In the latest news on the march toward war
in Iraq, Saddam Hussein has
challenged George W. Bush to a live debate
televised internationally via satellite.
One thing you gotta appreciate about Saddam.
He’s got a great sense of humor.
And that doesn’t go without saying with
some dictators. Especially these Middle East guys.
Being a radical fundamentalist does not
naturally lend itself to big laughs.
Would you ever go to a radical fundamentalist
comedy club? Of course not. Why?
Because there aren’t any. These people
have no sense of humor.
Outrageous acts of terror might win them
a big market share, but it will not earn them
a place in the hearts of their audience.
I mean look at some of these wackadoos.
The Taliban, for instance. They had absolute
power and the best things they
could think of were to kill untold numbers
of people and destroy religious idols.
That’s not funny at all, plus Pol Pot already
did it and he had much more longevity.
He died an old man (in prison, granted),
whereas what’s left of the Taliban are living
in caves and subsisting on a diet of peanut
butter from U.S. food drops and whatever
falaffel Osama bin Laden doesn’t finish.
No cable, either. Which is probably just as well
because at least they won’t have to find
out their show didn’t get picked up for syndication.
The Ayatollah Khomeini, he’s another one.
He took out a contract on Salman Rushdie.
Sounds like somebody watched The Godfather
one too many times.
Khomeini was mad because Rushdie defamed
their god in his writing. In Iran they call
that heretical. In America we call it Late
Nite with David Letterman.
And Mohammar Khadafi. They let that guy
run a country? He shouldn’t even be allowed
to have a driver’s license. Khadafi is
pretty funny, though, even if he’s more in the old
slapstick style. Funny hats and pratfalls.
He’s kind of a clown, like Mussolini. If it wasn’t
for Pan Am Flight 103 he might could have
gotten a show on late night.
But as with all these Middle East dictators, he overestimated his audience’s stomach for violence.
Pan Am Flight 103. Not funny. And Khadafi
should remember what became of Mussolini.
Maybe that’s why we haven’t heard from
him in awhile. He didn’t want to end up as
Libyan-on-a-meathook. That would definitely
not be funny. At least not after awhile.
On the other hand, take Nikita Khrushchev.
Now there was a funny guy.
And when all is said and done he doesn’t
seem so scary anymore, does he?
I mean, how afraid can you be of a man
who threatens you by banging his shoe on the table?
“Look out, he’s got a Weejun!”
Does not exactly strike fear, does it?
And what was the worst thing he ever did?
I mean, besides that nasty little incident with
those nuclear missiles in Cuba.
He put up a wall.
Ooh, a wall. We’re shakin’, Nikky.
If you think about it, isn’t that just like
time out? If Johnny and Wendell keep fighting over
the football you send them to opposite
sides of the playground. Oh sure, they make faces
at each other and throw the occasional
spitball when the teacher isn’t looking (or cruise missile),
but mostly they stay in their corners and
nobody gets hurt.
As long as we didn’t sneak across and steal
East Berlin’s sheep we were in good shape.
(Except for those pesky nightmares about
mushroom clouds and all that hiding under our
beds at night. That was a drag. But hey,
you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.)
While he’s no Khrushchev, at least Saddam Hussein is good for a laugh or two.
Recall if you will this little tidbit of Saddam’s from the Gulf War:
“My terrible secret weapon will delight my friends and astound my enemies.”
Okay, Boris. You and Natasha just shut up and eat your pita bread before we smack you.
Now me? If I were Saddam Hussein and the
Americans were threatening to rain missiles
down on Baghdad unless I stepped down,
I’d be looking at time shares.
I’d be saying, “To hell with this. I’m going
to Disney World...No wait, they’ll arrest me there.
Okay, I’ll go stay with the Kurds...Oh,
that’s right, I gassed them. Okay then, I’ll go to Iran...
No, they’re probably still mad about that
little war in the ‘80s.”
But you get the idea. I’d make a quick stop at the palace for my golf clubs and I’d be gone.
But not Saddam.
What does he do? He challenges Bush to a debate.
I think it is safe to say that would not be a jousting in the Lincoln-Douglas tradition.
“You have weapons of mass destruction.”
“No, I do not. You can’t pronounce nuclear.”
“Yes, I can. Nookyuler. And you invaded Kuwait.”
“It wasn’t me. I was torturing a scientist at the time.”
“You have a cheesy moustache.”
“No, I...Well, okay, I do. But Iraqi chicks dig it.”
Still, that's a debate even George W. Bush
could win, and with one simple statement,
taken from a statesman of ours and with
a few minor adjustments.
“Saddam, I knew Adolph Hitler. My granddaddy did
business with Adolph Hitler.
You, Saddam, are no Adolph Hitler.”
Oh wait, that doesn't quite suit his purposes, does it?
Meanwhile while all this is going on on
the networks, if we turn to C-Span we see that
North Korea has restarted its nuclear program
and has a missile said to be capable of reaching the U.S.
That’s not one bit funny. But let’s don’t
worry about them. North Korea doesn’t earn enough
of a market share to grab our attention
anyway.