Armey, Barr and DeLay to Investigate
by John Hardin
Washington - April 21, 2001
Congressmen Bob Barr, Tom DeLay and Dick Armey announced
taskforce to investigate former president Bill Clinton in the death of beloved
NASCAR racer Dale Earnhardt.
In a written statement, Congressman Armey said "while we
anything about racing, this whole accident seems bizarre. Consequently, we
feel it is vital to examine what role, if any, Bill Clinton played in this tragedy."
The congressman spoke of an unnamed source who claimed
to have evidence
that Clinton was in the car with Earnhardt shortly before the crash.
"We are sure that when our fellow congressmen are confronted with the full evidence of
this crime, they will act as a single body to lynch Mr. Clinton and burn his lifeless corpse."
When asked if Hillary Clinton might also be investigated
in connection with Earnhardt's death,
a spokesman from Bob Barr's office replied "we will be issuing an indictment for Mrs. Clinton very soon."
When confronted with this new, fast growing scandal by
Fox News, Mr Clinton replied
"What? That's crazier than Bob Dornan. I was at home, watching the race with 17 other people.
I've never even met Dale Earnhardt. Only a nutjob would believe this crap."
Clinton allies and fellow liberals moved quickly to distance
themselves from the scandal.
"This is exactly what we've come to expect from Bill Clinton" said former aide George
Stephanopolis. "Clearly, Clinton is in trouble now" said former Presidential advisor Dick Morris.
"These appeals to sanity are a desperate attempt to spin the story in his favor."
"His denial is palpably false" states Clinton expert and
radio commentator Paul Harvey.
"Just like his sham marriage and failed presidency, Bill Clinton has ruined everything he's ever touched.
It's too bad a great American like Dale Earnhardt had to die so that we could finally learn that lesson."
Texas Congressman Tom DeLay said "We promise to find closure
for Dale Earnhardt's family,
even if it means digging up his grave to get Bill Clinton."
Opening hearings are scheduled to start next week.