MORAL FIBER
    by R.B. Ham
 

COMMERCIAL SCRIPT
 
Background - (Quiet, patriotic music, Souza perhaps)
Setting Ė (Inside of home, kitchen and bathroom)
 
Opening Ė Cue In on Right Wing Shill sitting at kitchen table.
                Prominently displayed, a box of New and Improved Moral Fiber breakfast cereal
 
Shill Ė Hello, fellow Americans. Iím Right Wing Shill and I LOVE New and Improved Moral Fiber.
As a matter of fact, I canít get enough Moral Fiber. And thatís the down home, out-of-the-Beltway truth.
So help me God. Moral Fiber provides a nutritionally balanced breakfast as a way to jump start your busy day.
Never mind those stories of addictive substances being found in New and Improved Moral Fiber, the NEW
head of the FDA cleared our product. Itís so sad that the old Director met his end in that particularly
gruesome accident. Still, the Sharks were happy.  Moral Fiber will give you that energy boost you really
need to help you make it through another day of unfulfilling, mind numbing and back breaking toil.

Genetically engineered and loaded with chemicals even Bill Moyers hasnít heard of. Ha ha.
That Bill, what a wacko, eh? (spins finger in circle near ear). Donít worry, itís irradiated.
Nothing survives irradiation. Except Chernobyl. Ha ha.
I joke, but you neednít worry, we have exactly zero Communists working at our Plant. That you can bet on.

The best part of Moral Fiber? It tastes horrible, and we all know that if it tastes horrible, it MUST be good for you.
(Camera zooms in as Shill sprinkles some cereal from box onto hand)

And look at this. See how each grain of cereal is exactly the same as the other, no non-comformists here!
Ho ho. Look, see how perfectly square Moral Fiber is, and see how razor sharp the edges are. If you can
handle swallowing our New and Improved Moral Fiber, youíll be able to swallow anything.
( Shill gets up and grabs nearby newspaper, Washington Times byline prominently displayed )

And for all you radical leftist eco-terrorists out there, follow me.
( Camera follows Shill to bathroom, Shill goes in, closes door, but leaves it open a crack,
so you can hear what heís saying. Camera films door. You hear some grunts, a belt and zipper being undone,
then a slap as he sits down on unseen toilet). As you can hear ( grunts and groans, flatulence, then a distinct
Ďplopí and Ďsplashí) Moral Fiber promotes the cycle of life.

Exactly like Living Saint Ronald Reaganís trickle down theory. The by product of Moral Fiber goes directly
into the waste disposal system, stimulating the economy. (Toilet flushes, door opens, Shill goes back to kitchen,
picks up box of cereal) Be sure and eat some New and Improved Moral and Fiber every day.
And itís especially good for young children. Force feeding Moral Fiber to children gives them a good start in life,
the more Moral Fiber they consume, the more they will be able to compete in the future stark business climate.

Donít listen to those psycho-(raised eyebrow) analysts and fancy pants psycho-(chuckle) ologists.
They say that force feeding New and Improved Moral Fiber to children may cause deep-rooted mental problems
down the road. However, thankfully we have chosen to hire as our Childrenís Sales Advisor the pre-eminent
physiologist Doctor Laura Schlessinger. She also agrees that too much Moral Fiber is never enough.
(Close up, camera zooms in on face) So take it from an unimpeachable (smirks and sneers)  source,
New and Improved Moral Fiber is the only cereal you will ever need. Weíll make sure of it.

Together, we will unite in our love for New and Improved Moral Fiber. Whether you like it or not.
(Camera fades out, music rises in a crescendo, last image is of KKK member holding a box of Moral Fiber).
 
 
 

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