First of all, they announce that they're only having two guests, Billy Crystal & Britney Spears.
 So what do they do?   They have on Bill Crystal for three segments, and then she came out
 and did a song and a 45-second chat as Dave said goodbye.

 Any way you slice it, Spears is ten times bigger than Billy Crystal will ever be,
 so it seemed odd to have her stuck backstage while Billy talked baseball with Dave.

 Don't get me wrong, I don't even like watching Britney perform.
 I cringe when she performs because she's so totally and completely talentless.
 Take away the won-life's-lottery genetic factors and her apparent ease on stage
 and she makes Roger Clinton look talented by comparison.
 She can't sing and she can't dance.
 I think she does her best work in still photography.
 That way, you can't hear her.
 But either way, her career dwarf's Crystals several times over, but I guess that's show biz.

 So she sang I'm a Slave 4 You, (a Prince song, for Koresh's sake) doing her nasty little dance.

           "I wanna do what you want me to do."

 Then she proceeded to touch herself in "mortal sin" places,
 right there on the TV where young boys could watch her.

 Jesus, when I was a kid, all we had was Kitty Carlisle and Aunt Bee.
 ...but then came the funny part.   She danced over to Dave.

 ha ha

 Here's a half-dressed, teen stripper shaking her moneymaker at Dave
 and Dave dosn't like to be fussed over.
 Dave appeared more nervous than Jason Alexander's agent.
 He'd rather be at a week-long kegger at Rosie O'Donnell's house.

 So she's standing there, gyrating her pelvis for Dave, giving him the business.
 Shades of Drew Barrymore!

Dave probably figured, "I survived quintuple bypass, I can survive this."
 About the time she came around the desk, Dave started sweating bullets.
 "Please God, make her go away. I hope Mom's not watching..."

 The light man didn't follow her too well, making me think
 this desk assault wasn't in the rehearsal she did earlier in the day.

 So the pop tart is bumping and grinding for poor old Dave,
 and he's acting like he wants to be in another city real bad.

 Finally, she settled down and went back to her mark,
 and the song ended and Dave wiped his brow.

 Back from commercial, she's seated, talking with Dave.

 Check out the little girl body language.
 I think they keep her in pants because she looks like she'd
 pull her dress up over her head if she was wearing one.

 Then, Dave confessed his obvious panic.

"When you and the kids danced over to me, I was startled.
  In my entire life I've never had a group of kids dance over to me when
  the outcome wasn't that I was beaten silly. It was a pleasant surprise
  I was apprehensive at first, but then it turned out to be just fine.
  ...and you're going to be twenty years old pretty soon?  Oh, Man!"

 Poor Dave.
 Last thing he needs is another heart episode.

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