Week One NFL picks article
  by The Pigskin Padre

WARNING: The following information is for entertainment purposes only. Kind of like a Dubya "press conference." You don t expect Dubya to do anything when he talks about cleaning up corporate corruption, and I don t expect you to wager any REAL money on games of football. Ahem & that out of the way, let s get on to Week One!

Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars. Look for Peyton Manning to light up the Jax secondary in this opener. The Jags, who for years led the league in fundamentalist Christians per capita in the NFL, are reason enough to bet against them. Edgerin James will be fine, Peyton will have all day to throw, and the Jags will be writing their prayer petitions by the middle of the third quarter. Final score: Colts 38 Jaguars 13.

Houston Texans (+4) vs. Dallas Cowboys. New teams that open at home usually have great luck. They re higher than George Bush at a frat party, metaphorically speaking. The Texans are not a bad team, actually. They re having some growing pains, but QB David Carr is the real deal, and former Jacksonville Jag Fundy Fanatic Tony Boselli hasn t been around long enough to poison the rest of the team. By mid season, should Boselli get enough converts (as well as flaky fundy coach Dom "Don t Call Me St. Dominic" Capers) to turn the Texans into a bunch of sniveling, gutless, hate-filled KKKristians, we ll start advising our clients to bet against the Texans every game. But not today final from Houston: Texans 24 Cowboys 20.

Cleveland Browns (-3) vs. Kansas City Chiefs. Watch for Tim Couch to have a field day vs. mediocre Chiefs team.
Cleveland is one of the few places with a real homefield advantage, too. I like the Browns to really show up today.
Final score: Browns 22 KC 0.

BULLET TO THE HEAD GAME. This is a weekly feature we offer our clients. It means the game that you have to HATE yourself to bet on because there are too many intangibles and it can go big either way. The term comes from, "If you bet the game, you might as well sit with the gun to your head in case it goes to shit." This week s BHG Chicago Bears (-4) vs. Minnesota Vikings. Bears completely overrated, but playing at home&Vikings stink, but improved team chemistry by dumping "The Reverend" Cris Carter&Randy Moss can score four touchdowns or be 1-4 for 6 yards. Too unpredictable&stay away.

MONDAY NIGHT BAIL OUT GAME: Once I ve steered you wrong three times, and you re sure I can t possibly lose a fourth in one weekend, I give you my Monday Night Bail-Out Game. This is a tough, tough call, almost Bullet to the Head material. But it s the New England Patriots (pick) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers. New England is the better team here. When will Pittsburgh figure out that Kordell Stewart is more unstable than a Yugo full of nitroglycerin? Take the Pats unless Lee Greenwood sings the national anthem. If he does, go the other way & final:
Patriots 22 Steelers 19 (no Greenwood), Steelers 94 Patriots 2 (if Lee Greenwood sings).

Good luck, Peace, and donate a portion of your winnings to the liberal candidate,
church, or WEBSITE <ahem, ahem> of your choice.

Fr. Mushroom, The Pigskin Padre

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