Sept. 11, 2000
Dear Makers of Brummel & Brown sandwich spread, Scott toilet tissue, and
Summer's Eve ... (well I don't really have to say what y'all make, now do I?):
I just finished watching the debut episode of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's
show (actually, I finished watching it eight hours ago. It's only now that I've
managed to stop my head from maniacally spinning).
And I am writing to beg you to stop sponsoring this absolute outrage in
daytime TV's clothing. Immediately! Right this second! Chop chop!
Monday's episode upset me so very profoundly that unless you withdraw
your support right this second, I will never purchase your products again. OK,
so I can't recall ever buying them before. But, still, I could feasibly buy them in
the future. Not that I think I'd ever try that Brummel & Brown goo, though.
That stuff looks nasty.
But back to Dr. Laura.
I was not offended by the show's cruelty, hate, finger-pointing and
I was offended by the total lack of it! And the lack of anything remotely
interesting or controversial.
The show is appallingly ... dull.
Now, the action could have heated up over the past few days, but I refused
to watch. I can only write with knowledge about Monday's show.
The topic: "Teens and Drugs: What to Do?" I know what it made me want to
do -- down a sandwich bag of speed with bourbon to stay awake.
Even the California cops who appeared on the show to be expertly seemed
Dr. Laura: "Where do teen-agers get the drugs?
Listless Cop: "From drug dealers."
What's more, she let the guy live! She drew not even a drop of his blood!
The patent holder of the Spoken Headlock just nodded -- eyes wide, mouth shut
-- as she did through much of the hour when she wasn't motherly pawing her
Further proof that this is not the Dr. Laura we all know and love-hate:
opted not to thump Mike, a 17-year-old recovering drug addict, and just
punished him by giving him a hug and an ugly "Dr. Laura's Warrior" T-shirt.
Who let the red-blazer-black-mock-turtleneck-and-Star-of-David-necklace-wearing
Teletubbie in the studio? And what did it do with Dr. Demon Lady?
Maybe Schlessinger suffers from Radio Personality Disease: She's all sinew
behind the microphone. But thrust her out into the open, and she's the gal who
didn't get asked to the prom.
Nah, scratch that. Anyone who saw her steamy nekkid Internet pictures a
while back knows that Dr. Laura is not particularly shy in front of the camera.
More than likely, New Laura's made-for-TV personality transplant was
designed to quell any further opposition from the gay community -- the one that
Old Laura called "deviant" -- that convinced several big-name would-be
advertisers to bow out.
New Laura tactic: If you can't beat them, bore them.
Kind of makes one wish that New Laura could call up Old Laura for a good
old-fashioned radio flogging.
New Laura: Hi, Dr. Laura? My name is Laura. You see, I've got this
show and the gay community doesn't like me ...
Old Laura: Oh, so I see -- so we're here on this earth to be liked?
popular is the goal in life?
New Laura: No, but, you see, if I don't play nicey-nice, no companies
will advertise with my show ...
Old Laura: Oh, so being popular and having money are the goals in
life ... I see. Lady, you've got problems. Your priorities are way out of
whack. Grow up! Stop being such a coward. And go buy my books while
you're at it.
I thank you for taking time to read my concerns and urge you to take a
against this truly repugnant show.
Oh, and if you can't honor my request, would you send me some samples? I
can't in good conscious buy your products, but hey, if they come free in the mail
P.S. Please, no samples of that Brummel & Brown stuff, though.
Do the right e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org