Well, Jerry Springer is mulling over a run
for the Senate and John Adams is no doubt turning in his grave so furiously
that if we could just hook up a turbine power cable to his headstone we would probably solve all our energy woes.
OK, I guess I'll wait until you do your first joke to comment.
It's no secret that the gene pool, in addition
to being a tad brackish as of late, is also so shallow now there doesn't
even need to be a lifeguard on duty.
Dennis, that's from a rant you did from
Did Barry Crimmins write that?
It was funny the first three times you told it.
Springer has stood astride that pool like
a latter day Colossus Ignoramus of Rhodes for well over a decade now.
Now that's not to say I don't periodically find the "The Jerry Springer Show" intellectually stimulating. Indeed, how
many times have I been walking through the parking lot of a laundromat and seen two obese women in halter tops
slap fighting and thought, Wow . . . I wonder what the back story is on that?
Two points: "I
wonder what the back story is on that?"
is a cliche I stopped using years ago.
What year are you stuck in, Dennis? Maybe those Oklahoma trends haven't drifted to Beverly Hills yet.
Also, you and Jerry Springer are in the same business - you're two clowns trying to maximize your yearly income
by entertaining the lowest common denominator in a human being.
The difference is, Springer was able to hold onto his job.
But at this point, Springer would have to hire a team of sherpas...
Sidebar for a DM "He's so smart"
Sherpa - Tibetan people in the high Himalayas in eastern Nepal who provide support for foreign trekkers and mountain climbers
...to assist him on the long trek back up
to the lowest common denominator. As a matter of fact, the last time I
channel surfing and stopped on the Springer show my channel flicker filed a restraining order against me.
Dennis, that was a great joke ... twenty years ago.
Had you said, "filing a TRO," it still would've been so nineties...
Dennis, do you have an irrational fear about getting old?
Chirst, I hope not, because your Grandpa is probably your biggest fan now.
BTW, do you have pictures of Leno sexing a goat?
I know why FOX Whore News has you on - because you've turned into Bush's cabanaboy.
But for Leno to have you on, you gotta have something over him.
Did he cheat on Mavis, and you're blackmailing him to get on his show each month?
The Pied Piper of Bottom Feeders, Ringmaster
of the Cirque de Salieri, and now he's set his sights on Congress.
Just think of it as Mr. Registers-at-Hourly-Rates-Hotels-Under-the-Name Smith Goes to Washington.
Christ, Dennis - that reference is from goddamn 1939!!
Your dad wasn't yet a damn teenager way back in 1939.
Who's your target audience these days, retired, rich, Enron executives in Brazil?
Dennis - POP QUIZ!
What's more likely?
Pulling a Republican's camel thru the eye of a needle or you having credibility
anywhere outside of the GOP and FOX News for the rest of your unfunny career?
Guess what, "D-Man."
Your bet on the wrong f-ing horse.
You turned Nazi about 60 days before the Nazi's were exposed as war-profiteering, lying murderers.
Your turned whore at the exact wrong moment in time.
You fucked up!
You called out, "I'm all in,"
while holding Bush-is-honest cards in your poker hand
You bet the ranch on the man YOU said was so stupid,
"Abe Lincoln could outwit this moron even after they blew his brains out of his head!"
Those are your words, Dennis.
That was the real Dennis Miller,
the pre-whore Dennis Miller. That was back
when the Dennis Miller I knew and respected had the balls to tell the truth.
Boy, I've seen some opportunistic, incredibly-stupid,
money-grubbing whores in my long, long life,
and I can't think of anyone who's better and more effective at career suicide than you, Dennis.
Koresh, you make Lars and Pee Wee Herman look respectable.
Well, one thing's for sure. Capitol Hill
hasn't seen bouncers this big since the members of the House
were kiting all that bad paper during the banking scandal of '92.
Dennis, you prove my point exactly.
What that supposed to be a joke?
In your desperate attempt to discredit the last 40-years of your
core beliefs, you go back eleven years
to attack the Democrats for writing no-penalty bad checks on a private bank where it was acceptable?
That's not quite as bad as sending 244 very brave men to their deaths for no goddamn reason, ...is it?
But is Jerry's pluck at the Grail really
that aberrant a notion? His talk-show experience will at least allow
him to co-mingle easily with his fellow senators, yet another studio audience of preening narcissists,
voracious for their 15 minutes, but in truth needing an intermission to fill the time.
I feel waaaay put out that I had to add punctuation to Miller's rant to make it coherent to the intellectuals.
Attribution - I'm not kidding
seems to have as many fact-checkers and spellcheckers as bartcop.com.
And how embarrassing that Miller's hate can only be published by a Nazi dot com.
Back before he turned whore, I would been honored to publish DM's rants
Now that he's fallen so low, he can only be published on whitey, old-school, pro-B.F.E.E. web sites.
I;'m so old, I remember the Dennis Miller who cringed at the thought od becoming Rush Limbaugh.
I guess it's true - money changes everything.
It's not like I think the Senate is a hallowed
chamber where you have to be particularly smart to get in.
To me, Congress is just a place where we send oft-times mediocre men and women to be Earl Scheibed
into looking kinda, sorta, vaguely consequential.
There you go again.
Earl Scheibe was a gut who ran commercials in the goddamn eighties.
Dennis, this joke is older than Strom Thurmond's hip.
What's wrong with you?
Did you have a series of strokes?
Did you lose your ability to connect your cordical islands?
Can I call somebody for you?
It's the year 2003, Hairboy. Why don't you hire some new writers?
Swear to Koresh, I think if this was a heavyweight fight, it might
be time to wave in the ref to stop it.
I've long since stopped having a good time taking DM to the woodshed.
I feel like I'm punishing a retarded boy now. This has become cruels and inhumane.
There's also a geographical track record
to consider here. The good citizens of Ohio in the past have seen fit
to elect Jim Traficant to Congress and trust me, Traficant makes Springer look like Hammurabi.
Dennis, Traficant was a goof nobody liked because he always voted
with your heroes, the party of hard bigotry.
So I'm torn. I can't decide if Springer
is underqualified or overqualified. But here's My Final Thought.
One thing I do like about Springer is that he always manages to convey that he's a wee bit sheepish about it all.
Not sheepish enough to resist cashing the checks, mind you,
Dennis, you're the last guy on Earth who should be calling someone
else a sellout whore.
You've become the yardstick, well, you and Judas maximus, for selling out for the cash.
...but just enough to let you know that
he'd like to settle up his societal karma deficit as he heads into
the denouement of what has heretofore been a reasonably idiotic life.
Wheras you, in your borderline wisdom, chose to move from the
once funniest white man in America
to Bush the Moron Murderer's cabanaboy. Springer never had a show biz title to piss on - you did.
Additionally, maybe if we one day glimpse C-Span and see Jerry
Springer actually being sworn into the Senate it
will shock us--like Charlton Heston in "Planet of the Apes" looking up and seeing the chimp on top of the pony--
There you go again, another reference from the sixties. Why the
hell can't you write anything fresh, Dennis?
Did you make a deal with the Devil to be funny for 15 years, and now the Devil has collected so the best
you can do is recycle once-funny jokes from decades long past?
and trigger some much needed electoral reform. Say,
an IQ Quizometer on the door of the voting booth where
you have to get seven out of 10 current-events questions right before you're allowed in to cast your ballot.
All right, settle down, liberals. Make that four out of 10.
But Asshole, that means your hero Bush couldn't vote.
Remember, it was your joke that Bush couldn't outthink Lincoln after his brains were blown out.
That was back when you told the trutyh - remember what truth is, Dennis?
Well, I have to go now. I'm cutting the
ribbon this afternoon at the newly erected Morton Downey Jr.
Memorial and Secretary of the Interior Wally George is picking me up in 15 minutes.
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
I have no idea what a Wally George is, so I looked him up.
I was directed to http://www.wallygeorge.com/ but his page is as broken as your career, Dennis.
Your poor bastard - I once looked up to you, but then you turned
As Dylan says, "How does it feel?"
How does it feel to turn from hip SNL archorman to Bush's boy?
You poor bastard.
Mr. Miller is a comedian.
He is not.
Sidebar from Marty at BC Entertainment:
Wally George is a vicious, nasty little man.
"First gained notoriety as the host of an extreme right-wing TV talk show in Orange County, California,
who would have assorted "liberals, perverts and left-wing lunatics" on his show and insult them, berate them
and then throw them off. He gained even more notoriety when it became known that many of the "guests" on
his show were actors who were hired by George and his staff to play the assorted "loonies" (Rhonda Shear,
before she became host of "USA Up All Night, " was one of them). In one well-known incident, a young woman
who owned an agency that sent strippers to deliver telegrams appeared on his show; he hurled insults and abuse at her,
called her a "prostitute" and a "tramp" and threw her off the show. It later turned out that he had asked for her a date
before the show started and she turned him down."
Biography for Wally George
He's also the father of Rebecca De Mornay:
Biography for Rebecca De Mornay
although she doesn't have anything to do with him.
The LA Weekly did a major expose on him
back in the late 80's.
A vile, distasteful nazi who tested the waters & led the way for the vulgar Pigboy.
...and a role model for the once-funny Dennis Miller.
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