Laura's Old Man and Last Rites
    by Margaret Shemo

You speculated that Laura lays down a rule for others to follow because
she observed the rule in her own life.  But that's not how Laura operates.
"Do as I preach, not as I did" is her motto.  NOW she knows the "right thing"
 to do in every circumstance, but in her godless youth, she was too much of a
feminist (translation:  young, ambitious, unencumbered by ties to family or friends,
educated and as attractive as she'd ever be) not to do exactly as she pleased,
and to whomever she pleased.  NOW Laura says that women should not marry
men who are more than eight years older than they are.  But when Laura selected
her life's companion (for the second time in her life -- maybe she'd been born again),
he was more than 13 years older than she was.

Not to mention married, with three children.

Janet Wiscombe wrote an article on Dr. Laura for the LA Times Sunday Magazine, January 18, 1998.
And I quote:  "She [Laura] looks younger than her 51 years."  [Laura's birthday is in January.
She proclaims she's 54 years old now, so this article gives her age after her 1998 birthday.]
"'She's a bundle of  energy, shall we say,' says [Laura's husband, Lew] Bishop, 64."
[Maybe Lew had just turned 64, but it's more likely that his birthday falls during the last 49
weeks of the year, so he probably reached 65 in 1998. That would make him 68 this year,
or almost 14 years older than his wife.]

Of course, by laying down the "eight-year-rule," Laura could be
unconsciously expressing her regret over having married such an old guy.
After all, she's still a self-described hot babe who gets turned on by
"hard bodies."  Lew must be looking less and less attractive to her.
In recent days, she's been tearing into the "bums" who have additional
children after a divorce, because the children of second marriages rob
the children of first marriages of their fathers' time and money.

How do  you spell "bum"?
I hope she doesn't start battering him.
One  thing Lew wasn't, when Laura met him, was rich.  The attentions of an
older man might have salved Laura's vanity; she's said that her own father told
her she wasn't very attractive.  (Her mother, on the other hand, Laura
describes as having been "gorgeous."  Just Dad's type, apparently.  No
wonder Laura won't speak to her.)  This week Laura said she and Lew
have been married 17 years, giving credence to the old story that they were
"shacked up" together before Deryk was born.  Deryk is at least 15-1/2,
and he was the result of Laura's second pregnancy; the first was the
ectopic pregnancy she always throws up to callers to get them to stop
whining over the loss of a flesh-and-blood child.  If it weren't for
the fact that she's complained about her infertility problems (translation:
getting her tubes untangled), the more charitable among us could
believe that all those events occurred within 17 action-packed years.

Note: Don't you agree Laura should tell us the number of abortions she's had?
Is that why she had her tubes tied? So she could nail every drunken surfer in
California without having to pay for expensive, time-wasting abortions? - BC

On another subject:  I'm intrigued by the report that a priest administered "last rites"
to Timmy Jimmy McVeigh.  I looked up the subject in the Baltimore Catechism.

Did Timmy Jimmy receive the sacrament of "Extreme Unction," which is
administered to someone in danger of death?   It would have been highly
inappropriate for a fully conscious, unrepentant mass murderer to
receive this sacrament.  In addition to restoring the health of the sick person
-- but only when God sees fit to do so! -- Extreme Unction serves to
"comfort us in the pains of sickness and to strengthen us against temptation
and to remit venial sins and to cleanse our soul from the remains of sin."
Venial sins were the LEAST of Timmy Jimmy's worries.  Killing the born
still qualifies as a mortal sin, and just one of those will get you
your ticket to Hell.  Extreme Unction "takes away" mortal sin only "if the
dying person is no longer able to confess, provided he has the sorrow
for his sins that would be necessary for the worthy reception of the
Sacrament of Penance."  I suspect that the Soldier of EIB cracked -- at the
last minute, hidden from the view of his crackpot supporters, Timmy Jimmy
begged forgiveness and confessed his sins to a man in a dress.

ha ha

If not, a priest's giving Timmy Jimmy "last rites" was about as efficacious, in
the mind of a believer, as my sprinkling him with vinaigrette would have been .
Either the priest made a mockery of his own vocation and his own faith,
or Timmy Jimmy's nerve failed.  He did a reverse Jimmy Cagney --
pretending to be cool on the way to execution, in fact he was terrified.

Just think -- if we're good, then after we die, we'll see Timmy Jimmy in
Heaven.  But first he'll have to serve some time in Purgatory:
"Purgatory is a state in which those suffer for a time who die guilty of venial sins,
or without having satisfied for the punishment due to their sins."
(A state like Oklahoma?)  Catholics can satisfy God for the temporal
punishment due to sin by "Prayer, Fasting, Almsgiving; all spiritual
and corporal works of mercy, and the patient suffering of the ills of life."
(Would "the ills of life" include capital punishment?)

By the way, there's good news from the Roman Catholic Church for people
without health insurance and the deserving poor!  "The ills of life that help to
satisfy God for sin are sickness, poverty, misfortune, trial, affliction, etc.,
especially, when we have not brought them upon ourselves by sin."
(So that's why we needed welfare reform -- to prepare poor kids for a quick trip to Heaven!)
Note, however, that the poor must suffer "the ills of life" without complaint,
so as not to disturb Dick Cheney, lest their suffering have no spiritual significance.

It's a safe bet Timmy was completely sincere once he got a look at that needle.
He almost certainly is in Heaven, according to the rules of the game.

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