Volume 284 - Rulon
 October 2, 2000

 The tidals waves of bad news for Republicans continue

 Click  Here

 Here's an Almost Famous/Zeppelin detour.
 Mostly for music fans with DSL.

 Click  Here

 Priest Goes Nuts
  Attacks Illinois Abortion Clinic

 ROCKFORD, Ill. (Sept. 30) - A Catholic priest smashed his car into a women's clinic
 Saturday, then chopped at the building with an ax until the owner fired two shotgun blasts.
 "Thank the Lord a couple of shotgun blasts could get his attention," bystanders said.

 The priest drove through a door at the Illinois Women's Center around 8:15 a.m.
 He was swinging an ax until the shotgun got his attention.
 He did not hit the priest.

 Father John Earl, 32, was arrested and charged with burglary and felony criminal damage
 to property, said Police Chief Dominic Iasparro. Earl was held on $10,000 bail.
 Isparro would not comment on a possible motive.

 ha ha

 I'll tell you what his motive was - he's Catholic.

 Found this buried in the mail.

 I don't know her name,
 but Today's Page Two Girl is a singer

 Click  Here

 One last thing about the closing of the Olympics.
 Nicky Webster, the little Australian girl who proved she has no fear
 of heights in the opening ceremonies, proved it again Sunday night.
 Check this out.

 Here she is, standing on an acrylic pentagon about five feet wide.

 You see her there, in the spotlight?
 Then the five foot pentagram starts rising higher and higher.

 Higher and higher...

 At this point, Motormouth Costas said she was 15 feet in the air.
 I think the same guy who measured the women's floor vault told him that.
 It looks a lot higher than 15 feet to me, not that it matters after a while,
 and she's singing while the wind is blowing like half a hurricane.

 Let's go back to picture one.

 Do you see any rails for this Miss to hold onto?
 No, you don't.

 You know why you don't see any rails?
 Because there are none.

 She should get a metal for bravery, don't you think?

 Then to close out the flame, they needed one of our F-111's.
 As the jet approached in the dark, the flame went out,
 and the F-111 symbolically "grabbed" it

  ...and headed off in the direction of Greece,

...and the jet flew onto Greece or, as Smirk would say,
 "The place where the Grecians live."

 It wasn't as wild as the opening, but that girl deserves something for standing
 on that platform as it rose towards the sky. There's no amount of money
 one could pay Ol' BartCop to do that, Nosirreee, Bob!

 Shot of Chinaco to the kid with the cajones - Nicky Webster.

 At Nazi-Con 2000, was Smirk lying, or just stupid?

 The Myth of the Hollow Military
 Or, as he puts it, "Are our Military Ready?"

 Click  Here

 The New York Daily Post had this story:

 Add another to the growing list of "plants" in the "Dr. Laura" show.

 "Dr. Laura" researcher San-D Duchac was on the show which aired Monday,
 Sept. 25 under the heading "Readin' Writin' and Cheatin'." Duchac told Screech
 she was a professional note-taker for college athletes.

 Nothing wrong with that. However, talk show hosts generally identify their staffers
 as such - something Schlessinger didn't do.

 In fact, when Duchac was finished, Schlessinger said to her,
 "I'm really honored you have the courage to come here today."

 Duchac also appeared the next day, on the Sept. 26 show, "Getting to the Altar,"
 about couples living together before getting married.
 Officials at Paramount, which produces "Dr. Laura," had no comment.

 Duchac's back-to-back appearances were spotted by eagle-eyed interns at GLAAD,
 which has launched an all-out assault against Screech due to her hatred for gays.

 You watch, she'll blame Paramount.
 "They told me everybody cheats this way," she'll whine.

 This Just In...

 The New York Daily News said executives at WCBS-TV in New York were
 considering moving ``Dr. Laura'' from 3 p.m. to the middle of the night.
 Such moves, particularly in large media markets,
 are often a precursor to cancellation for syndicated shows.

 ha ha

 Squirming Smirk

 Between now and Tuesday at 6PM EST, let's put together a list
 of questions Gore could ask Smirk to put him on the spot.

 Send me some, but don't send me War and Peace.
 Short questions for Smirk, such as:

 1. Please explain the India/Pakistan problem to America.

 2. Was your father right to order the murder of Randy Weaver's wife?

 3. How many grams are in an ounce? (my favorite)

 4. What's the capitol of Illinois?

 5. You claim you read the Dean Acheson book.  What term did he use
     to explain the changing balance of power between China and Russia?

 6. How do you say, "I'm not the father" in Spanish?

 Send more - we'll print them to give the Gore people some last minute ideas.

 Marilyn Manson, who had some ribs removed so he could blow himself
 says he can't vote for Gore because, "He's a little weird."

    Monday, October 2, 2000  PROOF

 Who knew?
 Controversial gory Goth rocker Marilyn Manson leans Republican.

 Interviewed in November's Talk magazine, Manson reveals that he can't stand
 President Clinton or Al Gore - and that he loathes Joe Lieberman, who partly
 blamed Manson for the Columbine massacre.

 "If I had to pick, I'd pick Bush, and not necessarily by default," Manson told Talk.
 "I know I don't support what the other team is about."

 ha ha

 Marilyn Manson not a fit with the Democrats,
 finds kinship with Lott's GOP.

 More Trouble for Smirk
 Where was he when he was AWOL?

 Click  Here

 My mailbox is going crazy with this rumor.
 Even tho it was first reported here at  bartcop.com  it's too good to be true.

 Rumor - GOP wants Cheney off the ticket

 Click  Here to read Bev Conover's excellent piece.

 Click  Here  to read the lesser, forever version.

 People should remember this is the man Smirk picked.
 Smirk makes decisions like his daddy (Quayle, April Glaspie, Clarence the Thunderfrog)

 Today, Smirk addressed the rumor that just won't die.

 "I not dammit am Dyslexic."

 Goodbye, Olympics

 The closing wasn't as good as the opening, but it was OK.
 That prick Jim Gray had to horn in on everything, as usual.
 Why does NBC think he's so great?

 He's an ashole with one question, "What are your thoughts at this moment?"
 If he asked me that, I'd say, "At this moment, I'm wondering why NBC sent
 a no-talent asshole like you to get in my face on my big day."

 Looking back, my favorite Olympic Moment happened the first night.
 On the way to work that day, the assholes on the AM radio said who lit
 the torch, "Australia's most famous athlete - Cathy somebody,"
 which didn't mean anything to me.

 Three weeks ago I couldn't spell aborigine, now I am one.
 When motormouth Costas explained the significance of Cathy Freeman
 being chosen for Australia's biggest moment ever, I was verklempt.

 A whole country of recovering racists - that's inspiring.
 I wish we had one of those in North America.
 I wonder if Trent Lott was watching that night?

 My second-favorite was the look on Misty Hyman's face when she realized:

 A. She'd won the 200-meter race.
 B. She'd beaten Suzie, the World Beater of all swimmers to do it.
 C. She wasn't dreaming.

 I don't know if you've seen a picture of Misty with hair, but she's a babe.

 My third favorite moment was any time Marion Jones was on camera.

 It was fun watching her leave the others in the dust.
 Maybe she's kidding, maybe she was coached, but every time they talked to her
 she praised her teammates. Even when they flubbed the baton pass and cost her
 a fourth gold medal, she had class and thanked them.
 I didn't know she already had a million-dollar deal with Nike, but that's cool, too.
 A millionaire with class and manners - don't see too many of those.

 I also saw that wrestler Rulon Gardner kick Ivan the Ugly's ass.

 Ivan, in red, tried his sleeper hold on Rulon, but Rulon just laughed.
 I saw it live, too.
 Well, I didn't see it live, since it really happened earlier, which was , ...fuck it.

 Did you see it?
 It was so emotional.
 They said it was probably THE upset of the games.
 This Rulon is a big ol' goofy looking farmboy, and they said he had no chance to win.
 This Ivan dude hadn't lost in 13 years and was considered unbeatable by everyone.
 Well, Rulon open up a family-sized can of Whoop Ass on Ivan the Ugly.

 When Rulon won, he was happier than me at the Venetian's Taqueria Cononita.
 First he did a cartwheel, then a sommersault to rejoice.
 The best part was the NBC cameras caught his pretty wife calling home.

 "Dad! He WON! ...no, I'm not kidding, he WON!  He fucking WON!
 Yes, goddammit, I said he WON!!!!
 No, I'm not kidding, he kicked Ivan's ass!
 Call everybody!!!
 Wake their asses up and tell them to turn on the damn TV!
 Gotta run, Rulon's getting the gold medal for kicking Ivan the Ugly's ass!"

 She was happier than Smirk getting "Austin" in the Geography Bee.
 She was happier than a big winner on Millionaire.
 I know the Olympics isn't whore-free, but it's close.
 Cathy Freeman and Marion Jones expected to win, but Misty Hyman and
 Rulon Gardner got the shock of their young lives and the camera caught it.

 One other thing - they kept talking about  the pressure.
 Not to take anything away from Cathy or Marion, but running when you're
 nervous has to be pretty easy, I mean the other runners are nervous, too.
 If you want to see grace under pressure, check out those girls on that balance
 beam doing a backwards flip on a four inch landing pad.
 Those girls who got screwed with the vault-horse at the wrong height - their
 confidence was shot-to-hell after falling on their asses and not knowing why,
 and now they're up in the air looking to do a reverse double-flip on the balance beam
 with 3 billion people watching them?

 Of course, I can't let NBC off that easily...

 Parts of the last two weeks they couldn't have screwed-up more if they wanted to.
 I would've like to have seen the big gold medal baseball game, but nooooooooo.
 I'm sure the information was available somewhere, like the 14 people convicted
 in the Whitewater "crimes," but this isn't Hide-and-seek, dammit.
 This is big-time ad-selling NBC is trying to accomplish.  NBC did a real shitty job
 of scheduling and telling us about it, especially when they had 20 hours between
 the event and the eventual mangled-beyond-recognition broadcast.

 Then yesterday, Motormouth kept saying, again and again, that the big profile
 on Muhammed Ali was "coming up later."

 Hey, fuck you, NBC!

 The Rams are kicking ass and I'm not going to watch 3 hours of women's water polo
 on the off-chance that you guys might  get around to playing the Ali footage you promised.
 Sure enough, the next time I checked in they were in the middle of a very lame
 Ali retrospective. I have half-a-dozen "Best of Ali" shows from the last twenty years
 that are better than NBC's "very special" presentation. What you showed yesterday
 was hacked-up, disjointed and missing so many big chunks of information I thought
 maybe some great white sharks might've gotten into your editing room.
 You guys only had 140 hours of broadcast time, so you had to rush the Ali flashback?

 I've got hours of Ali on tape when he was the most fluent speaker in America.

 Example: Before the second Liston fight, Ali got in front of the camera and said,
 "I'm going to win this fight, I guarantee it.  I can't lose, I'm too pretty.
 If I lose this fight, if Sonny Liston beats me, I will crawl across the room
 on  my hands and knees and kiss his feet, and I'll tell him he's the true champ
 and I'll take the next flight out of the country."

 That's damn dramatic stuff.
 If I was Sonny Liston, it would scared the shit outta me.
 That's the very definition of going out on a limb, but did we see anything like that
 on yesterday's Bob Costas "coming up real soon" special?   Noooooooooooo.

 Bob, what happened to you?
 You used to be fun to watch.

 Besides Motormouth and that no-talent Jim Gray, the other thing I won't miss
 is that ponderous "If you're happy clap your hands," commercial.

 Oh, Death - where is thy comforting sting?

 Jesus Christ, every damn commercial break they took all week started with,
 "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."
 I'll tell you what, I was unhappy and I clapped my remote.
 Fucking ponderous, it was.
 To make things worse, they slowed the damn song down so much it took
 30 seconds just to get out the first line of this water-torture song.

 I can't even tell you whose commercial that was because I turned it off so fast.
 If anyone knows who's shit that was, tell me so I can send them some hate mail.

 So, NBC, I'm glad you lost money on this Olympics, if you did.
 Don't blame the time difference, don't blame the athletes.
 Blame Motormouth Costas, blame that prick Jim Gray, your segment producers
 and Dick Ebersol for taking the audience for granted and screwing us.

 This shit about, "We'll have something good coming up," is bullshit.
 And I know you had to show 30 commercials an hour to lessen the loss,
 but whose fault is it you paid you much? Next time the bidding gets going,
 tell Samaraunch you'll pay $300,000,000 and that's it.

 If he doesn't like it, tell him to webcast his own damn Olympics.

 Now that the Olympics are out of the way, let the TV season begin.
 The new season starts today, baseball and the de-Smirking starts tomorrow,
 and the two-hour West Wing season premier is Wednesday..

 Before I go, a shot of Chinaco to Cathy, Misty, Marion and Rulan
 and the baseball team I didn't get to see and the others.

 ...and a left-out-overnight shot of Cuervo Gold to NBC sports.

 I've never seen anything that was true on newsmax.com,
 so take this with a grain of agave, but here's their claim:

 Powell Not So Hot for Bush

 Don't look for Colin Powell in a Smirk Cabinet as Secretary of State.
 In fact, don't look for him anywhere near a Bush administration.

 NewsMax.com hears from a source who knows Powell that he
  "has little respect for G.W. Bush."

 This source says that Powell admires and respects President Bush,
 but that respect does not extend to the idiot Smirk. Powell feels,
 according to this source, that "W. Bush is not up to the job."

 This may explain why, the very day after his GOP convention speech,
 Powell said twice that he'd be open to a possible position in a Gore administration.

 Hey, Colon!
 We don't want you!
 You stand on that stage with that idiot Smirk while he says our fightin' boys
 aren't up for a fight, then want to come play for our team when your side looks like
 they don't have a chance because you losers picked Cotton candy?

 Stay with the losers, Colon.

 From: bsutherland@ohiohistory.org

 Subject: BartCop vs Limba for President


 Ok, this sounds silly but I promise you it's interesting.
 I have a Presidential Election game for my PC that requires an Apple Emulator to run.
 The most recent year it logs is 1988, so it's a bit dated.

 Anyway, for shits and giggles I ran an Election in the year 1980 with you as
 the Democrat and Limbaugh as the Republican candidate. It was a close race.
 In fact, Limba started out of the gate in early September doing very well.
 He was projected to win around 300+ electoral votes and was sailing easy.

 Until he made an overseas PR trip and made a complete ass of himself.
 That, and a victory in a debate, gave your campaign a much needed boost.

 ha ha

 BartCop and Pigboy in a debate?
 Were any punches thrown?
 Did I throw dogshit on him?

 ha ha

 In the end the election was very close and it was drawn out to the last
 state, California. You gained the Electoral Votes needed to win with 51% of
 the popular vote in California and the nation.

 The final Electoral Vote count was:

 Bartcop: 307
 Limba: 231

 ha ha

 Pigboy, eat my dust

 Regardless it's a very interesting program. You can run historical or
 ahistorical elections from 1960 to 1988, setting numerous parameters about
 the candidates, foreign, domestic, and economic situations.

 It's freeware, so if you'd like a copy let me know
 and I'll send you all the needed files.

 Just a little frivolity in a potentially dangerous election season.


 Yeah, that sounds like fun.

 Smog Monster is Eating Houston
 Candidate Smirk is "very surprised"

 Click  Here

 Debate Update

 Just now on ABC Whore News Radio, they ran an update on Smirk's
 debate preparations, saying the Smirk camp wants everybody to lower
 expectations because, after all, Gore has many years of experience with
 political debates and has a vast knowledge of world affairs, whereas Smirk
 only has a few years in politics and he's not too damn bright to begin with.

 ...and on the topic of the debates,

 On the news shows yesterday they said the FBI was investigating
 the "illegal" tape that was sent to Gore a while back.

 That's horseshit!

 Did the tape come with a warning that said, "Warning - Stolen Goods?"
 Did the tape say, "Private Property of Smirk - Do not view?"

 If that tape had come to BartCop manor, I'd watch the whole thing
 and if anyone asked why I didn't call the cops, I'd tell them it's not
 any of the damn cop's business what I get in the mail.
 For all we know, the idiot Smirk sent that tape to Gore to taunt him.
 Of course, I don't believe that for a minute, but I'd like to see some
 FBI agent convince a jury that wasn't what I was thinking at the time.

 There's nothing illegal about watching some damn tape you got in the mail.

 Old Business

 Someone wrote and said my guestbook blows,
 and that I could get a chat-thing that works better.

 Lemme know how that's coming...

 I'm not sure what this is, but it mentions the death of Pigboy's show
 and the death of  Laura the She-Thing's show, so it's worth a look.

 Click  Here

 Let me know if it's important.

 From: LuckySoNso@aol.com

 BartCop:  It is very embarrassing to me to write a message which is 100%
 enthusiastic praise, but your KKK rally coverage was nothing short of brilliant.
 It was amazingly timely, highly imaginative, humorous where appropriate,
 serious when seriousness is called for, sometimes subtle, and sometimes
 smashmouth satire.  Hot Dog!

 Hey, I thought of something to criticize.  The sound quality wasn't very
 clear, and some of the pictures were a little dim.. Why don't you spend a
 half-million dollars to upgrade your equipment so your material can be more
 effectively displayed.  Seriously, you always show real ingenuity in
 utilizing the full potential of your medium --
 You know, change of font style and size, timeliness, creative visuals, etc.
 Ernie Kovacs used the same kind of ingenuity in early TV.
 Remember Ernie?  Naah, you're too young.

 To think that the TV moguls are givng air time to  to Dr. Whora and
 neglecting someone with real ideas.  If you ever do a TV program,
 I hope you get on a pay channel so you won't have to clean up your language.


 Lucky, thanks.

 My favorite part of that story was that damn possessed saw horse.
 That's all 100 percent true.

 If I'd known the dark forces wanted to try to stop me from attending
 I would've had the camcorder running to record that damn thing.

 Have you been to http://LimbaughWatch.Com/?

 From: WARRCONST@aol.com

 I'm trying to find an article I read,that examined the possibility Pres.Bush
 took a dive in the 1992 election.I thought I read it on your site.

 If so can I get access to it?



 Sure, right under "The Latest" you'll see "Recent Old Stuff."
 It's called, euthanasiacally, "The big Story."

 Tales From the Rock Road

 Click  Here

 Ask BartCop

 From: (withheld)

 Subject: Military Duty

 When Gore is elected president, as Commander-in-Chief,
 can he have Bush fulfill his military duty responsibilities?

 Dear Withheld,

 My sources say yes.


 Lazio is Sinking

 Click  Here

 That's the growing sense among increasingly anxious New York Republicans
 as the possibility that their ultra-nemesis - Hillary "The Carpetbagger" -
 may actually win next month begins to sink in with each new poll.

 From: thissteve@yahoo.com

 Subject: Brit Hume - What am I missing?

 Surely he meant that Fox NEWS would cover the debate
 in its entirety, not Fox itself, right?

 Hey, I'm always confused, so don't ask me.
 Bill Dailey was taunting the moron on "Fox," the same channel Bart & the X-Files are on.
 Fox wants to be a "real" network, but when something big happens like the debates,
 they want to be the struggling, fledgling upstart who needs the cash.

 I figured Dailey was taunting him for a reason, but remember:
 The reason Gore claimed he wanted to go with the League of Voters is because
 "the major networks" agreed to show the debates. If it was a Larry King or
 Tim the Whore production, the others wouldn't carry it, that's why Gore held out.

 Maybe it just proves Fox can't run with the big dogs.

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