We the, greedy corporations, do hereby provide you, the consumers;
with the list of things we will permit you to do.  Any rights not
expressly granted within these confines are hereby rendered the sole
discretion of the HMO, and frankly, we don't give a shit about you.

1.  The Consumer (herein, referred to as "You") has the right to see
whatever doctors the HMO (herein referred to as  "we") see fit, when
we see fit, if we decide to see fit.  If our non-medically trained clerks
decide that you have violated your agreement, by seeing a doctor without
our express written approval, or for an ailment we have not recognized,
we will immediately render your health insurance null and void, and remove
your firstborn from your care to guarantee our payment.  (Those patients
lacking a firstborn will have the forcible removal of a (one) pound of flesh.)

2.  If we do not recognize the treatment your doctor recommends, we
will deny it.  It is not important that we use cost sheets to determine the
validity of a treatment.  If we do not feel it is necessary for your survival,
we will not cover it.  You have the right to, but there is no use arguing.
You will be dead by the time your appeals are finished. Don't even try,
despite what you've seen in John Grisham novels, we have scores of lawyers
who will tie up any appeals in court until your grandchildren are in nursing homes.

3. Women, you have the right to force us to pay for your Birth Control pills,
but we still have the right to make you jump through hoops to get them.
We will still make you file repeated claims for reimbursement, and we will
rarely inform pharmacies that your pills are now on our "covered" lists.
Let this be a lesson to you that just because you petition Congress and win
legislation, does not mean that you control us.  We are your only option.
Remember that the next time you want expanded prenatal coverage and
better mammography techniques, and show some respect.

4.  Men, you have the full right to any and all procedures that will enhance your
performance sexually.  No questions asked.  We want you to continue dominating
women through the use of your penises, and we say; "Screw 'em if they don't like it"
that's what they get for that whole "birth control pills" thing.

5.  You have the right to get a second opinion.  However, prior to
getting that second opinion, you must complete 17 pages worth of
forms, in triplicate, get them notarized by a one-legged woman named
Bonita, they must be signed in fresh pigeon's blood, and delivered by
a virgin.  If you neglect to do so exactly, your second opinion, and
consequent treatment will become your financial responsibility.

6.  We reserve the right to require you to do outlandish things in order
to get the proper medications.  If it is cheaper for us to pay for .5 milligram
pills, and your prescription is for .25, you will be getting the .5 milligram pills
and cutting them in half.  Do not quibble with us.  Do not get your doctor
to tell us that it is medically necessary.  We do what is fiscally responsible,
and quite frankly, don't give a damn about you, your doctor, or anything other
than our new Lexus and whether or not we can take our 18 year old
mistresses to Nassau for the weekend.  Comprende?

7.  You have the right to give the vast majority of your insurance
premiums straight to our CEO.  His address is as follows:
             Roger Lamprey
             1323 Bloodsucking Way
             Rube, VA 54722
Roger prefers small, unmarked bills, in sequential order.  You also
have the right to give your donations directly to the Republican Party.
In the message line of your check, please make the notation "Insurance Lobby".

8.  You have the right to be kept in the dark about the status of
your treatment.  We will keep both your doctor and you completely
clueless as to whether or not we will cover your treatment.
Ultimately, it will be denied, unless you are famous and/or high
profile.  (Though if you are either of those, why are you using our HMO?
Besides, death does wonders for fame.) We reserve the right to lead you on,
and make you think that perhaps you will get the treatment, but the end
result will be either your death, or the denial of the claim.

9.  You reserve the right to visit the emergency room anytime you want.
We reserve the right not to pay for it.  We have strict definitions of the
term "emergency" and chances are, your "emergency" isn't going to cut it.
We advise you to first try to "walk it off" until your primary care physician's
office is open, or has an available appointment.  Failure to do so, and/or
failure to get all "emergencies" pre-approved by our offices (during regular
business hours) will result in a permanent revocation of all coverage for
you and your descendants for the next 100 years.

10.  You have the right to bitch, moan, write your Congressman,
protest in the streets, and do whatever it takes to bring us down.
We'd love to see you try.  It's good for a laugh, and gives our CEO's
a break from raping toddlers, selling crack, secretly painting all
Canadians as Communists, and buying off your politicians.