Dear poor person:
As a less than rich person in this country, you know that we as a nation
challenges, both from within and without. Most problems, however, have their origins outside
our borders, and we need your help if this country is going to continue to stand tall and
continue to be the leader of the Free World.
We in the United States have enjoyed our status as the most powerful
and productive nation
in the history of the world. It is a position we have cherished and worked hard to protect. But
without your help, that could all change.
We here at N.E.R.F. (Network of Evil Rich Fuckers) have heard the call
and are rising to the challenge.
We have heard the call from on high and are responding with every resource available.
We do not believe that you want to live in a world where the United
States is the whipping
boy of the corrupt United Nations and the godless Chinese. Not to mention the vodka
drinking Russians. The press from practically every other nation on the planet is against our
great country and we find ourselves under attack from many of our supposed allies, who are
showing their true colors now that we finally have the kind of presidency that this great nation deserves.
We find most nations opposed to our policies, from our plans for the
environment to our
sweeping vision to implement technology to insure the security of the United States against
the heathen rest of the world. These nations refuse to submit to their status as second class
nations to the United States. This is a recent development caused by the lax policies of our last
former President who had the unmitigated audacity to allow these people to believe they actually matter.
N.E.R.F. recognizes this threat from outside our borders and does not
intend to stand idly by.
We appeal to you as fellow Americans and rely on your sense of national pride in helping us
to deal with this outrageous turn of events.
What We Need You To Do
We have enough problems from outside our borders without the citizens
of this country opposing us.
We need to have all our resources to be free to fight the godlessness which threatens us at every turn.
You have received this message as someone who is not wealthy because there are ways you can do your part.
N.E.R.F. has several ways in which you can help us keep our standing as the greatest nation in the history of this planet.
The first thing you can do is to stop contacting your representatives
insisting that sanctions
be imposed on our efforts to do what is necessary to keep this economy geared to help us
amass more and more wealth. It is imperative that you cease your whining about the quality
of air, water, food, etc. When you whine about these things, you make the price of buying
your representatives go higher and higher. When we are forced to pay more to buy the
government, we have less to spend on luxuries for ourselves.
Secondly, it is imperative that you quit demanding to be paid more for
working for us and our
friends. The next time you complain about the minimum wage, you would do well to
remember all the other countries where we own corporations. In most of those countries,
people are willing and eager to work for $1.50 an hour if not for a DAY. We can prove it; we
write the checks. You should be thrilled to work in a country that has businesses kind enough to
pay its workers UP TO 30 TIMES what we pay in other countries.
Does that not make you ashamed of yourselves? To atone, tomorrow
you can approach your employer,
renounce your salary and benefits, and work for $1.50. If you are truly patriotic, you will work for free.
Third, you must stop insisting on having elections and getting laws
passed that help you and
punish us. We finally have a fine man in the White House who understands how difficult it is
to be rich in this country. Frankly, you are one of the biggest problems we have, insisting on
affordable health care, affordable housing, affordable medicine, and your whole selfish
laundry list. When you are screaming for these things, take one moment to reflect and ask
yourself: Affordable to whom? You may want to pay less for these things, but if you do, that
means we MAKE LESS. That makes it harder for us to afford the finer things we've grown
accustomed to and to pass on enormous wealth to our own children, who frankly, need to be
rewarded for being our children in the first place. You must stop resisting the efforts of our
good people in the government to help us with our problems.
Fourth, you must stop questioning television shows, advertisements and
simply must believe that we know what is best for you and everyone else in this country and
the world. That is why we are wealthy and you are not. We are in the best position to judge
for you what you should read, see, and believe.
But most importantly, you must immediately desist with your demands
that we should pay
more taxes than you. It simply does not make sense. Here is why: If we are forced to pay
several million dollars a year, that is out of proportion to what you pay. If the average
member of N.E.R.F. pays 5 or 10 million dollars in taxes and you only have to pay 6 or 7
thousand, how is that fair? You still have several thousand dollars to get you by. We know
this is true, because we write your paychecks. Being poor people you have no idea what a
strain it is to maintain several residences with servants, golf courses, tennis courts, yachts,
and color co-ordinated Rolls Royces, let alone private chauffers and gourmet chefs. And the
price of private jets is skyrocketing all the time.
We need our humongous incomes if we are to stay on top in this world.
If you will stop your
foolishness, we can bring the rest of the world to its knees and make them see how wrong
they are. When the rest of the world sees how well some of us in this country are living, they
will hang their heads in shame for trying to impose their petty, small-minded standards on us,
and they will see that it is in everyone's best interest that wealthy Americans must stay on
top. What message would it send if we were all in the same income range? How would they
know that we are winners? On the other hand, what will it tell them when they see a few
thousand of us living better than any king or queen in the rest of their flea-bitten world? That
is simply God's pre-ordained will, and the way the world is supposed to work.
By now, we here at N.E.R.F. think you may be starting to get the picture.
You may be asking
asking yourself if there isn't something else you can do besides the steps we've outlined
above. It turns out that there is. Just follow the simple steps below.
Submit by return e-mail a form declaring what
your gross income this year up to now is,
and the balances of your checking and savings accounts. We will know if you are telling
the truth; we write your paychecks and own your bank.
Send that amount in the return envelope which will be provided for you.
Then go on and live your life, or die in the gutter. We don't care what you do after you
send your donation.
To the ones of us who planned ahead and had the foresight to inherit
our wealth, we will be
grateful to you for doing your part to keep this great nation great. Your donation is not tax
deductible, but will help us in our fight. We know you are not smart enough to be trusted with
any amount of money; if you were smart, you wouldn't be poor.
We cannot win this important battle until you comply with our wishes.
There is a war to be
won and we cannot win until a few of us own every penny and every inch of this country.
The going will not be easy, but that is the sacrifice that N.E.R.F.
is ready to make for you.
We must move NOW to ensure a better world for a few of us. We are asking nicely this time.
Don't make make us ask again.
The Network Of Evil Rich Fuckers