From: jhigdon168@ao.com

Subject: The Drinking Man's Recap

Alright, break me off a piece of that six pack, and let's sit down and figure out where we are right now.

The "big day" comes last Tuesday, and all 51% of us go out and commit our constitutional duty.
The other 49% stay home for one, many, or all of the usual excuses--"it's just a choice between
the better of two evils, and I have too much integrity to make that choice."--or--"it's not going to
make any difference anyway."
Wait a minute.  I got confused.
Those are the excuses that Nader voters used.
Try this one--"I'm just not into politics."

As the polls begin to close in the east, the VNS announces the results of their exit polling in Florida,
and stick the Sunshine State into the Gore column.  Members of that dutiful 51% were swarming
out of the Palm Beach polls proclaiming, "I voted for Al Gore--eh, I think--um, either him or Buchanan."
In the mean time, the highway patrol in Florida is pulling over all suspect car pools on the way to polling
booths (those that contain minorities--a sure sign of trouble) to be sure that no felons are mistakenly
allowed to vote.

Give me another beer.

On national television, members of the Bush team argue with the VNS findings.  "We think that large
numbers of Gore voters, especially Jews and blacks, are going to desert him for Buchanan."  And as the
actual tallies roll in, it looks like the Bush camp has made an astounding prediction.  "Heh, heh--and we're
also quite sure that the absentee ballots will heavily favor W.  We've had a good man making sure that
absent citizens vote."  Well, no doubt about that.  He worked his way right into the pokey a few years back.
And we know he must be good because he apparently even got some 200 animals at the zoo to vote.
Just to be sure that military personnel, who were Florida citizens but stationed in Germany, exercised their
constitutional duty, they were sent at least two ballots each.

You got a shot of something to go with this beer?

But, sure enough, the networks remove Florida from the scales, and place it back on the table.
The results keep coming in, "hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back
from the beach."   (Thanks, Dan.)
Shortly after 2AM, W's first cousin, working for the liberal Fox News, gets impatient and calls
Florida and the election for--can you guess?  W has, after all, a 50,000 vote lead, and the other
networks quickly follow suit, wishing all the while that they had a Bush relative of their own.
Russert is close, but he's just not the real thing.

Scotch is good... very good.

Gore calls W to congratulate him, and get's in the car to drive around the corner in order to concede
on national television.  But before he can even get out of the car, the vote narrows from 50,000 to 600.
Apparently the people who were not confused by the Palm Beach ballot were all counted at once.
Gore gets back on the phone to W and says, "not so fast."  While W complains that he knows he won
because his whole family says he did, Gore tells W not to be so "snippy" because brother Jeb does not
have the only vote that counts in the State of Florida.  It is understandable why W would get so cranky.
He was up waaayyy past his bed time, and he could only watch the boring stuff on television that the
adults wanted to watch.

Forget the beer.  Just give me another double scotch.

Once the networks realize that Gore is not going to just go ahead and concede, they again remove
Florida from the scales, and the nation goes to sleep.  The next morning, as the dust settles,
disenfranchisement and fraud are evident in every county that was predicted to vote Democratic.
"We're going to have to sort this mess out," proclaims brother Jeb.  "Just to be sure that there is
absolutely no appearance of bias, I'm going to recuse myself from this process, and leave my brother's
Florida campaign co-chair in charge.  She's so qualified for this task that she would make an excellent
choice for foreign ambassador in my brother's administration."

As the two campaigns assemble their legal teams (Where have we seen all these same lawyers before?
Oh, yeah.  Impeachment. Or Coup Attempt I, as it may someday be known.) the networks work to reassure
America.  "Our democracy is sound," they tell us, "as long as Al Gore is not allowed to win this election."
The leader in popular and electoral votes should withdraw "for the good of our democracy."
Just like that saintly Richard Nixon.

More.  Keep pouring.  Ya got a bigger glass?

The Bush team goes to court to be sure that there is no manual recount because manual recounts only
work in Texas where things are all Republican all the time.  Meanwhile, missing ballot boxes are turning
up in as many places as Texans keep guns; in churches, car trunks, closets, etc.  The margin from recounts
drops from nearly 1800 to 300 and, in an attempt to save democracy as Republicans know it, Katherine
Harris holds a press conference to tell us that there is no truth to the rumor that she is Linda Tripp with
the air let out, and that she will require all counts to be certified by 5PM the following day.

Since that eliminates the time necessary for a manual recount, the issue is taken to court where a state
judge says, "well, do whatever ya want, but the least you should do is to provide a reason for rejecting
certification amendments that come in after your deadline."  All counties and precincts comply with
Harris' order, but a few say they will conduct manual recounts to be sure of their tallies, and plan on
filing amendments.  To be sure that America isn't burdened with the actual results of the national election,
Harris informs those few counties that they must submit an amendment request for her to reject, prior to
submitting their recount results.  Just to be sure that some idiot journalist, who still believes in that
"people's right to know" crap, doesn't get leaked the results of pre-rejected manual recounts, Harris goes
to court one more time to avoid doing what the court has already ordered her to do, and demands the
court stop manual recounts before they start.

And that's where we are this morning.
Yes, I know it's before 10AM.
Just give me the bottle.

James Higdon
 
 

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