I'm wrong about this one.

 His Favorite Team?

 Pigboy just said (3rd hour) Pittsburgh was his favorite football team.

 The Pittsburgh Tampons?
 His favorite team?

 How could the Pittsburgh Tampons be his favorite?

 What a mean-spirited bastard he is, treating his friends that way.
 Can you imagine what it's like, (I can't) playing for one of the
 greatest football franchises in history and to have the nasty Pigboy
 announce on his big radio show that your team is so fucking bad
 you're considering a name change to the Pittsburgh Tampons?

 Click Here

 For no reason...

 I've only seen him in a couple of movies,
 but isn't Billy Bob Thornton a great actor?
 I should've mentioned him yesterday.
 Also, Ed Harris, Gene Hackman, Yaphet Kotto and Gary Senise.

 Those men can act, and
 Tom Cruise is really handsome.

 Please, somebody give me a national radio show!

 Rush is screaming at Clinton/Reno for "destroying America's wealth."
 Rush is right again, because God is his talent loan officer.

 If you have Internet access, go to Yahoo and hit "stock market."
 Then hit "Nasdaq," them hit the "1 yr" chart.

 A year ago, the Nasdaq was at 2697.
 Today, after the "destruction" Pigboy whaled about, it's at 3794.

 That means the Nasdaq, after the "destruction," is up 37 percent.

 Tell us, Pigboy, how did stocks do under your hero Reagan?

 I seem to remember "Black Tuesday" happened on Reagan's watch.
 Yeah, 6 and 1/2 years of Reaganomics brought us the BIG CRASH,
 yet Clinton's 37 percent increase in one year is bad news?

 As you may be able to deduce, I don't know Smirk about the stock market,
 but I'm a goddamn good judge of the difference between up and down.

 Pigboy is lying again.

 Repeat after me.

 Pigboy is lying again.

 Now, just the left side.

 Pigboy is lying again.

 Now, just the kids.

 Pigboy is lying again.

 Now, just the women.

 Pigboy is lying again.

 Now, just the saved people.

 ... (crickets)

 Now, just the saved people

 ... (more crickets)

 C'mon, you know he's lying.

 Look at the facts!
 Look at the damn charts!
 Clinton = success.
 Reagan = failure, debt, heartache and war.

 Admit it, Pigboy is lying.

 ... (just crickets)

 I need a drink...

 American Psycho

 I see where Huey Lewis doesn't want one of his songs,
 "Hip to Be Square" used in the upcoming movie, "American Psycho."
 (For you younger kids, Huey Lewis had a singing group in the 80's)

 I'm not 100 percent sure about this, but I'm pretty sure this movie
 is coming out with an "X" rating, so the kids can't see it.

 Is it because of the chainsaw scene?
 No, it's because of the lesbian scene.

 It's OK to expose our children to the chainsaw dismemberment of a
 live human being, but Koresh knows the trauma they'd have to work
 through if they witnessed two women making love.

 The Republicans are right.
 Hollywood values are screwed up!

 ...and let's hear it for Huey's Machiavellian career move.
 Instead of millions of people hearing his music, Huey settled
 for an inch in today's USA Today - good move, Huey.

 Besides that, do we really want advice
 on how to be hip
 from a guy named Huey?

 Mail Bag

 Let's make sure we have a clear understanding of how the Clinton Justice
 Department works. The leaders of OPEC get together and conspire to
 restrict oil production so the price of gas explodes upward, and the Justice
 Department decides to sue Microsoft for giving its browser away for free?

 No wonder Bill Gates is mad. The only absolute is that the Clinton Justice
 Department is an obvious oxymoron.


 You should ask the Wizard for a brain.

 A. Outside of invading, there are limits to what Clinton can do.
      Should we invade every country that produces a product
      that we think should sell for less?
      Isn't that what Reagan did when Nutmeg got outrageously high?

 B. Capitalism says OPEC can sell their oil for whatever it will bring.
      If Japan decides "Phantom Menace" should sell for $3,
      should we expect them to invade or boycott?
      If you don't believe in free markets, maybe you'd prefer life in Cuba.

 C. If Microsoft gives it's browser away for free, how did Bill Gates
      become the richest man on the planet?
      He got rich by preventing others from competing.
      Gates is "mad," because he only has $130,000,000,000.
      He wants more, goddammit, and he doesn't want to wait.

 D. If you have an irrational hatred for Clinton, you must idolize Smirk.
      When they asked Smirk how he'd keep oil cheap, he said he'd
       tell the domestic oil producers to "You know, keep producing."

 E.  How long have you known the meaning of "oxymoron?"
       Thanks to the Clinton Justice Department, crime is down everywhere
       except New York City where police shootings are up.

 F.   It's a Reagan-appointed judge that's breaking up Microsoft.
       Go yell at him.

 G.   Are you Catholic, by any chance?

  I Hate Being Lied To

  Hitler's troops buried at Bitburg were
 "victims just as surely as the victims in the concentration camps."

  You know who said that?

  Click Here  for a nice surprise.

  By now, you know who said that.

  The part that pisses me off is I recently saw a quote.
  Someone on Reagan's staff was trying to explain away Reagan's
  tribute to Hitler's elite fighting troops by saying,
 "It was a cloudy day when we went to Bitburg, so we didn't see
  the signs saying there were SS soldiers buried there."

 If that's true, why is Reagan doing what he's doing in this photo?


 Now I understand why Smirk was shocked about Bob Jones.
 Why should Smirk catch shit for cozying up to Catholic-haters
 if Reagan can salute Nazi scum in his official capacity as President?

 Rantpage - you have a nice web site there.
 I look forward to steering people there.
 I'll add your link to my Links Page.

 Saw it on the Village Voice page

 From:  Ross at  patch@bytehead.com

 I loved hearing from my sources that, in her first TV-show taping
 last week, Dr. Laura Schlessinger—who has the IQ of a cow skull
 —asked the audience if they'd go to a shower for an illegitimate baby
 and got all worked up when most of them said yes!

 That's one for the bastard, zero for the bitch.

 Iceberg Hugging Liberals

 From: (withheld)

You liberals really burn me up!

 How can you hold REAL Americans responsible for the Titanic disaster when
 it's you lefties who are always whining about "Global Warming"

 When Bush his hand on the thermostat you'll probably complain
 when the icebergs start disappearing.
 You'll cry and say that icebergs are an "endangered species".
 When Bush is Commander in Chief the North Atlantic
 shipping lanes will once again be safe for high speed ocean liners.

 Smirk Schedule Question  (see below)

 Q. Why is it that the state that's led the planet in executions
       still needs to keep building new prisons?

 A. Just think how many more there'd be if the death penalty
      weren't such a great deterrent!

 Ask BartCop

 From:  stubby_rodriguez@yahoo.com

 Subject: The Titanic

 Some quick facts:
 The middle class males were most willing to make a sacrifice.
 Second, the female crew members lost the moral high
 ground in their fight for equal pay.
 Third, the rich don't take their children on vacation.
 Fourth, rich women were not willing to stay behind with their boys.

 I wonder how many first class men rationalized saving themselves
 "for the greater good" because they were so important.

 Do you think Rush packs a dress for ocean voyages, just in case?


 Dear Stubby,



 The Sopranos

 First of all, I need to confess.
 I saw this show Sunday night, but not very clearly.
 Five minutes before I watched the tape, I was in a jet fighter
 with George Clooney screaming towards Moscow to drop a
 mother of a mistake that would kill tens of millions of people.

 As is often the case for special occasions, I had a bottle
 of the finest luxury tequila, Chinaco Anejo, nearby.
 For some reason, it was important to finish the last drop
 before that bomb was dropped - I'm not sure why.

 But I couldn't pass up the opportunity to see The Sopranos,
 so I watched it when I wasn't at my sharpest, we'll say.
 Last night, Tuesday, I had a chance to see it clearly.

 We were pre-warned to have plenty of Kleenex nearby.
 When a show like The Sopranos gives you a warning,
 you assume they're serious and heed the advice.
 So I steeled myself and hit the "play" button.

 By now, you know all the characters didn't make it.
 I could've sworn, after Pussy did his impression of
 Hogan's Heroes's Sgt Schultz, they'd spare him.

 "I see not-ting!
  We have ways of making you talk, Mr. Soprano."

 You had to be there - it was priceless.

 How good can this show be?
 They make you love these cold-blooded killers,
 then they make you love the cold-blooded killers
 that rat out the other cold-blooded killers.

 I really liked Big Pussy.

 Like with Fail Safe, I thought I knew a better ending.
 I was hoping somehow Livia could think of a way to screw "Skip"
 and the FBI sting, saving Pussy, getting Tony off the hook and
 getting herself back into the family as a reward,

 ...but no.

 Once they had Big Pussy out on the boat, I knew he was a goner.
 I read a story about Vinny Pastore, the actor who plays Big Pussy.

 Sunday night, he had two neighbors over to watch the show
 They were sitting on his couch with him, waiting for "it."

 When it came to the point in the show that Puss was about
 to get whacked by his best friend of 40 years, one neighbor
 broke into tears and the other had to leave the room.

 It's that kind of show.


 I didn't have too big problem with it.
 Deep down, I'm a softee at heart, and I actually started to get a
 little weepy, but then the Lord intervened, as he often does.

 Mere seconds before they whacked him, Pussy said,
 "Hey, Tony. You got any tequila?"

 Tony thought for a second, and figured for old time's sake,
 he'd have a final drink with his old friend before killing him
 and dumping his body into the ocean, so...
 he pulled out a bottle of Pussy's favorite - Jose Cuervo.

 Shoot the rat bastard.

 VCR Update

 Tonight - Biography does the Richard Pryor story.

 That's must-tape TV.

 Right after, the best West Wing episode, ever.
 Tape this one, too.
 If you haven't seen it, you'll want to see it again.

 Same time as West Wing, Angie Harmon

 and the lesser people from Law & Order will be live on

Larry King.

 Great GOP Quotes

 "I would rather be right than president."
  -- Gov George W Bush, of Texas

 Wait, that's not right.
 Those words were spoken by former Sec of State Henry Clay in 1823.

 Smirk wants to be president so goddamn bad,
 he lied about John McCain turning his back on Vietnam vets,
 he lied about John McCain being pro-breast cancer, and
 he lied about John McCain being a bigger polluter than
 Smirk and the Wyly brothers combined.

 bartcop.com  regrets the error

 BartCop vs. Liddy

 Click Here  while you read the set-up.

 Have you ever had something that was so valuable,
 you put it somewhere and now you can't find it?
 Somewhere, I have the audio tapes of the time
 G. Gordon Liddy took the BartCop Quiz.

 This was transcribed verbatim back around Volume 60 or so,
 but I haven't been able to locate the tape since then.
 When I find it, you'll see it was exactly as transcribed.

 But I did find others that are kind of funny...

 This clip is from 1995 or so.
 Here's the set-up:

 One of Al Gore's daughters was 16 years old around 1995.
 She went to a party where alcohol was served.
 The way I remember it, she was given a ticket by a cop,
 not for public drunk or DWI, but for "alcohol possession"
 or some less-than "crime."

 Gordon Liddy was going on and on and on and on and on
 about how horrible the Gore's were as parents, because
 their daughter, due to improper upbringing, had now been
 branded as a bad, bad person by the police.

 That struck me a funny coming from a multiple-felon,
 so I fired off a fax to Nixon's hard-assed burglar-boy.

 To his credit, unlike the cowering sissy Limba,
 hiding in fear behind his lil' urine-colored microphone,
 Liddy reads faxes and takes calls from liberals.

 This wasn't a slam-dunk for either of us,
 but he did move on to other topics after reading my fax.

 Sure, the ex-con has a point about the age thing,
 but the bigger point I was making was his assertion that
 a child will learn to obey society's rules if properly brought up.

 On that point, his parents obviously failed.
 The Gores were better parents than the Liddys.

 Iceberg - Dead Ahead!

 From:  rcraig@netrus.net

 Subject: Titanic Republican's fault

 Hey BC,

 Let me save you $55,000,000,.... regarding the Titanic, they ran into
 that Iceberg because they were goin to damn fast, in spite of the known
 danger, just to be first across the Atlantic in a "race" to outdo their
 competitors. That sounds like a Repugnican thing to do.... And their
 weren't enough lifeboats because they wanted to save deckspace (not to
 mention money outlays), for their first class passengers... think about
 it... all very very repugnican things to do that tragically killed over
 a thousand people, mostly the ones travelling in the "lower class" and
 the poor slobs they had workin for 'em in the more menial positions...


 You are correct, Sir.
 I shamefully dropped the ball on this one.

 If those damn liberals had been in charge, with all their anti-business
 meddling, they would've insisted on all those idiotic rules about having
 enough lifeboats to save everyone on board.

 If I know liberals, and I do, they would've passed some bullshit laws
 forcing us to post instructions on what to do in an emergency, which
 would accomplish nothing more than scaring the passengers.

 You know how those liberals are with their heavy-handed rules.
 They might even have insisted on government inspectors to check
 the welds on a ship that carried so many people.

 Obviously, there's no need for that Chicken Little crap.
 Everybody knows that shipping and airline industries can regulate
 themselves because just think know how bad it would be for business
 to lose customers when their ships and planes went down - so everyone
 but the commie left understands why government regulation is not needed.
 (How many times have we heard Rush say that?)


 If we let the liberals run things, they'd probably insist that the
 captain pass some stupid "certification," proving he knew how
 to pilot a ship that size in an emergency. I can just see it now:
 Those socialist pinkos might even insist on speed limits for
 ships in iceberg-congested seas.  What a laugh!

 It never stops!

 The liberals would probably have insisted that the cages in
 steerage be left unlocked while the ship was at sea.
 When will they cease this unnecessary meddling?

 Next thing you know, they'll insist on TWO iceberg lookouts.
 Do you know how expensive that would be for White Star?

 Yes, let's get on our knees and ask the one, true white God
 to keep those liberals in check, for everyone's sake!

 Business-strangling liberalism didn't build that ship.
 Free enterprise built that ship.

 Got a Pencil?

 From: Nmmeeks@aol.com

 Subject: $110,000,000


 A thought just hit me while I was reading two news stories:
 One about the OIC and one about Butch.
 Do you realize the Republicans have spent over $110,000,000 dollars
 to get Clinton out of the White House?

 That's not even counting Scaife's money, Klayman's lawsuits,
 or Limba the Hutt's 15 hours a week etc. etc. etc.


 ha ha

 John, you're right.
 They call that, "less government."

April 11, 2000

 TV Question:

 The cops on NYPD Blue work for the same department
 that the cops from Law & Order work for, right?

 So why do they speak a different language on NYPD Blue?

 On Law & Order, they speak pretty much normal English.
 But Sipowitz and Diane often need subtitles when they speak.

 Is it a "burro" thing?

Smirk's Schedule

4-12 Orien Joiner #902
4-18 Victor Saldano #999203
4-26 Robert E. Carter #999091
4-27 Robert Neville #999293
4-27 Ricky McGinn #999150

5-3 Caruthers Alexander #704
5-9 William Kitchens #840

6-12 Thomas Mason #999035
6-27 Joe Guy #999123

7-19 Oliver Cruz #954

Did I miss any?

 Let's Have a Little Talk

 I want to pre-empt some trouble - see if this makes sense.

 Waaay back in Volume 94, I did a couple of jokes on
 Candice Bergen, Barbara Streisand and Ellen Degeneres.

 Here's the offending passage that I wrote:

 Can I be a mean-spirited Republican for a moment?

 Ellen DeGeneres is NOT funny.
 Never was.

 I support her right to be gay and all her civil rights.
 That goes without saying, I'm a liberal.
 But when it comes to funny, she can't hold a candle to
 Dan Quayle or Clarence Thomas.
 Besides, I'm real tired of her milking this to death, no pun intended.

 A few days later, I got this e-mail, which I printed in Volume 95:

 Dear Asshole,

 You're a fucking chauvinist and a misogynistic pig.
 What's with all the liberal female bashing?
 Ellen, Barbara, Candice ...seems like a testosterone problem.

 You're slashing and trashing was NOT funny.
 It was crappy offensive and extremely disappointing.


 Now, I get wacky mail all the time, but you know what?
 That letter was from my biggest fan.
 This woman, who is gay, had worked harder
 than anyone to get my little newsletter off the ground.
 She personally signed up at least a dozen people to RL-LNW.

 But my disappreciation of Ellen's talent broke the bond between us.
 Suddenly, I was an asshole, fucking pig - because it's my opinion
 that Ellen Degeneres isn't funny.

 I thought then, and still do, that that was an idiotic thing over which
 to break up a budding, electronic political relationship.
 To make things worse, for the first time ever, I tried to collaberate
 with her on some funny story, not knowing a storm was building.

 I was expecting a friendly, lets-make-some-comedy e-mail in return
 and I got that, instead.  It made me drop my drink.
 We agreed to forget each other's e-mail addresses.

 Slowly, I'm getting to the point:

 If you think Julia Roberts and Tom Cruise can act - good for you.
 We can disagree on that.
 If I make a joke about Julia Roberts's lack of talent, it doesn't mean
 I'm a no-good fucking asshole chauvinist pig.
 It just means we disagree.

 If I say "niggers and faggots should get the hell out of America,"
 then, by all means, come after me with everything you've got.
 I hope you win that one.

 But if we disagree on movie stars or guitars or some TV show,
 try to remember it's a joke, OK?

 Catholics for Smirk!

 Thanks to Bob Loonsbury for the pic of the NRA nuns.

 From:  jw13811@flash.net

 Subject: interesting page

 Wow a real NAZI..you are

 Alfred Welton

 Yes, I am a Nazi.
 Know how you can tell?
 Because I'm fighting for equal rights for blacks, immigrants, liberals,
 teachers, gays, women, gypsies and those who can't fight for themselves.

 Yes, that's exactly what the Nazis stood for.
 You know your history well, Mr. Welton.

 Judas Maximus

 Guess who's out whoring another back-stabbing book?
 The bastard Judas, materia fecale che parla troppa verità di no

 Of course, I mean George Stephanopolous
 Stephanopolous, the real-life "Big Pussy" rat.
 Well, this son-of-a-bitch is dead to me.

 His lil' book is called, "All Too Human."
 Oh, just eat me, George.

 I don't know if this is a kiss-up book about Clinton,
 (If it is, save your breath - we don't want you back.
 You have to stay on their side - that's your punishment.
 I'd rather Smirk win that have you save it for Gore.)
 or is Big Pussy Stephie the one who's "too human?"

 I don't care.

 Oh, it's getting rave reviews from alllllllllllll the big boys:
 Adam Cohen called it "a page turner."
 Hey, there's not a book in history that's not a page turner.
 Otherwise you can't read the mother-effer.

 Jonathan Alter said "Essential for trying to understand politics."
 Yeah, assuming your goal is to fuck your boss.

 Michiko Kakutani said "Candid and highly readable."
 What does that mean?
 It has extra large print?

 Geez, Big Pussy Steffie is a fucking rat.
 I can't believe you could get such influencial literratti like Adam,
 Jonathan and Michikooko so throw some feint-praise your way.

 What wrong, Judas?
 Is ABC dumping your turncoat ass?
 Are you out of a job again?
 Are traitors unemployable these days?

 You're between Linda Tripp and Hardon Kenneth in popularity now.
 They don't trust you, and we dislike Judas-whores, so you're nobody now.

 Pray we don't ever meet, Judas.
 There's only a few people I'd spend the night in jail for.
 Judas is one, Ben Stein the dirty cock-sucker is one, Pigboy, obviously,
 but there just aren't that many who've pissed me off this much.

 Steffie, just remember one thing.
 It's hot in Hell.
 Nobody has ever disputed that.

 Hey, Steffie, let's go for a boat ride, OK?

 Great Spooky Quotes

 "It's probably the first romantic comedy in five years without
  Julia Roberts in it, and that's going to be a difficult sell."
   -- David Duchovny, discussing his new film, Return to Me

 It's twue.
 And it's all the fault of the women.
 I don't know any men who enjoy Julia Roberts.
 You ask ten men who's on their "to do" list, and she's not.
 Julia Roberts is most unattactive film star since Rin Tin Tin.

 Have you ever seen her do that trick at a party where she
 puts an entire cell phone (with battery) in her mouth?
 I mean, if I was a single man, drunk on cheap tequila, stumblin' thru
 ho-town looking for a "date," she might do, but not when you
 compare her to the visual effects that Hollywood is famous for.

 Tom Cruise is at least handsome, in a can't-act kind of way,
 but I'm not gay so he does nothing for me. Tom Cruise isn't even
 a man's man like Howie Long, Harvey Keitel or George Clooney.

 Meanwhile, better-looking real actors and real actresses sit home
 broke because these two get every script on the city sent to them.
 Maybe the old Hollywood system was better...

 I'm going to miss the X-Files, but good luck to David Duchovny.

I've had some requests to publish the AMPOL article, "The Cock Crows."
It was the first piece ever published by BartCop, so I'm not sure about
all the protocols involved, but Shirley, now that it's out,
I can run a copy of what I sent them, right?

They were even kind enough to design and add a picture.

Like to see it?
Here it go:


Anyone who has listened to Rush Limbaugh knows he's a football fan.
His favorite team has always been the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Something happened to change that, I'm not sure what.

Recently, I heard Rush say that Terry Bradshaw, former Pittsburgh
quarterback with four Super Bowl rings was, "kind of stupid."
I guess loyalty isn't Rush's strong suit.

It got worse.

For some reason, Rush has turned on his favorite team.
Around the first of December I heard Rush tell a crude joke about
the Steelers. He said the team was so bad this year, they might
change their name to the "Pittsburgh Tampons," because "they're
only good for one period, and they have no second string."

He also said long-time Steeler coach Bill Cowher,
"might be replaced by Monica Lewinsky.
 She may blow a few games,
 but she won't choke on the big one."

Don't believe me?
The sound file is posted as a realaudio file on my website at

When I heard Rush tell that joke, I remembered that he always
claims he's, "an excellent role model for your kids," and that
his talent is "on loan from God," and I got to wondering:

Does that mean God co-produced the tampon joke?
Does that mean God approves of the blow job joke?

Unlike a lot of people these days, I wouldn't dare to assume
to speak for God, but I don't think God would want to be
associated with a tampon joke, do you?

Not long ago, Rush asked his listeners to usher the children
out of the room so he could call Clinton a "turd-licker."
Years ago, Rush called Chelsea, "the White House dog."

Would God endorse such a tasteless personal attack against
an innocent girl who was only fourteen at the time?

Does God have a foul mouth?
Does God enjoy tampon jokes?
Does God like jokes about choking during oral sex?

If Rush's talent is "on loan from God," it follows that either:

1. God is a fool who unwittingly loans His talent to those who
    would misuse that talent in His name to harm the innocent,

2. There's nothing disgusting about turd and tampon jokes,
    and God doesn't mind His name being used to promote such filth.

3. There IS something disgusting about Rush Limba,
    but Dittoheads assume God doesn't mind taking the hit.

What's wrong with those people?
They don't mind their God being stripped of His dignity?

They don't mind if Christ takes another lance in His side?
They don't mind another thorn piercing His scalp?
As long as Rush can take another cheap shot at Clinton,
the "deeply religious people" forgive the slur against God?

Rush's crusade against Clinton must mean more to those conservatives
than God's dignity, or somebody would've called him on it before now.

Trust me - if BartCop is the only one defending your God's dignity,
there's something reeeeeeally wrong with this world.

I'm agnostic, but I'd never drag God's name through the tampons.
If I do a religious joke, it usually has some kind of point to it,
but I'd never use God's name to tell a crude joke that had
the word "tampon" in the punchline.

I joke about Jimmy Page being God, and I wouldn't think of using
his cherry-red doubleneck guitar to beat up Rush Limbaugh.
But somehow, the religious conservatives don't mind Rush using
the dignity of Jesus Christ to beat up on President Clinton.

So why is God allowing this kind of filth?
Disney would never allow this, why does God?
The TV networks would never allow it, why does God?

Why would God allign Himself with a mean-spirited man with no taste?
Why would God loan talent to a man who doesn't have enough class
to let a fourteen year old girl off the hook?

(For a moment, I considered the possibility that Rush was lying,
 but then I remembered he's America's "truth detector.")

The fact that the religious community doesn't mind that Rush drags
their Holy Savior through the tampons is a big surprise to me.
They don't mind God's dignity being used to score political points.
Doesn't it bother anybody else?

I wouldn't do a God-tampon joke or a God-turd joke for $1000.
It's just in bad taste.

What does it tell you that Rush Limbaugh mocks your God this way,
but agnostic BartCop won't put anything that crude on his website?

It tells me you religious conservatives love Rush Limbaugh
more than you love the dignity of your God.  It's that simple.

The bottom line?

I think THEY think their religion is a sham.
What God-fearing Christian would laugh and cheer when
Rush Limbaugh does a joke about Monica not choking when
a penis gets inserted too far back in her throat?

If the dignity of your God means nothing to you,
if turds, tampons and blow jobs don't cross the line,
could a religious person explain to me what does?

Maybe your God's just not that important to you,
but if I was a religious man, and I heard some clown
claim he was using God's talent to promote that kind of filth,
there'd be a fight.

I'm calling on all Christians to denounce the multi-millionaire
Turd-and-Tampon Champion of the Christian Right, the man who
de facto leads one of the great political parties of the modern era.

Rush has created a split between himself and God.
Will you go with Rush's tampon jokes or your God's dignity?

...and do I hear a cock crowing three times?


Great True Quotes

Elton John made a statement against Dr. Laura.
And I understand why, because Dr. Laura has called
 homosexuals "Deviant pedophiles."

She has likened homosexuality to incest and bestiality.
I mean, she is a wizened old crone who had her fun button
sewed up in 1965.

You couldn't pay me to have dinner with this woman.
  -- Bill Maher, April 7


 This (in blue) is verbatim from K-Drag's only newspaper.
 Remember, this paper endorsed Bush over Clinton.
 Remember, this paper endorsed Dole over Clinton.
 Remember, this paper called for Clinton to resign over Monica.
 (Just to prove they're not as Pinko as the right claims.)

 Who's Playing Politics?

 Here's what the Democrat and Republican presidential
 nominees-in-waiting have had to say about Elian.

 Al Gore:  My position has always been that this is a custody matter
                for the courts to decide based on due process,
                with a full hearing in which all parties are heard.

 Gov Bush: This case should be decided by a Florida family court,
                   which will protect the best interests of Elian,
                   not by a Clinton-Gore Justice Department
                   whose record of putting politics ahead of the law
                   does not inspire confidence.

 You make the call:
 Which of these candidates, based on their statements,
 is playing politics with the life and future of little Elian?

 Even in Knuckledrag,
 they know a shameless whore when they see one.

 Begging and Whining
 Whining and Begging

 Koresh save me!
 The nasty Pigboy has spent all of Tuesday begging and whining.
 For weeks, he's been begging for Monday Night Football to hire him.

 Even after MNF says, "No way, man-bitch," he's still begging.
 And these no-spine sheep disgust me with their fawning praise:
 Oh, Rush, the liberal media can't allow you on TV because then
 everyone will know your greatness, your humility and greatness,
 the liberals are too afraid of your greatness, Oh, Great One,
 to let your light of truth shine on their liesblah, blah, blah.

 Of course, those sicko-fants who answer his phones have orders to
 push to the head of the line any blathering idiot who's gushing praise.

 The last hour, he's been begging for some university to bestow
 an honorary degree on his lying, Nazi whore-ass .

 Hey, Pigboy!
 Your daddy was a wealthy lawyer.
 Your grandpa is a Nazi Missouri judge.
 You had everything growing up, why didn't you get a REAL degree?
 Why is it so important to whore for a fake one now?

 Who would give the hateful pig a degree, anyway?
 Bob Jones University?
 Jerry Falwell's Liberty University?
 Pat Robertson's Regent University?
 The Aryan School for Whites Only?

 I'll bet the University of Belgrade would give him a degree,
 for the hundreds of attacks Rush made against our military personnel
 while they were in the field of battle against Slobo Milo.

 To this day, Pigboy says our armed forces attacked innocent targets
 just to help Clinton out, and for that he should be bitch-slapped silly.

 Plus, we all know how Pigboy will deliberately grate on his listeners
 like a goddamn screaming car salesman just to feed his ego.
 For the last several months, he's been over-exaggerating his
 stupid Spanish accent, and Friday he let it slip why:

 He said some woman told him he sounded sexy.

 Yes, some woman, somewhere, told the constantly-rejected scumbag
 that he sounded sexy when he said Elian's name or his daddy's name
 so the poor, rejected-all-his-life Pigboy, desperate for acceptance,
 has been repeating those two names once per minute for months.

 Oh, Christ, deliver me from this sick bastard!
 Don't forget: He met wife THREE on the Internet.
 He couldn't show his face - he'd be risking more rejection.

 All those millions and his self-esteem is still shit.
 All those tens of millions and he's still nothing but a goddamn failure.

 So now, with all his millions, he's begging.
 Begging for the degree he didn't have the brains or courage to get.
 Begging for a high-priofile job so he can demonstrate to others
 that he's not the worthless douchebag America thinks he is.
 Constantly repeating nonsense phrases in Spanish because
 some woman, somewhere, told him he sounded sexy.
 Constantly craving approval from his rich daddy, no doubt.

 Is there any question that's the root cause (pardon the pun)
 if his hair-infected, didn't-wash-his-ass psycological problems?
 When his daddy made him wear that dress, it affected him to this day.

 He's always had trouble with personal hygiene and women.
 Remember his confession that back in Sacramento,
 he wouldn't allow a woman's voice on his local hate show
 unless he has a picture of her on file?

 That way the disgusting slug could rub his dirty, nasty cock
 thru his pants while the woman spoke to him on the phone.

 If you think that's disgusting, I agree!

 What other reason would a twice-rejected, twice-divorced pig
 have for making women "pay a price" to get on his lil' show?


 Begging and whoring - with all those tens of millions.
 Begging and whoring three hours a day, five days a week.

 If he was a decent human being, it would be sad.
 Since he's not, it's just sickening and revolting.
 Makes me want to puke, how 'bout you?

 And he's the top guy in the GOP?
 The number one man in the Republican Party - El Pigbo.

 Rush Limbaugh's psyche is about as stable as a pill-popping
 epileptic working a jack-hammer on a fault line while shivering.

 This Joke is Funny Because It's True!

 From:  ecollins@ong.com

 Subject: Funeral

 A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
 with a pet dog he doted on.

 One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
 "Father, the dog is dead. Could you please say a mass for the creature?"

 Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal
 in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling
 what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

 Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to
 donate for their services?"

 Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 ha ha

 And if this is NOT true,
 explain the Kennedy's second wives club to me.

 Decide, Please

 For the last week or ten days, the nasty Pigboy has been railing
 at Great Britain's Prime Minister Tony Blair for having the gall
 to say he might take some time off when his kid is born.

 For the last few years, the She-Devil Schlessinger has been calling
 Eisenhower and Patton bad fathers because they weren't there for
 their kids when they were kicking Axis ass back in World War II.

 Would you Nazi's make up your goddamn minds?

 We need to lock the horrible Pigboy and Doc Spread Legs in a room
 and let them figure out what slur they're on to stop the harping.

 April is GOP Month

 From: BSmasher@flash.net

 Subject: Blowing Chunks

 April is a chocked filled historical month.
 The civil war is about over, Lincoln gets shot,
 The Titanic goes down tomorrow.
 Of course there's April 19th, the most sacred of all GOP days.
 David Koresh ascends to Heaven.
 McVeigh's attempt at architecture was on the 19th,
 The NRA often holds their convention on the 19th.
 Hitler's birthday on the 20th.
 Columbine was also on the 20th, a present for Adolph.
 Except for the Titanic,
 I think we can blame the rest on republicans.


 Give me $55,000,000, five years and unlimited subpeona power
 and I'll link the Republican Party to that iceberg, trust me.

 The Top Ten Thousand Reasons to Hate Hillary

 An Excerpt:

 Anyone who sat through the entire day could be forgiven if he or she ended
 up confused. To rightist Horowitz, Clinton is a single-minded messianic
 socialist to be feared. To leftist Hitchens, she is a two-faced, unprincipled
 1960s sellout to be despised. To Milton, she is an overly ambitious and
 pushy woman to be scorned for having cut some sort of deal with her husband.
 To Sommers, she is a dangerous, in-the-closet feminist to be exposed.
 To Schlafly, she is a traditional wife who won't own up to that.
 To Ingraham, she is a first lady who dares stay mum about her marriage
  -- but we don't want to get personal.

 For the full 10,000 reasons, Click Here

 VCR Alert

 Tonight, Biography is doing George Carlin's story.
 They're doing great comics all week.
 Last night they did Chris Rock - I should've mentioned it, sorry.

 Wednesday is The King - Richard Pryor.
 I would put on a suit to meet Richard Pryor.
 Poor Richard, he's truly in Hell.
 His body has become a prison, his kids are trying to take over
 his finances, which he's trying to prevent. Record companies are fighting
 over who owns his material now - it's such a fucking mess.

 One company is claiming they bought all his recordings
 for a mere $200,000. That stuff is worth millions.
 The Smithsonian should have custody of his material.
 Richard Pryor was so much more important to understanding
 the meaning of our culture than, say, Fonzie's jacket.

 Thursday is Andy Kaufman, which I'll miss.
 Friday is Phyllis Diller, who once was one of the best.

 Click Here  to read the story of the time we saw Richard Pryor live.

 This Just In...

 Well, actually it's from the April 5 USA Today, page 2C

 "Bill Parcells is off ABC's list for Monday Night Football analysts.
  And network officials insist such names as Regis Philbin, Billyu Crystal
  and the nasty Pigboy were never considered as Al Michaels's partners."
  -- Rudy Martzke

 Funny, almost a week later Pigboy is still telling his DMA regulars

 that he's still a contender for the job.

 He makes things up.

Didn't He Used to be a Cowboy? (Update Below)

 From:  rustem@sprynet.com

 Subject: Ditto-Monkey Mark Chmura

 Hey Bartcop,

 I thought that you might be interested in this.
 Three years ago when the Green Bay Packers won the Superbowl they were
 invited by Clinton to the White House. Mark Chmura their pro-bowl Tight End
 refused to go because he is a staunch conservative (you know he's probably a
 pigboy jock rider as well).

 I can't find the exact quote, but I remember Chmura saying something like
 he didn't want to be in the same room with "that horrible man."
 I remember thinking back then how inappropriate it was to do something like that.

 The President invites you to the White House to congratulate you on something
 that is about sports and he turned around and make it into something political.

 Well, as you might be aware, all over the sports pages today there is a story
 about Mark Chmura sexually assaulting a 17 year old girl
 To me this is another perfect example of the Republican hypocrisy.
 I hope they keep that hypocrite locked up for a long time.

 Rustem Ulagay

  Click here  for the full story.

 More Chmura  From: rackjite@worldnet.att.net

 Mike Chmura, Green Bay Packer, Right-wing loudmouth and pal of Rush
 Limbaugh was the only team member who refused to meet with the
 President after their 1997 Super Bowl victory. He did so because of his
 often stated seething hatred of Bill Clinton regarding the immorality of the
 President's consensual oral affair with 22 year old Monica Lewinsky.

 On Saturday night April 8th, Robert Gessert of Hartland Wisconsin
 invited his married-with-children friend Chmura to come ogle the high
 school girls who were at his home for his son's after prom party.

 Gessert gave the girls hard liquor after which Chmura, dressed in his
 underwear and a towel, followed a 17 year old girl into his friend's
 bathroom and porked her on the bathroom floor without her consent.
 Chmura was released from jail on Monday after posting a $5000 bond for
 3rd degree rape.

 I included the picture so we would all understand that this kind of
 bad athlete crap was done by a WHITE GUY! As to the hypocrisy of this,
 it is so prevalent regarding conservatives it really isn't even
 newsworthy any longer... Also note, as conservatives always do
 concerning Democrats, I left out any reference to "allegedly".


 I knew he was white as soon as you said,
 "right-wing loudmouth pal of Rush Limba."

 By the way, it pisses me off that bond for raping a child is $5,000.
 But if he had handed her a joint, his bond might've been $25,000,
 because marijuana is "really bad for you," like rape is better?

 Our drug laws suck.

 Football Rape Report II

 Former Cowboy Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, one of five Dallas
 Cowboy players arrested for sexual felonies, has won $28,000,000
 in the Texas lottery after a trip to the drugstore to buy cough syrup.

 Henderson, who was convicted of raping a wheelchair-bound woman,
 did 28 months for rape, has now won $28,000,000.
 28 months and 28 million = 56, his football number.

 But wait, he's not getting the $28,000,000.
 He told Texas lottery officials he wants every dime RIGHT NOW!!!
 Since he's demanding every penny TODAY, his final take, after
 paying Smirk his share, is "only," $10,433,690.

 Why would this convicted rapist throw away half the $28,000,000?
 He claimed the reason he wanted all the money, in cash, right now,
 is so he could set up a trust fund for his daughters Thomasa and Dalis.

 You don't sacrifice half the money to protect it for later.
 You let the state pay you a little each year, liar!
 You threw away $14,000,000 to grab it early, liar!

 (What a pig he is, naming those poor girls Thomasa and Dalis.
   His ego is so goddamn big, I'll bet he's going to vote for Smirk.)

 I guess "Mr. Hollywood" can afford all the crack in Texas now.

 Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

 ha ha

 Click Here  to hear a long Pigboy aircheck from 1974.

 Once you get there, just hit "Play," and you'll hear Jeff Christie.
 That was his name then.   It's over 10 minutes of Pigboy counting down
 the hits by The Archies, The Partridge Family and others for the AM kids.

 The big fraud was lying then, he's lying now.

 It also reminds you there was once a time when he could speak
 without using the wrong pronouns in every other sentence.

 Mo' Mail

 From: jam@unlimitedmedia.com

 Subject: October Surprise/CNN

 I had to tell you what happened today in CNN/Burden Of Proofs chat room.
 I mentioned the October Surprise as one of the many things Reagan/Bush
 were responsible for and the moderator said in bold type
 "You idiot, why are so many people still bringing that up?
   I saw the video and it's all BS."

 This made me a little mad since he was supposed to be moderating and not
 pushing his agenda on the room so I asked him - what video and he didn't
 reply, he just booted me out of the room.
 Is this typical of CNN lately?
 I refuse to watch the overtly republican news programs and I thought CNN was
 a little more responsible to the truth.

 No telling which video he claims he saw, but I saw Reagan and North call
 each other "liar" about what really happened, and before the whole mess could
 be sorted out, President Bush pardoned everyone to bury the truth forever.

 I wish I had a dime for each time some ditto-monkey "expert," says,
  What pardons?
  There were no pardons!
  Who gave these pardons?
  BartCop is lying!"

 So I send them this,
 then suddenly they "Gotta run, be back later."

I don't know why, but this pisses me off.

There's no reason why it should, it's just that we both know
this is a good example of how they plan to win this election.

They're going to say, "Buddhist Temple," a few thousand times.
They're going to say, "Gore invented the Internet," and "Love Story."
Then they're going to snicker-snicker about how stupid Al and Hillary are.

Watching the right-wing, red-meat crowd guffaw at Gore's "stupidity,"
is like the East Germans laughing about how ugly American girls are.
Watching the right-wing, red-meat crowd guffaw at Hillary's "stupidity,"
is like the East Germans bragging about their "superior" jet fighters.
They're so convinced of Smirk's invulnerability, and he hasn't got a chance.

I can't wait for the Gore-Smirk debates.

So, why is it the Republicans would rather scream, "Buddhist Temple,"
and lose the damn election, than play on the field of ideas and try to win?

This unfunny duck cartoonist is giving the GOP exactly what they want.
They want to pretend.
They want to pretend they're winning - and they're guaranteed to lose again.

Why don't they want to win, instead?

It's like the voter has passed the GOP by.
Voters are a little ashamed that they once voted for the party of Bob Jones,
David Duke, Pat Buchanan, Jerry Falwell and the Ryder truck militiamen.

Voters are a little ashamed that they once voted against the party
that wants to include the poor, the minorities and the old.
The voters have passed right by the GOP.
The GOP is looking behind them, wondering where the voters went.
But the voters are ahead of them, instead.

Why can't they see this?

Each time they lose an election, Rush and the others say
it was because they weren't right-wing enough!

Rush tells them if they really want to win, they have to be willing to
drag the whole hand and wrist on the ground, not just the knuckles.

They can't win any more elections until they start to look forward,
so what are they waiting for?

That being said, here's a nice little cartoon joke on Smirk.

"I'm so glad to be here in lovely St Louis."

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