Riiiing!!
Receptionist: Doubleday. May I help you?
Caller: I have an idea for a great book.
Let me speak to an editor.
Receptionist: Hold on. You can speak to Mr. Grey.
Grey: Grey, here.
Caller: This is Agent Aldrich. I've been
working at the
White House for three years, and I have a book for you.
I've seen awful, terrible behavior by the Clinton's.
Grey: Good God, man.
Can you
come right over?
Aldrich: I can be there in 30 minutes.
Grey: Don't let yourself be followed.
Aldrich: I'm FBI, goddammit.
Nobody tails me.
Grey: Aldrich, if you're murdered in the next half hour,
I'll see
to it Hillary is brought to justice!
Thirty minutes later....
Grey: Good to meet you, Agent Aldrich.
Hillary wasn't
able to assassinate you, thank God.
Let's use this
room. It's a secure area.
OK, tell me
what you have.
Aldrich: Not so fast. Let's talk cash.
How much can I make if the book is a big success?
Grey: I'd say mid-six figures, from $400,000 to $750,000.
That's ...if
your stuff is hot!
Aldrich: Wow! It is, Sir.
I'm ready to talk.
Grey: So, what kinds of stuff did you see?
Aldrich: It's terrible over there. I couldn't
believe it.
Those teenagers don't know what they're doing.
Some of them wear their hair long!
I thought I saw an earring on one guy. Imagine that!
They put their feet on the desk, and everything.
They dress like they're going to a movie.
Grey: What about the Clinton's personally?
Aldrich: Well, Clinton eats like a horse.
And Hillary!
Whooo boy, does SHE have a temper.
A few months ago, the chef served pork chops to the
Isreali ambassador and Hillary threw a fit!
She said the chef needed to "pay attention."
These Clintons, they'll walk over anybody!
Grey: That's it?
These
are your startling revelations?
Aldrich: Well...there's MORE!
They listen to the Rock and Roll.
Plus, the endless charades.
Bill and Hillary sometimes hold hands and hug
when they're alone - just in case somebody
suddenly walks in the room. They're so fake!
Grey: Aldrich, we need something HOT to make money.
Aldrich: What do you mean "hot?"
Grey: For instance, did Clinton ever screw around?
Aldrich: No, not even once.
Grey: You'd know if he did? For sure?
Aldrich: Of course.
That's my job.
I'm Secret Cervix.
I was INSIDE the White House.
Grey: I like the ring of that - INSIDE the White House.
Did you ever
see him enter a room with a woman?
Aldrich: No, not unless others were there, too.
Grey: Aldrich, that half a million dollars is starting
to get up and
walk away from you. Don't you want it?
We can't sell
books without dirt.
Let's try it
this way:
Do you have
kids?
Aldrich: Yes, two boys, 8 and 10 years old. Why?
Grey: Would you be willing to guarantee, on the lives of your
two boys,
that Clinton
has never cheated on Hillary since he's been in the White House?
Aldrich: Well...no, I can't be 1,000% certain
of that.
Jesus, I'd never risk my children's lives on...
Grey: Good!! Now we're onto something!
Aldrich: We are?
Grey: Have you ever heard any rumors that Clinton slept around as President?
Aldrich: Sure. David Brock says it all the time.
Grey: Good. This is going to work out wonderfully.
Aldrich: But Mr. Grey, none of that stuff is true.
Grey: Doesn't matter.
With the Clinton's,
we have a new way of reporting. You see,
until 1992,
we had a very strict policy: "Always get two sources."
In 1993, we
went to a "one source" policy.
In 1994, we
went to a completely new policy.
It's called,
"Fuck it. We hear it, we print it."
Hell, how do
you think Paula Jones made her money?
Aldrich: You mean Paula Jones is lying?
Grey: Oh, Christ! And you work for the FBI?
Of COURSE Paula
Jones is lying. What are you, stupid?
She made out
like Jesse James, but ...back to you.
What else do
you have?
What's the last
thing you worked on at the White House?
Aldrich: It was early December. I guarded the foyer when Hillary decorated the Christmas tree.
Grey: Christmas tree.. Christmas tree...
.....not much to work with there.
Wait! I know!!
Did you see Hillary with any X-Rated Christmas tree ornaments?
Aldrich: What?
X-rated what?
Ha ha.
Oh, please.
Get Real.
Grey: I AM real Aldrich. I'm real ready to write you an advance check for $100,000 right now.
Aldrich: Fine, but X-Rated Christmas ornaments?
In the goddamn White House?
Who'd buy it?
Grey: The red-meat crowd on the far-right, that's who.
The Limba-Liddy
crowd.
They'll buy
fucking ANYTHING that's anti-Clinton.
They'll buy
it if YOU say it's true.
Jesus, you're
FBI!
Aldrich: But it's NOT true.
Grey: Remember your kids.
If you're willing
to bet their lives that she has no
X-Rated ornaments,
well.... you're not much of a father.
Aldrich: I.... I... guess I'm in.
When do we start?
Grey: "We're" already done. Just sign these papers and our writers
will start on your book.
Congratulations.
You're a published author.
Aldrich: You don't want me to help write my own book?
Grey: Not necessary. All you have to do is go on Meet the Press
and Brinkley and swear
that everything
in the book is true. That....and go to the bank. Ha
Ha.
Aldrich: And you're sure this is legal and ethical?
Grey: I guarantee it's legal, son.
I'm an attorney.
This is what
I do for a living.
As far as ethical,
grow up.
We're the press.