Adventures With Jeff

I have met and partied with Rush Limbaugh.
It's true methane breath.

"Getthefuckoutta here," you say!  Of course when I knew him, he went by the
alias of "Jeff Christie."  This was back in the "old daze." Late 1974, 1975.
I met "Jeff" through a mutual friend. "Jeff" was fresh off the turnip truck
from Bootheel, Missouri. My buddy was the all night DJ at KUDL FM, a great
"underground" radio station in Overland Park, Kansas. We were all partyers in
those daze and Jeff was a major league party animal. He was a tall, dorky
kid, slightly overweight just trying to fit in. "Jeff" was a prankster even then.
He would ask someone for a 10 or 20 dollar bill to show them a trick.

Today those bills would be like a $1000 dollars. He would then take the bill
and stuff it down the back of his pants and wipe his ass with it. He then
would attempt to give the bill back to it's owner and say, "You want this
back?" He often picked up extra change doing that. I always thought about
that trick when I would see people lick the cocaine traces off a $20 bill
they had just snorted through.

To hang with us, you had to be a party animal. We didn't trust you if you
didn't. Late nights at KUDL were fun. When "Jeff" was working out of his own
bag, he would roll up a slim, wave it around, and yell, "Cigar, cigarette, Tiparillo?"

It was a take-off on a commercial of the time. When "Jeff" worked out of someone
else's bag, he would roll up a Jamaican Joint, mon. In tribute to Bob Marley, mon.
I think they call them "blunts" now. That bootheel Gomer could puff up a cloud.
"Jeff" told us his dad owned a "nationwide circuit" of radio stations and he was
in town to check out KUDL. "Jeff" was a great embellisher, even then.

One night we had to go pick up "Jeff" from a Kansas 3.2 beer bar.
You see he didn't have a car. We picked up "Jeff" and he was shit-faced.
He proceeded to light up a slim and puff up a cloud. I was driving my sainted ma's
brand new 1975 AMC Hornet station wagon. I told "Jeff" to knock it off.
He puffed away.

"Jeff" then said, "Anyone  want some more beer and pizza?"
Shortly thereafter, I heard this noise, it sounded like he said "buick."
The guys in the back seat yelled, "Oh Christie!"  "Jeff" had vomited all over the
floor and back seat of the car. Beer and pizza! Even then you could tell he had
comedic aptitude. There on the floor was a huge pile of oozing Limbaugh.

Did I mention this was a brand new car?

I got everyone dropped off and until 4 a.m. in the morning I was cleaning out my
ma's brand new car. The next day my ma said the car smelled like cleaning fluid.
I told her the guys got some mud on the carpet and I had cleaned it up.
She told me what a good son I was.

"Jeff" went on to get a job at KFIX, a new country and western station in the area.
The station lasted about 6 months. "Jeff" then got a job with the Kansas City Royals
baseball club. He was George Brett's designated driver. The next time I saw "Jeff"
we were down at the Happy Buzzard in Westport, a club area.

Brett was there working out with 8 oz. arm curls of Heineken.
So was "Jeff" He saw us and came over. Told us he was getting a lot of 'tang
from Brett's leftovers. What a story teller!  He was knocking back double 7&7's.

All of sudden he had the strangest look on his face and suddenly he hurls a
streaming line of vomit on my friend's arm. My buddy wiped his arm on "Jeff's" shirt.
"Jeff' pushed my friend, my buddy slugs "Jeff," and a ruckus ensues.
We got out of there. That was the last time I saw or heard "Jeff" vomit.

I wrote about these stories and others in my book, "Greatest Puke Stories"
published by Miramax. Perhaps you read it?

People often ask me, "Brain Smasher," why didn't I document all this?
How was I to know he was to become famous?
I don't think crusted 25 year old vomit is much evidence.
Besides, if I had known then, what I know now, I would not have sold off
my 1973 Plymouth Hemi 'Cuda Convertible for $1800!

This piece was written using the Lucicypher Ann Goldberg/Bob Woodward style
manual. It contains True Lies, True Rumors, facts, and a compilation of the
"Best Of" Brain Smasher's Recollections. You know I would never lie to you,
so as they say, "You make the call!"  But if you ever get to talk with
"Jeff," ask him what he did with Cheech & Chong's Big Bambui rolling paper!

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