BartCop's 1999 Emmy Awards

Best Actor - Comedy Series

Frazier - Kelsey Grammer
Spin City - Michael Keaton
3rd Rock - John Lithgow
Mad About You - Paul Riser
Love Raymond - Ray Romano

Keaton is OK, but he played a Republican on that other show.
The other three put me to sleep, especially Paul Riser.

What a whore!
Getting $1,000,000 per episode and still plays the fool
in those lame long-distance commercials where he shows up everywhere.
If he shows up at BartCop Manor, he better be wearing body armor.

Frasier is the best-written, best acted comedy.

BartCop Pick - Kelsey Grammer for Frasier.


Best Actress - Comedy Series

Dharma and Greg - Jenna Elfman
Ally McBeal - Calista Flockhart
Love Raymond - Patricia Heaton
Mad About You - Helen Hunt
Sex in the City - Sara Jessica Parker

BartCop Pick - Calista Flockhart for Ally McBeal.

...because on this list, she's the girl I'd most like to do.
Trust me, every man in America bases their most crucial life decisions
depending on which girl he'd rather do and if he denies it, he's lying.
If the real estate agent is cute, he'll buy a goddamn house he doesn't even like.

Jenna doesn't to anything for me.  I like smart women.
Never saw Patricia Heaton.   Is she pretty?
Helen Hunt was cute in Twister and with Nicholson,
but if Paul Riser's there, I just turn the goddamn TV off.

...and whoever thought babies made a show funnier
should have to go work for Danny Quayle's failed campaigne.
Sara Jessica Parker could've been a finalist, but when you do a series on HBO
about Sex in the City, you contractually refuse to drop 'em, you lose my vote.

Best Actor - Drama Series

NYPD Blue - Dennis Franz
NYPD Blue - Jimmy Smits
Sopranos - James Gandolfini
The Practice - Dylan McDermott
Law & Order - Sam Waterston

Dennis Franz was great, but I'm tired of the bigot character.
To make things worse, Swear to Koresh, the trade papers say Sipowitz is
going to have a homosexual experience the coming year, no pun intended.
That's stomach-turning.

If Dylan McDermott and David Duchovny were going to have a homosexual affair,
I still wouldn't watch it, so I goddamn-sure don't want to see Dennis Franz's ass
and I don't want to see him kiss some other man because he misses Sylvia so much.
I'll miss Sylvia too, but not enough to kiss a man.

I'm pro-gay rights, but that's not my idea of entertainment.
Now, lesbians are another matter entirely.
Howard Stern speaks for all men when the subject is lesbians.

Back to the Emmy's...
Jimmy Smits?
I always liked him, going way back to his LA Law days, but I didn't like
his wimp-out exit.   That was bullshit, soap opera crap, and it didn't ring true.
Besides, on NYPD Blue, they all speak another language.

"Some scumbag skel is trying to get me jammed me up on some bogus slam."

Who talks like that?
If that's how New York really talks, Hillary could lose.

Dylan McDermott?
Getting more tail than Sinatra, so he's already won his Emmy.
I like the Sopranos guy, too, he's my second-best actor,
but Sam Waterston acts so strange, he seems like a real person.

When he gets surprised with some outrageous courtroom maneuver,
his shock and indignation are so real, he should win this year.

BartCop Pick - Sam Waterston for Law and Order


Best Actress - Drama Series

X-Files - Gillian Anderson
Sopranos - Lorraine Brocco
Sopranos - Edie Falco
ER - Julianna Margulies
Chicago Hope - Christine Lahti

BartCop Pick - Julianna Margulies for ER

Earthy, sexy, and smart,, she's a life-saver.
Makes great decisions in a panic - that's important if you party hard.

I like both Sopranos girls, just not enough.
Christine Lahti would be great - if I needed heart surgery.
Gillian Anderson is sexy and smart, and I respect her,
so all the nasty stuff I'd like to do with her would be inappropriate.

Comedy Series

Ally McBeal
Love Raymond
Sex in the City

OK, Raymond's out, never really saw the show.
I saw Ray Romano do a Democratic fund-raiser on C-Span, and he sucked.
Nobody laughed, his jokes were lame, and he needed writers really bad.
Sex in the City?  Never really saw it.

Ally McBeal is written the the master, David Kelley.
Kelley is the best!
St. Elsewhere, LA Law, Picket Fences, (which was a great, great show.)
Ally McBeal is a damn funny, laugh-out-loud show, but slightly babe-lacking.
The Fish's courtroom scenes are to die for.
They are the best!
Frasier is the funniest show of the five but again, low on babes.

Friends is the second-funniest show and has a double babe factor.
Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston should win Emmy's for Babeness.

BartCop Pick - Friends.


Drama Series

Law & Order
The Practice

ER lost their way this year.
Clooney left, and that new girl Kylie is really terrible.
That cute black woman with AIDS is leaving, and that leaves Nerdboy.
Anthony nobody, is the highest-paid actor on television, which is a goddamn crime.
He's the most lifeless actor I've ever seen, and I'm really old.
When he got beat up last year, I was rooting for the stomper.

NYPD Blue was once at the top, but I won't even watch them anymore.
Medavoy and Martinez are the most annoying couple on prime time.
I sorta liked Ricky Schroder when he started, but the show fell into Rut City right away.
Andrea Thompson is smart enough to be sexy, but Kim Delaney
played such a whining loser when Smits packed it in I can't forgive her.

Soparanos is really good, with great acting and writing, but only seven percent
of America sees that show.  They might deserve this win, but they won't get it.
Law and Order hits a home run most shows,
and Angie Harmon is the hottest babe on television, Barr None!

...even if she's to the right of that Maricopa County, Arizona sheriff on suspect's rights.
She's the smartest, best-looking woman on TV, and she should win a lifetime
achievement Emmy for "most likely to create wood."


David Kelley is the most talented writer in Hollywood.
He's got courage, and he's got balls.
He's got a degree in medicine AND he's got a degree in law.
Plus he's got Michelle Pfeiffer in his bed.

BartCop Pick - The Practice.

Closing thought...

It's sheer idiocy to have Dave and Jay up against the Emmys and the Oscars
for the best variety entertainment show.

Jay and Dave do 250 hours a year, the Oscars and Emmy's do just twelve.
That's bullshit to have them face each tother.

Gotta run, the show's about to start.

Remember, even if they get it wrong,

...BartCop was right.

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