Washington, D.C. – The Bush Administration issued a warning today, this
time on the floor of the Senate.
As Democratic Majority Leader Tom Daschle yet again called for an investigation into pre-9/11 intelligence
gathering, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld burst into the Senate chambers and shouted, “Run for your lives!”
Daschle hid under the podium. Rumsfeld wiped the sweat from his
brow and told reporters, “That was a close call.” Republican Senator
John McCain, however, swore he didn’t see anything. Ted Kennedy thought
he saw pink elephants,
but realized it was only a flashback. Mitch McConnel of Kentucky thought somebody was trying to steal his PAC money.
Later that day, at a press conference held at Chuckles, a D.C. comedy
club, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleisher
told reporters that Rumsfeld was only trying to save the majority leader from insidious terrorist chatter that has increased
as of late. When reporters asked Fleisher if the White House was trying to use fear to divert attention from their own intelligence failures, Fleisher replied, “Everybody under your seats! Quick! Terrorists are coming!”
Later that day Fleisher issued another statement. “ Intelligence is
the highest priority of George W. Bush’s White House.” However, he
just couldn’t keep a straight face and when reporters pressed him on this
he only said, “Is that bin Laden
behind you?” When reporters turned back, he was gone.
This reporter sought to thoroughly uncover this new and seemingly innocuous
threat to our safety: terrorist chatter.
FBI chatter expert Robert A. Max takes chatter very seriously. “We have over two thousand hours of terrorist chatter
on tape and let me tell you, it’s really tedious. Take the phone conversation of your average teenager,”: Mr. Max went on, “And then multiply the insipid content by about hundred and there you have terrorist chatter.”
However, the declassified documents that the CIA and FBI have released
to the public paint a frightening picture.
“The government does not want to jeopardize any ongoing investigations so we have changed all the names.”
Stated Mr. Max, “ So as not to stereotype Arabs as terrorists, we have used the names ‘Abdullah’ and ‘El Asad.’”
Abdullah: What do you want to blow up?
El Asad: I don’t know. What do you want to blow up?
Abdullah: I don’t know. What do you want to blow up?
El Asad: I always pick. It’s your turn.
Abdullah: What type of nationality are you interested in blowing up? Italian? Chinese? American?
El Asad: I guess American.
Abdullah: Well, that does narrow it down somewhat. Do you have any particular state in mind?
El Asad: Why do I have to make all the decisions?
Abdullah: Because the last time I made a decision, you got passive aggressive.
El Asad: I swear to Allah, Abdullah, you’re just impossible!
Another example of the type of evil our country faces can be found in this seemingly innocent cell phone conversation:
Abdullah: I’m on my way home, do we need anything at the store?
Mrs. Abdullah: I think we could use some milk.
Abdullah: Is that it? I don’t want to have to go out again.
Mrs. Abdullah: Well, if you have the room in the trunk we could use
fifteen thirty-gallon barrels
of liquid cyanide suitable for dumping in a small town’s water supply.
“You could listen for hours,” said Mr. Max, “and never get any information
He uses the following excerpt to illustrate his point:
Abdullah: Just between you and me, my friend, I wouldn’t mind seeing what’s behind her veil.
El Asad: Yeah, you can tell by the way she wears that veil that she
has a really nice nose.
I bet she has a smoking body under those twenty layers of fabric, too.
Abdullah: Allah be willing I think she’s hot. But it’s kind
of heard to tell.
I hate it when you pick up a chick and by the time she takes it off, she’s really a dog.
El Asad: Abdullah, you’re really a pig, you know that? But who
am I to judge?
When you’re a martyr, do you really get fifty virgins?
Abdullah: Yeah, but they won’t be virgins for long! [Laugher and unintelligible noise]
El Asad: But what if they are virgins because they’re really fat and ugly?
Abdullah: Have a little faith in Allah. Is he really going to reward the martyrs with ugly virgins?
“Terrorist chatter,” concludes Mr. Max, “is something that is going
to be with us for a long time. And there are
times when I just went to yell into the high-tech monitoring devices for these people to just shut up already!”
It is doubtful that even if we are successful in preventing another
attack we can get these terrorists to shut up.
Though neither the FBI, the CIA or the White House have offered any suggestions to the general public, citizens
are taking small precautions. “Whenever I inadvertently turn the TV to Fox News,” said Mildred May, a homemaker
from Indiana, “I hit the mute button and just read the crawl.”
I suppose that will have to do for now.