CrimQuips 5/1/03

                      Commentary by Barry Crimmins


                      Happy May Day! It's nice of court-appointed President Bush to help so many workers
                      of the world celebrate the holiday by uniting... at the unemployment office.

                      Multinationals of the world, break up!

                      Pennsylvania Republican Senator Rick Santorum is a homophobe?
                      This is nearly as shocking as the Trent Lott racist revelations of last year!

                      I completely support the move to get Santorum to resign. In fact I have thought he should
                      resign long before he formally confirmed he was a subscriber to this specific bigotry.

                      There are a lot of bigots in America and there is room for all of them under the Republican tent.


                      People say Republicans don't believe in diversity but that's silly, they hate everyone.

                      Maybe someday Iraqis will open casinos on their stolen land and gain some measure of revenge
                      against the foreign interlopers.

                      To borrow a phrase: We're sick of games and deception, where are the
                      weapons of mass destruction, George?

                      Let the UN inspectors in, Sadda... err, Bush.

                      The US has already helped the Iraqi people by building a new pipeline... for antiquities.

                      They are selling unofficial Bush '04 buttons and bumperstickers in Crawford, Texas that say
                      "KeepAmerica rolling." Apparently they ran out of space or they would have included "downhill."

                      Bush's mammoth tax cut for the ultra-wealthy must be pushed through
                      or the profiteering motive to rebuild Iraq will be greatly minimized.

                      The US is withdrawing all of its combat units from Saudi Arabia so that they are in less danger
                       of being hit by friendly fire should Bush decide to add the world's largest oil reserve to his collection.

                      I guess we shouldn't be surprised that an American military, brimming with national guardsmen,
                      would have a predilection for firing into crowds.

                      In an attempt to make amends for the incident in which American soldiers killed at least 15 Iraqis
                      and wounded another 65, the US is considering funding a university in Falluja, where the massacre
                      took place. The proposed name? Qent State.

                      When they say people in the military are defending our freedom, I always think of the kids who are
                      given the choice: jail or the armed service. It would seem to me that those particular soldiers joined
                      the military in defense of their own freedom.

                      Rumfeld's secret rationale: Hey, if you can't find any Iraqi weapons of mass destruction then why not
                      settle for destruction of the Iraqi masses?

                      If Osama bin Laden read Paul Wolfowitz's views on the "New American Century" sometime prior to
                      9/11/01, would that make Wolfowitz an accessory before the fact to the terrorist attacks on the USA?

                      Maybe Osama was just minding his business and then he read Wolfowitz's master plan to assault the
                      Middle East and that's when he decided to expand his terrorist activities all the way to the United States.


                      The number of American black children who live in extreme poverty is now at its highest level since the
                      government began collecting such figures in 1980. Court-appointed President Bush is pleased with this
                      progress but wants us to remember that this figure can only continue to grow if his latest tax giveaway
                      becomes a reality. For the super-wealthy to reap this new benefit, the last few scraps of government
                      assistance for these poor kids will have to be cut. Think about it, America -- it is easy to segregate the
                      anguished cries of hunger of poor little black kids, but a fat cat forced away from the caviar trough after
                      only a few plate-loads will make a noise that none of us will be able to escape until their heinous
                      caterwauling is muffled by further engorgement.

                      It's your decision America, you can either feed hungry black children or engorge overstuffed power elite insiders.
                      George W. Bush is confident that you will make the right choice.


                      The Iraqi ministries of defense, state security and intelligence will remain under the control of the so-called
                      coalition for a period of either several years or until all the Iraqi oil supplies are depleted, whichever comes last.

                      Considering all the reports that have surfaced about Saddam surviving, it may well be that the only thing
                      the US managed to "decapitate" was a statue.

                      Several weeks into the invasion and occupation of Iraq the only site where people have been absolutely and
                       irrefutably convinced that Iraqi weapons of mass destruction exist is


                      After Iraq's new leaders are democratically hand-picked by the court-appointed Bush Administration, they won't
                      be allowed to make any decisions about things like oil, trade, oil, security, oil, intelligence or oil but they will have
                      some important responsibilities, including:

                      Making sure their strings remain untangled at all times so as not to inconvenience the puppeteers.
                      Walking the aforementioned statue head through the streets of Baghdad at least twice a day.
                      Learning to matter-of-factly blame victims of massacres for their own demise.

                      They will also have some flexibility when it comes to worsening the lives of the Iraqi people although that will
                       remain primarily the responsibility of coalition leadership.

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