Bob Dole Calls DR. Laura    Summer 1996

(This will work better if you know who Dr. Laura is.)

"I'm Dr. Laura and up next is....Bob. Hi, Bob!"

Bob: Hi, Dr. Laura

DL: So, what's up?

Bob: Well, I'm at a crossroads in my life and I need help
         with a big decision. I'm looking at a new job that
         will mean more time away from my family than my current job.
         You see, my first wife...

DL: Hold on. You voice is very familiar.
        Have you called this show before?

Bob: No.

DL: How old are you?

Bob: 73

DL: How old is your wife?

Bob: 55

DL: Any kids?

Bob: One daughter

DL: How old is she?

Bob: I'm not sure 38... maybe 40....

DL: You don't know how old your daughter is?
        You sound like a great dad.

Bob: Thank You

DL: I was being sarcastic.
       How did your first marriage break up?

Bob: You know how it is.

DL: I don't read minds. I DON'T know how it is.

Bob: This little lady came along and caught my eye
         ... it was those short skirts she used to wear,
         you know the ones with the slit up the side...

DL: You found a younger woman, you mean.
        You sound like a real winner.

Bob: Thank you.

DL: I was being sarcastic, again.
       So you dumped your wife and kid?

Bob: Well, I feel that my view is that....

DL: Whoa, slow down. We speak English on this show.
        Jeez, you sound like a politician.

Bob: She dumped me when she found out about Liddy,
         I, ...I, ...I mean the girl with the slit skirts

DL: You sound like a professional man.
        What do you do for a living, Bob?

Bob: Uh.. Uh.... I have a law degree.

DL: Oh, perfect! So you're going to law school while your wife works to pay bills.
        She gives you a daughter and you dump her like yesterday's trash?

Bob: Stop lying about my record!

DL: I admire your first wife. At least your daughter had ONE role model to look up to.
       You have a wife and daughter and you're out screwing every girl with her legs in the air?
       Perfect! I see your problem.
       It's called being a "Me-monkey."
       So then what. You shacked up with her?

Bob: I MARRIED her.

DL: Do you cheat on her, too?

Bob: Am I under oath?

DL: Nevermind. So how did your daughter turn out?

Bob: Why? She was 20 or so when I got thrown out.

DL: So, adultery is OK if your kids are grown?

Bob: Her mother says she turned out OK.

DL: You mean you don't know?

Bob: Look, I have a tough, time-consuming job.

DL: Men ALWAYS think their job is so important.
        I'll bet President Clinton knows how old HIS daughter is.
        Is your job more important than the president's?

Bob: Grrrrrrrrr

DL: NOTHING is more important than your family.
       What's wrong with you?

Bob: I... I...

DL: So what's your question for me?

Bob: Well, I just quit my job to get ready for the new job I want. You see I...

DL: You quit your job before the new job was offered?
        You're not very bright, are you?

Bob: It's OK, my pension plan puts me on easy street.

DL: How generous is it?

Bob: ...nosy bitch...

DL: What was that?

Bob: ...I ...I said "I'm quite rich."

DL: So how can I help you?

Bob: It looks like I won't be getting that new job.
         I want my old job back.

DL: So, go ask your boss.

Bob: It's not that easy.
        When I left, I made a big deal about how it was the right thing to do,
        and I'll look really stupid if I go back and ask for it now.

DL: Stupid is right. You burned a bridge?
        So how can I help you?

Bob: I just don't know what to do....

DL: Have you always had trouble making decisions?

Bob: Some people think so..

DL: I didn't ask what some people think.
        I asked YOU the question!

Bob: What's the question?

DL: Are you paying attention to me?
        Put the phone by your ear and LISTEN!
        Have you always had this much trouble making a decision?

Bob: I don't know how to answer that.

DL: Well, there's not much I can do for you.
        But I will say if you continue to place your ego and self-gratification above the welfare
        of your family, you can't be trusted to make decisions that affect other people.

Bob: But I...I...

DL: Now, go take on the day.

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