Jeepers, Freepers, Where'd you get those Creepers?

An open letter to the Free Republic:
By Bryan Zepp Jamieson
Folks, first off, I want to commend you on your daring and profoundly
patriotic stand against the ultra-left-wing woman who called the police
at Chuy’s, a move that clearly was meant to harass and humiliate
America’s greatest current President.

 Good work!  And let me tell you, you really got those pinko gays all
stirred up.  Here’s what one limp wrist liberal at the left-wing
American Political Journal, Pamela Parker, had to say

 “The attacks against Mia Lawrence, the bar manager, are being
orchestrated on the Internet. Her address, date of birth, drivers
license and registration information, physical description, and even
birth information about her infant child have been posted on, along with calls for punitive actions. website's sysop pulled some of the information as it
was called to his attention -- to his credit -- but the info has circulated and
been posted to other Internet forums to spread the "Get Lawrence" frenzy.

 “Bush supporters have obliquely and directly called for Lawrence to be
punished -- publicly humiliated, fired from her job, impoverished, and
exposed to risky and dangerous situations.”

You know how left wingers like to whine and whine and whine.  This
Parker woman (and maybe we should teach her a little lesson and get her
social security number out on the web) went on to cry about some
harmless pranks that good, upstanding members suggested, like Tracer
proposing identity theft (Hey!  Just what I suggested for Parker!  Great
minds think alice, Trace!), or Eva, who suggested freepers follow
restaurant staff around and pounce if they serve alcohol to anyone who
looks underage.  I really like that one, because that will make liberals
whine about how businesses should be allowed to function without undue
interference, and won’t it be fun making them look stupid over that
one!  Robomatic suggested dumping that really bad-smelling stuff around
in the restaurant, like they did in some of those baby-killing factories
up north.  Not a bad idea, but Rob, you should know that the stuff isn’t
harmless.  It can cause severe irritation of mucous membranes (the gunky
parts of the body, like your eyes and inside your nose) and abdominal
damage.  Good American cops will have to go in and investigate, and you
don’t want to put them at risk.  Go easy.

Some genius put her bankruptcy filing up on Lucianne Goldberg’s
website.  That was really inspired.  We really should be collecting
information on anyone who is liberal, and saving it for any others that
might think about getting out of line.  And it’s not like it’s not
public information or anything.  Hah!  The broad was too stupid to buy
medical insurance, and went broke paying medical bills!

Parker cried about a whole bunch more stuff you guys suggested, making
the usual liberal noises about rights and so on.  But the way I see it,
if you go out of your way to embarrass and humiliate the President of
the United States, you just put a real serious dent in those “rights” my
friend.  Liberals need to know there is a price to be paid for messing
with our boy.

Now, there were a lot of good suggestions: spying on the staff 24/7,
and several folks posted phone numbers including cell phones and so on
so you all could call them at all hours and let them know what you
thought.  Great stuff, guys, and I’m really proud of you.

But there’s a lot of us, and we’ve been doing a pretty good job of
getting ourselves organized and getting the word out on stuff like
Chelsea Clinton getting popped for smoking and Hillary being a lesbian
and all, but it’s pretty minor league stuff, really.  I mean, there’s so
many of us, and we’re so cohesive and think so much alike, that we
really should be working on a more formal type of presence.

Imagine if a bunch of Freepers shows up at a Chuy’s to hassle the
liberals in the place and let people know that their type aren’t welcome
in our country.  So here we are, and we’re milling around wearing
Tshirts and jeans and baseball caps, and nobody really knows what we are
and what we represent, because nobody even thought to run us through a
few chanting drills first.  We go in, we raise a little fun hell, and we
leave, and people aren’t going to be saying, “Man, I’m glad Free
Republic is taking a stand on these things!”

No.  They’re going to be looking at each other and scratching their
heads, and figuring that we were just a bunch of jokers from the
football team at the college, getting drunk and letting off a little steam.
And the liberals?  Hell, all liberals sneer at jocks.  They’ll just be
laughing at us, the way they laugh at everything that doesn’t scare them.

So first thing, we need to think about a uniform.  Now, we don’t want
to be TOO aggressive on this, because, after all, it’s not like we’re going to
be going around and stomping people flat.  We’re just going to hassle a
few liberals, is all, and we don’t want good people misunderstanding us.

I suggest that the uniform be kinda low-key, and friendly.  Earth tones.
Beige, tan, maybe a light brown.  And just accent it with black belts and boots.
Of course, then we look like the boy scouts, so we need to think about some sort
of ID, something ON the uniform that will identify us as Free Republic people right away.

I think an armband would be ideal.  Red armband, so it will stand out,
with a white circle on the outside, outlined in black, and with the
letters “FP” inside.  Maybe one of the freepers with a little graphic
arts design experience can make the letters so they sort of fit in the
circle, and maybe make them a bit jaggedy, like lightening bolts.  We
can tell people that shows the power of Americans fighting for a just cause.

Tactics.  First, who is the enemy?

Liberals, of course.  They live in our country, eating our food,
getting rich off our people through their movies and books and stuff,
and taking our jobs away.  They are a cancer within our society, and
their presence only weakens American will and American purity.
They must be stopped.

So our message must be, over and over, that the Liberal is the enemy.
He wants to steal our money and our freedom, and sell us out to his communist masters.

We need to develop an in-house program so members can recognize
Liberals at a glance.  It’s a sad fact that some Liberals are wily and
crafty enough that to an unenlightened eye, they look and sound like
regular Americans!  It’s true.  Look at that guy Jeffords.  A good
Republican for 20 years­or so we thought.  Nope.  He was a secret
Liberal, just waiting for the right time to pounce, and weaken America!

Once we learn how to identify all the Liberals, we need to let them know that
we won’t take their aggressive socialism any more.  They aren’t going to be
allowed to turn our sons into faggots and our daughters into drunken sluts.
Not any more.  The days when they can run roughshod over decent,
hard-working Americans while they laugh and burn our Bibles is at an end, my friends!

So what I propose is that one particular night, we have demonstrations in every
American city and town.  Form parades!  March in your uniforms, and chant slogans
against Liberals and anyone else who would be an enemy to America!

And then, about midnight, we strike!  Attack every Liberal store and
church and home!  Smash the windows!  Use spray paint to write
“Liberals!” on their walls!  Rough them up a bit if they resist!  Show
them that we aren’t going to take their abuse any more!

Don’t worry about the cops and the military.  They’re with us.  Don’t
worry about the courts.  George W has been working hard to see to it
that courts from now on will have the right type of judges, those with
enough backbone to stand up for decent Americans who are fighting only
to protect our Constitution from the communist alien infiltrators that
call themselves “Liberals”!

One People!  One God!  One Nation!  One President!

Oh, it will be glorious!  We are brave!  We are strong!
We are willing to fight for the right!  We are unique!

People will be amazed!  History has never seen anything like us before!

With deep admiration and respect,
Patriotically yours,

Bryan Zepp Jamieson.

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